A Marauder's Guide to Falling Apart

PART THREE

Written by alliegrl

Chapter Twenty

The ward was bustling with more people than Marlene could ever recall during her time at the hospital. She hadn't been in since the day of Mrs. Potter's death, but Clover informed her promptly when she strolled up to the healer's desk for her scheduled shift that an outbreak of dragon pox had kept the unit exceedingly busy.

"It appears that half of London has been in and out of here the last couple of days," she said hurriedly; her Irish accent sounded much more prominent when she spoke fast. She swept a stray strand of her auburn locks away from her face from where it had escaped her ponytail, and handed Marlene a clipboard. But as Marlene grasped hold of it, Natasha spoke up from a chair nearby.

"Claven said to make sure you stick around here when your shift starts," she was grinning with unexplainable satisfaction. Marlene wanted to smack it clean off her face. Her irritation had grown tenfold in the days following her breakup with Sirius.

"You mind your own business," Clover snapped at her. Then she readdressed Marlene. "Ignore her. Room number eight is all yours."

But Marlene couldn't ignore Madley's smug composure, and she was in no mood for her nonsense. So instead of ignoring her, she engaged. "And why does he want me to stick around?"

"Obviously you're in trouble," her grin, if possible, widened. Marlene all but lunged forward towards the desk and Natasha's smile faltered; Marlene didn't need magic to get her point across. But Clover's hand shot out to push Marlene's body back away from starting a physical altercation.

Natasha's warning did however allow her preparation for when Claven strolled up a moment later. She wasn't completely blindsided when he addressed her, confirming that she was in fact in trouble.

"Marlene, we need to discuss your last shift," he looked annoyed but Marlene couldn't be certain if it was with her specifically, or that he actually had to do his job for once. He had been a terrible preceptor and she had every intention to tell him as much.

"Okay," she replied. She had expected that the discussion would occur but she wasn't quite certain why Madley was inclined to believe she was in trouble for it. She hadn't done anything wrong. Marlene expected Claven to lead her somewhere private, perhaps the healer's lounge, to discuss whatever he wanted to say. But to her horror he did not move, and instead continued the conversation in front of the half dozen healers within ear shot. Including Madley, whose smug smile had suddenly returned.

"I reviewed your timesheet and noticed that you were four hours into overtime when Mrs. Potter was brought in. Does this sound accurate?"

"Er – yes, I believe so," she had to think. The events of the night leading up to Euphermia's arrival were still foggy, but she had definitely been at work more than an hour or two past her shift had officially ended.

"Working overtime is a recipe for mistakes, and making mistakes within healthcare makes the difference between life and death. You understand that your lack of judgement on the matter is completely irresponsible, don't you?"

"Excuse me?" Marlene felt dumbfounded. "I was covering your shift. You knew I was staying the extra hours."

"That is neither here nor there," he said dismissively. Marlene could feel the other healer's eyes on her and Natasha's not so subtle snickering to her right. "I am afraid your competency was hindered by your poor judgement and you were in no such state of mind to be administering treatment. We will be lucky if Mr. Potter does not press for an inquiry."

"You're kidding right?" Marlene let out a laugh of disbelief, uncertain if he was truly being serious or not. She expected that there might be repercussions from missing a couple of scheduled shifts, but never in her wildest imagination did she believe that she would be punished for physically being present at the scene.

"I don't find anything humorous about this Marlene," he frowned and suddenly all Marlene could see was red.

"Neither do I," she snapped back at him with such ferocity that he flinched. "So what exactly are you getting at then?"

"I have spoken with Mathalda and we have agreed that probationary duties – "

"You're seriously going to discipline me for covering your shift when you knew perfectly well that I was maxed out on hours?" she interrupted him with a fury brewing within her like the beginning stages of a stage five hurricane.

"It is not your place to question how I do my job, Marlene. Must I remind you that I am your supervisor?"

"Are you though?" she was both angry and sarcastic as she snipped back at him. She knew that she was beginning to tread on dangerous ground, but she didn't really care all that much. Her question wiped whatever smugness from Clavens face he had previously held.

"I would hate to add insubordination and lack of respect for your superiors to the infractions with your record, Marlene," he threatened dangerously. "I highly suggest you watch your tone otherwise I will be forced to recommend removal from the program."

Marlene let out a sharp laugh.

"Don't bother. I'll save you the trouble of filling out more paperwork," Marlene tossed the clipboard onto the desk, causing the contents within its path to go sliding around all over the counter and onto the floor. She turned on her heel, ignoring him as he called out after her.

"This conversation isn't over!" he yelled, but Marlene dutifully continued forward on her way out of the wing. The conversation was most certainly over.

It was a bold and rash decision on her part, and logically she should have taken more time to contemplate the seriousness of her actions. But as she thrust the doors open to meet the crisp spring air that was blowing down the London street, she couldn't imagine any decision being better. She had mentally quit the program a long time ago, and for the first time in a long while did she finally feel free of the heaviness that had burdened her shoulders.

