PAINFUL SECRETS

Hey, it's izzi08 I'm writing this new story, but of course I'll update my others. Please read and review. And I don't HOA or the He Didn't Notice Idea (it belongs to xfreeforeverx!) AND READ HER STORIES! Especially "He didn't Notice"! It's amazing!

Okay so my new fanfic is:

JARA of course

Mara has a deadly secret that can ruin her life forever. She has problems. Serious problems, it's not just depression, it's much more. After all that happened in her life she decided that it was her fault. She feels like it's her fault for all the problems in her life and she starts to cut herself. At first it's something minor but it turns into an addiction and that is not a good thing. At one point she goes too far and tries to kill herself, but luckily Jerome's there, and there's a whole friendship and romance relationship between them. And he tries to help her fight her depression.

It's a sad story.

PS: I just read an Eclare fanfic called "Please Don't Leave Me". I thought what rated T meant until I read this story.

Mara POV

He didn't notice that I stopped smiling

He didn't notice my grief for my sister who recently passed away

He didn't notice that I cried myself to sleep

He didn't notice that I stopped talking to people

He didn't notice my grades dropping

He didn't notice that I acted up on class

He didn't notice the scars on my arm

He didn't notice that I started wearing long sleeves and bracelets

He didn't notice that I started ignoring him

He didn't notice that I haven't laughed in months

He didn't notice that I started cursing

He didn't notice that I barely ate

He didn't notice that I started wearing black

He didn't notice that I was in an emotional turmoil

He didn't notice that I painted my nails black

He didn't notice that I didn't do my homework

He didn't notice that I'm depressed

He didn't notice I have problems

He didn't notice I cut myself

He didn't notice anything until it happened. Mick didn't notice anything until it was too late.

Mara POV

I was in my room when it first started. It all started when I came to school. I was scared; I was scared to come to this strange boarding school. I wanted to stay with my parents. But they were too busy, they sent my only sister first, and then when I was 11 they sent me. I was instructed to go to the Anubis house, my parents said their goodbyes, and they each kissed my head. I watched them enter the limo, and left me forever in this scary school. I walked in my room, tears streaming down my face. I took out my pencil case to look for a pen, but then I noticed the sharp blade of the compass, it shone brightly as a beam of light hit it. The compass somehow attracted me, not in a good way. I grabbed it and held it to my skin; I took a deep breath, and punctured the point of the compass into my skin, a trickle of blood oozed down my wrist. I started to cry harder, my vision became blurry but I kept on cutting my arm. More blood. I ran to the bathroom and grabbed a bunch of tissues, I held them against my wrist, and I heard a voice. Someone was coming, I ran into the bathroom with a long sleeved shirt. I examined my wrist and noticed a bloody scar. I couldn't let anybody see me like this. I took off my tank top and put on my floral patterned long-sleeved t-shirt. That was the first time I cut myself. After a week I stopped. And I never cut myself again, not until this term. However this time it was different.

It was the beginning of second term. I walked in the Anubis house; I was greeted by my boyfriend Mick, my ex-best friend Amber, my now best friend Patricia, Nina, Fabian, Alfie, Joy, and Jerome. Mick walked up to me and lifted me in the air. He kissed me on my nose and smiled. I watched Jerome look at us with envious eyes. I smiled at Mick weakly. Amber, Nina, Patricia and Joy ran to me and gave me big hugs. Fabian and Alfie walked up to me and smiled. And last was Jerome, he smiled at me and he embraced me. His warm, comfortable arms wrapped around me as I look up into his eyes which were pools of docile crystal blue water. My eyes shifted to his perfect pink lips, they quickly turned from a frown to a devious smile. He slithered his hands from my back to my stomach, my face turned scarlet red. Then he drummed his hands on my flat abs, which brought giggles to me. I started to laugh. I yelled for him to stop tickling me, but he didn't, Mick wasn't happy, he was far from happy. He pushed Jerome away from me and slammed him into the wall; Jerome landed in a thud and became unconscious. Mick turned towards me, his face was beat red with anger. He lashed at me and spat out "You, you cheated on me in front of me. YOU ARE THE BIGGEST DISGRACE EVER! YOU ARE A FREAKING BITCH!" he ran out hitting everything that was in his way, a vase splattered onto the floor and broke into a millions of tiny pieces, just like my heart. Everybody was looking at me, their soulless eyes boring a whole through my body. I couldn't bear it. Tears poured down my face as I ran to the room which was once the attic. It was my new room, I was alone, I had nobody, and Patricia abandoned me for Joy. Mick didn't want to talk to me, Amber couldn't even stand me, Nina and Fabian were in their own little love world. And Alfie was too scared to even pass by me. And Jerome, he was unconscious. I sighed; I grabbed my compass and pressed it against my skin leaving a mark, I grabbed a sweater and put it on, I grabbed a bunch of bracelets and put them on my left arm where I cut myself. I sat on my bed and looked up at the ceiling. It's going to be a long term.

