Copyright and Author's Rambling
Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Daniel Pierce, Margaret Houlihan, Lorraine Andersen, Roy Dupree, B.J. Hunnicutt, Peg Hunnicutt, Erin Hunnicutt, Sherman Potter, Mildred Potter, Charles Winchester, Honoria Winchester, Maxwell Q. Klinger, Soon-Lee Klinger, Father Francis Mulcahy, Sidney Freedman, "Trapper" John McIntyre, Louise McIntyre, Becky McIntyre, Kathy McIntyre, Walter "Radar" O'Reilly, Patty Haven, Frank Burns, Louise Burns, Lorraine Anderson, Henry Blake, Lorraine Blake, Andrew Blake, Janie Blake, and Molly Blake belong to Larry Gelbart and/or whoever created M*A*S*H. Any children born after the war and characters you don't recognize from the show belong to moi.
The title of this story (and the following lyrics) is from the song Suicide is Painless, the theme song of M*A*S*H. The music is by Johnny Mandel and the lyrics are by Mike Altman.
The title of this chapter is from the song Sentimental Journey, composed by Les Brown. It was played in the episode "Your Hit Parade."
Through early morning fog I see,Visions of the things to be,
The pains that are withheld for me,
I realize and I can see …
That suicide is painless.
It brings on many changes.
And I can take or leave it if I please.
Chapter One: Sentimental Journey
Marty's General Store
Crabapple Cove, Maine
Saturday, September 12, 1953
Dr. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce perused the hardware section until his eyes caught the display of caulking guns. He had arrived in Crabapple Cove less than a month ago, and he was still adjusting to civilian life. A reporter who interviewed the personnel of the 4077th had asked how they were going to adjust to life back in the States. Either he or B.J. (he couldn't remember who) had replied, I was already a civilian – it's the Army I had to adjust to. All he'd seen and done during those three years served to change the Hawkeye Pierce who hugged his father goodbye at the train station. He was sure that he had changed somewhat, and he knew that his neighbors were aware of the changes, even if they couldn't understand the reasons behind his transformation. The old Hawkeye, the one who first arrived at the M.A.S.H. 4077th, was flirtatious, witty, excitable, hyper, and had a plethora of practical jokes up his sleeve. He could take any situation – no matter how serious – and turn it into something humorous. The new Hawkeye had a serious demeanor and a short fuse. At times, he felt little patience for the people and activities he had immersed himself with before the war. He holed himself in the house to avoid his neighbors' annoying curiosity. Did you kill anyone? What was it like? Were you a hero? When eight-year-old Jake Wilder referred to war as "heroic", he had to fight the urge to vomit. The worst part was when they pressed him for information about Tommy Gillis. He didn't have any desire to relive Tommy's death any more than he had to.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't Benjamin Pierce himself," a cheery voice stated behind him.
He grabbed a caulking gun and turned to face whomever had addressed him. "Last I checked," he replied, attempting to crack a smile. "Hello, Mrs. Parsons."
"What brings you into town?" the portly old woman asked.
"I need to repair a window before the weather turns colder."
"Joe Dodson was in here just last week with the exact same problem," she informed him. "Lila threatened to flush his cigarettes down the toilet if that window wasn't fixed by the time the boys started school." Judy Parsons had grown up with Hawkeye's parents. His mother had considered the woman one of her closest friends, but his father referred to her as "a lacerated boil" and "an old, gossiping witch" (among other monikers). Although Daniel Pierce and Judy Parsons were forever butting horns, the elderly doctor had to admit that he and Hawkeye would never have survived Rose Pierce's death if it weren't for "the gossiping witch's" assistance with cooking and getting Hawk ready for school in the mornings. "Have you heard from Mary Lou Abbott since you've come home?" He shook his head and contemplated ways to make his escape. "She and Bobby are divorced now. Of course, I'm not surprised, what with him cheating on her and all. The poor girl caught him red-handed. Got so mad she threw a plate …"
The door chimed, drowning out Mrs. Parsons and letting the cashier know that someone was entering the store. A young woman stepped inside, one arm wrapped around a tiny bundle. She wasn't anybody Hawkeye knew personally, although he was sure he'd passed by her on the street. She reached into the bundle and readjusted its contents.
