Chapter 9: ...and then you die.
"Subaru ... Subaru!" Kamui had creeped back into bed and was shaking the onmyouji to rouse him. Snuggled contentedly under the thick fog of sleep, Subaru found this vaguely irritating and swatted Kamui away weakly. When that did not succeed in dissuading the younger man he tried to pull him into bed as if he could pull Kamui into his own slumber.
"Subaru!!" Kamui's whine suggested the interruption might be more important than Subaru wanted to admit.
"Negh?"
"Come on, it's time, it's happening, come on.."
He moved his arms over his face but made no attempt to get up. Kamui nudged a little harder, "Come on the doctor's here ... they need you there."
"Huh? Doctor ... what doctor?"
"The baby's," Kamui supplied with no little frustration.
"What?"
"...Maiko's in labor you nitwit!"
Now Subaru was awake. And violently so, he nearly threw Kamui completely off the bed. "Oh... that doctor."
It was well past dawn by the time the doctor entered the hallway with a tiny bundle in his arms. Both Subaru and Kamui sat at attention, Subaru's eyes wide enough to make one think he had no idea a baby was going to come out of Maiko.
"Well here he is, boy 8 pounds 9 ounces, healthy. But he should be brought to the hospital for some standard tests..." the doctor rattled off some more stats and advice. At the time, given the hours they could do nothing but wait it was a miracle that they heard anything he said at all. Kamui quickly took the child from the doctor's arms and stared at it in fascination.
"How's the mother?" Subaru asked.
"Exhausted, but otherwise fine."
Kamui couldn't believe it. So soft and small and delicate. So vulnerable to the horrors of the world. Instinctively he held the child closer to his chest. There was definitely something about him that made Kamui want to protect him from the world.
When he thought to look up he noticed Subaru watching him as if he was the most amusing thing in the world. Decorating him was the happiest smile Kamui had ever seen on the man.
"What?" Kamui shrugged self-consciously.
"You're smitten."
Kamui laughed softly and turned back to the tiny newborn in his arms. "Well look at him, he so beautiful..." Though he had been cleaned off some, the taint of blood was still on his skin and it made the child seem more vibrant and alive. He was beautiful, even bearing the stains of his mother ... he was beautiful. "He looks so much like his father."
Soft black hair, gentle skin... the features were hinting at a subtle resemblance. But the eyes were a foggy, unseeing, gray.
Subaru, in his amazing mind reading power, explained, "his eyes won't develop color until he's older." But he did resemble Daichi somewhat, and yet in the fascinating way of genetics he also resembled a billion other people. "You're both just adorable."
"Ah," Kamui smiled, for a moment considering asking Subaru 'can we keep him?' as if the child were some stray puppy instead of a baby.
"Not our decision."
"I know," he sighed. "I've accepted that." Then addressing the child he said. "You'll be safe baby-boy, you're going to a much happier place. To a mommy and daddy who love you very much."
"Mmmm ..." Subaru agreed, the fatigue from being up all night was starting to over take him. He let his eye drift shut peacefully and leaned up against the wall until courtesy could allow him to go back to bed. It was this half awake state that Kamui took advantage of.
"Subaru do you believe in reincarnation?"
"What?"
"Do you?"
"Ummmm ... no not really."
"Hmmmmm," Kamui logged this away. "Looking at him now I can't help but think about that, his eyes seem so old ... not at all new to this world."
"I told you all newborns look like that."
"That's why I asked."
"It's too late for theological discussions ... or early ... or ahh--whatever. You should probably give the child back to his mother and come to bed."
"Okay," Kamui agreed. "It's been a long night."
Souls trapped in the Sakura spend eternity frozen in time. They feel not the passage of the years, nor the fading of their own identities, they just waste away gradually.
He had been caught by the Sakura. His soul had been frozen in time, and though he could mark the years out plainly his past was as fresh as if it were yesterday. It was the long years in between the death of his sister and Seishirou-san's death that were faded and blurry.