A few days later, I walked down the stairs dressed in a black turtle neck and skirt, my sister died yesterday of brain cancer. I loved her; she was the only person I had. She always sent me letters telling me about her awesome adventures. She always called me on the phone, she always gave me advice. Why did she have to leave me? I am greeted by Patricia, I give her a nod and sit down and paint my nails black. Alfie falls out of his chair and spaghetti flies everywhere. Everyone started laughing. But I didn't, I didn't even smile.

I walked into the school and got to my locker. I found Mick there. He said sorry, and I forgave him. But he scarred me for life. I walked into Mr. Winkler's class, he collected the homework, and I didn't do it. He asked me why. I replied "I don't give a damn." He looked at me surprised.

I walked into Ms. Andrew's class, we had a pop quiz, and I didn't understand anything. I probably failed. Amber walked up to me and smiled, I stared at her, she asked me a question I grunted and turned around. During lunch I sat next to Patricia, the only thing on my tray was an apple, and I didn't eat it. I ran to my room, and continued my ritual; I found the compass and cut myself. Tears and anger flew through me. I'm an emotional wreck. It was night time, I didn't bother to go to dinner, and I tucked myself in bed and wept silently.

It's 8 AM, I was one hour late for school, and I really didn't care. I walked down the stairs and saw Trudy I nodded at her, and walked into the kitchen. I grabbed a cup of water and a slice of bread. I took a bite from the bread, and I spit it out. I felt full, but I haven't eaten in days. I'm not anorexic, I don't think I'm fat, actually I feel too skinny. It's not that I don't want to eat, I just can't. Everytime I eat I feel to full and nauseous. I walked toward Trudy. "I don't feel well, can I stay here?" I asked Trudy, she looked at me surprised; it was the first thing I said in days. "Sure, dearie!" Trudy said, I looked at her and handed her a piece of paper "Thanks and can you give this to Ms. Andrews." I said Trudy nodded. The letter that was addressed to Ms. Andrews was my resignation from being school representative. I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to crawl up in a ball and die. I still do.

Mick came for lunch. We sat at the dining table not saying a word. He kissed me, but there was no spark. I smiled a fake smile. He left me. And I felt better, I didn't need him. I wanted to be away from him. I still do. I walked to my room and grabbed the compass I pressed the blade against my skin and cut myself. It hurt this time, I dug the blade deep, and it cut through my epidermis and my dermis. It didn't stop bleeding. I panicked. I opened the sink and my flesh burned at the touch of hot scalding water. I started to cry softly, I didn't want anybody to hear me. I didn't want anybody to know. It was a secret that was tearing me apart. I really wanted to kill myself, and sometimes I still do.

The next few days were fine; I stopped cutting myself for a day. But then it started again. It started when I got my first F. I was in Ms. Andrews's class, she was handing out the test papers that we did on the first day of school. I was shocked, and completely utterly humiliated. Mara Jaffray never failed. I sank into my seat, and prayed that I was invisible. Oh god, my parents will be so disappointed. A zero lowers your grade point average for the subject from 100 to 75! I ran out of the class, cursing under my breath, as hot tears streamed down my face.

