Sunday Morning

The notes danced across her dreams.

The shards of music twirled through the girl's mind, clear and pure. They darted between the hazy images that flickered there—images she wouldn't remember once sleep released her from his soft hands. The notes flashed a thousand brilliant colors under her eyelids—shifting between warm, soft shades, and bright neon streaks.

They sang a gentle lullaby. But it was a lullaby that hummed with a glaze of pain, a melody that had a sharp edge. The notes were pretty but haunting. The lullaby whispered danger beneath its misleading lull of comfort.

The insignificant dream shattered as Sami Reese awoke, yet the song lingered in her head. She stared at the white plaster of her ceiling, still not entirely free from the touch of sleep's fingers. When the grogginess lifted from her brain, she realized the song that had brushed the surface of her consciousness while she dreamt was the one named after her.

Sami. She had thought the song was soothing and beautiful since the first time she'd heard it. But it had never entered her dreams before. Now that it had, it was suddenly so much more real and enchanting.

The music was slipping away from her mind now. She savored the faint echo of the still wavering notes, like holding on to a taste that was dissolving on her tongue.

The way the song had intertwined with her dreams had showed her something. Sami now understood that she'd fallen for that song. She had fallen in love with the melody and the lyrics.

But Toby didn't write that song.

Her eyebrows pulled together as her mind churned with confusion. Toby wasn't the one who had written the notes and words that made her heart flutter. Was the way she felt about Toby only existent because of a song that wasn't even his? Did that mean her feelings for him weren't real?

She didn't want to think like that, but she couldn't control her conflicted thoughts. They were now turning to Kevin. The guilt that was firmly attached to his name seized her once again, spreading its hot, sticky touch over her skin. He'd written such a beautiful song about her, and she'd stolen his music and taken credit for his talent in return.

The painful words came back to echo through her mind—words that had been haunting Sami since Tanya said them outside her house during Friday night's party, not more than a day and a half ago. That kid loved you. He loved you. And you sent him running. What kind of person does that?

Sami couldn't deal with the stupid guilt that consumed her. She couldn't deal with any of the stupid, messy emotions bouncing around her mind and constricting her chest.

Just stop thinking, dammit. Stop.

She groaned and sat up in bed. The bright red letters on the alarm clock flashed 8:14 at her in what seemed to be a rude, mocking way, and the time only deepened her bad mood. So much for sleeping in on a weekend.

Sami forced herself to get up and start a day that could not possibly turn out to be any better than the couple of ones before. She'd felt nothing but guilt, worry, frustration, and anguish since Friday night. Her uncomfortable emotions were eating away at her insides during every waking hour. Soon there would be nothing left of her, and she'd be a vacant shell of flesh and bone. She would look like Sami on the outside, but on the inside there would be a gaping hole, nothing but air where her thoughts, desires, and feelings were supposed to be. She was becoming an abyss.

She didn't know how many more times her thoughts could twist in agonizing circles before they wore themselves down, or how many more knots her stomach could tie itself into until she wouldn't be able to breathe anymore. All she knew was that every moment that passed by was draining her of energy, and draining her of emotion. Every step farther into her own thoughts took her deeper into darkness.

A quick walk through the house revealed that she was the only one up. Sami sat at the kitchen counter and ate breakfast, but it was just an automatic action. She didn't even feel hungry, or cared what she was putting in her mouth. She felt strange: hollowed out and empty, as though the events of the past forty-eight hours had scooped out all her insides and left her with a deep chasm under her flesh, a chasm filled with an anxiety that made her sick to her stomach.

Sami couldn't stand to just stay at home and do nothing. She needed a distraction. She had to get out of here so she didn't have to focus on the feelings that were trying to drown her.

For some reason, the urge to visit Kevin in the hospital settled over her. Maybe if she saw him again, she'd be able to understand her own feelings more—about the song her wrote for her, about Toby and the record deal hanging in the balance and everything else going on at this time. Maybe seeing him would help sort out her confusion. Or maybe it would make her feel better and at peace for just a short while, at least as long as she was there.

