Disclaimer: I own everything and your mom, you stupid, stupid people.

Scene 1: A Pitiful Schoolhouse

In a magical land of wonder called Symphonia, full of bunnies, plot, and state-of-the-art graphics (and the retarded, low-income, orgiastic offspring of that mediocre ménage a troi), sat a small and pitiful little schoolhouse made of cardboard and nails. In it sat a pitiful nerd, his pitiful class, and his two pitiful idiot friends that repeatedly copied off of his pitiful homework and cheated him out of his lunch money. To make matters worse, his evil older sister was the teacher of the class.

Drooling and sleeping in the very back of the grungy one-room schoolhouse with two buckets in each hand stood a drooling idiot, which in hindsight is redundant and probably some type of fallacy, as all idiots drool at some point or another. This drooling idiot's name was Lloyd Irving, and he was wearing a bright red buttoned get-up with suspenders, the effect of which made Joan Rivers' plastic face cry crocodile tears in agony whenever anyone glimpsed at it, and also insert overused joke about Baby Jesus here. The two buckets that Lloyd was holding were filled with grade-A Dasani water, because the water that came from the well in the back of the little schoolhouse was full of iron and was too grungy and pitiful to drink or one might die of salmonella.

But such things were far from Lloyd's sleeping, comatose mind.

Two rows from the back and three seats to the right sat an adorable little cerulean-eyed blond idiot named Colette Brunel whom, while having no chest to speak of, was simply too adorable for words. She had two middle names – Mary and Sue. And she was the Chosen One, who was supposed to save the world. She admired/had the hots for the idiot Lloyd intensely, which the elven nerd Genis could not fathom, because he was not gay and had no muscly muscles, unlike Lloyd.

Genis, the nerdy elf, sat right next to Colette and had been asking for a seat change from his evil sister for years. He wanted to be as far away from these idiots in his class as possible as he was paranoid that their idiocy was actually toxic and transmittable by air, like tuberculosis. And like tuberculosis, laughing about the predicament only made it worse.

While all this descriptive, impressive stuff was happening, Genis's evil elven sister was lecturing the class about something or other. It was really boring. Not even Genis was paying attention.

"Does anyone know the answer?" Evilly said the evil teacher, Genis' evil elder sister, Raine. She rubbed her pale hands together in a gesture of evil that would've made Monty Burns proud.

Genis prayed to all the Gods he knew of that his evil sister wouldn't point her evil index finger at him.

But, because God hates him, she did.

Genis decided that Richard Dawkins had the right idea from then on.

Standing up and giving a sarcastic salute to his sister, he answered faithfully, "Raine, even if I was listening, I wouldn't give you the satisfaction of an answer." He knew that this reply would spell his doom, but in his elven little nerdy, god-complex mind, he thought that it would be worth it.

Raine's response was an enraged scream and desk-throw at Genis' pitiful elven head. He was knocked out instantly, because he had no dodging skills to speak of, and the resultant loud bang of desk-against-flesh woke Lloyd up from his stupor.

"What? Whu—What happened? Aww, man, I was having the most awesome dream, too."

Raine screamed fitfully and, foaming at the mouth, picked up the nearest object, which happened to be a small child and threw it at Lloyd's idiot head. Lloyd, who possessed a much higher ability to dodge flying desks and children than Genis, easily dodged the shrieking projectile that then went crashing out of the cardboard window and likely fell to his death. But because everyone in this village that the schoolhouse was a part of was a complete sociopath, no one gave a damn, least of all Lloyd.

Colette, however, was a nasty little do-gooder Chosen One and had something nosy to say about all of Raine's violence.

"Ms. Sage, like, why are you throwing kids? That's mean! The Goddess Martel wouldn't approve."

Raine was too busy screaming in rage and threw another child at Lloyd. Completely rabid at this point, she tore off her orange teacher-robe and jumped through the ceiling of the schoolhouse and went to spread her rabid psychosis towards all the other people in the village.

Genis chose that exact moment to wake up from his concussion. "Owww….my head!"

"Dude," Lloyd laughed, dropping the buckets of water he'd been holding, "Genis, you should've seen your sister, that was freaking epic. Hey, why were you on the floor, anyway?"

