Shepard had once read that the key to feeling sexy was wearing the right clothes. She had come across the article quite by accident; a ridiculous side-story on a news feed she had been reading. At the time she had felt more amused than informed by the reading. Why on Earth would wearing lacy undergarments underneath your everyday work clothes make you feel more attractive? Shepard had tried wearing the silken things before and found them more bothersome than anything. Her active lifestyle just didn't allow for underwear that slipped and slid and rode up beneath her pants. That phase had been very short lived.

Although she found it a tad difficult at times, Shepard would concede when she knew she had made a rash judgment. Where the lingerie had failed at making her feel like some ravishing sex goddess, the dress Kasumi had provided her put a strut in her step and a sway in her hips. She appreciated that the dress was not long and flowing, not frilly and gaudy. It was very basic and still very attractive, hugging on her in all the right places without being uncomfortable. It was straight to the point and got the job done: a dress perfect for Commander Shepard.

The point was she looked and felt damn good, something she had never experienced in formal wear (except her blues, if those counted). It was this burst of sensual confidence that sent her sauntering to the cockpit. If anyone could properly appreciate something like this it was Joker. The helmsman was probably the most outspoken when admiring the fairer sex, so she couldn't wait to surprise him with this unusual getup. She bet that it would be priceless. The rest of the crew acted far too professional to even glance waywardly at her as she passed them. That was fine, though. It wasn't as though she had been subtly hinting attraction at them for months now.

Joker didn't initially turn around when she walked up, the tapping of her heels a change from the sound of her boots. Instead, he continued tapping away at the console.

"I already told you, Miss Lawson. I am not shaving my beard," he said, not bothering to hide his agitation. Shepard muffled a laugh and crossed her arms as she watched the chair rotate to face her. The pilot blinked once upon seeing her there rather than Miranda, though that didn't stop him from trying to look behind her for the woman. "Hey,Commander," he said, sounding a little more welcoming now. "How did things go with Kasumi?"

"Just fine. I got to take out a gunship," she offered.

"Not like that's hard for you," Joker replied. "Let me guess, you used your bare hands?" Shepard found his teasing tone endearing as usual, but she wondered vaguely why he hadn't so much as gave her a once-over yet. Oddly enough, Joker's eyes were planted firmly on his Commander's in perfect, respectful eye contact.

"Not so much, just the usual fare...," she said, and then added, "...Luckily I got my armor back by then. I don't know that I could have done it in these heels." That forced Joker to glance down at her feet, though his eyes returned straight to her face as he nodded.

"I'm sure you would have managed," he smiled. "Probably could have used them as a weapon. Heels hurt like a bitch when you're on the receiving end of one."

Shepard forgot her frustration, if only for a moment, to cock a brow at him.

"It wasn't my fault. I got caught in the middle of a lovers' spat. Girl was pretty sweet, though. She felt so bad about damn near fracturing my skull that she bought me lunch."

"Right, well," Shepard shifted to lean on one leg, tilting her hip to the side as she placed a hand on it. Perhaps her militaristic posture was throwing him off, making him feel the need to be a little too formal with her. Then again, when had he ever had that problem? "I won't be wearing them often enough to do that. It's just nice to try something new every now and again." Her free hand reached up to brush her hair behind her ear. She was starting to feel like a bit of an idiot posing there for him. At the very least he seemed to be catching on as she watched his eyes squint and head tilt.

"Did you do something with your hair?"

Shepard suddenly felt compelled to grab the pilot and shake him violently if it weren't for the obvious reasons why that might be a bad idea. He had to be toying with her, right? The same man who she had caught listening to porn in the cockpit not a week ago couldn't be immune to his Commander in a skin-tight dress! Suddenly, a little pit of fear settled into her stomach. It wasn't possible, was it? They had a friendly enough relationship and Joker always seemed to be at ease around her but it wasn't possible she had been...BRO-ZONED! Desperate, Shepard managed to keep her cool and decided not to jump to conclusions. There was still one thing she could try, and it would tell her whether or not her attraction to the helmsman was on the course for certain one-sided doom.

Not entirely believing she was stooping to age old tricks such as these, Shepard bent over and made like she was adjusting her shoe. She made it a point so pause like this long enough to give him a good look at her rarely exposed cleavage. Rising back to her full height she could barely contain the smirk fully expecting to have finally hooked his attention.

"Damnit, EDI. I told you not to rearrange my data logs! I put them that way for a reason!" Shepard blanched at the sight of the back of Joker's chair. The color quickly rushed back to her face as she felt a swell of rage. Joker jumped when he heard a yell and felt something smack into the back of his seat, turning enough to see the solitary heel clatter to the floor. Shepard was already hobbling away from the cockpit with the one heel on her foot lopsiding her march.