For so long she had felt hopeless and lost. And with her boldness came a surge of something that stirred within her, taking firm grasp and reaffirming her sense of purpose.

As she walked the bustling street she contemplated her life. She did not have a job or school and had no idea where she would end up in the future. She had no boyfriend, or at least not one that was currently available to love her – whatever that meant. She couldn't turn to her best friend because she was grieving for her dead parents, and her husband blamed Marlene for his own mother's death. Remus's words briefly rang through her ears: you are not alone, Marlene McKinnon.

But she silently laughed. Of course she was. The only thing Marlene felt she truly had left was herself. And her promise to Dumbledore.

She took her time walking home; she wanted to capture the moment in its entirety. She enjoyed listening to the chatter of the happy people out strolling in her midst. Their smiles spoke of false hope or complete obliviousness to the uncertainties awaiting them in the coming months. The smell of the bakery she passed by filled the air with a rich aroma of cinnamon and she made a mental note to remember how sweet and pleasant it was for when times seemed grim. She would need the pleasant feelings to remind herself later on in moments of doubt exactly why she had made the decision to let go.

Emmeline wasn't home when she got back to the flat. At first Marlene wasn't entirely certain how she would actually get a hold of Dumbledore, but she settled on sending a patronus message with the hopes it would relay her urgent message.

Fancy a drink?

Her patronus, a swift and agile fox, swished majestically through the air and out of sight to relay her request to the headmaster. She did not need to wait long; a phoenix, flaming and regal, brought his eager reply.

Fire whiskey sounds sublime!

Apparating into Hogsmeade should have brought back unfriendly memories, but instead she looked around the quaint and empty street with little emotion. It was silly to hold on to the bad memories that had transpired in the village because she knew that it wouldn't change anything. She was a different person for what Hogsmeade had done to her, and she accepted that that wasn't a bad thing.

She was strong.

Much stronger than she had ever allowed herself to believe.

She knew that now.

The sun was nearly set and the lighting along the pathway that lead to the Hogs Head was dim. Even so, she was careful to take to the shadows and gracefully glided in and out of them as she made her way towards the tavern.

She entered in through the front entrance and the door creaked threateningly, causing the bar keep to look up from the bar. She had never been inside the tavern before and noted that it smelled quite musty; a mixture of liquor and rotting wood. She wrinkled her nose in distaste, instead drawing forth memory of the cinnamon from earlier in the day.

A man that looked strikingly similar to Albus was behind the counter drying glasses. For a fleeting moment Marlene believed it to be him until she moved closer to get a better look.

There were no other patrons in the bar despite the fact that it was quite late in the evening and surely prime time for business. Marlene was inclined to believe that it was no coincidence.

The man made eye contact and his scrutiny of Marlene was evident. An uncomfortable silence met the space between them before he finally broke their trance and spoke in a deep, commanding voice.

"What'll it be then?"

"Er," she hesitated. "Fire whiskey."

He gave a curt acknowledgement by nod of his head and jerked his thumb towards a door at the side of the room. It was an ambiguous offer; surely she could be waltzing into a dangerous trap. However, her wand was securing fasted to her side and she moved past him towards the direction he indicated for her to go.

A set of narrow, spiraling stone steps led downwards towards the musty smelling cellar and she descended quickly. Albus was waiting for her in the dimly lit corridor at the base of the stairway. His smile illuminated in the light that bounced from the torches strapped against the wall.

"Good evening, Marlene," he had a merry sort of tone.

"Good evening, Albus," she replied politely, not quite able to match the same level of enthusiasm as he had demonstrated.

"I do wish we had somewhere a bit more comfortable to meet," he said apologetically. "But I didn't have a lot of notice and with the times being what they are, well this was the best I could do."

"The man upstairs," Marlene recalled Dumbledore's likeness. "He looks very much like you."

"Aberforth," he smiled. "Is my brother. I can assure you that we are perfectly safe here from wandering ears."

Marlene hadn't had a lot of time to prepare what she wanted to say. In fact, she still wasn't entirely certain of any plan she had concocted in her head since she had walked out of St. Mungos only hours before. All she knew was that this was where she was supposed to be, and everything else would fall into place as long as she just went along with it.

"I am not going to convince Tom to join us by simply asking him to," she said sadly. "He thinks that what we are doing is betraying the Ministry, and he refuses to do that."

"Tom is a loyal man," Albus said fondly. "Very noble."

"I've been thinking about this quite a bit," she admitted. True, it had been pushed aside many times due to the other pressing matters that had happened recently. But all the same, Marlene had been thinking about it, and she had finally come up with an idea. "I think I have an idea of how I can help."

"I would love to hear it," Dumbledore's eyes were unmistakably twinkling with anticipation.

"Last year I found myself in the North Tower at Hogwarts. I was told that it was where Divination was once taught, is that right?"