"Stone Larson married a girl he met over in Korea," Mrs. Parsons continued. "Can you believe that?" she asked indignantly. "All the wonderful young ladies we have here in Crabapple Cove – and he has to go and run off with a gook."
Hawkeye tightened his grip around the caulking gun to restrain from striking the old woman. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't refer to Stone's wife as a 'gook,'" he responded.
"Well, what would you like me to call her?"
"How about by her given name?" he suggested harshly. "Or 'Stone's wife'?" He'd gotten used to arguing with ignorant soldiers over proper terminology and etiquette, but he hadn't planned to deal with prejudice back home. Folks pressed him for information – asking if he got to shoot any of those yellow Reds. Any time somebody described the North Koreans as animals or expressed shock at his willingness to treat the enemy, he responded by telling the person about Dr. Paik. Had the surgeon not been on the wrong side of the war, he most likely would have made a fine addition to the 4077th. "How would you like it if she referred to you as 'that fat old hag'?"
The old woman bristled at the young doctor's apparent lack of respect for his elders. "Well!" She gasped. "I never!"
Suddenly, a series of high-pitched wails pierced throughout the store. Hawkeye felt the blood drain out of his head and his heart beat dangerously fast. Black dots swam in his vision, and Marty's General Store faded into the back of a M.A.S.H. bus. He grabbed the shelf to support his trembling body.
"Benjamin? What's the matter, Benjamin?"… "Hawkeye!"… "Someone get a doctor!"
The voices sounded muffled and far away. "D-don't …don't s-s-suff …o…c-cate … that b-baby!" he begged the young woman in harsh gasps. "Don't suffocate the baby!" He felt his knees collapse from beneath him and he fell to the floor. People were milling around him, but he was barely aware of their presence. "Don't suffocate the baby," he mumbled, repeating the words like a mantra. His entire body was shaking, his hands were clammy, and his chest felt like it was going to explode. The moment the dead infant's neck rolled back over its mother's arm, he let out a bloodcurdling scream. And then everything was black.
* * *
Hunnicutt Residence
Mill Valley, California
Friday, December 25, 1953
"Ho! Ho! Ho!" B.J. Hunnicutt called out in a booming voice. "Merry Christmas." He adjusted the Santa Claus hat and squatted in front of the yellow-haired toddler. "Have you been a good little girl this year?"
Two-year-old Erin clapped her hands in delight. "I'm always good!" she answered.
B.J. planted a kiss on the top of her head. Then, he picked up one of the presents. "Here's one for Erin," he said, handing her the gift. "And one for Mommy … one for Daddy … one for Erin … one for Mommy … one for Daddy …"
Once all the presents had been distributed, the Hunnicutts proceeded to rip off the wrapping paper.
"Oh, honey, it's beautiful," Peg gushed. She pressed the flannel nightgown to her chest.
"Look, Mommy!" Erin shouted. "Santa brought me a dolly."
Peg winked at her husband. "He sure did, sweetie."
B.J. proudly held up the leisure suit his wife had given him. Not a trace of green anywhere in it, he thought. One of the first things he had done upon arrival in the States (after hugging the life out of his beloved wife and daughter) was to ban all of his green-colored clothes to the attic. He had been devoted to Peg and Erin before he was drafted (Hawkeye had once dubbed him "the family man"), but now he found himself showering affection upon his family every chance he could get and vowing to never leave again. For the first few months since his return home, he found himself suffering from insomnia. No matter how many times Peg tried to console him, he was always reminded that the war had forced him to miss important milestones in his daughter's early life – and he wasn't about to miss any more. Part of him was glad to spend his first Christmas with his child, but another part knew that he had missed the real "first" Christmas. Just like I missed her first (and second) birthdays … her first word … her first step …
Peg squeezed her husband's hand. "You're here now," she whispered. "That's all that matters."
He wanted to argue with her, wanted to say It does matter! I wasn't there for Erin, and that's a time I can never replace. Instead, he kept his mouth shut and squeezed her hand back. There was no use in voicing concerns he had aired since his first letter he had mailed home.