I ran to my room and buried my head in my pillow. I looked around the room. Then I saw a knife, it was a small pocket knife, I ran to the bathroom and entered the shower, I turned on the hot water, I stood in the shower and rolled up my sleeve, I looked at the glistening knife, and I stabbed in into my arm, the pain was unbearable, I cried quietly, not daring to even scream. But the pain increased, and then my arm went numb, I fell into the shower, unconscious. It didn't take long for somebody to find me. That somebody was none other than Jerome Xavier Clarke.

Jerome POV

It was a horrible sight. I was walking to Mara's room to ask her what was wrong. I wanted to know what happened in Ms. Andrews' Class. She started crying as she ran out of the room screaming. I stood up rigidly and ran after her. Mick on the other hand, buried his head in his hands as if Mara was a disgrace, and he was totally humiliated by her. Isn't he the best boyfriend ever! I don't get what Mara sees in him. I mean, she's better off with a jerk like me! So back to now. I was following her into the house. I saw her enter her room and go into the bathroom. Then I heard sobbing, somebody was crying, that somebody was Mara. I heard the shower turning on. Then, silence. After that I heard a yelp, and more crying. All of a sudden I hear a thud, as if someone or something fell hard on the ground. I waited by the door, and knocked lightly. Nobody answered. I open the door slightly. Fog greats me. The whole bathroom is boiling and smoke (evaporating water) fills the place. I walk towards the shower. I see a leg sticking out. I open the window to get a clear view. Once the fog clears out, I get to see Mara. She is sprawled on the floor. Her body is motionless on the floor. I spot a knife in her hand, and the other arm all bloody. No! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! Her face is pale, and her eyes are closed, her beautiful pink lips form a frigid frown. And fresh tears roll down her face. Panic enters my body. I grab a towel and wrap her injured arm with it. In minutes it is drenched in blood. But I could see her arm; I see scars on her wrist and upper arm. She's been cutting herself. It's obvious. How come she does this to herself, she doesn't deserve it. I pick her up bridal style. And lay her on her bed. I place the knife next to her. I decided to tell Trudy but a small red journal caught my attention. It's lying under her bed. It was a small leather journal with the name Mara engraved. I found the key under her pillow, and put it in the lock. I open the journal and I read the first page.

Today is the first day of second term. I'm jumping for joy. Not really. Today I began to cut myself again. It all started when I walked in. I was greeted by my home-mates and my boyfriend Mick. Well he is still my boyfriend. It's too complicated. I just can't handle being with him. He is so controlling. I didn't have the heart to break up with him. Then the trouble started when I was greeted by Jerome. I saw him, his sparkly blue eyes danced with happiness. I embraced him, it felt so good. His warmth entered my cold body. It felt right. He found my tickle spot, my stomach. We both fell on the floor laughing hysterically. But of course Mick didn't approve. He is so uptight. And he thinks I'm rigid. He freaking call me a bitch. And that scarred me. That is the reason I cut myself. He is the reason.

-Mara

WHOAH! Am I getting the slightest idea that she likes me? Wait most importantly why would a beautiful, smart, sweet sensitive girl like her try to hurt herself.

Second day of term. I so failed that test. Ugh now what am I going to do? I am not getting it back until Thursday; maybe I should ask Ms. Andrews to let me retake the test. Not only are my grades dropping but my whole life is in an emotional train wreck. Who are my friends? Who do I love? I'm torn between the jock and the joker jerk. Which should I choose?

-Mara

This is news to me; Mara never failed a test, she never did. I mean the lowest grade she ever got was an A- and that was because she had to do her project with Alfie!

UGH! Boring day at school, there is nothing to talk about. SO TIRED!

-Mara

I turn the page…

I didn't cut myself today, or yesterday.

-Mara

Next PAGE…

I'm losing faith in God. Why did he do this to me? I mean the only one who deserves to die is ME! WHY? WHY DID SHE HAVE TO GO! AND MY FREAKING PARENTS DON'T GIVE A DAMN! I WANT TO KILL MYSELF! I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS OVER! She is the only one who cares about me. I have no reason to live. Why am I still alive?

My name is Mara Jaffray and

I deserve to die.

Why am I not dead?