He was trapped and had been since the day the Sakurazukamori had marked his hands.
Frozen ... untouched by time, an immortality of suffering. That was the fate of the Sakura's feed. He knew this a little too well...
He had not wanted to kill. Never anywhere in his heart had he enjoyed the experience ... but ...
Hokuto-chan was in her, as was Seishirou-san. Two people who were his very heart and soul. If she died, they would be lost forever. And even if he could forsake them, there were the thousands of souls among them to be contended with. If the Sakura died taking all her souls with her it would create a great spiritual imbalance that could have disastrous effects.
He had learned something in his time as a Seal: sometimes a scapegoat was necessary to restore balance. One person who take on responsibility for the crimes of society. It is not a question of justice. He would sacrifice himself and bear the crimes of murder, despite knowing that not killing would be an even greater crime. He would take responsibility for the sins of a city that had brought raise to such a Sakura and be punished in the stead of many. He would kill and through this act become the murderer. He would become the Sakurazukamori and be charged with the murders of every soul in that Tree.
He was not the lamb lead to slaughter, he was the goat. Not pure and innocent of the crimes he would be punished for, but guilty and tainted by thick damning blood. He was nothing as glorious as a sacrifice. And it agreed with him just as surely as it had been his choice for things to play out this way. He had not liked the path his life had taken, but now that he was standing on the crest of it he could see that it was the right way after all.
Kamui made a small content sigh and drew himself closer into Subaru's arms. Subaru's hand etched slowly down Kamui's back with just enough pressure to be comforting. This one...
This one could know of this. His knuckle skimmed gently around the curve of Kamui's face. He couldn't see what was to happen. He had seen someone punished for humanity's crimes. He had seen another become the purger and scapegoat once before. To witness this again ... it would break his heart. Even if he understood that Subaru wanted things this way, to be powerless, to be helpless, to be unable to change what would happen in the same way he always was would break him.
But if he would not leave, what to do with him? Subaru's attention had been dedicated to her, he could have no life outside of her as things were. And any attachment that remained beyond this point would be snared along with him. Could he in good conscious pretend to be ignorant of this?
Six month were nearly over. If Kamui would not leave before then, if he would not seize back the life he had given to Subaru, if he would keep his promise and stay the full term, what was Subaru to do with him? He had been chipping steadily away at the prison of the Sakura since he became its guardian. He could not know for sure when it would break, but it would be soon.
Subaru was forced to acknowledge the obvious, fate had left Kamui in his care for so long, and Kamui would not leave, perhaps Kamui had awoken for no other purpose than to be the blade that slit the goat's throat? He had been so once before, why not once again?
He would kill Kamui and the blood of the one-- dare he even think of love-- would damn his soul beyond redemption and then he would be the perfect scapegoat wouldn't he? The one to which all blood sacrifices made to the Sakura could be blamed.
But he had killed the one he loved once before, and Kamui had been the tool with which destiny had culled it's scapegoat once before. If this was the way to bring balance, why was Fate being redundant? And if it wasn't, would he be able to live with himself after he realized his error?
Kamui stirred a little more in his sleep. He was dreaming, Subaru realized.
If Kamui stayed the full six months, Subaru would have no choice but to kill him. His pack with the boy had seem secular enough, if only because there wasn't any golden light or flashy effects that might indicate magic, to Kamui. But it was a magic bond, the oldest form of spell that could bond two people together. It was a pack.
If Kamui stayed and he did not kill him, his attempts to free the Sakura were destined for failure. It would be as if he had one arm tied behind his back; he could not keep Kamui safe and provoke the power needed to exorcise the Sakura at the same time. Now that the Promise Day was over Kamui was little more than a bird with clipped wings. He was not defenseless, but he was no match for the Sakura either. Was there anyway Kamui could stay in Subaru's life and remain unharmed?
