Author's Note: Based on the "Pickup Artist Quinn" gifs by live-it-out Tumblr. This is kind of crack-fic =D

It was like being knocked in the head. Only a lot more pleasant. And it wasn't painful.

The duet with Rachel was like a wake-up call for Quinn. Rachel really was pretty. Like, really pretty. Beautiful, in fact. She made these cute faces that just couldn't be ignored and when she threw her everything into song it was just...gorgeous. She was gorgeous. And Quinn most definitely had a crush on her.

Quinn Fabray most always got what she wanted. The problem with getting Rachel Berry, though, was that Rachel wasn't going to come quietly. Or at all unless Quinn played her cards right. Step 1? Break up with Finn. That was easy. Quinn cornered him in the hallway and quietly set him free, much to his shock. It didn't hurt which was another reason on the long list of reasons why Quinn knew Finn just...wasn't right for her.

Step 2? Woo Rachel. And who better to ask for advice on wooing than the man that wooed Quinn herself? And got Lauren Zises, the most stubborn and resistant girl ever, to swoon over him? Despite his moronic tendencies, he was kind of good at that thing. And Quinn's only hope because he's the only one that wouldn't let her secret slip.

Puck.

Quinn knew that Puck hung out on Saturday nights at the Stop-n-Go waiting for someone to buy him beer and, in her mind, it was the perfect place to a) not be seen and b) pick up a bag of Gummy Bears. Because those are just delicious.

"Puck!"

"I swear I'm twenty-one!"

Quinn shook her head and emerged from around the side of the Stop-n-Go, grabbing the back of Puck's jacket just as he started to take off. Puck turned around and grinned, dusted his jacket off, and resumed his position leaning against the brick building.

"'Sup, Baby Mama?"

Quinn only rolled her eyes and glanced around for any eyewitnesses before taking a deep breath.

"I need your help. In the love department."

"I'd love to, Q, but you know I'm taken."

"Not that, you pervert. I need help...wooing someone."

Puck's eyes lit up and he straightened his posture a little. "Step in to my office," he chuckled then offered his arm out to Quinn.

Quinn reluctantly took it and allowed herself to be led to a picnic table on the other side of the building, the wood scratched and worn, and took a seat; Puck hopped up on the table and pulled a pocket knife out and began poking at the wood.

"How can the Love Master help you?"

"I like someone. But I don't think they even care I exist."

"And who might this someone be? Mike Chang? Wheels? Or are your sights set a little older?" Puck winked and Quinn gagged.

"No. It's...You have to swear to me right now you won't say anything."

"I swear on my johnny." Puck grabbed his crotch and grinned. Quinn gagged again.

"It's...Berry."

"No way! I totally knew it!"

"Shut up."

"She's a good kisser."

"Good to know. Now how do I get her?"

"You gotta be a smooth talker with Berry," Puck said, throwing his knife at the table, "she likes words and stuff."

"So, like, pick-up lines?"

"Exactly. Like I said, she totally loves words."

"Then what?"

"Then just use your instincts. Once you've got her hooked it's easy."

"Right. Well...thanks." Quinn stood and nodded a few times, awkward silence hanging before Puck shrugged and jumped off the table, pocketing his knife.

"If you know someone that'll buy me beer just send 'em my way."

"Sure. Later, Puck."

"Good luck, Q."

As soon as Quinn got home she pulled out her laptop and got to Googleing.

pick up lines

Quinn scrolled through the pages and pages of results and selected one at random. She read through the suggestions and giggled at a few, thinking that those could surely be winners. I mean, they were funny and Rachel liked funny things, right? Who didn't like humor? Quinn hit 'Print' and checked her e-mail, MySpace, and Facebook before heading to bed. She figured the more she slept that weekend, the faster Monday would get to her.

Monday
Quinn nervously strolled through the halls of McKinley, seeking out her target. She rounded the corner next to the choir room and heard the telltale sign that her life was soon going to change. Rachel was warming up. It was now or never.

Quinn strolled into the choir room; Rachel abruptly stopped singing as soon as their eyes met.

"Hey Rachel?"

"Yes, Quinn?"

Quinn mentally scrolled through the lines she'd read over and over that weekend and smiled a little.

"Are you a pirate?"

Rachel tilted her head and arched her eyebrow curiously. "What? No, why?"

It took all Quinn had not to giggle. "'Cause I want yer booty."

The silence was deafening aside from a small squeak from Rachel whose expression very clearly said, "What the fuck was that?". There was no laughter or, "That's clever, Quinn! Let's go do it!" Just silence. Very, very awkward silence. Quinn tried to smile; Rachel just stayed the way she was for the longest thirty seconds of Quinn's life until the bell rang, making both of them jump.