Whatever the reasoning behind it was, she had already made the decision to go. Sami abandoned her breakfast, went to retrieve her bike, and wondered if she was insane for constantly visiting someone in a coma whom she barely knew.

The woman behind the counter at the waiting room smiled in recognition when she saw Sami. It was the same woman that had been there when Sami visited Kevin the other two times.

"Great news," she breathed, before Sami could utter a word. "You won't believe it. Your friend woke up! He's no longer comatose, and he's fine. He doesn't have any brain damage, at least not any that we've found so far. Kevin is very lucky."

Sami could do nothing but stare at the woman in shock. Her mind froze, her thoughts coming to a halt and standing entirely still. She couldn't process or register the words.

It took several long moments for the astonishment to wear off, and for Sami to be able to think again.

Kevin was awake. He was alive. She didn't seem to be capable of grasping this fact; she hadn't expected it to happen at all. Sami had never thought about what would happen if Kevin would wake up, and now reality was throwing it upon her with no warning.

The first thing that came to her mind was a panicked thought: what were they going to do about Kevin's music now? But she felt terrible as soon as the thought was formed. Kevin could have never woken up from the coma and died, and she was concerned about herself? She should have been relieved and grateful, even if she didn't know him that well.

Sami composed her face into a smile and tried not to let the receptionist see how unnerved she was. "That's great," she said, and as she said the words, she realized she really did mean them.

"Well, you know what room he's in. You can go on right ahead. His mother is with him, but I'm sure she won't mind if you see him."

Sami nodded and turned to walk down the hall. It wasn't until she was right outside Kevin's room that the nerves and waves of apprehension washed over her. She hesitated outside the door, and the palm that rested on the doorknob suddenly became sweaty.

What would she say to him? What could she say? I'm sorry for scaring you away from our audition, even though it really wasn't my fault and you were the one who chose to run away. I'm sorry that Tanya's car hit you, even though that wasn't my fault either. I'm sorry for stealing your music and using it to become successful, which is the only thing that is really my fault.

But she couldn't tell him that. If he knew, he'd hate her, and he would tell everyone. Her life would be over. She also had to keep Tanya's secret, or the other girl would tell everyone what Sami had done. Besides—she didn't want to spill on Tanya. That just felt wrong, even if Tanya had landed Kevin in the hospital. Tanya had done something horrible, but so had Sami.

Yeah, but taking the music of someone who could have been in our band isn't as bad as a hit and run … right? Sami didn't want to think about that. She was afraid of the answer.

She still had no idea what she was going to say to Kevin, and what he would think of her, but she couldn't hover outside his room like a coward forever. She had to get over with this.

She took a deep breath, opened the door, and strode inside.

Embarrassment had not been one of the things she'd worried about when she had been overwhelmed with doubts about meeting Kevin just outside the room. But as the skinny boy on the hospital bed turned his face in her direction to see who his new visitor was, Sami found herself thinking about the song, and about his feelings for her—and her face flushed with heat. Suddenly it was hard to look him in the eye.

When he saw her, Kevin's brown eyes widened. His lips parted with surprise, and he appeared to be speechless. Sami stood a couple feet away from him, unsure of what to do. She slipped her hands into her pockets because they felt too odd just hanging at her sides.

Kevin looked almost exactly the same as he had when he'd been unconscious, except his cheeks were flushed with red, instead of pale—and it was strange to see his eyes, after they'd been closed for so long.

Mrs. Bushwald was standing on Kevin's left side, holding his hand. She beamed at Sami. She looked so different from the woman Sami had seen at the meditation session that started it all, in what seemed like ages ago. Mrs. Bushwald's whole face was happy, from the corners of her mouth to the irises of her eyes, and all the sadness that Kevin's state had etched into her features was now gone.