Perhaps at another time of his life Subaru would have been willing to put the success of his destiny as well as his own life at risk in order to prevent from having to hurt another. But the bloody work of the Sakurazukamori had made the lines between good, bad, and necessary weak and blurry. If Kamui were to break their agreement the contract between them would dissolve, if not then Subaru would be forced to either kill him himself or allow the Sakura's wrath to destroy him.
The contract had not opened any room for Subaru to back out. He had wanted Kamui to find a reason to live, and unfortunately that wasn't something he could just decide. He did not like the situation, but he liked compromising all that he had suffered for, all that he had endured for even less. He had lost so many of the things that were precious to him, how could he make all that meaningless? Subaru did not want to forsake Kamui, but it appeared that he was helpless to influence the outcome.
The soft clouds of his memories parted, like a fog recoiling in the presence of the sun. He stood upon the pale dirty sky, made a bland tan shade by dust and debris of a fallen Tokyo.
He remembered this place. This was the roof of the observation deck on Tokyo Tower.
"You shouldn't feel guilty about it."
Even after all he knew that voice still made him cringe. He turned around too quickly, gave away his panic too easily. "Fuuma?"
"It was my choice to keep our promise."
Fuuma was no where to be seen. No... no this was familiar, it was not Fuuma's spirit speaking to him in a dream. It was a memory of Fuuma's dying words. He could see them now, the translucent images of himself and his fallen friend, airy like ghosts in the mist. "Even if I told you to forget it?"
Fuuma shrugged, "would you have forgotten it? I choose to protect you from the one thing you feared the most by granting your wish, because I promised you I'd protect you no matter what."
"And at what cost?" Kamui shot back. "Do you think it was worth it to me to lose so much over a silly desire? Had I known trying to run away would have made you do it I would have gotten over wanting--"
"Not to have the power?"
"Yes,"
"Do you blame me for it?" His eyes were curious, unoffended by Kamui's frustration.
"No ... I just ... it was more important to me that you and Kotori were safe and happy than--"
"That's not true," Fuuma laughed. "That's not true at all. Nothing was more important to you than living and having control over your own life. Who better to grant humanity salvation than the boy who embodies it very spirit?"
The ghosts of old Fate fell silent. Kamui knew he never found the words to undo the impossible. Were that such words existed that would make God realize he was wrong, that Kamui had been better than that. Were that language had the kind of words that once utter could make Fate correct itself and give it all back.
"It's true, you do want to live over anything else. If it weren't I would have killed you."
"It's not fair..." the younger Kamui muttered. He was crying quite visibly and shamelessly. "If this what you wanted, what I wanted, what everyone wanted, why does it seem so unjust? Why do I hate myself for the very thought? It should have been me ... I would rather all the responsibility be mine."
"There's only so much one person can do," Fuuma smiled. "Your will is your fate."
"Life shouldn't have been so important to me, I should have considered you over--"
"Well..." his twin star said. "That's for another time."
"Another time..." Kamui echoed, he had never understood what Fuuma had meant by those last ominous words. As the memories faded slowly from his attention-- and not even the anguished cries of his younger self could stir him-- he remembered what happened that day on Tokyo Tower.
As he had made his way down, his soul like a hardened lump of lead in his body, his anger and frustration and the sheer weight of all his pain sealed a promise. He would wait until the day when he could repay Fuuma's kindness. He would wait and he would never allow himself distraction, nor would he allow himself to move on until the tremendous debt had been filled.
He started to feel light headed and the beams he held on to felt too difficult to grip. Fuuma was dead ... he would have to wait such a long, long time to fulfill his promise. Could he endure all the years in which he could do nothing but wait? Was he strong enough to watch the world slide past him and not be tempted? He would never forgive himself if he allowed something to drag him away from his promise.
Sleep... if he slept nothing of this world could touch him. Curl up into a black cocoon and wait, safe and protected from the temptations of pleasures he could not have.
And then suddenly Kamui knew what it was that had awakened him, he knew with a certain and a clarity that seemed too ethereal not to be the truth.
