Chapter 6

Kate and Rick rode in the same car to the precinct in the morning. Acutely aware of how it would look to the rest of the station that they were arriving together, she realised she did not mind the picture so much. Rick was silent in the car, as she drove. Occasionally as she glanced over, she saw the corners of his mouth curve slightly, and she wondered what made him look so serene. She also wondered if she looked the same, because she certainly felt a sense of comfort, as the thought of waking up today with Castle bringing her coffee caused warmth to bloom in her chest, like ink spread on paper.

For the first time in days, Kate was glad not to feel guilt gnaw at her heart, or anger causing a riot in her gut, or grief just drowning her. She wondered if this was inoculation at work. Does being around the idea of death all the time make you somewhat immune to it? Does the fact that she has lost her mother before make her more prepared to accept this loss of Josh? The sharpness of the ache in her chest that accompanied any thought of her mother's unresolved murder indicated otherwise to her. She needed answers then, just as she pursued the truth now.

Her calm was because of him. Kate shot Castle another curious look, contemplating his soothing presence in her life. Castle was always there. The fact that they had not slept together last night was somewhat a comforting notion. She admired him and thanked him silently for the restraint he has shown, for not taking advantage of her vulnerability, even when she had shown willingness to take their relationship further before - before the mess that had become her personal life. The events of last night now served as the only reminder that she was a good person and that she treasured fidelity in human relationships. Any shame she felt at allowing herself to sink into intoxication Kate transformed almost instantly into determination to find Josh's killer. At this point, she just wanted to put this whole portion of her life behind her.

"What are you thinking about?" She looked pointedly at Rick.

He looked at her in surprise, as if he was a little boy caught doing something wrong. "I, uh, I was just thinking about the case."

Yeah, right. He was hot on the case, all right, the case of how beautiful Kate had looked when she woke up this morning, even when she was disoriented and slightly hung over. She had looked so incredibly wracked with remorse when she assumed that they had slept together. As much as that would have satisfied Rick amazingly, he knew she needed him to be a friend, not an accidental lover. Besides, if/when they do take their relationship further, Rick wanted it to happen out of love, and not a desperate struggle to feel better. After his assurances that they had not done anything stupid, Kate looked so relieved she seemed to instantly look younger. She had smiled at him as she ate the breakfast he prepared, a private smile that seemed reserved for him only. He felt like the luckiest man in the world. He felt a sense of pride knowing that he had made her feel better, after the hell of emotions she had been going through.

For that morning, it did not matter that Kate's boyfriend had just been murdered. It did not matter that they were perpetually stuck in this almost-there-never-there, almost-lovers-hardly-friends-anymore stage. For that morning, the world just contained the two of them. They were just eating their breakfast with each other.

"What about the case? Did you think of something?" She looked at him expectantly. It was then that he realised Kate had pulled over and the car was parked outside the 12th.

"Oh, I was just going through it in my mind," Rick spoke slowly. She made a gesture for him to go on. "So, Doctor Meg Miller mentioned Josh was in the hospital in the morning. He's found in the alley in the late afternoon. Where was he the whole day? Did anyone see him?"

She nodded, the same questions having gone through her mind before. "Yes, and why was he in the alley? If he was walking, was he walking to the hospital or from, or somewhere else entirely?"

"Did he contact you at all during this period of time?" Castle looked worried as the question slipped out of him.

Kate shook her head, wearing a frown. "After our fight on the phone, which I assume began as an attempt to explain his night with Doctor Miller, I had no contact with him. My day became rather busy, what with being caught in a car accident and all." Her tone was mildly mocking, half-joking, but as she turned to acknowledge Rick, her eyes were sad. He said nothing in reply, and a long look passed between them.

The silence pressed on them like an unbearable summer day, but it offered much more than words could express. Both of them knew Kate had missed out a very significant event that happened between them that day – that almost-encounter at his apartment. The absence of words exchanged on this subject hovered over them more than its presence ever could. Rick felt that there simply was nothing he could say. All he wanted to do was kiss her. The more he thought that, the more he felt like ants were crawling all over his ribcage to get to his heart. As a writer, being unable to express himself always made him uncomfortable, and he was just short of wringing his hands in anxiety.

Kate sighed, breaking the electric contact between them. He knew then that more important things weighed on her heart, and once again Kate only needed him as a friend, and not a reminder of what could have been.

"Are you suspecting Doctor Miller to be involved?" Castle asked, his eyes trained on the entrance of the 12th through the windshield of the car.

"It's possible that she might have had an altercation with Josh out of resentment. The fact that Josh did not consider her feelings after they spent the night together does seem like a motive." Kate considered her words carefully, trying to squeeze the ache out of her heart. "But considering she was on call during the time of the murder, it seems unlikely. Plus, two gunshot wounds to the chest doesn't really say 'crime of passion' to me."

"I remember Doctor Miller mentioned something going on at the hospital-"

"The college student who died on Josh's operating table, yes."

"An eye for an eye, the oldest motive in the book!" Castle turned to examine Kate's profile.

"Yes, Josh mentioned this case a while back. She bled out. There was nothing he could do." Kate's eyes were cast downwards. Castle stared at her lashes.