Quinn could only sprint out of the room, humiliated and angry at herself for using that for her opening line. But Quinn Fabray was resilient. She wasn't giving up.

Tuesday
Over the 24 hours that Quinn had to stew in her humiliation, she went over and over her list of pickup lines to find the perfect one. It had to be more...Quinn. And less embarrassment. Somewhere around one in the morning, she found it. Maybe it was because she was really tired or maybe it was because she was just deliriously lusting after Rachel but whatever it was, it guided her to the perfect line to woo Rachel.

Tuesday morning, Quinn scoured the halls until she found Rachel going through her locker. Quinn gave herself a little pep talk (you're a Fabray, you don't give up) and bounced up to Rachel with a grin.

"Hey Rachel?"

Rachel turned slowly, eyebrows furrowed, until she faced Quinn. Her books were clutched to her chest and she warily answered, "Yes, Quinn?"

"Are you Jamaican?"

"No...why?"

Quinn grinned. She was absolutely sure she had this one in the bag. "'Cause Jamaican me crazy."

Rachel's mouth opened but nothing came out. All Quinn got was the same look from the day before. And humiliation settled in her chest once again as, this time, Quinn walked away before anything broke the pair apart.

"Damn," Quinn muttered. "Fabrays don't give up."

Wednesday, Before Lunch
Somewhere around midnight, Quinn figured out her problem. She needed to compliment Rachel. She needed to let Rachel know that the brunette was attractive. She had several assets to be proud of and Quinn figured that if she let Rachel know that she was aesthetically pleasing, Rachel would fall head-over-heels. Quinn scoured her sheets of pick-up lines and found one that she could definitely use.

It was on the stairs that Quinn caught Rachel that morning. Sadly, Rachel hadn't been in her locker in the morning or between any class periods. She was like a ghost or something. Quinn quickly caught up to the brunette and tapped Rachel on the back. Rachel turned, Quinn grinned.

"Hey Rachel?"

Rachel sighed. "Yes, Quinn?"

"Are you wearing space pants?"

"No...why?"

"Because your ass is out of this world!"

Quinn sat alone in the lunch room, staring at her tray, trying to figure out where she went wrong. Maybe it was that Rachel was wearing a skirt. I mean, it was kind of obvious. She wasn't sure what could cause Rachel to just storm off like that, though. Quinn had complimented her. It was definitely at least one of the nicer things she'd said.

"'Sup Preggo?" Santana dropped down next to Quinn with her lunch.

"I'm not pregnant anymore."

"I know. I just like being a bitch."

"Yeah."

Quinn felt Santana jump away a little at the lack of snark in her response. She only sighed, the will to fire back non-existent as she tried to figure out her next course of action.

"Are you sick or something? You usually try and fail to wipe the floor with me. You get mono again?"

"I'm thinking. Can you please just leave me alone?"

"Don't hurt yourself."

"Can you just shut up and try not to be a bitch?"

Quinn jumped a little when a hand clapped her on the shoulder and Santana chuckled.

"Look, Q, I know we fight a lot or whatever because I'm a lot hotter than you but you know I'm like, around if you need me."

"Why should I trust you? You'd stab me in the back in a heartbeat."

"Uh, not true. Who kept the secret about your bun in the oven?"

"You dropped the bomb about Finn and me."

"Yeah, and how well did that work out in the end? You dumped him. And he's been walking around like a sad puppy practically stalking Berry and begging for forgiveness."

Quinn's attention was grabbed at the mention of Rachel and Finn's stalking. She groaned at the thought of Finn beating her to Rachel's heart. She had to step up her game.

"I need your help," Quinn sighed, placing her trust in her on-again off-again nemesis/friend.

"What's up?"

Wednesday, Immediately After School
"This is stupid, Santana."

"Trust me, Puck said it kills with the girls at Jane Addams."

Quinn shrugged and slipped her aviators on; Santana did the same as they walked through the halls toward the auditorium. They were looking so hard that they failed to notice a short brunette headed right for them until Jacob Ben Israel called out that he would be more than willing to father Rachel's children. Quinn and Santana stopped in their tracks, Rachel froze.

"Hey, Rachel?" Quinn said with a smile.

"Hello Quinn," Rachel sighed. "And Santana."

"We're from the FBI," Santana said.

Rachel's jaw dropped a little and she raised her eyebrows. "What?"

Both Quinn and Santana slipped on police hats that Santana had mysteriously appeared with before they headed down the hallway.

"Fine Body Investigators," Quinn said. She smirked and followed up with what Santana had assured her was the clincher. "Assume the position."

Wednesday, A Few Hours After School
"I can't believe that one didn't work," Puck growled.

