Sirius Black groaned as he turned over in bed. Fabian Prewett had some blonde twit in his bed again and she was giggling inanely. Fabian didn't understand the importance of getting rid of them swiftly the morning after without hurting their feelings.

As usual, Fabian's stupidity caused a fight between him and Sirius as soon as the blonde twit had left the fifth year boys' dormitory.

"You could show a bit more discretion, Prewett," he spat in the redhead's direction.

"Oh, like you know the meaning of the word, Black," cooed Fabian sardonically. "They prefer beds to broom cupboards, you know."

Sirius sneered.

"Clearly, you haven't got the magic touch. If you do it right, they'll be for it anywhere they can get it. If you do it right, they'll be dragging you to the nearest room, bed or no."

Fabian snorted.

"You may think you're hot stuff, Black, and I'll give it to you, that fan club you've got going is impressive, but the Marauder brand only goes so far. I'll bet you're not the sex god you think you are."

"Oh, he is," muttered James defensively, and Sirius winced. It was bad enough half the guys in the school thought they were sleeping together. Fabian knew they weren't, but he would take any of James's stupid, half-asleep sound bites to spread that rumor. More girls for him. Sure enough, Fabian's crooked little smirk deepened.

"All right, I've got a proposition."

"Let's hear it, Prewett," said Sirius lazily, pulling on his pants as the other Marauders stopped what they were doing to listen.

"I'll bet you can't conquer every girl years four through six currently, before we graduate. I'll bet you're not as desirable as you think you are, Sirius."

"He'll take that bet," said James, now more awake and more confident.

"Okay, if he does and succeeds, he can humiliate me any way he sees fit," said Fabian. "If he fails, same rule applies, but reverse."

"Deal," said Sirius, his brain nearly exploding with glee at the thought of humiliating Fabian Prewett.

"This includes Slytherins."

All five boys in the room winced.

"Fine."

"It also includes…" Fabian licked his lips and glanced at James before delivering the final blow. "Lily Evans."

Sirius gulped. The bargain was now not only impossible, it was completely morally wrong. There was a heavy, pregnant silence, and to everyone's surprise, James broke the tension.

"He'll do it," snarled James, and Prewett smirked even more deeply.

"Excellent," whispered Fabian. "I'll see you boys at breakfast. I'm sure you've got planning to do and I've got a blonde to snog."

"Which one?" said Sirius as casually as possible.

"Does it matter?" said Fabian with a wiggle of the eyebrows as he left the dormitory.

There was another silence as they sat around, not meeting each other's eyes.

"Why did you do it, Prongs?" muttered Sirius. "I would have backed out on the deal, you know that. It completely goes against the code."

"No, it doesn't," said James. "She's not mine yet, therefore she's technically free game. She's only off limits because you guys are too good of friends to be so technical about things."

"I don't think Sirius should do it," muttered Remus.

"It's too late to back out now," sighed Sirius. "I guess we'll have to make a plan."

"All right," said James. "We'll have to ask him if you have to re-shag everyone you've already shagged, because that'll cut the number down considerably."

"True," said Sirius, sitting down with a quill and parchment. "I'll make a quick list."

Remus pulled out another quill and parchment.

"I'll make a list of all the girls in question. When all's said and done, there should be something like a sixty girls, right?"

"I don't know, Moony," said Sirius with a wave of his hand. "I don't do math."

"You know what the real kicker's going to be?" said Peter with a little smirk.

They all looked up at him, nodding and said, simultaneously, "Mikki."

Mikki Clark, fellow Gryffindor fifth year, was a feisty, fun girl. She was one of Lily Evans's best friends, and she was the only strictly pureblooded girl in Gryffindor for their year, which was strange, because all of the boys were purebloods. Despite the fact that many of her friends were Muggleborns, or the children of Muggleborns, she was incredibly proud of her pureblood heritage, and wore her necklace with her family crest every day. As a result, she and Sirius spent most of their time arguing rather than having any sort of civil conversation. She was probably the last girl who would want to snog him, much less shag him. Forget Lily Evans. She would be hard enough as it was. Mikki Clark would be the one thing standing between him and humiliating Fabian.