The telephone rang, distracting B.J. from his thoughts. He stepped into the kitchen. "Hunnicutt residence," he greeted the caller. "Santa Claus speaking."
"Silent night, holy night. All is calm, all is bright," a familiar voice sang.
"Colonel Potter!" B.J. exclaimed.
"Just plain 'Doc Potter' now, son," Potter corrected him.
"God it's good to hear from you."
"Same here. Merry Christmas, B.J."
"Merry Christmas to you, too, Col – sir – Sherman."
"Takes some time getting used to, doesn't it," Potter said.
"I can't picture you as anything other than 'Colonel Potter,'" B.J. admitted.
"I'm talking about adjusting to civilian life. How's your little girl?"
"Opening her Christmas presents as we speak. How's Mildred?"
"Mother is doing just dandy. I spoke to Radar a few minutes ago."
B.J. leaned against the counter. "How's our 'gentleman farmer' doing these days?"
"You're gonna have to add 'Daddy' to his resume."
B.J.'s mouth dropped open. "Radar – our little corporal – is going to be a father?"
Potter sighed. "The boy's grown up." Nobody could forget the night Radar called the 4077th and announced his engagement to a Miss Patricia Haven from Lancaster, Missouri. He had crossed paths with the nurse while en route to Ouijongbu from R&R in Tokyo. When his Uncle Ed passed away and he was sent Stateside, Radar initiated contact with her. They were married six months later. "Have you spoken to Pierce or Houlihan lately?"
B.J. shook his head. "Margaret's at a V.A. hospital in Arlington last I heard," he told the ex-colonel when he realized shaking his head was futile over the phone line. "I've tried calling Hawk, but I can never get through to him." He'd attempted to establish contact with his friend several times since returning home, but Hawk never wanted to talk. He suspected something was wrong, but didn't want to press the issue. He just hoped Hawkeye or his dad would have enough sense to call Sidney Freedman if it came to that. "Did you get a postcard from Klinger and Soon-Lee?" he asked, trying to change the subject.
"With a shot of Fort Dix, of course." They both laughed, remembering Klinger's wasted attempts to hide his true location from his mother. "They located Soon-Lee's mother."
"And the rest of her family?"
"No luck, but knowing Klinger's perseverance with the section eight stunts, he's not about to quit searching."
They brought each other up to date on other former members of the four-oh-double-natural. Father Mulcahy spent half of his time at the church orphanage, and the other half at the Philadelphia Academy for the Deaf. Charles Winchester was settled into his position as Chief of Thoracic Surgery at Boston Mercy and was rumored to be keeping company with the daughter of one of Boston's most elite businessmen.
Erin Hunnicutt tugged at her father's leg. "I'm hungry, Daddy," she whined.
"Gotta cook breakfast," he told the elder doctor. "Merry Christmas, sir."
"And a Merry Christmas to you and yours," Potter replied before ending the phone call.
B.J. lifted his daughter and hoisted her upon his shoulders. "Merry Christmas, angel."
* * *
Boston Mercy Hospital
Boston, Massachusetts
Sunday, February 14, 1954
Charles Emerson Winchester III sank into his office chair and yawned. As the Chief of Thoracic Surgery, he was aware that the hours would be unorthodox. At least I'm not in a horrid operating room in the middle of an uncivilized world, he reminded himself. The better part of the day had been spent observing the newest addition in action. Although Dr. John McIntyre was what he considered "an Irish rogue," a "ruffian prankster," and a notorious "Don Juan DeMarco," he had to admit that the man certainly was skilled when it came to performing surgery.
His secretary poked her head in the door. "A Camille Rutherford on the phone for you, Doctor."
"Thank you, Lucille," he acknowledged and picked up the telephone. "Dr. Charles Emerson Winchester speaking," he stated in a professional tone.
He could almost swear he could envision Camille's smirk on the other end of the line. "You forgot 'the Third'," she teased. "Why so formal?"
After Lucille closed the door, Charles was able to relax. "Force of habit," he explained. "It's a breach of protocol to air your romantic feelings in the middle of a professional atmosphere," he added.