"Oh Goddess…" Genis muttered, and then corrected himself (as he'd chosen to be an atheist a few paragraphs up), "ugh, I mean, oh Math and Darwin…what happened?"

Colette cocked her chosen head to the side and stared up at the new hole in the ceiling. "I wonder how she did that…?"

Genis stared at the new hole that Raine had made in the schoolhouse's cardboard ceiling and groaned in despair. "Oh, Go—I mean, Science, another hole? Now the owls are going to get in again…they'll make such a mess…"

"God, stop whining," Lloyd guffawed and smacked Genis in the back of his atheist head. Genis was knocked out cold, as Lloyd was unaware of his strength (he had also forgotten to take his Exsphere off that morning, a blue-shaped gem embedded on his left hand in the shape of a donut hole which was poorly concealed by a Scooby-Doo Band-Aid, and it also enhanced his strength tremendously with maaaagic) and the small genius slid to the ground with a sad little thump. Before anyone could notice and object, Lloyd gave a huge whoop of excitement. "C'mon everyone! School's out!" Suspenders cried out gleefully and ran out of the pitiful schoolhouse, a chorus of Alice in Chains echoing behind him.

Lloyd ran out of the schoolhouse and made a break for the woods with the rest of the oppressed and hungry children, feeling like a young version of Lenin, but quickly realized he'd forgotten his wooden swords back at the schoolhouse and went back inside to get them. Not that wooden swords could do much damage to anyone, except maybe vampires, and but those weren't real, silly goose, and this is the wrong fanfiction to be debating that. Anyway, he regretted the decision instantly, as his nerdy elven buddy Genis had just woken up from his "nap."

"Uh, hey," Lloyd said conversationally, tying on his "sword" belt, absently wondering why he lacked real weapons in a village that was clearly populated by madmen and abusive psychos like his teacher Raine. Hell, 95% of the world outside of the village wanted to murder and mangle the fuck out of his heroic guts, and he had to face that shit every time he walked home because he lived in the woods for no good reason. Lloyd just hoped Genis wouldn't dignify him with an answer. He hated it when Genis got all smart on him. One of two things always happened when Genis talked – he made Lloyd feel like a moron, which usually got Genis punched, or he made some kind of sarcastic remark, which usually got Genis punched. Lloyd wasn't in the mood to explain all the bruises he was about to inflict on his elven friend to his elven friend's evil sister (even he had enough of a brain to know evil when he saw it), so he just prayed to the Goddess Martel (half-heartedly, he didn't buy into the whole God-crap even though Colette always told him he should) that Genis would shut the hell up.

But because God/Goddess hates our main character, Genis didn't.

Genis brushed his spiky silver hair out of his eyes and waved cheerfully at our main character. "Hi Lloyd."

Urgh, Lloyd inwardly raged, here he goes! "So," Lloyd said reluctantly, standing around and being awkward and crap, "what's happening?"

"Not much. My head really hurts. I think I have a concussion."

"Right. Right. Cool," Lloyd nodded, clearly not remembering that he had been the one to give Genis said concussion. Life was easier when you forget about stuff like "oh no, I gave that person a concussion" or "I killed this guy, weep for my soul" and just jumped straight punching and ass-kicking. That was Lloyd's philosophy. And because Genis knew about Lloyd's philosophy, having been at the receiving end of it multiple times, he wisely shut up about the concussion.

"Lloyd," a girly voice from the corner of the room said, "do you think Professor Raine will be back?" The voice was of Colette, the Chosen One. Apparently she hadn't gotten the memo when everyone was supposed to evacuate the schoolhouse when Raine went crazy and stuck around like a like a…a fish or a rock or something, I don't know, come up with your own goddamn witty comparisons.

Lloyd thought about the smartest way to answer her question. Keeping in mind that he was standing in front of Raine's younger brother, a wee elven boy whose poor virgin ears hadn't yet been graced by words of the naughty sort, and the Chosen One, upon whose purity the fate of the world rested, he said, "Holy fucking Hell, I hope not. Your sister's completely batshit, Genis."

"You're telling me. I have to live with her."

Lloyd laughed in sympathy. "Yeah, Goddess willing, she'll stay far away this time."

"Last time she ran out like this they found her in all the way down in Izoold. Don't ask me how she got all the way there, I have no idea."