"Yes," Dumbledore nodded his head. "A very long time ago the North Tower once held Divination classes."

"I don't know much about Divination or prophecies so I'm obviously not very useful when it comes to knowledge on the matter. Since Tom refuses to tell me anything or join the Order, then the only other thing I could think of is finding someone else that might know."

Dumbledore seemed to contemplate her carefully. When he did not speak she decided to continue.

"I was wondering who the last Divination professor was? I thought I could maybe ask –"

"I am afraid that avenue will be quite difficult, if not impossible," Dumbledore interrupted her. "Professor Mopsus left Hogwarts many years ago and has since disappeared. I did once think to ask him a similar question, however when I arrived to his home it was apparent that he had abandoned it quite quickly."

"So you don't know where he is?" Marlene felt her heart sink with defeat. It had been her one and only Hail Mary.

"I unfortunately do not," Dumbledore offered sadly. "Eldritch Mopsus was extremely gifted in the art of seeing. You see, true seers are very rare and hard to come by. I do believe that he foretold my arrival long before I had set forth to find him. It is incredibly difficult to track down a man that does not wish to be found, especially one that knows your moves before you do."

"I'd still like to try, Albus," Marlene refused to let his words discourage her. "Is there anything about him that you could share with me that might aid me in tracking him down?"

"Eldritch attended Durmstrang as a youth and his last known residence was in Berlin. I can write down his last known address for you, but I am afraid that is everything that I have to offer. Eldritch and I were never close as colleagues, and he left before I became headmaster of the school."

"Thank you," Marlene sighed. She really didn't know how she was going to use such little information to find the man, but she was determined to find a way.

"May I ask what has sparked such a change in you Marlene?" Dumbledore asked curiously. "This seems like a very daunting mission that will surely take you away from your friends and school."

"I quit the training program," Marlene said flatly and without any trace of remorse. She hadn't officially informed the hospital yet; it was on her list of things to do before she would leave London.

"I am very sorry to hear that," he offered his sympathies but Marlene shook her head.

"No, don't be. It's just not the right fit for me," she elaborated. "I'm not as skilled in combat as everyone else, but I know that I am smart and I can be determined when I want to be. My skills are much more useful doing this than they are anything else; including healing."

"I've heard much about your self-doubts Marlene," he chuckled lightly. "But your skills are quite useful wherever you want them to be if only you allow yourself to believe it."

Marlene offered him a weak smile to show her appreciation of his kind words.

"There is something else I need from you," Marlene continued on.

"Please?"

"I know this is a sensitive mission and it's important that nobody else knows what I am doing," she said carefully. Even though a large part of her believed that her friends did not care about her currently, she also knew deep down that it was a lie. "They will start ask questions and they will start looking for me when they discover that I'm gone."

"Surely you intend to let them know you are helping the Order?" Dumbledore's face became veiled with a frown of confusion.

"No," Marlene said firmly. "I want to do this on my terms, Albus. And I don't want anyone to know what I'm doing or where I've gone. I am going to tell Emmeline that I've decided to do some traveling. I think that will hold off the questions for a little while until I can figure out the rest later. Can you please help me do that?"

"I will not tell a soul, Marlene," he promised. "But I do hope that you know you are cared about very much. In dark times it can be easy to forget and to become blind to what is right in front of us."

There was a part of Marlene, and only a very small part, that told her she should feel wrong about her intentions not to share with her friends what she was doing. But she couldn't sit down with Lily, still fresh with grief, and explain. Nor could she look at James and see the hatred within his eyes for her part in his mother's death, or Sirius who had broken her heart. Remus and Emmeline would only make it more difficult to go. Too weak and burdened did she appear to all of them in the past, and she didn't need or want their doubts to influence her decisions.

But it wasn't grief or guilt that was driving her; it was anger. She was angry for her constant failures, her self-doubt, and her inability to make decisions. She was angry that those she loved had suffered so much in such a short period of time. She was angry at her friends for drifting away, at Sirius for treating her like a porcelain doll that was too fragile to love. Angry at work, at Tom, at everything. But most of all, Marlene was angry at herself; that she could have been doing something about it instead of sitting on the sidelines and watching the world fall apart around her.

And anger was driving her to be the force she knew lay deep inside her.

She didn't know when she would be back, or whether she would be back at all. She knew that going off the grid was risky, but she also knew that she needed the freedom to explore herself in the process and figure out who she was without anyone other than herself.

They would never understand, and that was okay. Marlene accepted that she was making a choice that might have dire consequences, but she would not sit aside any longer without doing something to contribute her part in the war.

The Order was her life now; she would eat, sleep, and breathe her mission until the end.

A life without constant fear and doubt would be worth fighting for. It would be worth everything.

A/N: And that concludes part three A Marauder's Guide to Falling Apart. The fourth installment, A Marauder's Guide to Falling Forever will be updated shortly.

Thanks to all my readers for following along with me on this journey :)