SERIOUSLY WHY AM I NOT DEAD! SOMEBODY FREAKING EXPLAIN THIS TO ME! I HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE IN THIS CRUEL WORLD! I WISH I COULD KILL MYSELF; I wish I was crouched on the floor with a knife in my back and blood streaming down my body. Then I could die, "then I could die." That thought pleases me. Or even better, if I had a gun to my head I would press the trigger and shoot myself; it would be much less painful. But in my case, I'm not dying. Instead I'm crying myself to sleep, not eating, and cutting myself. I am not anorexic, I just can't eat. If I eat something I feel full, I feel like I have food all in my stomach and up my esophagus. I know I'm not fat. In fact, I feel as if I'm too skinny. I want to eat, I try to force myself to eat, but I end up not eating anything. After complaining about this I realize that not eating gives me a better chance to die. Once I realize that I stop eating. I feel happy, that soon my life will be over. Either I will starve to death or kill myself. Whichever works faster, I will choose.

-Mara

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS SHE THINKING! People care about her, maybe not her parents, maybe not Mick. BUT I CERTAINLY CARE ABOUT HER. I FREAKIN LOVE HER! I never told her this, but I've loved her since the first day I laid my eyes on her. I remember that day like it was yesterday.

*Flashback*

I was happy that I was finally getting some company. Six years in a school all by myself really sucks. I came to the Anubis house when I was five, now I'm eleven and really glad to have company. As I stood at the door anxious to see who was coming I got hit by a soccer ball. (A/N it's actually football but I like the word soccer better)

"Oh, sorry Mate didn't see ya there." A muscular short boy with light blonde hair said, he was wearing a track suit and a sports headband. My first impression of him was the stupid jock, JOCKS ARE SO OVERATED! So I felt as if he was a stupid meathead, and he still is.

"Get lost, Meathead!" I yelled as I threw his ball into the house he ran into the house after the ball. I roll my eyes; I hope he's not my roommate. The next person I see is a blonde girl, she is like a Malibu Barbie, but not in a good way, she runs up to me and greets me and she pushes past me to explore the house. The next ones to arrive are two girls, a redhead and her friend; I glare at them as the redhead sneers at me. I knew we weren't going to get along. The next guy was a small brunette; he had glasses and was holding a book called science is my friend. Nerd. Then I saw a boy, he was about my age, he had dark skin and black curly hair. He walked up to greet me, his parents following him. He held out his hand and I took it, a small electric shock went through my body. The boy began to laugh; his parents said their goodbyes and walked away.

"Not bad, not bad at all. Hi, my name is Jerome Clarke." I said happily, finally somebody I can relate to.

"My name is Alfred Lewis. But you can call me Alfie." The boy said as his smile turned into huge grin, I knew we were going to be good friends. We were talking in the entrance of the Anubis house when my eyes fell on a beautiful girl. She was shorter than me; she was wearing a red dress that looked great with her luscious black curls and her tanned skin. She said goodbye to her parents and tears fell down her perfect heart-shaped face. She looked beautiful. I guess its love at first sight, which is strange because I wanted to fall for the cheerleader type not the shy book smart girl. Alfie was waving his hand in my face, because I was in a love trance, and I was drooling. The pretty girl walked up to me and smiled.

"Hi, my name is Mara Jaffray." She said, as she extended her hand to me shyly.

"H-Hi, I-I'm J-Jerome C-Clarke." I stuttered as my cheeks turned pink. She giggled shyly as she smiled. I shook her small warm hand. And I knew I was in love with her.

*Flashback Ends*

I've loved Mara since I first laid my eyes on her, and I just can't bear to see her like this. I turn the next page of her journal

Dear Classmates,

I hope you are reading this. Knowing Jerome and Alfie, one of you have found this by now. I just want to say goodbye. Today is the day I will kill myself.

I knew it had to come to this. I hated this world. It was a cruel place. I want to be with my sister, the only person who cared about me. I hated this place. I hated how everyone was happy except me. And I hate how nobody gave a fucking damn about me and my problems. None of you cared. I know. I was merely the smart girl, the girl who listens, the one who is shy. I didn't want to stand out. I just don't fit in.