"I'm so glad you came to visit him again, dear," she said, her eyes watering. "You're the first friend to see him since he woke up, do you know? I haven't had a chance to tell anyone else. Kevin's father and I have been with him on and off since the doctor called us yesterday." She gestured towards her son as she continued. "I'll give you two space, let you talk to him alone. I can wait outside."

She was gone before Sami could tell her that she didn't want to talk to Kevin alone. It didn't help her nerves that Kevin's mom had closed the door behind her.

Sami glanced back to Kevin, wondering if he was going to say something first. When he didn't, she cleared her throat. "So, um … hi."

She was never a nervous or unconfident person, but for some reason she acted like that now. She wasn't sure what to talk about with someone she didn't know. Kevin just blinked at her, apparently still too stunned to speak.

I guess it's all up to me to get a conversation going. Wonderful.

She decided to settle for the generic questions. "So … you woke up yesterday, right? How are you?"

The boy finally snapped out of his shell-shocked state. "Y – Yeah, yesterday. And I'm fine," he began. His voice was quiet and shaky, and he stumbled over the words. He was now gazing at Sami with something close to awe. It made Sami feel a little odd. "It was just really weird, because I don't remember what happened, and the last thing I knew before I woke up in a hospital room was auditioning for your band and running out of your garage." Kevin blinked slowly, looking as if he was surprised that so many words had come out of him. It probably wasn't a usual thing.

"When are they going to release you from the hospital?" Sami wondered if the last question was as innocent as it seemed, or if her subconscious was worried about Kevin finding out and then telling everyone about the stolen music.

"They told me they'd let me go in a couple days or so," he said with a shrug. "The doctors just want to run some more tests to make sure I'm okay."

"Right." Why was it so hard to look at him? Sami didn't like how uncomfortable this was.

Kevin hesitated, his eyebrows mashing together as he struggled to say something that he seemed too shy to say. "I'm sorry, but … why are you visiting me? It's not like you're my … friend or anything. You don't even know me. And you … you were mad at me during my audition."

Another blow of guilt struck Sami, but she pushed it away before she could let it get to her head. He had been irritating at the band auditions; she'd snapped at him for a reason.

But had it been a good reason? She hadn't wanted him to audition because it would lower their reputation even more if Kevin was in their band. Maybe she shouldn't have cared about that to begin with.

And maybe if she hadn't snapped at him, he wouldn't have run out into the street and gotten hit by a car.

"Don't worry about that," she told him. "I was just being impatient. But I wasn't actually mad at you. And, well … I know I never really talked to you before, but I visited you a couple times when you were in a coma. I felt bad that you got hit after you ran away from our auditions." The last part wasn't true; she hadn't felt guilty for Kevin's incident, and she'd even decided it was Duder's fault. But now she was starting to wonder if maybe it had been wrong not to feel guilty for what happened.

"Oh. Um, thanks." The tremor was back in his voice. His gaze was on his hands now, and Sami could tell it was even more difficult for him to look at her than it was for Sami to look him in the eye.

A tense silence passed between them. Sami considered leaving, but she stayed where she was without knowing the reason.

She was surprised when he spoke up again. "So … do you think you could tell me what happened at school when I was gone?" That curious expression settled across his features again, the one showing how he seemed to be astonished that coherent words were coming out of his mouth, and shocked to find himself having a conversation with Sami and actually able to speak to her. It was so easy to guess what he was thinking; his emotions projected themselves clearly across his face, enabling Sami to read him.

"Sure." She shifted her weight and noticed how weird it was to talk to him with a wide space between them; it made the conversation feel distant. But she didn't want to move closer to him—that seemed like it would just make things more awkward. So she hovered by the door, uncertain and hesitant and hating every minute of it.

