Chapter has been re-edited.

Have fun reading my story old and new readers alike!

Chapter 1- Maybe I Don't Want it to Be

Lucy's POV

I stood in my small borrowed bedroom at my aunt and uncles staring unseeingly out the window. I was thinking about Narnia, about what Aslan had said after our departure, this time with Eustace in tow.

I couldn't help myself when I said mentally. "Aslan?" I wanted to go back, it seemed we had only been there a few moments and yet I knew it had been weeks, closer to a month actually.

It was the last time, Lucy! I said to myself. Just stop thinking about it. I tried to force my thoughts elsewhere unsuccessfully. I couldn't deny it.

I missed Narnia.

Everything about it, and everyone there. Immediately the name Caspian came to my mind almost like someone had whispered his name in my ear. I shook my head to dislodge that particular thought. One person in Narnia I had well tried to quit thinking about.

Should I even bother saying I hadn't succeeded in that area either?

I felt a familiar pang as I remembered what he'd said on the Dawn Treader when I'd asked if he'd found a queen for himself.

None to rival your sister. He'd said, that smile of his taking me in fully, my real question unbeknownst to him.

I frowned at my self-pitying self. I didn't usually do this.

Mostly nowadays when I found myself feeling like that, I'd take a walk, letting the fresh country air calm my thoughts. It didn't work all the time, but sometimes it did.

It also seemed every time I started to feel that way it was because of boys.

Yes, boys.

I am not, by any means boy-crazy, even if every single time I go to the market and see girls flirting with boys, some younger than I, seeing some girls kiss their loves goodbye as they head off to fight when I pass the train station.

But never once has one young man ever looked at me.

Back in Narnia it had been the same, the suitors that came were more likely to be Susan's, than mine. How is that supposed to make me feel?

Sure, I know I'm not really beautiful, I'm the cute one. Always just cute. I am okay with that, I made peace with it on the Dawn Treader. Not seeing myself among my siblings and they not acting as if I even existed. It had scared me and Aslan had let me realize what would have happened without me.

So I was okay with not being beautiful. And Aslan knows, this probably seems very similar to that situation, but it's not. Not really. I just kind of wanted a young man to notice me for once, for well...me.

A tomboyish-more-likely-to-fight-alongside-my-brothers-during-a-war-kind- of- girl.

And truthfully it was not just some accidental meeting with a young man I wanted to notice me, it was a King. A king I had left behind. This time for good.

I was 16 now, Susan had suitors when she was fourteen and she hadn't even had her coming out yet.

I wasn't jealous of my sister, I didn't want one of her young men, I just wanted the unattainable one I could never have and even if I could...I paused in my tumbling thoughts.

He's in love with Susan, I rolled my eyes Heavenward. Okay, perhaps I am slightly jealous. And blind too. I'm just like a sister to him.

I was so caught up in this dialogue with myself that I didn't hear somebody approaching me from behind.

"Lucy?" The person asked.

I jerked, startled out of my thoughts.

The person, which, as I turned, I learned was my cousin Eustace, said again.

"Lu?"

I gave him a half smile. "What is it Eustace?"

He seemed to study my expression briefly, his brow slightly crinkled as if he were thinking something. "Ed was looking for you; he said something about you getting into his chocolate box...?" He said the last part as a question, raising his eyebrows questioningly. "He isn't happy."

I laughed. The first time in what seemed like an eternity.

"I am quite sure I don't know what you're talking about." I couldn't help myself, I grinned playfully.

Last night I couldn't sleep, (it was that time of the month) and I really wanted something sweet. But I, however, was not about to explain all that to either my cousin or my brother!

Eustace joined me in my laughter. "Well, I dare say he should lay off the bloody things. Perhaps it was a favor done out of kindness, Lu?" He suggested with a broad smile.

I was about to return the smile when an annoyed sounding Edmund spoke up, "Talking about me behind my back, are you?"

Seeing my brother's scowl, I shook my head quickly. "Ed it wasn't like that, I promise!"

His scowl deepened and for a moment and I was reminded of our first time in Narnia when he had met the White Witch.

