Blighted by Desire

a/n: To those of you that have read Desire's Due, the start of this might seem familiar. My muse go a hold of the idea 'what if my wilder became a Warden at Ostagar.' She has been running with it ever since. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I do writing it. It is A/U obviously and there will be Jowan, anyone that knows me knows I am obsessed with the man.

While it helps to have read the first chapter of Giving Desire her Due to catch the parallels, its not needed. The last thing I wanted to do was rewrite the beginning, so I'm starting where the two roads diverge.

Chapter One: The Howe and the Why of It

You might find yourself asking: how does a wilder girl end up in a cell beneath Highever Castle? I'd listened as its inhabitants bleated for their lives like beasts brought before the slaughter. Yet somehow I'd remained unharmed. Its a question I've been asking myself since I was brought here. The stench of the dungeon permeated every fiber of my being, every breath laced with filth. Now, the morning after, all was quiet. The smell of charred flesh mingled with the putrid scent of captivity. For all my wickedness perhaps I deserved to be here. Everything I'd done had been to avenge my those I'd loved. I'd finished that task, but still I lingered like a ghost upon Ferelden. I continued to feed my inner demon, unable to return to my home deep within the Korcari Wilds. Did my tribe still exist even? The Blight had begun there, spewed forth as vile corruption upon the land with relentless intent.

So many wrong turns had lead me here, to this dark place. The most recent had been to accept gold in return for tracking a Grey Warden's movements. But the man who hired me had been Teyrn Loghain Mac Tir, a legend even among the Chasind. If I could no longer belong to the Wilds, perhaps I could find my place within Ferelden. That was not the way it had worked out however.

I hate dogs, that is all I will say about the embarrassment of being caught.

I didn't struggle against the red-headed knight, his hands were big enough to hold both my wrists in one. Where would I go if I escaped him? Killing him was always an option. I'd trained to tumble with Templars, one knight would hardly be considered a challenge. It was the castle full of such knights that cured me of the notion. I thought I might be able to get out of a death sentence if I cooperated. I'd heard it said Bryce Cousland was a good man. It wasn't as if I'd gotten caught making off with the family jewels. Though, to be honest, I might have given it a go if his Lordship's eldest had been willing.

"Mmmm, I like it rough," I'd said as he shoved me up against the cold stone. The red-headed knight snorted, choosing not to dignify my comment with a verbal response. I sent a silent prayer to the Sky Mother. beseeching her to grant me the ability to hold my tongue. Being surround by stone walls made me anxious, and I had the unfortunate habit of running off at the mouth.

"Is this the part where you strip search me? I promise to misbehave," I smarted off as he patted his hands down my leathers in search of hidden weapons. He was rewarded with the two daggers I keep hidden in my boots. As they clattered to the stone, another pair of footsteps made their way down the stairwell.

"Almost got lucky," Ser 'not-amused' said as he nearly shoved me into the first cell he came to. He then put me into the next cell down. "Almost put you in the faulty cell. Can't have you telling all your thief friends about how you got away. Bad for the reputation."

"I am not a thief. I've been following the Grey Warden," I hissed in response. Being accused of theft struck a special chord. We wilders were always being accused of taking things that weren't ours.

"She's telling the truth, this one has been trailing me for some time. Quite impressively actually," his voice was rich, even and commanded attention even in soft tones, "Do you mind leaving me alone with her?"

"No, of course not Warden," He bowed his head like a good little knight. He gave me a last look, he was certainly amused now. It made me want to put an arrow in his eye socket. I smiled sweetly as I envisioned for him a gruesome death, "Just let someone know if you need it cleaned up after."

Before he left, the knight collected my effects and placed them in a barrel by the entrance. I snorted at that. I didn't even warrant a chest it seemed. Duncan waited patiently. When the knight left, the Warden approached the cell. He was careful to stay out of my reach, the clever bastard. I wish I could say all men were that smart, but they weren't. He examined me, pulling his gaze down from my head to my toe. Staying silent would have been the smart thing to do. It wasn't something I'd been accused of lately however.

"So you knew I was following you the whole time eh? I knew I wouldn't do so hot within walls, but I guess I overestimated my skill set all together," I hung my arms through the bars and put my weight on my elbows casually. I wondered if I looked as much like a cornered animal and I felt. All the possible questions he could ask ran through my mind. Loghain wasn't paying me to be silent, I'd pigeon out at the drop of a hat if it would get me out. The words that came were completely unexpected.

"I wouldn't say that. You just underestimated my abilities. I already have a fair notion as to who would put you up to such a thing." He bought a hand over his mouth in contemplation, the man could grow a beard. I'd say that much for him, "Have you ever considered becoming a Grey Warden? We could use a woman with your 'skill set' as it were."