"You know, though," said James thoughtfully, "if we actually told her about the bet, she might do it just to spite Fabian."

Remus snorted.

"You know, she just might. If there's anyone she hates more than Sirius, it's the Prewetts, blood traitors, the lot."

"What the hell does she think she is, running around with MacDonald and Evans and the like?" grumbled Sirius as he buttoned up his shirt.

"I didn't say she wasn't a bloody hypocrite," sighed Remus, "but you get the idea."

"Okay," said Sirius, tongue between his teeth. "I've got thirty-seven girls on this list here. So how many do I have left to shag if he says I don't have to do doubles?"

"Twenty-three," said Remus thoughtfully. "Fifteen of those are Slytherin. Mikki and Lily will be tough. And there's that Ravenclaw sixth year, Kennedy McKlein, who wants to join a Muggle convent after graduating…. She'll be tough. But other than that, I'd say you've got about five easy targets."

"Wait…" said James, frowning. "Are you sure all of those girls on your list over there are within the parameters of the bet? That's a lot…"

Sirius smirked.

"Trust me, Prongs, if it wasn't, the list would be much, much longer."

"Well, I suppose we'll have to go make the request of Prewett," said Remus, distaste in his mouth as he spat out Fabian's surname. They probably wouldn't have had a problem with the boy to begin with if he hadn't been the only thing keeping the Marauders from having their own space at Hogwarts.

"Yeah, let's go pry him away from his blonde," said Sirius eagerly, doing up his tie and practically dragging his friends down to the Great Hall behind him.

Sure enough, Fabian Prewett was at the Gryffindor table, one hand on his fork, which was loaded with eggs, and his other hand on the thigh of some pretty young blonde who must have been a third year, traveling up her skirt as she giggled, embarrassed, but didn't stop him.

"Oy, Prewett," growled Sirius as he sat down across from him, "we have a point to clarify in our bargain."

"And what would that be, Black?" said Fabian, still tickling the thigh of the blonde to his left.

"Do I have to re-shag girls I've already bedded?"

"Or closeted," supplied James.

"Or toileted," quipped Remus.

"Or changing roomed," said Peter with a grin.

"You get the idea," growled Sirius.

Fabian narrowed his eyes.

"Why do I feel like I'm going to regret being reasonable and saying no repeats necessary?"

Sirius grinned and handed him the parchment saying, "Here's the list of girls I've already taken care of. If you're suspicious, you can check them all, they'd be happy to tell you all about it."

Fabian's eyes grew wide as he scanned the list.

"B-but this hardly leaves anyone at all!" cried Fabian. "Just the Slytherins and…and Evans and…Mikki and…" Fabian's lip began to curl viciously. "Never mind, I don't regret it at all. You've still got your work cut out for you. Most of these girls are impossible. You'll never bed them all. And here's another little wager for you."

"What have you got?"

"You bed Mikki Clark before me and I will personally declare you Merlin's gift to witches. Have we got a deal?"

Remus snorted into his juice and then set down the glass.

"You're both insane. I'd be surprised if Sirius manages to bed Mikki, much less you, Fabian. If either of you gets that girl, the world is sure to start crashing down around us."

"Stranger things have happened," argued Sirius. "After all, Evans ditched Snivellus as a friend the other day. Perhaps the winds are changing."

"Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that he called her a horribly offensive and unforgivable name and has nothing to do with wind at all," replied Remus dryly as he stirred his porridge.

"Or maybe," said James with a grin, "it has something to do with the fact that she's realized she's madly in love with me and has nothing to do with wind or awful names."

"Don't dwell on that hope, Potter," snarled Mikki Clark herself, the feisty little black-haired beauty. "Oy, Remus, I need to borrow your Transfiguration notes from Wednesday."

