"Haaram Var's Early History is Actually Pretty Interesting,"

Or

"Haaram Var is not very different from a Typical College Freshman"

Var sat at his desk, staring at the screen in front of him. He watched as the various multicolored tubes darted back and forth against the dark screen. His glazed over eyes were hypnotized by the perpetual growth of the geometric shapes. Nerem walked passed his office in the hallway, carrying a stack of papers. He noticed his professor sitting in a completely dark room, his eyes glued to a brightly lit screen. He turned momentarily to face his professor and opened his mouth. Then he remembered that the man in front of him was Haaram Var, and turned and walked away, pretending that nothing had happened.

He brought his heavy box into the graduate students room and set it down on his desk with a thud. He picked out a large stack of papers and handed it to Homrin, "Here's your share." He said.

"Thanks," replied Homrin as he pulled out a red pen and began to read through the papers. "Ugh, the first word in this one's misspelled, not a good sign…"

"Wow I hate it when that happens. Hey at least it's better than this. This essay is in pencil."

"Damn. Why do we have to do this stuff?"

"I dunno, it's what grad students do right?"

"Yeah but can't Var help us out with them sometime?"

"I see your point, though he's usually very busy… actually I just passed him on my way over here. He's not busy right now, why don't you ask him."

Homrin narrowed his eyes, "why didn't you ask him?"

Nerem just stared at his co-worker silently.

"Alright, fine dammit, I'll ask him."

Homrin walked up to his professor's office and poked his head in, "Uh, sir, can I come in for a minute?"

Var was still occupied with his screen saver, "Hmm? Oh yes of course come in," he stated without ungluing his eyes from the screen.

"Uh, so we have a lot of undergraduate papers to grade…like a lot…and you don't seem to be very busy so…"

Var abruptly turned around to face him pupil, "But Homrin, I am busy! These pipes zoom past each other, forming an increasingly complex pattern. I have to see how it turns out!"

"Uh, sir, that screen saver resets like every thirty seconds so…"

"Nu-uh! It goes on forever! Maybe this time it'll keep going!"

"Sir it's programmed to…nevermind. Is there any way that I can get you to help us?"

"Hmm…will you take me out for ice cream?"

"I don't know sir I just got you ice cream Monday and…"

"But I want ice creeeeeeeeeeeam!" Var whined while pounding his fist on his desk repeatedly.

"Ok, fine, I'll take you out for ice cream." Homrin finally conceded. Var clapped his hands together excitedly and his eyes visibly lit up at this outcome.

Later that day Var stood in line at the ice cream store with his student. Var bounced and fidgeted with glee as his student rubbed his temples, Nerem, you owe me big time for this… he thought pensively. A few steps behind in line a young girl pulled at her mother's dress, "Mommy, can you please make the man stop jumping? It's scary."

The mother gently put her hand on her daughter's head, "Ok, sweety," she replied reassuringly. "Excuse me? Sir?" she said, tapping Var on the shoulder. Var noticed this and turned around to face her. "I'm sorry, but could you please stop bouncing, you're making the children nervous."

"No."

Var replied flatly before turning around and resuming his gleeful bouncing.

The woman's brow furrowed as she bit her upper lip and tapped him on the shoulder again, "Sir, please, it's making my daughter very upset."

Var was visibly annoyed at this point, "Listen lady I don't have to listen to the demands of-"

"Whoah sorry thee ma'am!" said a human who came out of nowhere and got between Var and the lady, "This man's my…cousin. He's…uh…special. He does this when he's excited, I'm really sorry he'll be out of your hair in just a minute.

The woman's countenance slightly lessened in its aggravation as she nodded tersely to the man. Her daughter, meanwhile, hid behind her dress, staring at Var with fearful eyes. To this Var stuck out his tongue at the girl. Homrin paused for a moment, "Hey wait a minute, I know you. You're that SI-7 agent that's been monitoring Var!"

"Indeed," replied the man.

"So you're still following him I guess?"

"Well, in a way. My warrant for surveillance technically ran out a day ago, but it's about to be renewed. The alliance is more than willing to extend my rights after what happened at that conference."