"The family of this student certainly was in no frame of mind to think logically. Their daughter was a college student, still in the prime of her youth, probably on to do great things in life. To them, the only logical explanation would be the incapability of the doctor. Anything else would be too difficult to explain, too hard to handle."

"Hmmm," Kate acknowledged, "Her last name was Brookes. I'll call the hospital to ask for records." She realised then that she had been so furious and confused in the hospital that she had not pursued this line of investigation right away. Any detective on the job would know that the longer the investigation took, the more clues will get buried, the harder it would have been to dig affairs up and piece details together. The way she has been acting was only going to let Josh down and she knew it, clear as day. There was no space for private emotions in a murder case. This was not the way Detective Beckett should have and would have handled the matter. Perhaps the Captain was right. She should not be on this case at all.

Even now, the events of yesterday tore at her heart in a different way, in a manner that imposed on her need for rational thought as a detective. Why were there so many things about Josh's life she had no clue about? Did she push him to cheat on her? Was it because she was so closed off, so limited, that he had to turn elsewhere for affection? His accusation of her never intending to let him in rang in her mind like a fire alarm, and it banged on the inside of her head. It felt like something gripped her throat and it took additional effort to breathe. It seemed this way lately – that she had to remind herself to breathe, and the pain in her lungs became second nature to her.

"Hey," Castle placed his warm hand gingerly over hers, and she looked up at him. His eyes were gentle, and the lines around them betrayed the toll the past few days had taken on him.

"You're an excellent detective, the best I know. Your strength amazes me, inspires me." He smiled, like an old man recounting the good old days. "But you're also human. Give yourself a break."

Trust Rick to know her thoughts before she thought them; grasp her feelings before she felt them. Kate's face cracked into a smile, and Rick felt lighter immediately. She turned the hand that Rick had grasped, so that her palm faced his, and enveloped his large warm hand with a light squeeze. Thank you, the gesture said. Always, his eyes responded.

Kate's gaze dropped downward, as she failed to hide the widening of her illuminating smile. "You only know three detectives," she bit the edge of her lower lip, "Being better than Ryan and Esposito shouldn't be too difficult."

Chuckling, Rick imagined the disapproving faces of Ryan and Esposito if they ever got wind of this news, and realised they would probably have gone on to argue who took second place. "Well, it's time you gave yourself a break, even if it was solely to give those two more work to do."

"Yes," Kate said, "In fact, they should still be pursuing the trail of the missing money in Josh's account."

"Do you think he owed someone money and was killed because of it?"

"Well, we have a few possible leads right now."

"That's good, isn't it?" Castle's gentle eyes were on her again, and she felt a sense of warmth creeping up her neck and threatening to bloom in her face.

"Yeah, that's good."

Their hands stayed in place as they sat in the car that morning, drawing strength and lending comfort.

The 12th Precinct bustled with a drive that felt familiar and strangely comforting, that had always made Beckett feel alive. The activity and the idea that this activity was geared towards putting killers behind bars made Kate feel like she was a part of something larger than her. The 12th had never bothered itself with her personal affairs. It was not their issue that Kate had made a mess of her emotions, but she owed them, as well as the rest of the innocent victims, her duties and commitment as a detective.

"Yo, Beckett!" Esposito's friendly greeting cemented her place in the precinct as a detective. Ryan looked up from his desk as Beckett and Castle strode in, and he smiled at them, his blues eyes crinkling. He waved a manila folder in confidence, "Perfect timing, Beckett. We have leads."

Ryan and Esposito had not seen Beckett in half a day, and it was not like her to leave a case without contacting them. However, if anyone needed the space and time, it was Beckett. During her absence, Castle had called in to mention the developments in the case, including the fact that Josh had been involved with a doctor at the hospital. Neither Ryan nor Esposito had the heart or the courage to broach the subject, but they refused to display any form or expression of pity for their favourite female detective either. They knew that pity was the last thing Kate would have craved from them, and so they supported her in the way they knew how – by helping to solve the case.

When Esposito saw Beckett walking into the station with Castle with a visibly more relaxed demeanour, he had exchanged a relieved look with Ryan. As they approached Kate's desk, Esposito nodded towards Castle while Ryan patted him on the back, silently thanking him for taking care of their own.

As the four convened around Beckett's desk, Kate inspected the faces of her two co-workers. They smiled upon her, comforted by her presence as she was by theirs, their easy grins only slightly masking their worry for the female detective. She knew that they were the most loyal, most protective friends she had, more than she could ever deserve. In that moment, enhanced only by the knowledge of Castle standing next to her, Kate resolved that she had to pull herself together, and that she had all the reasons in the world to pull herself together.

"Wait a moment, guys, let me update you on a new lead I've got from New York Presbyterian yesterday," Beckett said.

"About that," Ryan began, "We checked into Doctor Miller's alibi. Charts and nurses confirm that she was in a four-hour surgery during the time of the murder."

Kate blinked, but allowed her confusion to pass, looking up at Castle and nodding at him, once again grateful for his help. He had saved her in all the different and little ways she did not even realise he needed him to. Castle only nodded wordlessly in return, acknowledging that he had been the one to inform the two other detectives.