Sami looked for something to tell him. "Not that much went on at school. Everyone was talking about you, though. They all wanted to know what happened to you, and they had a lot of crazy theories. No one knew you got hit by a car. A detective told my brother and me that we shouldn't share the details of what happened with anyone, because it was a hit and run case and that was really serious." She didn't include how frustrating it was that no one had actually cared about him, that they'd all just been interested in the gossip. That would just have made him feel terrible.

Kevin looked at her. "Have they caught the driver?" Worry made his voice waver.

Sami stiffened. She had made the decision not to tell him what Tanya did, but she hadn't thought he'd ask about it. "No," she said after a few moments. "Not yet." The lie didn't even make her voice crack. Why am I protecting Tanya? She doesn't deserve it. Kevin should know the truth.

Yeah, he should know the truth—the whole truth.

Maybe telling Kevin about Tanya's deed meant that Sami would have to tell him about her own.

"Oh." Kevin nodded, and now his eyes were bright with curiosity. "So what else happened? How was Battle of the Bands? You and Duder entered that, didn't you?"

Sami was surprised at his avid questions. She'd never heard him utter a few words before in her life, and suddenly now he was talking with an energy that didn't fit him. He said it all in a shy, nervous manner, but he was talking. Maybe being in a coma for a couple weeks did that to you. Maybe the words had always been bubbling inside him, but he'd never had the courage to let them out.

"Yeah, we entered. It was really fun. We didn't win—Tanya and the Hot Girls won, like every year." She rolled her eyes at that, but her skin prickled underneath the casual statement. She didn't see Tanya as the shallow, stupid popular girl anymore, and it felt weird to act as though she still did. "But something really crazy came out of Battle of the Bands. Nigel Waters was there, and he really liked us. He might get us signed." He only offered because your song made us really good. The words burned inside her, tearing away at her conscience. The words begged to be free, but she wouldn't let them.

She couldn't tell him. She didn't want Kevin to hate her—especially after he wrote such an amazing song about her that made her feel so special.

"That's really cool!" Kevin grinned at her news, and his entire face lit up. Even his eyes smiled. His happiness was contagious and sincere. It made Sami want to smile too. He looked so benign when he was happy. An odd desire to hug him visited her for an instant.

"Not much else happened, except Toby Phillips, Tanya, and Jim Povolo joined our band, and we changed the name to Little White Lie." Something dropped in her stomach when she mentioned Toby. She hoped Kevin couldn't see it on her face, the affect that Toby's name had on her.

Kevin's eyes grew big again. Sami remembered how Jim had bullied Kevin in the hall that day before everything had started, and she realized how ridiculous it sounded that two of the popular kids had joined their band. She sighed. "It's a long story. Don't ask."

"Okay …" Kevin shrugged.

Quiet took hold of the air once more, except this time it wasn't as awkward as before. Sami still found it hard to look at Kevin. She felt weird knowing he liked her, especially when Kevin didn't know that she knew. It sent pricks of embarrassment crawling across her skin. She almost wanted to tell him how grateful she was for the song he wrote about her, and how remarkable she thought it was, but that was a stupid notion. She wasn't even supposed to know about the existence of that song.

Sami bit her lip. "Look … I'm sorry about how I pressured you at auditions. You were nervous, and I was pushing you to play something. I shouldn't have been so harsh."

"It's okay. I don't blame you." Something flickered in his eyes. Sami noticed his discomfort, and wondered if there was a bigger reason behind his actions during his audition.

"Do you want a place in our band? You can join if you want." She didn't know what prompted her to give him the offer. But he was good. And maybe she could fix everything if Kevin was in Little White Lie.

Who are you kidding? If Kevin finds out what you did, he won't want anything to do with you. And if he joins the band, there's no way you'd be able to keep the secret from him.

She had to take back the offer. But Kevin looked so excited at her words. He was radiating that contagious happiness again. "Are you serious?" He stared at her with amazement. "That – that would be … just … whoa." He was at loss for words.