He looked at my face for a moment and I thought I saw a slightly puzzled look cross his aristocratic features right before he said.

"Gotcha, Lu." He grinned then.

I rolled my eyes as both young men burst out laughing.

"You didn't actually think I'd be that mad did you?" Edmund asked me with the same puzzled expression I'd seen just a moment before. "I mean it's just chocolate."

Annoyed at myself for being so transparent, I just shook my head. "Not really, Ed." I balled my fist and socked him in the shoulder for good measure though. Teasingly, of course. "I was just thinking about something, and I was...distracted."

I saw Edmund glance at Eustace and a look passed between the two.

"Hey! What-?"

Before I could get my protest out, Eustace nodded his head at me.

"I have to head back, Mother will be wondering where we've all went." And he darted off leaving me with no chance to reply.

I swung around to look at Ed. Gesturing after Eustace with my hand. "What was that all about?" It came out a little angrily.

What is my problem?

Ed just said, "Nothing." He waved at me to follow him. "Come on. Let's walk down to the bridge before it gets dark." He was referring to this positively ancient wooden thing that looks like it will fall if you breathe on it wrong.

Instead of arguing I followed him, curious now as to what the problem was.

As we walked a thought struck me. Peter, Susan!

"Hey, Ed!" I had been lagging behind but now I picked up my feet and shot up beside him. "Ed is something wrong?" I asked, breathless from my sudden dash.

He looked at me in surprise. "No, of course not, what gave you that idea?"

I frowned a little. What then? "You're acting all funny." I said bluntly instead of dragging it out.

He stopped then and turned to look at me full on. "I'm acting strange, Lu?" He paused and I nodded. "What about you?" He shot back.

I took a step away in complete surprise. I wasn't acting that badly, was I? Of course I'd been a little grouchy and a little homesick and maybe a little jealous of Susan and...okay so I had been a bit of a brat lately. Who knew I had it in me?

But Ed wasn't finished yet. "You've been acting strange since we left Narnia," And stopping between each word to emphasize his point he said. "Three. Whole. Months. Ago."

I held my hands up to stop his visual of my behavior of the last three months.

"Ed, I told you I was just missing Mum and Daddy, and Peter, Susan!" I protested.

He shook his head vehemently. "No, it's not just that. You miss Narnia, I get that!" When I started to speak he cut me off. "Listen Lu, you may not think I understand but I really do. I miss Narnia too," His voice softened some. "I wish we could go back but this is our home now."

He reached out and touched my arm, prodding me to look him in the eye.

I forced myself to. And regardless of my efforts to hold them back when I looked at him I felt the telltale burning in my eyes and a lump forming in the back of my throat of tears barely being controlled.

If he noticed, he ignored it. "Lu, this is our home." He said firmly and I bit my lip.

And finally said something.

"What if I don't want it to be?" I sucked in a sharp breath, shocked at my own words. No, I don't really mean that. But part of me did feel that way.

In my heart I spoke to Aslan.

Aslan, I don't want to leave Mum, Daddy, Peter, Susan, or Ed but I feel like I can't breathe here anymore, like there's nothing more for me here. Please, help me. Please. I pleaded in my heart with the great lion.

Ed just stared at me saying nothing at all. That made me feel guilty most of all. He didn't seem shocked. He seemed less shocked at my own words than I had.

"Ed, no, I didn't mean it like that." But he just waved off my words.

"I think you did." His words made me cringe.

"Ed I- I-" My voice wavered.

"Lucy, it's okay, I get it."

I stepped forward then. "No, it's not Ed." I snapped. He tried to stop me again but I plowed on. "I don't want to leave you and- and everyone but I feel like I'm-" I stopped of my own accord then, not sure if he'd really understand.

The next thing he did really shocked me. Edmund, my brother, reached out and hugged me. I returned it fully. He didn't release me. "You feel useless."

I blinked. I hadn't really expected him to get it. But maybe he did. I looked up into his face and for a brief moment I saw a reflection of the same sorrowful boy Aslan had rescued from the White Witch.

Maybe he did.

Review, pretty please!