Draped over the other man like a blanket, he knew he should be ashamed at his lack of consideration, but he was too weary. Much too weary to fight it anymore. "Subaru?"
"Hm?"
He ignored the hand working through his hair with a gentle and pleasing stroking movements. Such things were deceptive and Subaru was not really with him just yet. He could not have this just yet, the business of the end of the world had not reached its completion. And there were still promises he was bound by his honor to see through. If he were to ignore his obligation to them how would he ever be able to enjoy a future of his choosing?
The same was true for Subaru. It was not that Subaru did or did not care for him. Kamui with his immature mind had misunderstood it all. It was not that Subaru did not love him, it was that he had obligations to be meet before anything new with Kamui could develop. Promises that had been made a long time ago. Long before Kamui had been born...
So many years ago you started something. Foolish and young you wished to help the souls of the Sakura, but you were stopped by the Sakurazukamori. Things must come to a close, if you do not finish what you started long ago it will haunt you forever ... and we will always be like this so close physically but pulled away by dim suppressed thoughts of the past. Things need to end. And now that you are his successor, there is nothing to stop you but yourself.
Do it Subaru ... I know you can.
He felt compelled to say it, even though he knew it would be misleading. "I love you."
He knew that Subaru would not answer him. He also knew that those three words-- although they summed up everything he was feeling-- were not enough to communicate what he wanted Subaru to know.
"Don't misunderstand me, I love you because love isn't about soul mates or destiny. Sadly, you're not my destiny ... although I may wish otherwise sometimes because it would be convenient to have what makes me happy also be what I'm required to do. Love is about being happy that a person is in your life. Love is wanting to carry that person with you as you go so that no matter what adventures you have you're always grounded. Your life matters because of the people you know, not so much the people that know you, but the people your heart and mind recognize ... Love is living for others just because they exist, not because they love you back. So I can say easily Subaru that I love you and everyday I'm happy I met you."
"That's a lot wisdom for such a little boy," Subaru commented quietly.
"I just felt you should know. Because I've met people while I've been with you here that carry such regret because they never got to say to themselves what I have said to you ... Subaru?"
"Aa?"
He had never really wanted to die, he had just wanted to know the answer to his own life. He had never perceived himself as a free spirit before, but now he knew that if he kept in mind what he truly wanted the correct path would open through the mists he was lost in. His destiny was free for his decision.
"What do you do when two promises conflict with each other?"
"You determine which one is more important."
Kamui's hugged Subaru's body closer to his. "What if deciding which one is more important is too painful?"
"Then you should probably honor the one that you made first."
He nodded, "that's what I thought. I just wanted to make sure you thought so too, so you'd understand and wouldn't be sad. I made a promise to two people I love very much." With a breath he changed the subject. "I believe in you. Tomorrow you'll have nothing that will keep you from doing it. No commitments to your clan, no guardians to get through first ... and your promise to the remaining Seals is fulfilled, you looked after me. Please be strong the only one you have left to fight is yourself."
"Shirou-san has left us?" Maiko asked quietly.
"I suppose so." He took out his cigarettes and tapped the pack roughly on his palm a few times. "He broke his promise."
"Will you go after him?"
Subaru shrugged, selecting an eager cigarette and sitting it between his lips. He pulled out his matches. "If he didn't hold up his end of the deal there's no reason why I should hold up mine."
She frowned and eyed him suspiciously, "You did this on purpose. You had no intention of killing him."
The match hissed when struck, a bright orange light dancing hungrily across it. He lit the cigarette, inhaling sharply a few times to get the tobacco to burn before drawing it out with his fingers, and exhaling a steady cloud of smoke. Soft, sparkling eyes opened and looked over at her lazily. "Really now Maiko-san, I'm a man of my word."
She could have sworn he grinned at her. She shook her head in disapproval and rolled her eyes. "Uh-huh, should I have breakfast prepared for you?"
"If you would please."
"Certainly Sumeragi-san."
End