I was speechless. It was such a ridiculous question, of course I'd thought about it. Every true warrior on Thedas had dreamed at one time of becoming a Grey Warden. Had there ever been a wilder Warden before? I'd almost felt like my old self these last few weeks. I'd been adrift since leaving the Wilds in disgrace, lost in a world I hardly understood. I'd even lacked the decency to die with my bow-sisters. Tracking Duncan had given me a purpose, and he stood there, offering me another. What better way to atone for my failure than to spend the rest of my life fighting off the creatures that defiled my sacred home?

As I'd opened my mouth to answer, screams of men bellowed from above. I had recognized the sounds of fighting. Within moments I was alone, my chance taken from me before I'd actually had it. The Warden had barreled up the stairwell. At that point, I believed the only thing I could realistically hope for was that they would kill me quickly.

-That is highly unlikely,- Desire sighed, the demon already contemplating where she was going to find another host.

Forget to disclose that my inner demon is a literal demon did I? Can you blame me? One admits to a bond with a demon as often as a maleficar confesses himself to a Templar. They usually meet the same end, the pointy end to be exact.

To many, it would at the very least be uncomfortable to share their mind with another. But I hadn't ever been normal to begin with. Since childhood, I'd been able to see into that place between the waking world and the realm of dreams. Not always, but randomly. I had grown up knowing that sometimes monsters really did lurk in the shadows. I learned just as quickly that most of them couldn't care less about, or even perceive, our mortal plane. Of those that did, few had the power it took to punch through. Filtering out those glimpses into the in-between was yet another service Desire provided. One I was grateful for.

It was odd, how the man looked at me. We'd laid eyes upon each other before, in the Teyrn's office. He was the Arl Rendon Howe. He was despised, that I'd learned in my travels. But he was also feared for his unabashed cruelty. I had book back in my camp about the Ferelden Rebellion, I'd stolen them of course. Little was said of White River, but he was one of only fifty to survive it. He was a hero too, for all that the other nobles tried to discourage that notion. He was the dark counter-balance to the light of men like Bryce Cousland. He'd embraced it, the same as I had. What I was peering at was my future. I knew it then as I know it now. Only now I shudder at the thought, then I'd shrugged it off and paid it no mind.

My skin crawls now, thinking about how he'd examined me like a moldy piece of cheese not even Alistair would touch. But I'm getting ahead of myself, we'll get to Alistair soon enough. This man was my chance out, I'd just not hours previously allowed another chance just like it to slip from my grasp. For a second I wondered what would happen if I just stayed quiet and let come what may. Instead I took my chance at convincing the man in front of me.

"The girl, she got away then?" I smirked, the narrowed glance he shifted at his men told me everything I needed to know. The things I'd heard his men whisper were true. Voices within stone walls carried, "The fools you brought with you won't get close to catching her. Especially if she is with that Warden. They can't even keep their mouths shut."

"Says the woman in a cell," he replied with a condescending air.

"My feet are swift. My aim is true. And you know what my bow can do," I said sweetly. He'd been there, when I'd struck the deal with Loghain, when I'd explained that I had no magic to my name that didn't originate from my bow. Much to the Teyrn's disappointment, "They won't see me coming if I mean them harm. What have you to lose, my good Arl?"

I knew he was thinking it over. More than that even. With Desire I had gained a sixth sense of sorts. I knew innately when I was wanted. It occurred to me then that there might be a second way out of the cage. I'd slept with worse, thanks to my demon's whims. He was an old dog, but he was a warrior still; Fereldens rarely wore weapons unless they could use them. He'd killed his fair share of Orlesians too, if my books had an ounce of truth to them. The Orlesians had been as much friend to the Chasind as they had to the Ferelden people. Even less so. It was during the Occupation that many our tribal leaders were lost to the Chantry's Knights and their quest to cleanse the Wilds of maleficar. After that the shaman had started using bow-mages, like myself, in greater numbers as a means to protect themselves.

"Or I could warm your bed, if that is more to your liking," I offered. It was, I could almost scent the attraction on him. His eyes went to a red-haired knight as his men brought him down from above. Ah, Ser Not-Amused. We were destined to meet again it seemed. With a few words, the Arl jerked his head toward the door of my cell. A slack-jawed slovenly soldier type fumbled with the keys as he unlocked it. I was free, but unarmed and had no where to run to. I waited for direction, silently for once.

"I wonder if you have the stomach for the task, women tend to have tender sensibilities," he said, then had one of his man produce a dagger for me. As I grasped the cool metal handle, I looked to the Arl questioningly. What was it he wanted me to do? What was he looking for. He jerked his head towards the slightly stirring knight, his green eyes fluttering open in half consciousness.