I was never happy with my life. My parents didn't care about me. And my sister died. I had a boyfriend who didn't love me. But the truth is I never loved him. I loved somebody else, someone I felt bad about, and someone who had a horrible life. I loved him. But I never admitted it. My friends left me; I really didn't give a bloody hell. I wanted to be alone. I hated people. I wanted to die. So that is what I did.

Now I will give you my final words.

Dear Mick,

I hate you, I never loved you. You didn't notice anything.

-Mara

Dear Patricia and Joy,

It's hard to say bye to nice people like you guys. You were amazing friends. I want you to know that I never hated you. You were the best friends a girl could ever have. I will miss you.

-Mara

Dear Alfie,

You were the funniest person I have ever met. You always made me laugh, even when I was hurting. Stay happy.

-Mara

Dear Fabian,

My fellow honor student. You were an amazing friend. You always stuck up for me and all the people in the Anubis house. You were one of the nicest people ever. Keep up with your amazing grades. And I am happy that you are happy with Nina. You two are soul mates.

-Mara

Dear Nina,

I barely knew you, but when I first met you I knew there was something special about you. You were friendly, smart, curious, and loyal. I hope you can stay at the Anubis house. And I hope you and Fabian are happy.

-Mara

Dear Amber,

It's hard to say goodbye to an old friend like you. You might have been a Malibu Barbie, or a material girl, but you were the best friend a girl could ever wish for. You always listened to me, and helped me out. I will miss you.

-Mara

Dear Jerome,

Is it supposed to be this hard to say goodbye to you? You were the only reason I still lived, you gave me hope and happiness, and you made me feel perfect. I always disliked the fact that you kept me alive. But you were the reason for the happiness in my life. Thank you. Thank you for making life worth living. But now I have to say goodbye, Jerome, I hope you find that special someone in your life, I hope you find happiness, because you deserve this, you deserve everything. You are not rotten, you are far from rotten. Jerome you are amazing. Goodbye, Jerome and remember me forever. I love you.

Love,

Mara

And that was it. She tried to kill herself. But I found her; I will never let her kill herself, because I love her. And I promise never to let her hurt her anymore. If she does I will die. I love you Mara Jaffray. And I promise you'll be okay. I carry her bridal style and rip out the last page of her journal. I run to Trudy who is in the dining room.

"TRUDY! Trudy, Mara tried to kill herself; we need to take her to the emergency room quickly!" I yell

"Oh, my. You're right, let's go." Trudy answers. She quickly grabs her keys and rushes into her car. I follow her rapidly into the car, Mara's body was surprisingly very light, and I give her a kiss on her forehead as I place her in the backseat of Trudy's car.

"Trudy, are we there yet!" I yell nervously, Mara needs to be seen quickly, the cut on her arm is very deep and if we don't get to the hospital soon it can get infected and if it gets infected she can die. I can't let her die. I can't!

"Almost there. Once we get there I will call the classmates and tell them to come immediately." Trudy states. I nod my head, my there is a knot in my throat and I feel as if any minute I will cry. I want to cry. The girl I love is in the backseat and close to dying. And there is nothing I can do about it. I quickly wipe a tear which had escaped from my eye. Trudy looks at me with a face of sorrow.

"You love her, don't you?" Trudy asks me quietly.

"More than anything in the world." I reply, and streams of tears fall down my face. Mara was the only one I had. Trudy embraced me and helped me carry Mara into the emergency room.

Amber POV

It was a normal day in school. And little did I know something horrible was going to happen to Mara.

We were in Mr. Winkler's class listening to a boring poem called "Shakespeare's Sonnet: 18" I really didn't get it. Too wordy. On the other hand, Nina, Fabian, Patricia and Joy were mesmerized over the stupid little poem. And Alfie was wondering if Shakespeare was an alien. He thinks everyone is an alien. Well, back to the point. Anyways Mr. Sweet came running in the classroom like a herd of cattle, except, he was only one person. I'm confused. ANYWAYS, He ran in with a worried expression on his face, he was pale.

"I need to see the Anubis house members it is an emergency." Mr. Sweet said. We all got up in single file. I was scared that they found out where the cup is and they were going to get us. We nervously walked in to his office and braced ourselves for the news.