"Someone's got her panties in a wad..." he said, swiveling the chair back to face the console.

"Shepard's behavior is not likely to be the result of misaligned underclothes, Jeff. Military issue garments are designed to prevent such discomfort. It is most probable that you are the cause of her outburst," EDI noted.

"Me? I didn't do anything," he replied, raising a brow at the accusation. "Wait... You know what kind of underwear she wears?"

"That is exactly it, Mr. Moreau. Your lack of action is what the Commander found undesirable."

"You lost me." EDI was silent a moment.

"Perhaps there was something different about Shepard that she had hoped you would notice." When he continued to stare at her sphere, she added, "Like her unusual choice of clothing."

"What? That glove of a dress she had on?" Joker concluded, giving a dismissive chuckle as he continued putting his files back where he wanted them. "Like I'm going to gawk and make lewd comments at the woman who headbutts Krogan. My bones wouldn't stand a chance."

"It may be that the Commander would have responded more favorably than you suspect."

"It's not nice to tease people, EDI. Shepard has her pick of guys throwing themselves at her, likely to triple when she becomes the savior of the universe after defeating the Reapers. I'm her pilot, for god's sake, not the guy watching her back in the field."

"You should not downplay your role in things, Jeff. You have given Shepard and her team a means of escape out of numerous otherwise fatal situations."

"Oh, don't get me wrong. I know I'm totally kick-ass at what I do, but you'll have to forgive me if I don't dive head-first into the delusion that she's got googoo eyes for me."

"You are experiencing a feeling of inadequacy," EDI stated. Joker shifted in the chair and focused on the screen a little harder.

"Can I get a little quiet-time, please? I'm still trying to make sense out of what you did here," he muttered. Much to his relief, the AI granted him the peace he asked for. For something that was supposed to be ultimately logical, she sure got a lot of ridiculous ideas planted in her program. Did he find his Commander attractive? Of course. She put every action-hero he had ever idolized in his childhood to shame, accomplishing things people would talk about for ages. Treating him as an equal had won him over on day one, and he enjoyed that their relationship was more friendly than military. But she was Commander Shepard, and she had more interesting prospects than a pilot who was stuck in his cockpit all day.

"I think you're being rash. Joker is a very reserved man when it comes to opening up, but I wouldn't say he has no interest in women. It may be that he is intimidated by you. Perhaps if you act a little more vulnerable and feminine around him-"

"Kelly, I appreciate all the advice and reassurances and everything. Truly. But could you do me a huge favor?"

"What's that, Commander?"

"Shut up and go away."

The redheaded yeoman pursed her lips as if she made to protest, but Shepard's heavy stare told her that her superior was not going to ask again. She sighed in defeat, certain she could assist the Commander through this trial if she would just open up. Some were tougher to crack than others and Kelly took Shepard's blunt remark in stride, attributing it to her already sour mood.

"Yes, ma'am," she replied dutifully and rose from her seat at the mess hall table to return to her post. As Shepard took another hefty bite of her sandwich filled to the brim with every fixing and condiment available, she almost felt a little bad for taking things out on the yeoman. But truth be told, the girl was a busybody and had a bad habit of throwing her opinions and psychoanalysis right where it wasn't wanted. Granted, Shepard had a similar problem except that 'opinions' and 'psychoanalysis' were replaced roughly with ' fists' and 'gun'.

Be more vulnerable and feminine, she says. I was practically stripped down to my unmentionables right in front of him and I got nothing.Shepard swiped up her drink and chugged some to help clear an overly-ambitious bite of her lunch. Some women turned to romance films and ice cream when they had suffered rejection and loss – Shepard promptly made a complete slob of herself to emphasize the fact that she really didn't give a shit about anything, if only to prove it to herself. She wiped some mayonnaise and mustard from her mouth and licked her fingertips clean, not bothering to hide the noise the gestures made as she continued to drown herself in roast beef and salami.

"I'll have what she's having." Shepard stopped chewing with her cheeks stuffed as she heard the voice. Why? Why, oh why? He hardly ever left his chair to fucking pee much less take a lunch break! What made today special? Did the forces that be think it would be hilarious timing?

"I hohpe yur fuggin happy," she snarled out around the mouthful as she raised her eyes accusingly upward. The powers responded by taking the opportunity to twist the knife, because suddenly he was there at her table. He didn't even have the courtesy to ask if the seat was taken, but rather settled down right in front of her with the very same stacked lunch she had ordered.

"I'll give it to you, Commander," Joker chuckled as he set the plate down. "You know how to make a meal look good."

"What?" she muffled out, hunching down a little further over her meal and looking only a few features short of a bridge troll with bits of lettuce and bread sticking out of her full mouth.