Esposito continued for his partner, "Remember the missing money from Josh's account? We have tracked the phone calls around the period the money disappeared. He was repeatedly in contact with this man. The phone calls stopped after that period." He proceeded to pull a mug shot out of the folder Ryan was holding, revealing a middle-aged bearded man, with brown hair and eyes, looking like he had seen more of the world than he had preferred to. "Jackson Martin. Arrested one time for a bar fight, but nothing else on his rap sheet indicated a bad element. He did, however, have a taste for the ponies."

"Betting on horses, huh?" Castle spoke up, "Could this be related to the missing money? Maybe he threatened or somehow maneuvered the money from Josh."

Looking meaningfully from Castle to Esposito, Beckett asked, "How did he know Josh?"

"It turns out that he and Josh went to med school together. Columbia University." Ryan responded.

"Him?" Castle raised his eyebrows, "I wouldn't want to end up on his operating table."

"Hmmm," Ryan nodded in agreement, "He dropped out after two years, but I supposed he maintained contact with Josh throughout the years."

"What about his finances?" Kate put her chin in her palm and frowned.

"He's barely surviving on anything," Esposito said, "In fact, we could not even locate his job."

"Does he have an address?" Kate asked.

In response, Ryan took a piece of torn paper from the folder in his hands and waved it cheerfully.

"Okay, go pick him up. Castle and I will deal with the other lead – the one about the patient who died on Josh's table."

Ryan and Esposito nodded, returning to their desks, when Lanie's voice announced her arrival in the building. "Kate!"

Lanie was dressed in a white medical robe, with a blue blouse and black striped pants. Turning her head to catch Lanie strolling around the corner from the elevator, Kate gave her a small smile. "What have you got, Lanie?"

"How're you doing, girl?"

"I'm fine, Lanie," Kate responded in what she hoped was a reassuring tone, but Lanie still cocked her head sideways as if to say Don't you even try to lie to me. "I am fine, don't worry."

"Yeah, don't worry, Doctor Parish, I made sure Kate got a love-filled breakfast." Castle interjected, and Lanie piqued up at the comment, a teasing look soon adorning her face. Rolling her eyes to cover a blush and an uncomfortable knot in her stomach, Beckett cleared her throat, "Lanie?"

Rick, realising he had said more on the issue than was warranted by Kate, quickly muttered something about getting coffee from the break room and excused himself from the female company. Biting back a Castle-related comment, Lanie said, "Well, I'm just here to inform you that Josh was killed by a Glock .45."

Kate nodded, and the image of Josh in his bloodied shirt, with his vacant eyes, dead on the alley ground, surfaced. The searing image of Josh's body juxtaposed with the joy of Castle's presence and the love-filled breakfast she had just eaten, and Kate felt sick to her stomach, as if her body was physically manifesting the guilt that overwhelmed her. Swallowing, and reminding herself once again to breathe, she shouted over to Ryan and Esposito as they began to leave the station, "Hey guys, do a preliminary sweep to see if Jackson Martin has a .45, just in case. No warrant, so plain view."

"Got it!" Ryan yelled back, as he and Esposito headed towards the exit.

"Anything else?"

At any other time, Lanie would have raised her eyebrows playfully and jabbed at Kate with a comment about Castle preparing breakfast for her. This time, she just shook her head. She reached out for Kate's upper arm and said, "Are you sure you're okay?"

Kate took a deep breath and smiled at Lanie, touched at her friend's concern. "I really am fine, Lanie," She said, meaning it more than she has for days.

Okay, Lanie seemed to acknowledge with her eyes.

"You didn't need to come all the way down to tell me about the model of the gun," Kate stated simply, as she cleared some of the folders and letters on her desk absent-mindedly.

"I just wanted to see how you were." Lanie continued to look concerned.

Glancing up again at her friend, Kate's face broke into a genuine smile, wondering for the millionth time today how she managed to retain such amazing people in her life.

"Go back to work Lanie," Kate laughed, "I am fine." Even as Kate spoke the words she so frequently recited, and even as she meant it to the friend she could never lie to, she felt like the words were not hers, that she had said them so much, they began to taste foreign, unreal, and unlike words.

As Lanie left, Kate thought about Josh, wondering if she had stayed loyal to him the way her friends were committed to her. She wondered, in the way a reader goes through a worn and frayed book, if she had loved him enough to deserve the kindness that accompanied his death. Noticing Castle exiting and break room and carrying two cups of freshly brewed coffee, Kate wondered if she deserved Castle at all, and if Josh deserved her quick acceptance of Castle's presence and his love-filled coffee.

Hi guys. I'm terribly sorry about the late update. While my story is not insanely famous, I am aware that I owe it to my readers to update as regularly as I can. I took a mini-hiatus from writing fanfiction altogether, and when I started again, this chapter just refused to be written.

There were so many emotions that the characters were grappling with, especially Beckett, that I wanted to do justice to the character. Also, I had to move along the investigation, and I was so afraid you guys would have forgot what happened with Josh's case. Anyway, please leave me some feedback as to how I can improve, and I hope you enjoy this chapter nonetheless.