"Exactly what happened, and what conference?"

"Well we uncovered more evidence of Var's previous blunders, and accordingly, we have expressed the need to continue to monitor certain activities in case we need to intervene…like right now."

"Huh, I see. Exactly what happened?"

"Well Var was at a conference and apparently called commander Curtis Radcliffe the "N" word."

"HEY NOW!" interjected Var, "I hadn't been on Azeroth that long and that's what I was told to call people of his ethnicity!"

"Well for starters that happened a week ago…anyway look, I'm not supposed to technically be here right now, so uh…you didn't see me, ok?"

"I understand." Homrin replied as the human began to walk away.

"I'm repressing my memory as we speak!" Var chimed. The professor paused momentarily before turning to face the cashier, "Where the hell am I?" He asked bluntly.

"Uh, this is an ice cream store."

"Oh yeah, two vanilla cones please."

Var and Homrin walked through the park outside the ice cream store, enjoying their frozen treats. "Sir, I need to ask you something," Homrin began.

"Sure, what?" Var replied cheerily.

"Well I'm kind of curious…I don't think I've met a professor who seems to be your senior, how old are you exactly?"

Var stopped in his tracks and scratched his beard with his free hand. "Huh…I dunno. Let's find out." Var stated as he reached into his belt and pulled out an extremely sharp dagger.

"I'm sorry wha-OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL!" Homrin shouted as Var plunged the dagger into his forearm. Homrin watched in horror as the professor carved a two inch by two inch cube out of his arm. No expression shown on the professor's face as he jammed the blade down one side of the cube and used it as a lever to pull the chunk of meat out of his forearm with a sickening ripping noise, revealing an extremely deep cut that exposed a significant amount of bone and sinew.

Var held the chunk up and pulled out a jeweler's monocle. He held the chunk of flesh up with his hand and stared at it, "Hmmm…Ah that makes sense." He replied as he lowered the chunk from his view. As Homrin watched in horror the professor jammed the chunk back into its hole with a disgusting squish. He held out his hand and muttered some words in Naaru. Immediately swirling bands of light leapt from his fingers and intertwined around the wound. The laceration sealed itself up almost instantly, removing all signs of injury. The dark blood stains on his robe were the only evidence of the incident. Var shook his arm momentarily and then turned to face a horrified Homrin, "Idk," he said, literally pronouncing those letters, "Estimating the number of rings in my arm like…thirty thousand-ish?"

Homrin just kind of stood there stunned and horrified at what had just happened while the professor's last statement bounced around inside his head. Suddenly the weight of the statement finally hit something in the deep reaches of his brain, "Wait, wait, wait, hold up! You're thirty thousand years old?"

"Yeah"

"Sir…this is incredible. Does this mean you lived on Argus?"

"Duh. What's the big deal?"

"Sir…I've never met anyone that old before, Velen himself might not be as old as you!"

"Who that guy? No he's still older than me. I met him once and he told me so. That's a funny story actually. You see back in the day I had a research lab on Argus..."

Var sat at his desk in his old office. Although it was incredibly ornate by draenei standards it was still a magnificent sight to behold. Crystalline beauty covered the entire room, the rug was lush in texture and color. Var's desk was covered with papers, though even the thick covering did not undermine the jeweled beauty of the room, and the soft light from nearby crystal candles seemed to elicit the deep majesty of the area.

Drak'ol peered inside Var's office. "Var, come here quick!" he whispered urgently. Var got up from his desk and followed his fellow scientist outside.

"What's up?" Var asked, folding his arms.

"Var, I've gotten word of an opportunity we simply cannot miss". He looked to either side for witnesses and handed Var a small sheet of paper. "Archimonde is calling for practitioners of the arcane to come to this meeting. A new world awaits us all!"

"K."

"So I went to that meeting that night,"Var continued, "and there I met one of the most powerful mages of my time, or any time, for that matter."

"Wow," Homrin replied, "You met Archimonde?"

"Yep."

"What was he like back then."

"Smelled funny."