Quinn and Santana were icing their shoulders thanks to Rachel rolling her eyes, growling, and shouldering her way between the pair to get to the auditorium. Quinn had thrown the police hat and aviators up against the wall before storming off with Santana on her heels.

"How many times do I have to get shot down before this works?" Quinn groaned. She fell back on her bed and tossed the ice pack to the floor, frustrated.

"I usually get it on the first try."

"Not helping, Puck!"

"We need to try something else. You need to be like...nice or whatever."

"Yeah, try being sweet instead of smooth or something."

"Jesus!" Quinn fell off the bed at the sound of Brittany's voice coming from her bedroom window. The blonde had appeared out of nowhere and climbed through the open window, straight into Santana's open arms.

Puck scratched his mohawk as he peered out the window. "Dude, how the hell did you climb that? There's no trees out there."

"I got bit by a spider when I was eight. I think I'm like Spider-Woman."

Quinn crawled back up on her bed, nudging Santana in the ribs to get her lips away from Brittany's for five seconds and back to the task at hand.

"How did you know about this?" Quinn asked Brittany as the taller blonde rolled into the middle of the bed.

"Rachel told me. I totally blanked out after like a minute because I couldn't remember if I fed my cat but she said you were stalking her or something. Why would you hurt her like that?"

"Do you even know what stalking is, Brittany?"

"It's when you hit people with corn stalks."

"Look," Santana interjected, "who cares how she knows. She has a point. Try being like all sappy and shit. Let me see that list."

Quinn handed over the pick-up lines to let Santana and Brittany go to work.

Thursday, Before School
"I can't do this."

"Sure you can. What are you doing?"

"I'm with Britt, you can do this."

"Right. Okay. I'll let you know how it goes."

Quinn turned and began searching the hallways for the object of her affection. When she finally spotted Rachel, Rachel also spotted her. Rachel took off in a sprint, Quinn followed her into the girls' bathroom where Rachel stood with an exasperated look on her face.

"Hey Rachel."

Rachel whimpered. "Hello, Quinn."

"Will you touch me?"

"What? Why?"

"So I can say I've been touched by an angel."

The response was...well, it was awesome in Quinn's book. Rachel half smiled and chuckled before shaking her head and simply walking out of the bathroom. It was a small victory, Quinn thought, but it was a good one.

Thursday, After School
"Alright, I need another sappy line," Quinn said, storming in to Santana's bedroom.

Santana and Brittany both quickly covered up and Santana growled. Quinn barely noticed.

"She took the angel line, I need something more."

"Look Q, I'm happy to help you win over the smurf because you'll either kill each other or knock each other down a few pegs. Whatever. But if you don't get the fuck out of my room so Britts and I can get our sexy on, I will cut you."

"Come on! Just one line!"

"Get. Out."

On her way up the stairs of Santana's house, Quinn pulled out a phone and shot a quick text to Puck.

She took the line. Need a new 1.

The response made her nod and grin. Perfect.

Friday, Mid-Morning
To say that Quinn was giddy would be an understatement. She hadn't had time to get to Rachel before school but the brunette had smiled at her and that was all the fuel Quinn needed to hunt her down in between second and third period. Rachel took an uncharacteristic turn into the A/V room and Quinn, ever the eager one, followed.

"Hey Rachel..."

"Hello Quinn."

"Are you African?"

Rachel didn't look exasperated but rather a little amused. "No, why?"

"Because African love you."

Rachel giggled a little and shook her head. Quinn was ready to open her mouth to try to speak further but loud beeps from the speaker, signalling a fire alarm, made Quinn cover her ears and then motion to Rachel to get out of the classroom and to the nearest exit. She kept track of the brunette in getting out of the school but after that, Rachel was lost to the crowd. Quinn, knowing Rachel was safe, sought out Puck since his was the only head she recognized in the crowd.

"I think I've got her," Quinn squealed. "She's totally going for it."

"Sweet, whatever. Look, party at my place tonight."

"I don't-"

"Rachel will be there."

"What time?"

Friday, After Dark
Quinn stumbled through Puck's living room, drink of whatever people kept pouring into her cup in hand, to find Rachel. She had a hundred amazing lines running through her head and she was determined to use them. Tonight, she would win Rachel for good. The fact that Quinn was incredibly drunk wasn't a concern for her.

"Hi Rachel!" Quinn found Rachel sitting in the Puckerman's dining room, Quinn dropped to the seat across from her.

"Hello, Quinn."

"Is that a keg in your pants?"

Rachel's jaw dropped in disbelief, Quinn took that as a good sign. Rachel was shocked at Quinn's awesomeness, definitely.

"What? No...why?"

"'Cause I'd like to tap that ass."