He had known Camille since they were children. Charles Emerson Winchester II and Quentin Garrett Rutherford were friends and business partners; they sent their offspring to the same private academies and anticipated a union between the two families in order to carry on the Winchester and Rutherford legacies – mainly, one between Charles and Camille. He didn't have anything against Camille Fanshaw Rutherford, but he felt that the only reason he was keeping company with the lady was to please his father. It was obvious that she, too, was simply complying with her own father's wishes by seeing him. She had knowledge and a love of art, music, theater, literature, and all the other cultural classics so important to Charles. The names "Rutherford" and "Winchester" were frequent topics of conversation amongst the Boston elite. Camille didn't see Charles as pompous; they shared similar political and societal opinions.
Before the war, the perfect evening consisted of dinner at their favorite French restaurant, followed by a performance of the Boston Symphony. Conversations revolved around reviews of the evening's symphony, name-dropping, and whether or not so-and-so's name would appear in the Society Page of the Boston Globe.
His time in Korea had caused an inner transformation to occur. When the war ended, Charles had one simple request for his family – no music. Though they couldn't understand why, they obliged and kept the music off whenever he was within earshot. Listening to his Victrola had been the only thread linking him to sanity – his only escape from the wretched war. But the tragic incident with the Chinese musicians had changed all that. Now, he couldn't even hear one chord without seeing the musicians' faces. And their faces always meshed into the one musician's blown-apart chest. Camille hadn't been as receptive of his request; she couldn't fathom why he would shun something he'd been passionate about all his life.
"What would you like to do for Valentine's Day?" she asked.
"Is that today?" he asked. "I nearly forgot! You'll have to pardon me, we've been quite busy here today," he added.
"I can imagine," she laughed. "What time does your shift end?"
He smiled at the sound of her laughter. "I'm the one who designates the shifts in this department," he replied haughtily. He lowered his voice. "Does eight o'clock sound good to you?" I'll take her to – I'll have Pierre set up a romantic, exquisite candlelit dinner.
"Better make that eight-thirty," Camille said.
Lucille knocked on the door. "Pardon me, doctor," she apologized. "Dr. McIntyre …"
"Tell him I'll see him in five minutes," Charles told his secretary. She nodded and exited the room. "Why eight-thirty?" he asked Camille.
"A woman needs all the time she can get to freshen up," Camille told him. "And besides – you need time to get ready, too. Maybe do some of that last minute Valentine's Day shopping."
"Eight-thirty it is, then," Charles agreed. "Why don't I have Stanley drive…" The sudden and violent opening of his office door interrupted him. "McIntyre, you cretin!" he growled at the intruder. "Don't you ruffians know how to even knock?"
"Winchester, we need to talk," McIntyre said matter-of-factly.
"I'm in the middle of a phone call!" Charles roared. "What gives you the gall to enter a room uninvited?"
Lucille poked her head in. "I'm – I'm sorry, sir," she stammered. "He – he …"
Charles waved her away. "It's quite alright, Lucille," he assured the young woman while sending daggers McIntyre's way.
"I can walk," Camille broke in. "Stanley doesn't have to go through all that trouble."
He had completely forgotten about the woman on the other end of the phone. "There's no need for you to walk," he told her. "I must be going now. I have some unwanted company to tend to at the moment." He spat out the word "unwanted".
Dr. John McIntyre hovered over Dr. Winchester's desk with his arms crossed over his chest, waiting impatiently for the other surgeon to end his phone call. "Finally!" he announced loudly when Charles slammed down the receiver. "We need to order twelve more cases of morphine," he said before Charles could berate him for the interruption.
"Was it necessary to tell me that now?" Charles asked. "Or could it have waited until I was finished with my telephone call?"
"You see, I couldn't decide between asking you now or next year," the tall, curly-haired doctor answered in a sarcastic tone. "Now seemed as good a time as any."
Charles groaned in exasperation. This man is unruly, undisciplined, and simply obnoxious – just like Pierce. He tried to picture what the two imps would be like if they ever had the chance to meet. The thought sent a chill down his spine.