"Wow. What was she doing? Making out with another ruin?"

Genis gasped. "How-how do you know about that?"

Lloyd shrugged. "Observation. She gets all hot and bothered when she talks about ancient ruins in class, and she talks about 'em a lot, so I figured she had a fetish. Like Dad, you know, and his thing with high heels?" Genis winced. Yes, he knew. Lloyd continued, "Dad says it's not true, by the way, but I'm not buying it. Plus, earlier this morning, I caught the Professor whispering sweet nothings to that ancient war cannon over in the corner. Pretty messed up if you ask me!"

"Ugh," Genis sighed and kicked the cardboard floor. "I'd been trying so hard to hide it, too…"

"Try harder next time. Seriously, though," Lloyd laughed, "Professor Raine's a messed up wench."

Colette rushed over nosily to join in on the conversation. She put her hands over her mouth to suppress a gasp. "Oh-em-gee, Lloyd, that's not how you should be talking about our beloved teacher!" Despite this berating remark, she cozied up to the red-clad swordsman and batted her eyelashes demurely.

It was a fruitless endeavor; she was no match for Lloyd, master of obliviousness. "Uh, Colette? Were you just listening to anything we were saying?"

"I always listen to what you say, Lloyd," Colette gushed, her face turning several shades of delighted pink.

Lloyd was perturbed. "You're a little too close, Colette."

The cheerful blond slinked away, bitterly disappointed. Genis smacked himself in the forehead. "Lloyd, you are so dumb."

Lloyd cracked his knuckles and glared at his nerd buddy. "Genis, what have I told you about saying stuff like that?"

Genis paled. "Uh-oh…um, um, um, Dwarven Vow Number, uh, Septillion: Never hit your friend that lets you copy off your homework, a-and feeds you d-delicious cookies, because it's mean and cruel!"

Lloyd, unable to resist the powers of Dwarven Vows, quickly calmed down. He'd been ingrained with their power since he was a wee little lad, raised by a crazy dwarf in the woods. Come to think of it, this explains all of his mental problems. "Well…yeah, okay. I'll give ya credit for trying, but that's actually Dwarven Vow number seventeen."

Genis scratched his silver elven head in thought. He'd been grasping at straws. "Wait, you're serious?"

"Yup." Wow, Genis thought, I'm smarter than I thought I was. And just as he was about to make another big mistake by gloating his intelligence above Lloyd again (and thus getting the shit beaten out of him for the millionth time in his life (why was he friends with these abusive people?)), fate chose to intervene by sending a blinding light into the room.

It even came with a nice sound-effect, WHOOOSH. It was as if they had stared into the eyes of God, which they'd stupidly mistaken for the sun and were promptly blinded for their stupidity.

"AHH! AHH!" Colette screamed, covering her pretty blue eyes, "HELP ME, I'm BLIIIIIIIND!"

"Ugh, my photo-receptors!" Genis cried much less loudly and a lot more nerdily. The elf then reached into his magical elven pocket and pulled out sunglasses for the Chosen to get her to shut up. She sighed in relief. "Thanks, Genis."

"No prob."

Meanwhile, "NO, IT'S ARMAGEDDON!"

Genis sighed plaintively at his idiot red-clad friend who was running about the cardboard classroom like a chicken with its head cut off. "No, no it's not, Lloyd."

"Oh. Well, IT'S INDEPENDENCE DAY!" he cried, not slowing in his circles.

Colette didn't help by adding, "But I don't see Mr. Will Smith—"

"It's NOT Independence Day!"

"—OR Mr. Bill Pullman! Or Mr. Quaid!"

Lloyd stopped running briefly and squinted in the bright light coming out of the windows. He appeared in deep thought for all of two seconds before resuming his shrieking and running in circles crying, "CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIIIIIIIIIND!"

Genis opened his mouth and then closed it, realizing there was no point. No point at all. Utter fatalism engulfed his skull. Colette took this for a sign and in her poor, idiot, peer-pressured mind, she joined Lloyd in screaming because she didn't know what else to do and couldn't remember the actor's names from Close Encounters.

The whole shabang lasted for about twenty minutes, which was more than enough time for Genis to go to the bathroom, run home, grab a snack and come back while Lloyd and Colette worked their way down from their stupidstorm.