"Um…"

"So anyway, like I was saying…"

Archimonde stood at his podium finishing his speech, his tall and imposing figure commanded respect and reverence as he made his speech from the front of the crystalline hall, "and so my brothers and sisters, come! Join me and we shall wield unimaginable power with our demon lord Sargeras!" Var stood in the crowd as the group erupted into applause. He scratched his beard pensively and considered what the Eredar lord had said.

Later at the meeting he stood off in a corner of the room, contemplating the words of the powerful arcanist. Suddenly, he noticed a powerful presence approach him. It was none other than Archimonde himself.

"You seem familiar, what is your name?" Archimonde began

"My name's Haaram Var, nice to mee you."

"Ah I've heard that name before, you work with the effects of arcane magic on temporal flow in low nether environments, yes?"

"Yeah."

"Sargeras could always use more skilled arcanists, you know."

"Yeah but I don't know…I'm not sure I should join."

"Why on Argus would you hesitate as such a magnificent opportunity, Mr. Var? The dark titan can give you power unimaginable."

"Yeah…but…will he be able to give me ice cream?"

"…

…I'm sorry what?"

"Can Sargeras give me ice cream?"

"Um…no."

"But I want ice creeeeeeeeeam!" Var whined.

Archimonde was aghast, "No look…Sargeras CANNOT give you ice cream. He can, however, give you power unimaginable!"

"Can he give me cookies then?"

"…no…"

"Can he give me the numbers of his hot, slutty, college hallmate friends so I can hook up with them?"

"What the hell? No!"

"Does he even have hot slutty college hallmate friends?"

"Uh…I don't know?"

"Oh so you don't even know all the stuff about this guy! How can I trust him?"

Archimonde opened his mouth to speak, then closed it, rubbed his temples and walked away muttering something that was probably quite explicit.

"Wait, professor, what does this have to do with Valen?" Asked Homrin.

"I'm getting there, don't worry," Var replied, "So I knew that I couldn't trust Archimonde and his vile demon overlords," Var continued, "Indeed, I was at a loss of what to do, and then one fateful day the prophet Valen paid me a visit."

"Professor Var?" came a voice from the door.

"Yes come in!" Var responded without looking up from his paper.

"It is I, Velen, and I bring with me grave tidings."

"Hi."

"Um…hi. Anyway I heard of how you stood up to Archimonde and resisted consorting with those foul demons. I have been contacted by great beings of the light, and they have told me to gather all who wish to preserve all that we hold dear. A growing tide of darkness is coming, one that will consume our home, and nearly all we love. As a moral person, I'm counting on people like you to join with me in the light and help ensure our survival in the coming dark-"

"Will there be sluts?" Var interjected.

"…I'm sorry?"

"Hot sluts, can the light hook me up with them?"

"Um…no.."

"Huh…will there be ice cream?"

"Uh…sure."

"Cool sounds good. Can I get ice cream now?"

"Um…I don't know I'm kind of busy and-"

"But I want ice creeeeeeeeam NOOOOOOOOW!" Var whined while pounding his fists against his table.

"Ok, ok fine! I'll take you out for ice cream!" Conceded Valen as Var squealed with delight at the prospect.

"And thus, I joined Valen and the Naaru, beginning my journey as one of the Draenei. I did what I could for our people, I used my magic to help us survive in the tough centuries that followed. I was even blessed with knowledge of the light's healing powers by the Naaru, which is how I healed my wounds a second ago."

"Amazing…" Homrin breathed.

"Indeed." Var replied. A moment's pause went by before the professor took out his pocket watch and surveyed the time. "Ah, look at the time! I should be getting back home. Thanks again for the ice cream, Homrin!"

"It was nothing, sir…I can't believe that you've survived for so many years…you must have seen so much…Sir, why haven't you told anyone your story?"

Professor Var looked at his student and sighed, "Well, there is a reason, but it's difficult for me to talk about…"

"Yes?"Homrin asked in anticipation.

"Homrin, I, well I just never felt like talking about it."

"…oh."

"Yeah…"

THE END