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Of Twisted Technology and Miscommunications
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Summary: Dom has a new phone, but the autocorrect is truly out of control. Hilarity ensues, for everyone but Dom
Rating: M (for language and sexy-ish texts)
Genre: Humor, or my attempt at it!
Disclaimer: I do not own Fast and the Furious. Enough said.
Timeline: Post the first movie, but after that things get fuzzy. Establish Relationship for Dom and Brian, but you're going to have to get creative from there.
(IMPORTANT!) Basic idea, for those who don't know: Smart phones, iPhones and all of those fancy gadgets that Brian and Dom wouldn't have in the first movie (we're suspending belief here) have a feature that will automatically correct what you actually want to say to what your phone THINKS you want to say. However, often it gets it so bizarrely wrong that it's a laughably humiliating situation. You really need to visit the site DAMN YOU AUTOCORRECT to fully understand the concept (google it and thank me later!), but if you have then you'll get what I'm going for here.
* I realize the formatting is not exactly how it would appear in a text, but I wanted to make sure that things were as clear as they could be while still looking like it could have come off of Dom's cell (hence the characters names, which I hope are clear!)
On with the story!
New Txt Message:
8:22pm
O'Connor: You going to be home soon?
DT: Ya, just dryhumping with Mia
O'Connor: …
O'Connor: I honestly don't know what to say… I think we should see other people?
DT: fuck… *dryhumping with Mia
DT: *dryhumping
O'Connor: ?
DT: DRIVING. DRIVING with Mia. Not dryhumping.
O'Connor: Hahaha Nice
DT: Goddamned phone…
O'Connor: Well, you, Mia and your incest lovin' phone can have a good drive. Dinner ready soon!
New Txt Message:
3:39pm
DT: heading out soon, just need to spunk first
Cara Mia: DOM!
Cara Mia: That had better of been meant for Brian because if you were actually telling me something that nasty as an excuse for being late…
DT: MIA!
DT: I meant shower
DT: It's this phone, you know it is
Cara Mia: nice excuse
DT: don't even start with me
New Txt Message:
1:16pm
DT: have time to grab lunch?
O'Connor: Let me finish up here and we can meet up. Anything in particular?
DT: I was thinking some grilled feds
O'Connor: Umm… I know you're not a fan, but grilling them?
DT: Fish, goddamn it
DT: though, I can think of some feds I'd like to grill
O'Connor: I hear ya
New Txt Message:
2:54pm
O'Connor: Hey, I know the garage is slammin now, but have you seen my green converse?
3:03pm
DT: over of the maggot
DT: over the machete
DT: I hate this phonics…
DT: PHONE
DT: on top of the mashugina
DT: I'm calling you…
O'Connor: wait a few minutes… I can't even breathe
DT: laugh it up, blondie
DT: your phone needs an upgrade soon too
11:47am
DT: so she starts trying to haggle, just like always
O'Connor: as if you weren't already giving her a discount, jesus
DT: I know, I was tellin her the same thing. I said instead of arguing, how about you suck me?
O'Connor: excuse me?
O'Connor: switching teams again?
DT: THANK me. How about you thank me? Not suck. I swear, Brian.
O'Connor: asshole
DT: I showed this to Leon… he's cracking up, but he says he'll back me up. Nobody got sucked, babe, I swear
O'Connor: Not for lack of trying, though.
DT: Brian, I didn't say suck me.
11:58am
O'Connor: Yeah, just yanking your chain. I love your phone!
DT: then you take it
DT: this thing is a demon intent on getting me in trouble, you should have seen what it asked Mia the other day
O'Connor: ?
DT: we agreed not to speak of it
O'Connor: Aww come on. I won't tell her. Don't I get something for not making you sleep on the couch tonight?
DT: let's just say the phrase 'glowstick clit' came into play
O'Connor: holy shit
DT: I died
New Txt Message:
3:09pm
V: what did that guy with the red Nissan need done?
DT: new cumlicker
V: WTF
V: You hook up with O'Connor and suddenly we're running some gay dating service?
V: not cool, bro
DT: *camshafts
DT: this new phone is a dirty piece of crap
V: not funny
DT: it was the autocorrect, Vince
V: whatever, asshole
New Txt Message:
5:42pm
DT: get home soon. I'm getting ready to cock a dog
O'Connor: WTF dom! I know we like to try new things, but that's waaaaaayyyy too far
DT: *cook dogs. hot dogs. On the grill
O'Connor: Jesus, I was freaking out
DT: First incest now beastiality… this phone is dirty
New Txt Message:
8:54pm
DT: cherry or manloving?
O'Connor: I'm assuming you mean cold remedies? I'll take some of both
DT: manloving? What the fuck? I typed lime, I swear
DT: cough medicine – what flavor do you want?
O'Connor: Damn, got my hopes up. Cherry, I guess.
DT: Cherry it is. We'll save manlovin for when I get home
O'Connor: best of both worlds!
New Txt Message:
11:03am
DT: Still feel sick?