After it was done, and rationality was at least partially restored, Genis informed them, "Guys, I'm pretty sure it wasn't aliens. I think it was just the Oracle."

Lloyd was disappointed. "Man, I wanted to see aliens. But it's just the stupid Oracle…"

"But this way, we'll get to see angels! Just as good, right?"

Lloyd didn't need to tell Genis out loud that no, it was not as good. His glare did it for him.

Colette gasped and clapped her hands together. "This means I have to go down to the Temple, to the priests, and then…" she trailed off and suddenly adopted a look that Genis could only describe as pensive, because he'd never seen it on Colette's face before. Her face was usually occupied 24/7 by a vapid smile. He was pretty sure she had the same expression on while she slept. He would've almost called the expression "brooding" but that was stretching it – Colette wasn't that thoughtful. Was she?

Lloyd couldn't stand to be left hanging, though. Hated it when people trailed off and left him hanging. "…and then what?" He demanded, eyeing the Chosen.

"…then I'll get to sing and dance! And throw a party, and um, become and angel! And stuff!" She giggled, which was a total lying tell to anyone who knew. Lloyd didn't know this, because he was dumb, and Genis didn't care, so they just accepted it.

A few seconds passed in awkward silence between the three. Lloyd coughed lightly. "So, what happens? Should we go to the Temple?"

Genis frowned at that idea. "I don't know. Maybe. I mean, seeing an angel will be nifty I guess, but what's supposed to happen? Are we even allowed in the Temple? And aren't the priests supposed to come for Colette?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"I'm not, I'm asking Colette. I'm not even looking at you."

The blond Chosen hummed in thought and tapped her pale, delicate chin. "Well….I know I get the Oracle. And there's an angel involved. And then I go and begin the Journey of World Regeneration!"

The elven nerd and his abusive main character buddy oohed at this. "What's that?" they urged as one.

Colette smiled at the attention. "Well, I go on a journey to regenerate the world, sillies. And I do this by releasing the seals, which does something, and somehow fight the Desians too, which does something else, and then I go up to the magical Tower of Tallness and become an angel and some stuff in a process filled with angst, woe, and betrayal!"

And they accepted this.

"Wait," Lloyd had to add, "can we tack on 'bad movie references' to that list of woe and betrayal?"

"Sure, why not? Anything for you, Lloyd!" Colette cooed.

"All right!" Lloyd fisted the air in a gesture of timeless cheesiness. "Genis, let's go!"

"I don't know, Lloyd," the elf whined, "what if it's dangerous? Or Raine comes back and finds us gone?"

"What?" Lloyd cried, "I can't believe I'm hearing this!" He waved his hands in his elven friend's face violently to gesture his disbelief. "Danger is our middle name! And screw your crazy sister, this is for the world regeneration, man! It's for a noble cause! Right, Colette?"

"Right!" The blond nodded brainlessly.

The brunette was working himself into a full-on speech, and Genis braced himself: "In times like these, we can't argue over whether or not something's too dangerous for a bunch of teenagers to meddle in, or whether or not our psychotic siblings slash teachers will torture us when we finally get back home. This is for the world! For salvation. Or damnation, I forget which: the point, Genis, is… I forget the point. But we get to see the Oracle, the inside of the Temple, maybe fight a few monsters, rescue some damsels and distress, and who knows? Maybe you'll grow a beard along the way and I'll finally get some action!" He cheered at the end and fist-pumped the air again. Colette cheered with him and applauded because she had started thinking about flowers towards the end of his speech and was a complete sucker for peer pressure.

"You just want to see an angel," Genis smirked.

Lloyd punched him.

A few seconds later the trio stepped out of the pitiful schoolhouse and glanced around the village sneakily. What astounded them, or rather astounded Genis and affected the idiots Colette and Lloyd briefly before their minds settled on better things (butterflies and Salma Hayek, respectively), was the complete and utter feeling of abandonment that surrounded their home village.

"It's quiet," Genis murmured as an eerie tumbleweed rolled on by. He looked over at his companions for a reaction. Colette began chasing a butterfly and making cooing noises.

"Too quiet," Lloyd finished, satisfied that no cliché would be left unfinished, no sir, not while he was around!