I moved to the knight, snaked my arm around his head and pulled sharply back as I tangled my fingers in his fine hair. His green eyes met mine, he was afraid but he didn't make a sound. He was proud, defiant. Maybe in a different time and place, this knight and I could have been companions. We could have been on the trail to Ostagar together with the Warden if Howe hadn't interfered. But now he stood in between me and my freedom. I danced the tip of the blade a hair's breadth above the tender skin of his neck, I looked to the Arl as I did. Waiting for him to stop me from killing his captive. Instead I could feel the want coming heavier off him. He was enjoying this, I smirked at that.

The knight cried out when I peeled his ear from him like skin off a potato. The red blood cascades in rivulets down his ruddy neck, cording in his agony.

"You haven't guts enough to kill a man, you'll be no use to his Lordship," spoke one of the soldiers that held the knight. I lifted myself, ignoring the idiot. I turned and leveled my stare on Rendon Howe. It was him I answered, the man's ardor having yet again increased. To others he was simply watching as I mutilated a man, to me he was reeking of want.

"He was hoping that I would kill him. It would have been too quick. A mercy even. He'll be missing that ear for a while yet," I said, my tone matter of fact.

With a hand to his chin he replied, "I'd have taken both ears, maybe a nose."

"Why rush it? Instead string the ear, and hang it where he can see it," I answered with a cruel grin, "What will it be, your Grace?" I added, shamelessly appealing to his vanity.

He chose both, he always did believe he deserved more didn't he? He must have realized my chances of coming back to him with the Lady's head were slim to nothing. I can't say I remember much of the event after Desire came to the forefront of my mind to feast. She laments to this day that he was darkly delicious, like every drop of light had been squeezed from him; like turned his back on the light and embraced the darkness after struggling so long against it. The demon could tell a lot about a man by the taste of his desires. As I've said before, looking at the man was like looking into my own reflection. The only difference being I was still struggling.

After he sent me along to find the little Cousland spitfire, she couldn't have gotten too far away.

oOo

I tracked them easily, the Warden's attempts to throw off pursuers were hurried. While they might have deceived a lesser tracker, I quickly deciphered their intent. I had one advantage over my quarry, I could travel at night unhindered by beasts. They avoided me as readily as flame, sensing the wrongness of the demon I was attached to. It was the same strangeness that piqued the interest of Templars. Leading me to believe it is a honed skill rather then a talent bestowed upon them by their Maker in return for their vows. Alistair did always seem like he'd skipped that day of class though.

I caught them as the sun rose, they hadn't that much time to gain on me. I could have used a spell off my bow, but I avoided using them when I could. Once they were gone, they were gone. I no longer had a shaman to recharge my bow.

I looked down the nose of my arrow at the woman. I couldn't even recall her name. She'd wandered away from the Warden to piss, then cry a little. Such a pathetic little mouse. I couldn't take the shot, no matter how I tried to talk myself into the deed. Not twenty-four hours previously, I'd cut off a man's ear. But I couldn't kill this girl. It would have been too much like killing a shadow of my former self. It was then a sharp crack of white pain pelted the back of my skull. From my perch, I plummeted. The world around me was a blur of green leaves and blue skies as I dropped to the ground. I hit it hard, the force leaving me gasping for air. A vision of a finely bearded man came into focus gradually as the black spots faded.

"This is the wilder from Highever," he said, if the young Cousland had asked a question I missed it, "Last time I saw her was in a locked cell."

"How did she escape?" came the woman's imperious voice.

"How did I escape," I laughed, light headed and on the edge of delirium with my skull cracked as it was, "Howe. Both the answer and the question."

"You were sent after us then?" he asked, hushing the woman when she made a noise I couldn't make meaning of.

"That's the half of it," I said with another chuckle. Too much of my sense had been knocked free to keep my mouth closed. Especially since I had no penchant for that skill in the first place.

"I wonder, have you given any thought to the question I asked you before?"

"Of course, but I didn't deserve the honor then. I deserve it less now," I said, sobering a bit. Enough to start dreading my own demise.

"Life is rarely about what we deserve. Tell me. Why did you hesitate?" What an odd question I thought.

"Because I know what its like, to be the very last one. To know you would sell your soul to a demon if it would avenge them, and even then it won't be enough," there was no need to lie now, my death was upon me. With that confession, I felt my last shred of humanity wash over me in a breathless wave. Once again I struggled for air. I was crushed under the weight of it all, consumed by it.

"Come with us then, your life fighting darkspawn is more valuable to Ferelden then your meaningless death here," he said, offering me a hand up, "I don't think there has ever been a Chasind Warden before."

"I haven't been Chasind for a very long time. I'm Vhaaja, by the way," I responded distantly as I took his hand. By pulling myself up, I was accepting the purpose he was setting out before me. That, my friend, is how a wilder started on her path of becoming a Grey Warden. Not one of the three of us had any idea what would await us at Ostagar.