"Your friend, Mara Jaffray, she tried to commit suicide." Mr. Sweet said sadly

My mouth hung open, I couldn't believe my ears, the book smart sweet girl tried to commit suicide. Alfie's lips parted forming a perfect "O" shape, and Patricia and Joy started crying, Nina sobbed into Fabian's chest as he held her tightly softly sobbing. And Mick, he was as white as a sheet.

"Is she alright?" Patricia asked her face stained with mascara.

"We don't know. She is currently in the hospital with Jerome and Trudy." Mr. Sweet said.

"SHE'S WITH CLARKE!" Mick yelled, furious that she was with Jerome. He didn't even care about her. I ran up to him and slapped him across the face.

"What was that for!" he yelled.

"You don't even care that your girlfriend almost died!" I yelled as I followed Mr. Sweet.

"Can you take us to the hospital?" I ask, giving Mr. Sweet my best puppy dog eyes, he nods and we follow him into his car.

Jerome POV

Mara Jaffray, the love of my life, is dead or close to dying. Why? Why did she do this to herself? I grab her journal and read through it again. Out falls a slip of paper, it is folded into a tiny wad. I open it and there is a poem.

He didn't notice that I stopped smiling

He didn't notice my grief for my sister who recently passed away

He didn't notice that I cried myself to sleep

He didn't notice that I stopped talking to people

He didn't notice my grades dropping

He didn't notice that I acted up on class

He didn't notice the scars on my arm

He didn't notice that I started wearing long sleeves and bracelets

He didn't notice that I started ignoring him

He didn't notice that I haven't laughed in months

He didn't notice that I started cursing

He didn't notice that I barely ate

He didn't notice that I started wearing black

He didn't notice that I was in an emotional turmoil

He didn't notice that I painted my nails black

He didn't notice that I didn't do my homework

He didn't notice that I'm depressed

He didn't notice I have problems

He didn't notice I cut myself

He didn't notice anything until it happened. Mick didn't notice anything until it was too late.

And she was right. He didn't notice, that arrogant meathead only cared about himself. WHAT TYPE OF A BOYFRIEND ISNT AWARE THAT HIS GIRLFRIEND IS ABOUT TO DIE!

I see my house mates walk through the door of the waiting area. Anger builds up in my chest. They didn't know anything until it was too late. They didn't want to know anything until it was too late. HE WAS SO STUPID! HE DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING! HE DIDN'T CARE, HE DIDN'T GIVE A DAMN! AND NOW IT'S TOO LATE! IT'S HIS ENTIRE FAULT! IT'S HIS FAULT THAT SHE TRIED TO KILL HERSELF! FUCK YOU MICK! GO DIE IN A FUCKING HOLE! LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO HER! YOU MADE HER LIFE, A TURMOIL OF HORRIBLE EMOTINS! He walks into the room and glares at me. "You have no right to be with her!" Mick barks. That is it. I just can't take it. I can't put up with him anymore, I tried to deal with him for Mara's sake, but now she's gone, I run up to him and pin him against the wall. "YOU! YOU ARE THE REASON SHE TRIED TO KILL HERSELF! IT'S YOUR FAULT!" I yell as I punch his upper jaw. Stupid mistake. He slams me into the wall, and gives me a blow to the head.

"Never, NEVER SAY THAT TO ME!" Mick roars as he storms out of the room.

The rest of my classmates sat in silence. All of a sudden doctor rushes in.

"Are you Jerome Clarke?" he asks

"Yea, the one and only." I say trying my best to smile.

"We need you now" the doctor states

"Why?" I ask, Am I in trouble?

"She screamed out your name." the doctor says

"She's alive!" tears stream down my face. She's alive.

The End was so cheesy, I hope you like, comment, review, and favorite, add to alert! This is chapter one. Okay. Hopefully I will update this week; I'm busy with International day in school. It's so unfair we can't dress up in our ethnic background's culture; we have to do a project on an assigned country! And the whole class has the same country! Did I mention I'm in a catholic school? It's okay...sometimes, not usually...not really...

Anyways! I know there will be JARA and Fabina, but should there be Amfie or Mamber? Pason or Palfie? Moy? Please review and leave me your thoughts on the story and what couples!