Swan song

It amazes me that people think that we are the same sometimes. What is there other then our looks that remains the same between the two of us? I guess if you pull it apart there are quite a lot that we agree on; food, music, books, movies, games and . . . people.

That's where it all went wrong isn't it? With us letting other people into our lives? I thought it would be good, I thought it would help. I pushed and pushed, forcing you farther and farther away, and now when I need you most I'm too afraid to try and call you back.

You don't know yet, I don't want you to know because you'll only blame yourself in the end. We always lived one step away from the edge. No matter what we did, we balanced on that tightrope using one another to stay standing. Then when things got unstable we just held onto one another for dear life and waited for it all to pass. Never mind how we acted when it came to interacting with others.

When it came to others we always acted the same, with one foot out the door and the other already off the ground ready to leave, because we couldn't let ourselves trust anyone. We were too afraid of getting hurt again to let ourselves trust.

Nothing was ever certain, nothing except for each other. So why is it that I pushed you away? Why would I ever in a million years want to separate from the most important thing in my life? You should have been able to see that I was lying, you always could before.

But that changed, didn't it? She changed it, changed us. I thought I loved her, you do love her. Actually I still love her too, but I will always love you more, so there is nothing left for me there. There is nothing left for me anywhere.

I'm leaving soon, and you still don't know. I still haven't told you. I haven't told anyone; no one other then Mother knows what I plan to do. I wonder if the rest of the Host Club will be mad? I wonder if they'll hate me, if you'll hate me? Will you ever speak to me again?

I use to think we would be together forever. That we could fix everything so that we never had to part, but now I am leaving; I am choosing to leave. You've found your place here but I haven't. I will always be there for you. To smile and laugh and cheer you on when you feel like your world is coming down, but that's not all I am.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life not knowing what I can be. Tell me do you dream that the world will know your name; because I do. I thought we both did. I thought we wanted the world to know our names, mine and yours, not just our family name.

The reason I haven't told you this is because I know you wouldn't want me to leave. Or even worse you would want to come with me. Someday though you'll understand why. Why I had to keep these secrets from you, why I had to leave, why you couldn't come.

I've thought every day since I found out about this, about my choice and what to do. The day I watched you with her I told myself it was okay, that in the end you would always come back to me, but now I'm not sure that is what I want.

I want you to be free. I don't want to be the burden that breaks your song. I want you to be free if you want to be. Do you even believe in me anymore or have I lost that too? Do you know that everyday is the first of the rest of your life?

This is my last day in the shadows, I want to shine brighter then ever before all the way till I burn out. This is my last chance, my final call before the curtain comes down. Mother is going to tell you once I am gone, she promised me that.

There are so many questions that I don't think I will ever have answered because they are just that, questions. Questions I don't want to ask, with answers I don't want to know.

Don't tell me where this road ends; I just don't want to know anymore. I want to live out every second I have left in this world like they were my last and I want the same for you.

I want to live and I want to see you live. I want you to fight for what you love, and cry over what you lose. I want you to stand alone and with me; to look at the world and see something outside our little box that we locked ourselves in. Inside our world you see there are two songs taking place.

Your song is still being written and all you have to do is find the other parts, while mine is finished. The ballade has been written and the chorus sung, you did your part and now it's my turn.

I told myself that this would never end. Our song would last forever, completely intertwined, but the final verse leaves room for only one. So I am going to go and sing my part, and I promise I'll make it strong.

You don't have to tell me anything anymore my brother. No matter what you will always be with me. I only have one more verse and I know now that it's not going to end with bitterness. No matter what remember you will always be my big brother but please don't worry because there was nothing you could do. I hope that you see my end verse was just the start of your life song.

I no longer fear this because I know that what I have written will always be the utmost truth. For I believe now that this song isn't the end of our life, it's just my swan song that I have always waited to sing.

{A}{N}

This is my first try at writing these characters so please tell me if anything seems very OOC. I have another part to this, Hikaru's part but I'm not sure if I should post it or not.

Hope you liked, and please R&R if you feel like it! It is majorly loved.

Thanks for reading

~GatewaysDiary~