Rachel scoffed and crossed her arms and before Quinn could argue that the line she'd just use was absolute genius she felt herself being pulled up and back to the party by Puck who insisted that the Cheerio trio "show off some sweet moves". Quinn obliged, dancing with Santana and Brittany until the latter pair of the trio decided it would be hotter to make out instead. Quinn stumbled away to once again go find Rachel to continue the wooing process.

Quinn found Rachel upstairs leaning against the wall just outside the bathroom.

"Hi Rachel!"

"Hello, Quinn."

Quinn giggled at herself and her brilliance because, really, who wouldn't go for this one?

"Are you a Pokemon?"

Rachel arched her eyebrow and asked, voice and face showing complete lack of interest. "No...why?"

"'Cause I'd really like to Pikachu."

Quinn couldn't understand why Rachel had suddenly retreated to the bathroom and slammed the door in her face. Pokemon is awesome, why would anyone shut that down? She stumbled down the stairs and dropped on to a lawn chair that Puck had set up in his living room, letting the loud music drown out her thoughts. When Rachel walked down the staircase and locked eyes with Quinn, the blonde knew she had to try just one more time. So, with all the courage she could muster, she tried for a last resort.

"Hey Rachel," Quinn called out.

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Hello, Quinn."

"You remind me of a can of Pringles..."

Rachel paused and shook her head. "Why?"

"Once you pop, the fun don't stop!"

It took Puck, Finn, and Mike to get Puck's bedroom door open to get Quinn out and Santana and Brittany to practically carry her down the stairs after she locked herself in there to cry alone. Rachel had stomped her foot and yelled something that Quinn couldn't hear before heading to the front door. Someone else at the party had stopped Quinn and asked her why Rachel had yelled for Quinn to "discontinue speaking" to her.

Everything after getting dropped into Santana's back seat was black.

Saturday, Afternoon
Quinn awoke with a throbbing headache and something warm next to her. Brittany was curled up to her side snoring softly, Santana spooning behind her. Quinn quietly extracted herself from Brittany's grip to head to the bathroom. She practically stuck her head under the faucet to drink, her mouth felt like it was filled with cotton. Her stomach churned but she held it in, knowing she'd probably lost most of her alcohol the night before if the knee prints on the rug in front of her toilet were any indication. Throwing up just wasn't something she was prepared to do while sober. She did plenty of it when pregnant.

"Oh good, you're alive," Santana rasped from the bathroom door. "How much did you drink last night, Q?"

"I don't know."

"You threw up for like...an hour. Britt and I took turns making sure you didn't choke. Then we did it in your bed while you slept."

"You guys are disgusting."

"It's not the first time we've done it."

Quinn only shook her head. "I think I screwed things up with Rachel."

"Yeah, no shit. Why did you try to talk to her while you were trashed, dumbass? We all know you don't make the best choices when you're shitfaced."

"Shut up."

"Look, the pick-up lines let her know you're interested. Now you should, like, talk to her or something. Talk about feelings or some shit."

"Feelings?"

"Yeah. I figured out that feelings and sappy love stuff actually matter. Shocker, right?"

"I'll go talk to her tonight, I guess."

"Do us all a favor and shower first."

"Shut up Lopez."

"You love me."

"Whatever."

Saturday, After Dark
Quinn nervously wrung her hands as she reached for the Berry doorbell. As expected, Rachel answered looking frustrated.

"Hey, Rachel."

"Hello, Quinn."

"Can -"

"While I admit I was a little shocked at first with your advancements and I suspected that a cruel joke was behind them all, the two before Noah's party were rather sweet. And once Brittany informed me that you were simply trying to woo me, I chose to let you. And I might have considered reciprocating what I believed your feelings to be. However, your behavior, language, and downright deplorable comments about 'popping' and 'tapping' were uncalled for and rude. So please stop this and go home."

Quinn shook her head and didn't hold back the tear that dropped down her cheek.

"No more lines, Rachel. Just me."

"Alright then. Speak."

"I was drunk. Really, really drunk. I don't even remember most of what happened except that I said some really, really stupid things. I'm so sorry. No more games, no more lines. Just me. Just you and me. Please give me a chance."

"Who put you up to such a thing, Quinn? Why couldn't you simply talk to me or shower me with lavish gifts?"

"Puck said-"

"I should've known that Noah was behind this. And Santana was an accomplice, I suspect."

Quinn nodded.

"No more lines?"

"No more."

"Well," Rachel said, a small smile, "then I believe I could perhaps give you another chance."

Quinn bounced a few times and stepped across the threshold when Rachel gestured inside. Step 2? Complete.

One Year Later
"Hi Rachel."

"Hello Quinn."

"I pity any girl who isn't me tonight."

"Oh? Why?"

"Because tonight I'm having sex with Rachel Berry."

"Quinn!"