A blond man dressed in nondescript clothing with bad five-o'clock shadow and reeking of aftershave stumbled on the three youngsters suddenly. "Why does everyone always finish that cliché?"

Before Lloyd could jump and scream at the top of his lungs, "I NEED AN ADULT" as was his tendency when creepy men with beards approached him, spoke to him, or accosted him in any way, Genis stepped in. "Frank! Colette, it's your Dad! Say hi," he nudged the girl-Chosen.

Colette stopped chasing her butterfly and jumped in surprise. "Hi, Father! Frank!"

"Hi, Daughter! Colette!"

"Yeah, we know," Genis muttered. "Frank, what—"

Lloyd couldn't stand it when other people were in charge of situations, even situations beyond his control or understanding, so he shoved Genis to the side and stepped in. "Frank, what the hell are you doing here? What's going on? Why'd you start growing a beard? And where is everyone? This place is abandoned."

"Not it's not," Frank said defensively, "everyone's just in hiding. And I'm growing a beard because I'm a man and I can and you're not and you can't." This made Lloyd sniffle back a few tears. "Wimp. Look, you kids need to get home, and Colette, get yer butt up to the Temple! You've got an Oracle to receive!"

Colette sighed. "Yes, Father. But—"

"Nuh-uh, no buts, unless it's your butt heading out this village and towards the creepy temple that the Desians just stormed off to!"

There was a moment of strained silence in which the world paused, the winds and waves stopped, and time stood still, waiting for Lloyd to catch up. Genis didn't even bother this time.

"Desians?" Lloyd gasped dramatically. "Why would they be here in the village? What? The Temple? Frank? Buh?"

"Yeah, they just went up there," Frank said off-handedly, waving his hand as if it was nothing to worry about, just an everyday happening. "All Nazi-S.S.-like. Götterdammerung and all that. Said they were going to kill the Chosen and set fire to some inferior beings if they didn't get their way. Or maybe it was if they didn't go down to the bay? For some hay? Or get some modeling clay? I don't know," Frank sighed, "It's so hard to hear them through those monkey helmets. But they weren't happy about the Chosen and something or other, and it got messy! Honestly, it was so violent. There was a lot of fighting."

"Fighting?" Lloyd twitched convulsively. Another thing Lloyd couldn't stand: missing out on violence. He felt betrayed that he'd somehow missed the fighting that he had no way of knowing occurred. "What? Shit! I missed the fighting?"

"Yeah, sorry kiddo, you did. Maybe if you hurry you can catch some up at the Temple?" Frank sighed and scratched his manly reddish-blond beard. "Back to the matter at hand, though. So, Colette, you've gotta go up there and get the Oracle. On the double, missy!"

Genis couldn't take it anymore – "This defies all logic, Frank, if they're trying to kill Colette, wouldn't it be wisest to lead her as far away from them as freaking possible? My parents abandoned Raine and I when I was a freaking baby, but you? You are easily the worst parent I've ever met! Also, why in the world would the Desians break the non-aggression treaty? They were the ones who pushed for it in the first place! That's completely illogical, completely nonsensical, and defies everything we know about their tactics! It doesn't make any sense!" The thirteen-year-old got so angry that he shoved Frank in the belly with his little elven arms and started growling in a manner eerily reminiscent of his elder sister, a distinction not lost on the suddenly frightened humans around him. "Damn, you, Frank, damn you! Make sense, you pathetic human, make sense! ARRRGGH!"

Before he could get any more worked up, Colette had to open her fat mouth. "Of course father, I'll go down to receive the Oracle and try not to get killed on the way!"

"Wonderful, daughter! Good luck!" Frank cried gleefully and ran off, skipping. Lloyd stared after him, wondering what drug Frank was on, and where he could get some. Genis stood there, infuriated, wondering what was wrong with the universe.

And Colette stood there, staring off into space angstily, but before anyone could notice she started chasing pretty butterflies again.

"Lloyd, I think Colette has ADD," Genis said as a way of changing the conversation and not going apeshit over how little sense Frank had made.

Lloyd nodded sadly. "Yeah. Come on, dude, let's get her down to the Temple and kill some Desians."

"You've got to be kidding," Genis guffawed. "Lloyd, we're teenagers, we've never killed anything. We've been living in this village for our whole lives!"