O'Connor: yeah, I'm taking the rest of the day off
DT: that's good, get some Serbians
O'Connor: do they have good chicken soup recipes? Cause I could really use some… lol
DT: Sleep, not Serbians. I've definitely never written Serbians before… where does this shit come from?
O'Connor: Serbia, apparently
New Txt Message:
1:22pm
V: just finished the paint job on the camaro
DT: Good
DT: once we finish the interior, that baby will be one labia ride
V: I have no idea what you're talkin about
V: but it sounds fucking awesome
DT: Ha *luxury ride
V: a labia ride sounds better
DT: you're a nasally motherfucker
DT: *nasty
V: …
V: we need to get you a new phone
New Txt Message:
10:11am
O'Connor: got an appointment for 3 today
O'Connor: still insist on going with me?
DT: yeah
O'Connor: I'm a big boy, Dom
DT: you were harping up a lung last night, I was sure there was going to be blood
DT: *hacking
DT: do you really not want me to go?
O'Connor: It's okay. It's cute you're worried. Will you hold my hand if I need a shot?
DT: you know it
DT: remember, if you're good the doctor will give you a lubejob
O'Connor: I don't want one?
DT: lollipop
O'Connor: Oh, well, in that case… a lollipop would be okay
New Txt Message:
4:22pm
O'Connor: Mia called. She wants to know if we want to eat at hers tonight
DT: if you feel up to it, then yeah
O'Connor: it would be nice, I'll tell her we're coming
DT: ask her if she wants us to bring anything. Dicks, maybe
O'Connor: ummmm, no… she's on her own there
O'Connor: and I think she wants to be
DT: ********DRINKS
DT: why does this phone want my sister and I to get it on so much?
DT: it's sick, man
O'Connor: it's hilarious, man
DT: you and my phone have dirty, dirty minds
O'Connor: and you love us both
DT: you, definitely
DT: this phone? No fucking way
New Txt Message:
11:02am
DT: doctor called
DT: he thinks you might have pregnancy
O'Connor: WHAATTTT? The doctor thinks I'm pregnant? Did he not notice my dick?
DT: *pneumonia
O'Connor: oh fuck, man
O'Connor: I was freaking out
DT: why? It's not like it could have actually been true
O'Connor: too much TLC in bed yesterday – between the special on the mermaid girl, guy with a tree growing out of his face and like twenty million episodes of 'I didn't know I was pregnant' I can honestly say that stranger things have happened
DT: I'll stop by the movie place on the way home, you need something men watch before you really do turn into a girl
O'Connor: fuck u
11:14am
O'Connor: but seriously, dude, please go
DT: ha… no problem, babe
New Txt Message:
7:44pm
DT: come by the garage
O'Connor: sure, why?
DT: no one's here and we just got a '61 mustang
O'Connor: oooohhh…
O'Connor: I can think of a few things we could do with it
DT: yeah, I've had a few fantasies about you spread out on a car like this
O'Connor: I'll be there in twenty
DT: make it ten… I can't wait to tear you
O'Connor: on second thought…
DT: TOUCH ***********TOUCH
DT: touch you, godfuckingdamnit!
DT: this fucking phone
6:51pm
DT: Brian?
DT: Brian, I swear it was the autocorrect
6:56pm
O'Connor: I know. I had to pull over. I'm laughing so hard I might piss
DT: fuck, Bri, I was worried
O'Connor: we were almost cockblocked by a phone
DT: Just get down here
O'Connor: If I don't will you follow thru with your phone's threat?
DT: fuck you, Brian
New Txt Message:
1:12pm
V: ready for the car show?
DT: Yeah, we're heading towards you soon as Brian gets it into gear. He's excrement
V: I've only been saying that for the last year, man
DT: *excited, Vince
DT: Do we need to have another talk about respect?
V: that was totally a trick question
DT: I didn't ask you anything
V: Your phone set me up
DT: finally it does something good for me
New Txt Message:
12:33pm
DT: Did you take my vag?
O'Connor: No
O'Connor: and I'm pretty sure you don't have one… I would have noticed by now
DT: I don't get this phone. I typed ray bans and I got vag? It's not even close
O'Connor: Maybe we need to look into an exorcism?
New Txt Message:
2:25pm
DT: Tell V I can't get the parts and to turn on his fucking phone
O'Connor: Okay
O'Connor: He wants to know why?
DT: building fire
DT: We're all being ejaculated
O'Connor: to help cope with the trauma?
DT: *extrapolated
DT: effeminate
DT: evaporated
DT: fucking hell
DT: ecclesiastical
O'Connor: evacuated?
DT: yeah, that
DT: save me some corona
O'Connor: you got it
O'Connor: you're gonna need it… Vince was reading all of that
DT: he tries to extrapolate on what just happened, I'm gonna evaporate his balls until he's so effeminate he'll need ecclesiastical help
2:31pm
O'Connor: that was… epic
O'Connor: who says I didn't find a guy with brains and brawn?