Remus frowned and said, "Didn't you take notes?"

"I did."

"So why don't you use them?"

"I can't."

"What happened to them?"

"They're gone."

"Where did they go?"

"They've been eaten."

"By what?"

"By me."

All five boys stared at her open-mouthed. Mikki sighed.

"Okay, so Mary thought it would be a great idea to write a top-secret message to me on my Transfiguration notes. She left me with no choice. I had to eat them."

Remus gave her a disgusted look and told her she could borrow them any time while the other boys laughed appreciatively at her antics. Mikki gave Remus a grateful kiss on the cheek and squeaked, "Thanks, Remus, you're fabulous. I'll come and get them after breakfast!"

"Oy, Clark!" said Fabian as Mikki turned to go. She whirled back around.

"Yes, Prewett?" she said sweetly. Sirius had to hand it to her; the girl knew how to play the game.

"What are you doing this weekend?"

Mikki batted her eyelashes and said, "Not you, Prewett, and that's all you need to know." She turned her sickeningly sweet grin to each of the boys at the table in turn and said, "Enjoy your breakfast, boys."

As soon as she skipped away, Fabian openly scowled.

"Do you actually want her, Prewett?" howled James, nearly doubled over with laughter.

"No," spat Prewett, "but I've heard she's a good lay."

Sirius frowned.

"From who? I wasn't aware she was on the market."

Fabian smirked.

"I heard about it from a private discussion I overheard in the Slytherin changing rooms as I was leaving."

"Do I want to know why you were in the Slytherin changing rooms, Prewett?" barked James, who was their captain at Quidditch, and winced at the thought of them having to forfeit because of something Fabian had done.

"Of course not, Captain," smirked Fabian. "It would spoil the surprise. You'll see at the next match. Those showerheads are far too simple to charm."

"Delayed spell, of course?" said Remus with an approving nod. "From their latest practice?"

"No getting it past you, Lupin," said Fabian who was now completely ignoring the blonde still sitting at his left. He had just asked out another girl in front of her and she was still sitting there, hoping he would notice her. Sirius looked her up and down to make a mental note not to sleep with her, whoever she was. Too clingy.

"Wait," said James, "who was it that was talking about Mikki?"

Fabian's look darkened briefly and he spat out, "Mulciber. And apparently, she's got someone trying to court her."

Sirius felt his fists clench. Slytherins who didn't know better than to keep their slimy paws off Gryffindor women made him furious.

"Who?"

"Malfoy."

"WHAT?" roared the Marauders in unison.

"Yeah," muttered Fabian, stabbing his eggs angrily. "I don't know if she's accepted the courtship, but apparently their parents are all for it."

"I thought he was going to court your cousin, Sirius," said Peter, confused.

"Apparently the albino snake changed his mind," growled Sirius. "I was hoping that would take care of a few things, but if he's moved his affections…. I wonder if Evans knows."

"If I know what, Black?" said a confused voice nearby.

Lily Evans had been passing on her way out of the Great Hall, likely to meet up with Mary and Mikki for a study session. Sirius was sure it was all those girls ever did.

"Um," said Fabian, shyly, "just something about Mikki."

"What about her?" said the fiery redhead slowly.

"Do you know if she's seeing anybody?" Sirius said bluntly.

"She's not interested in you, Black," said Lily with a sniff.

"That's not…" growled Sirius. "There's evidence that Malfoy is attempting to court her, and that their parents are all for it. I'm a little curious if she's fully aware of the mark that is on his arm."

Lily's emerald eyes widened.

"You don't think she'd actually…. Mikki would never…. Wasn't he dating your cousin?"

"Yes, well, now he has to court," spat Sirius, "and he probably thought Mikki was a better catch."

"He's not wrong on that," muttered Remus, and they all winced as they thought of Sirius's cousin. She would be pretty if she didn't have that look of disdain on her face all the time.

"Talk to her, Evans," Sirius muttered. "Please, she might listen to you. Find out if it's true, find out if she knows about the mark, and find out if I need to kill Malfoy or not."