"I always wanted to be in a band," he admitted. "You probably won't believe this, but … I write music; I've written some songs." He said this in the way of a confession, like it was a secret that he was really shy about. His cheeks turned red after the words, and he looked a little humiliated at revealing this to Sami. It struck her how modest he was.

His words barreled into her with painful force. The way he was telling her this, as if it was something that would surprise her—and as if he trusted her enough to let her know something personal about himself—made her feel twice as terrible as she'd every felt about what she had done.

"Oh, that's cool." She didn't mean to brush him off, but she could tell that he was hurt by the hurried way she addressed his confession. His face fell, and his eyes were downcast with disappointment.

Great job, Sami. Not only did you steal his music, but now you have to hurt the poor kid too? Taking credit for his song wasn't enough for you?

She couldn't take this anymore. She couldn't be in this room, couldn't look at him for one more second. She couldn't bear to see his soft, vulnerable, innocent expression—couldn't bear to see that awed way he was looking at her. "I – I have to get home," she said, the abrupt dismissal rushing out of her mouth. Then she turned and left the room as fast as she could without running, leaving behind a confused, hurt boy who was probably wondering what he had done to mess up the first real conversation he'd ever had with Sami Reese.

But he wasn't the one who had screwed up.

You've made of mess out of everything, Sami. Everything.

"Crap, crap. This is bad," Duder said for the third time. His voice cracked with panic. "What are we going to do?" He ran a hand through his hair in agitation and groaned.

Sami had told her brother about Kevin as soon as he'd woken up. Now they were in her room, and Duder had his head down on her desk.

She was sitting in silence, staring in front of her with a blank expression. She didn't know what to think. Something about Duder's reaction was bothering her, but she couldn't figure out what, or why it was making her fists clench and her body stiffen.

"He's going to find out as soon as he gets out of the hospital." Duder's anxious thoughts were spilling out in a rush, a ramble pouring past his lips. "There's no way he won't. Someone will talk about us, and mention the song. And as soon as he finds out, he'll tell everyone and we'll be dead. Everyone's going to hate us, Sami, and we'll be down to a lower level of scum than we were before, and—Oh, God—we could get in serious trouble for this … Oh, God, what if—"

"Shut. Up." The syllables came out through clenched teeth, as a sharp hiss. The words dripped with enough poison and venom to burn even her own ears.

Duder opened and closed his mouth, then lifted his head from the table and stared at her.

Before Sami could fully be surprised at the command that had slipped past her lips without her permission, more venom was spitting out of her, and she was yelling. She'd leaped up from her bed without realizing it, and now stood in front of Duder with a furious look on her face. "What the hell is your problem? Kevin just woke up from a freaking coma, and all you care about is yourself? Kevin could have died. Are you too dense to realize that?"

A wild flare of anger that she couldn't control was scorching through her insides. It was the same flare that always rose up and took possession of her. Her blood surged with the need to lash out. "I can't believe how selfish you are, whining about our stupid problems instead of thinking how lucky Kevin is to be alive. What kind of moron only cares about the problems that they'll have because someone's life was saved?"

As soon as she finished getting it all out, a wave of exhaustion crashed into her, as though the words had been as physically exerting as they'd been harsh. She sank into the bed, and her posture crumbled. She couldn't keep it up anymore.

Sami felt like the yells had used up all her energy—not only the yells, but extracting the thoughts from her mind. She hadn't realized she felt those things until they had come out of her mouth; they had been buried at the back of her mind, locked behind the conscience that she kept trying to hold down and push away.

She was so tired of holding it down.

Duder didn't speak for several moments. He was eyeing her in the wary, nervous way that one eyes a nozzle that could shoot water out of it at any unexpected moment. Once he was sure that she probably wouldn't start yelling once more, he let out a sigh and stopped twisting his hands. "You're right. I shouldn't be thinking like that. I know it's a miracle that Kevin woke up from his coma. It's just ... we're in a serious mess, Sami."