"Correction," Lloyd held up a finger, "you've been living in this village your whole life. I live out in the woods with my Dwarven father. And yes, I have killed shit, lots of shit, mostly just evil bunny monsters, but those totally count. So quit your whining, you dirty atheist," he muttered under his breath.

Genis rolled his eyes and ignored the whining comment. "Okay, fine, but Colette and I haven't. Besides, you have wooden swords. I have a ball-in-a-cup. Colette has… her blondness."

Lloyd shrugged, suspenders shifting. "Oh, and her bitchin' Xena-chakrams, don't forget those!"

"She trips over everything in sight, Lloyd, even things that aren't there. For the love of Martel—I-I mean, for the love of Science, she trips over air. You remember that hole in the wall in the back of the classroom?"

Lloyd did remember. It was a big hole. A very Chosen-shaped hole. "You know, to be fair, that wall was made out of cardboard."

"She's a complete klutz, Lloyd. "

"Yeah, and what's your point?"

"Look, I'm not even going to ask you who the crap Xena is or what chakrams are, I'm just going to ask you one thing," Genis conceded and took a very deep breath. He knew he wasn't going to like the answer to this, but he had to know. "Why, Lloyd? Why? We can't fight worth crap, we're kids, and we're rushing after a bunch of dangerously sociopathic Desians who aren't afraid to kill children and were threatening to crucify anyone who got in their way not ten minutes ago. Tell me why." Why am I friends with you, you freaking moron, he unconsciously added.

Lloyd stared at Genis in utter shock. For a minute Genis mistook the look on his face for comprehension, but then Lloyd opened his mouth: "Are you kidding me? Xena's this lesbian superhero chick in a leather bra that runs around, fights evil with her chakrams and goes, 'AI-AI-AI-AI-AIIIIIE!" He yodeled and struck a pose. Colette heard the strange noise and mistook it for singing and so started singing a happy song off the top of her head, loudly, and off-key. Lloyd mistook Colette's singing for screaming and his wooden swords jumped out of their sheaths and started hacking at invisible perps.

Genis rued waking up that morning.

It took a full half hour for the trio to get their shit together and start moseying on down to the Martel Temple, and by that time, Genis was beyond being ready to snap. He had lost it over Frank, and now he was about to lose it over his idiot friends.

His new mantra while he walked became, — HATE MY LIFE.

Only to be interrupted by the appearance of some super bad monsters!

"Oh noes!" Colette cried, falling flat on her Chosen derrière in surprise. "A zombie, a ghost, and a drunken Irishman!"

"What are we, being attacked by stupid jokes?" Genis muttered and then got a good look at the monsters. "Wait a minute, we are being attacked by stupid jokes!"

The zombie was pathetic looking enough, with half of its head missing and one arm gone, the ghost was making Casper impressions, and the drunken Irishman was shouting out a jaunty tune about his sister, oppression, whiskey, and love for a pretty lass he once knew by the river Shannon. Lloyd, at heart a sucker for a good and jaunty tune, began to dance and sing with the Irishman, leaving Genis and the hopelessly clumsy Chosen one to fend for themselves against the joke-monsters.

Genis began chanting a spell in his special elven magic way and ordered Colette to take on the zombie. Colette nodded determinedly and whipped out her chakrams, throwing them about with, if not precision, then at least with enthusiasm.

By the time Genis finished his fire-ball and immolated the ghost (which made no sense, but he didn't want to think about that), Colette had managed to not only not hit the zombie a single time with her chakrams, but manage to trip over air yet again and somehow in the process land on the zombie and crush it to death with her Chosen blondness. They were in luck, too, as the drunken Irishman had just finished up his song and passed out under the table. Lloyd patted the Patty on the back fondly and went back to his 'friends.'

"Shall we continue?"

Genis never once stopped glaring daggers at the red-clad-with-suspenders moron, not once, for an instant, even in the heat of battle against evil rabid bunnies when he "accidentally" sent a fireball at Lloyd's perfect hair, not a single time all the way to the Temple.

Lloyd didn't get it, though. "Genis, is there something wrong with your face?" He glanced worriedly at his glaring elven friend.

"No," Genis glared, "there isn't."

Colette joined in the examination. "You look constipated, Genis, are you sure you're okay?"

If only looks could kill, he thought wistfully. If only, if only.