"Let me get one thing clear to you right now, Sirius Black," said Lily, her green eyes flashing dangerously. "I will talk with her because I'm her friend, and as a courtesy for you telling me about this, I'll let you know what the deal is, but this is in no way condoning you becoming a rebound boyfriend, for you attempting to get in her pants, or really anything you might be planning. I'm not an idiot. I know how you operate."

"Now Evans," said Sirius smoothly, "I'm appalled that you think I can't ever do things for noble intentions. Mikki's a good girl, and she deserves better than scum like Malfoy. Doesn't mean I'm the better previously referred to."

"But you think you are, don't you, Black?" she countered.

"Well, Evans, we all know I'm better than Malfoy," said Sirius lazily, "but that's not hard. Just because I'm better than the likes of him doesn't mean anything, really. I'm sure even Prewett here fits that category."

"Whatever, I'm going to talk to Mikki. We'll talk later," she added, looking deliberately at Remus.

"Why?" said Remus, surprised.

"You really think I'm going to go out of way to make conversation with Black?" snorted Lily. "I'm reporting the results of the conversation to you, Remus, of course."

"Oh," Remus said. "Okay, then."

With that, the fiery redhead stormed off, presumably hunting down her best friend to have a heart-to-heart chat about the potential disastrous courtship.

"I wish I could hear that conversation," muttered Fabian.

"Why?" said Peter.

"Two incredibly hot birds hashing out what's bound to be a heated debate full of passion and aggression but not quite as ugly as a cat-fight?" said Fabian with a grin, licking his lips eagerly. "It's bound to be just about the hottest thing since that prank Potter pulled, Vanishing all the dresses at Slughorn's Christmas Party last year."

"Mmm, that was hot," said Sirius in happy agreement. "That was when I first noticed what a beautiful rack Mikki's got."

"I believe it was also the first time she told you to bugger off and shove your balls up your own ass," said Remus with a casual, even voice and amazingly straight face.

"She's said that twice?" said James, equally casually.

"Many, many times," said Sirius, a dreamy expression on his face. "Probably a few more times before I finally bed the girl."

"Not going to happen," sang Fabian. "She'll be in my bed by the end of the month, just watch."

"You know, I wouldn't have expected you to take interest in her," said James. "She's not blonde. What's the appeal?"

"She's part succubus," said Fabian with a dreamy grin. "It doesn't even matter what her hair looks like. Can you imagine having a go with that?"

"Ugh," groaned Sirius. "Thanks for that bit of knowledge, I'll be having dreams about it all week now. I could have gone without knowing that."

"You would have found out when you slept with her," said James confidently.

"Maybe," said Sirius. "It'll be nice to have a girl who can keep up with me."

"Yeah, if you get her, Black," said Fabian, putting down his fork and standing up. "She'll be mine first."

"Keep on dreaming, Prewett," said Sirius with a smirk. "I'll even give you a head start. I'll get all the Slytherins out of the way first. Might even bed the Ravenclaw girl before I go for the precious Gryffindor prizes. Should give you at least a month to go at her."

"All those Slytherins?" snorted Fabian. "That'll take a lot longer than a month."

"Not if you've got a plan as brilliant as the one Remus and James gave me on the way to breakfast this morning," said Sirius with a satisfied smirk. "They'll all be bedded in the next two weeks, easy."

Fabian's eyes grew wide with interest.

"What is this plan?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" muttered Remus, who then took a sip of his tea as Fabian Prewett shook his head, wonderingly, before turning on his heel and leaving the Great Hall.

"So, Prongs," said Sirius, "want to make up those flyers now, or wait for this evening?"

"Oh, I'll get on them right away, Lord Black," smirked James, who put down his fork, bowed to Sirius as he stood, and then took off for Gryffindor Tower. Sirius smirked at his friend's retreating back and rubbed his hands together eagerly.

"This is going to be epic."