"Well, it's gotta be good if you're wolfing it down like that, right?" he said, gesturing to her before taking up his own sandwich. Shepard's jaw began to slowly move similar to a cow chewing grass, though her eyes narrowed in a more feline manner. "You've got a head start on me, but I bet I can finish mine before you. Loser buys drinks and lap dances!" His smile and sing-song tone was meant to be playfully challenging, but Shepard's hands slammed on the table so hard it quickly changed to one of surprise. "Or not." Maybe she wasn't the competitive type, though that was hard to believe.

"I'm done eating...," she droned and rose to her feet with plate and all in hand. He watched her march toward Gardner's counter and unceremoniously drop the dishes into the sink before heading for the elevator. Joker sat in confusion, wondering what the hell that was all about. His thoughts drifted back to what EDI had said earlier and he set the sandwich down, resting his head in a hand. Did Shepard really expect him to start spouting tired one-liners and compliments? That didn't sound like Shepard! He had come to the mess in hopes of talking to her to see if there may have been something to EDI's observations, but she hardly seemed smitten. Too much to hope for, he supposed.

Joker settled smugly, though not without a small sense of disappointment, in the fact that he had been right. He planned to parade the fact in front of EDI as soon as he finished eating and got back to the cockpit. When he actually returned, however, the thought had completely escaped him and was replaced by thoughts of none other than Commander Shepard. Even though she had been less than friendly he found himself amused at her ravenous appetite. He could appreciate a woman who wasn't afraid to properly enjoy her meal unhindered by the frivolities of dainty lady-manners that made it hard to gauge whether or not she actually liked her food. Part of him still wondered who would have won their race had she taken him up on the offer.

"Jeff," EDI's holo chimed in through his daydreaming. His eyes snapped back to the console, but found nothing unusual so he leaned back into his chair.

"What?" he asked, clearing his throat when the word came out a little bit strained. He promptly shuffled the thought of Shepard licking the sauce from her lips away.

"I could not help but notice your unusual change in behavior."

"What change?" he scoffed.

"You have been silent for the past thirty-four minutes and six seconds."

"So? I can be quiet, can't I?"

"According to my records...no."

"You got a point or can I do my job in peace?"

"I have concluded that your meeting with Shepard did not go as desired."

"It went fine, EDI," he said, emphasizing her name with pointed agitation. "Exactly how I expected, in fact."

"That's not true, Joker!" The pilot jolted where he sat and whipped his head around looking for the owner of the third voice. He startled again and planted his face into his palm when Kelly peeked out from one side of his chair.

"Damnit, Chambers, could ya walk a little heavier?" He then mumbled, "I told Shepard I needed a mirror..."

"I'm really sorry to have scared you, Joker. I just didn't want to interrupt your conversation with EDI," she soothed and moved to stand beside him now.

"There was no conversation and you didn't scare me," he defended, suddenly becoming very focused on his work at hand.

"Joker, you have to understand that this is all a huge misunderstanding. Shepard wants to be closer to you, but she just doesn't know how to go about it." Joker leaned away from her with slightly disturbed look. "You just need to let her know that you notice her."

"As I said, Jeff," EDI reinforced.

"Just tell her how you feel."

"A direct approach may be the best option in this situation."

"Okay, ladies! That's enough insanity for one night!" Joker interrupted, slapping his hands together so hard they tingled. "I'm going to go to bed." As he shuffled out of his chair and up onto his feet, he cursed his bones for not allowing him to get out of this nightmare fast enough. He ignored Kelly's deliberate pout and whatever it was EDI might be doing as he turned his back to them and limped into the hallway.

"It's not healthy to run away from your problems, Joker!" Kelly called. "I'm here for you!" Joker didn't acknowledge whether or not he heard her, though she thought she saw him stumble a little as he hurried away from the cockpit. She pressed a finger to her lips and shook her head solemnly. "So sad..."

"There is no need for distress, Miss Chambers," EDI spoke up. "Mr. Moreau is very independent by nature, but like most humans he is also very impressionable. It is likely this situation will resolve itself."

"I understand your logic, but how so?

"The fact that Jeff departed the cockpit to seek out the Commander on his own terms suggests that he has become open to the idea of mutual interest. Commander Shepard may have been momentarily deterred, but her history suggests that she will not submit to defeat easily."

"So Shepard is likely to confront him again, and since Mr. Moreau is more susceptible to the idea now, things should go much smoother," Kelly concluded.

"Given that their personalities do have erratic qualities, smooth may not be the correct term, but an amicable resolution is probable."

"That's great news! I didn't know you were programmed to hold an interest in emotional development, EDI."

"My involvement is far more simple than that, Miss Chambers."

"How so?"

"I ship it."