I Never Knew Love

Rating: K+
Disclaimer: I don't own anything Vampire Diaries, etc.
Summary: The ritual is over. Damon Salvatore is on his deathbed. And Elena Gilbert is about to discover the meaning of true love from an unexpected source. (Some spoilers from "As I Lay Dying" and S3 used and twisted to suit my own fantasies.)

Note: I've actually had this story idea for a while now, but the last handful of TVD eps really set it up quite well so I thought I'd just jump in and go with it. I'm adding a very specific character for a very specific reason and because of that there will be things from the show's cannon that will be 'changed' in this story.

So you know, I'm not new to fanfiction, but I am new to TVD fanfiction. Also, I am first and foremost a Damon fan, with strong Delena leanings. The only reason I 'lean' is because of Elena's attitude toward Damon most of time. She doesn't seem to really see or appreciate all of the changes he's gone through. So I do think Elena needs to wake up to a lot of things about Damon and love - real love - before they can really get together. He has some lessons to learn too for sure. This story is about that journey. So, let it begin!

I hope you give the story a read and I'd love to get feedback. The more feedback, the faster I write! :)

Chapter 1

It had been an excruciatingly long day.

Month.

Year.

As still as death, Elena Gilbert lay on Stefan's bed, starting up at the ceiling.

Unable to sleep. Unable to cry. Unable to breathe.

Like a heavy weight, grief and despair sat in the center of her chest and pressed down, down and still further down until an agonizing numbness spread and took her over from the inside out, the outside in.

The hours at the wake had been a vague blur of black suits, perfume-laced kisses and tear-stained faces as neighbors and acquaintances came to pay their respects to an aunt they barely knew and, unknowingly, to a father she'd just found. Like a specter hovering over the living, she stood outside herself watching as a detached Elena went through the motions of shaking hands, smiling at the onslaught of faces pinched in pity and hearing - but not registering - their uttered condolences for a sorrow they couldn't even being to understand.

Flanked by Stefan and Bonnie, she'd managed to play the perfect hostess.

Barely.

As always Stefan was the perfect support. He hovered. He soothed. He said and did all the right things. There was only one stumble in his perfect performance as the perfect boyfriend. In a moment of solitude Stefan suggested that he might show if she would only give him a call. That prompted the only flash of real emotion since leaving the graveyard.

"And why would I want him here? He's the reason for all of this."

Stefan's expression crumbled at that. And Elena, unwilling or unable to handle one more ounce of emotion that wasn't hers, pushed angrily past him like he was a stranger.

She didn't feel sorry for what she said, for what she felt. He bore the weight of the day on his shoulders because of his selfish, impulsive nature and inability to see anyone's reason but his own. Because of him, Jenna was dead. John had sacrificed himself. And she herself had almost...

She hated him in a way that was unnatural for a human to hate.

That hadn't stopped her from looking for him at the wake. Every time the door swung open her heavy heart would shiver with dreaded expectation. Each corner she turned, her glance unconsciously sought the dangerous shadows for his familiar frame. Even in her brief moments of solitude, she half-expected him to appear out of thin air, invading her space and daring her to take five minutes from her life.

A secret part of her knew she would have taken that dare.

Despite everything.

Because of everything.

But unlike some she understood her place. Her duty. The rituals that must be performed in a civil society.

Unlike some, she didn't have the luxury of walking away.

And even if she had, she could never be that selfish.

Now, hours later, the futility of it all washed over her.

How her heart was still beating, she didn't know.

And for a moment, she wished it wasn't. For a moment, she wished a rash action fueled by intense desperation had actually worked.

For a moment, she wished she was a vampire.

She wanted to turn it off. To shut out the pain. To not feel this all consuming emptiness, this intense loss. Or the overwhelming emotions battling in the pit of her stomach for ultimate control. To go through the rest of eternity not caring that she was completely and utterly alone.

The way Damon Salvatore had.

Her scattered thoughts coalesced once more around the reckless vampire with piercing blue eyes. She hadn't seen him since they left the graveyard. Since they'd shared a glance that was full of every shattered thing between them and every shimmering thing that wasn't.

She hated herself for that look.

She hated herself for feeling the intensity of it. For its raw honesty. It's unspoken apology and undeniable bond. But most of all, she hated herself for wanting his vibrant, unsettling presence beside her, filling her up and taking her over.

For feeling anything Damon-related at all.

She hadn't seen him, yet he'd been with her every second. She didn't have it in her to reason out why his was the one face she searched for. Why that one act had kept her from having a full-blown mental break down. Or why his absence was the only thing she'd felt in the numb-filled wake of senseless deaths.

But it was.

And she couldn't deny it any longer.

Because as much as she didn't want to feel...

She needed to feel.

She needed to run and scream and rail against everything Fate had brought her way. She needed to pound her fists against an unmovable wall and struggle against the darkness pressing in on her from every side. Most of all, she needed to scratch and claw her way back from death to life.

The sudden, intense desire blazed through her.

Bolting upright with a growl of frustration, Elena bounced off of Stefan's bed and turned toward the door, her determined steps taking her to the only place that was safe enough for her to rage.

Because despite it all...

Because of it all...

She needed him to feel.

tbc