"You think I don't know that?" she snapped. She squeezed her eyes shut and sighed. "I don't want to talk about this, okay?"

"Okay." She heard the catch in his voice, and the rushed way he was agreeing with her so she wouldn't explode again. Her stomach twisted even further into the endless tangle of knots. Why had she shouted at him? He wasn't being selfish. Her brother had a right to freak out. They were in huge trouble. Sami had thought the exact same things as he'd voiced out loud. She didn't know why his words had sparked a rage in her all of a sudden, and why she had attacked him for what he'd said.

No. She did know. She realized it, as she sat on the bed with her eyes pressed closed, as if she could avoid all the complicated and painful things that surrounded her now by keeping herself in darkness. Sami had been yelling at herself more than Duder; he wasn't the one at whom she'd gotten so angry. Duder had echoed her own thoughts—the first thing that touched her mind after she got over the shock of Kevin's revival was what it would mean for the lie Duder and her were living. She felt terrible that she'd been so selfish, and all the accusations she had thrown at Duder were really meant for herself. The first emotion that seized her mind when she found out about Kevin should have been relief.

Sami had been horribly selfish for far too long. She wanted to end it, to end everything.

She wished she could. If only she it could just be over, and she could stop. But she was stuck in deep, and she couldn't climb out.

"I know you don't want to talk about Kevin ... but can we talk about the deal with Kings Records that Nigel asked us about?"

Sami didn't want to have to think about that now, either. The problem with Nigel Waters's offer wasn't that she couldn't decide whether to take it or not. The problem was that she had already decided, and she was ashamed of her decision. She knew she was doing the wrong thing, and yet she couldn't refuse. She wanted it too much. Something she'd only wildly dreamed about was a few inches away from her fingers, almost close enough to touch. She couldn't walk away from that. Sami was too far in too back out now—and that realization made her hate herself.

"What do you want to talk about? We already decided. We're doing it." The words felt dead and empty to her ears.

"Yeah, I know. But yesterday morning, Nigel told us to call him in the afternoon, and we didn't because ... well, you were really upset the whole day. So I think we need to call him now and tell him we'll take the deal."

"Okay." Sami was about to tell Duder to go call Nigel himself when she realized that maybe she wasn't so sure with her decision to say yes. Now that she'd seen Kevin awake and talked to him, it felt more wrong than it had ever felt before to keep using his music. She wanted the deal so badly. But she didn't know if she could do it.

She just didn't know, and she hated not knowing. Everything was twisting into a vortex of confusion and uncomfortable feelings. She couldn't escape the disgusting atmosphere that clung to her skin, the atmosphere that made her feel like such a horrible person. "I'm going to go call him."

It seemed to take years to get to the phone, and even longer to dial the number that Duder showed her from his cell. Sami felt as though she were floating above the situation, floating somewhere cold and hot at the same time, a place that chilled her bones but flushed her skin with uncomfortable heat. She was detached from the conversation. Sami's head pounded as she gave Nigel her answer and listened to what he said in response. The heat that licked at her arms was crawling up to her neck and suffocating her. She was sweating, her pores reeking with the badness of the state in which she was.

Hanging up the phone was like emerging from a dank, tiny hole into the air of a sealed cave; now she could breathe, but it wasn't much easier to do so than it had been in the hole.

"Why did you tell him we'll think about the record deal?" Duder asked, looking at her in disbelief. "I thought we said we'd do it."

"I don't know, okay?" She couldn't explain her sudden hesitance in carrying this out, especially when just yesterday she'd told Duder they were going through with it, in a determined, firm manner.

"Well, what did Nigel say?"

"He was fine with it. He said to take my time, and that he'll wait for us to call him when we decide."

"So what are we going to decide? And when?"

She just shook her head without knowing the meaning behind the action, and then spun off in the direction of her room. She couldn't deal with it. She couldn't stand another moment of it.

When had this become so hard?