New Txt Message:
3:45pm
DT: some asshole just backed into Vince's car
O'Connor: oh shit, really?
DT: yeah, Vince is raping on him
O'Connor: stop him!
O'Connor: that's beyond overreaction
DT: *raging
O'Connor: Jesus, Dom. I was halfway out the door to get there and try to do something
DT: I'm not even going to bother apologizing for this piece of shit
DT: my phone, I mean
DT: not Vince
DT: although, he's a piece of shit sometimes too
O'Connor: preachin' to the choir, man
New Txt Message:
9:18am
DT: nice, using all the hot water and then skipping out
O'Connor: I love you?
DT: cumnuggin
DT: *cartwheeler
DT: *coochcatcher
O'Connor: these are the best insults I've ever gotten
DT: you shoulda seen what I really wanted to send
O'Connor: oooh, bring it, u cartwheelin' coochcatcher
New Txt Message:
1:14pm
LeonCell: Dom, you going to be back soon?
DT: Yeah, why?
LeonCell: Vince is buggin the shit outta me
DT: Give him some anal
DT: He'll back down
LeonCell: Yeah, um, I think that would just piss him off even more
LeonCell: and I wouldn't blame him either
DT: *Attitude
DT: give him some attitude back and he'll back down
LeonCell: Yeah, attitude I can do
LeonCell: I'll leave the anal up to you and Brian!
DT: ha fuckin ha
New Txt Message:
11:45pm
DT: Hey Mia…
Cara Mia: Yes?
DT: menstruating anything?
Cara Mia: that's nasty Dom!
DT: Damnit
DT: I meant MISSING anything?
DT: I'm sorry, Mia
DT: it's the autocorrect
Cara Mia: I'd better be missing chocolate
DT: what a coincidence! You are, I found it for you at ours
DT: and your pink scarf
Cara Mia: I expect both of those later, you pervert
DT: I love you, sister mine
Cara Mia: I love you too, even if you're too stupid to figure out how to turn off the autocorrect on your phone
DT: that's an option?
New Txt Message:
11:44am
DT: I got a ball fetish for you
O'Connor: I know, same here
DT: that's nice
DT: but I've really got a meatball grinder for you
O'Connor: oh
12:01pm
O'Connor: how does meatball grinder = ball fetish?
DT: no fucking clue
New Txt Message:
12:39pm
O'Connor: where are you? Mia's already here
DT: thought I'd get some dildo for her
O'Connor: ?
DT: *Dairy Queen
DT: I don't even bother getting angry anymore
O'Connor: Mia says she'd take a double-ended dildo or brownie batter dairy queen, which ever you want to spring for
DT: you two think you're so funny, don't you?
O'Connor: kind of
O'Connor: ;P
New Txt Message:
1:55pm
O'Connor: what's up?
DT: out with the guys… friend of Leon's has a huge dick that we're chilling on
O'Connor: lemme guess… autocorrect?
DT: no, we're really on some dude's dick right now
O'Connor: wtf
DT: nah, just kidding
DT: he's got a DECK
O'Connor: fuck you
New Txt Message:
9:22pm
DT: are you going to freak out if I ask about your manboobs?
O'Connor: YEAH, I will freak out, you asshole
O'Connor: Who asks that?
O'Connor: and if one of us has manboobs, it is so you, Dom
O'Connor: I mean, I appreciate the body, a lot, but if I look at you at the right angle, it totally looks like you've got a rack
O'Connor: a nice rack, but still
O'Connor: I can't believe you
DT: …
DT: *marsala
DT: the chicken marsala you got at the restaurant last night
DT: I'm hungry
DT: although, that was kind of enlightening
DT: Brian?
9:37pm
O'Connor: eat the fucking marsala… I don't want to talk to you right now
DT: I didn't say you had manboobs
DT: In fact, you said I have manboobs, so if anyone gets to be mad here…
O'Connor: blow me
New Txt Message:
4:45pm
O'Connor: first day of surfing was kind of a fail mission, but so worth it
DT: why?
O'Connor: wiped out, A LOT
O'Connor: I think I drank a gallon of sea water
DT: you'll get better at it
DT: we've just got to get you pregnant more
O'Connor: how would that help with surfing?
O'Connor: and didn't we already determine that I can't?
DT: we've just got to get you *PRACTICING* more
DT: sorry, Bri
O'Connor: I think your phone is trying to hint at something
DT: This phone does not do subtle hints
New Txt Message:
7:03pm
O'Connor: home soon?
DT: sorry, I got syphilis
O'Connor: that had better be an autocorrect because if you've got syphilis then I'm going to kill you
DT: *slammed
DT: the garage got slammed and I'm the only one here
DT: sorry, babe
DT: nobody has syphilis
O'Connor: I hate your phone
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I won't lie, I've never been more nervous to post a story. Humor is not my comfort zone. Reviewing is beyond important, because I can totally see myself deciding that I've humiliated myself and I must take this down to hide my shame. If you liked it, I'm begging you to let me know. If you have constructive criticism, lay it on me!