A New Hopelessness

Sakura woke up slowly and woozily. The effort to figure out just what was going on seemed far too difficult for her to bear. The forceful pounding in her head made it hard to focus and the constant bouncing wasn't doing anything for her concentration, either.

She scanned her memory for any indication of how she ended up sailing through the forest. Her last coherent memory was of being at the Bent Kunai with Ino, getting well and truly plastered and moaning about how all the good men were either taken, gay or S-class criminals.

Worse, they were often all three.

Managing to crack one eye open a sliver, she assessed what she could of her current predicament. Her world view indicated that she was probably slung over a powerful shoulder, unless trees were suddenly growing upside down.

Looking further down, she spotted what appeared to be a red patch on the black cloak that swayed past her dangling fingertips. A little anatomical math meant that her face was just above butt level on her current mode of transportation.

"Damn," she thought. "It sort of looks like I've been captured by the Akatsuki. Again."

Just as she was about to make inquiries regarding the situation, she realized that her surroundings were no longer forest and fresh air. Shortly after this realization, she was swung down from her perch & tossed on to a rather lumpy sofa.

Now she could see her captors properly. It was the Uchiha murderer and his big blue partner. They did seem to get pegged for kidnapping her regularly.

Staring wearily at the pair, she shrugged and asked, "So, do I get the same room as always?"

Itachi just stared silently, sharingan engaged and slowly spinning. Kisame answered her civilly in the affirmative. Tossing her a bundle of cloth and grinning with as many pointy teeth as he could manage, he replied, "You know the drill, Pinky."

"Yeah, yeah. I wear the cloak at all times that I'm not in my room. I heal the Uchiha's eyes. I spar and flirt with every single member who pops into this totally rockin' cave you live in. You try to recruit me, I finally break down, tell you I care for you all but I can't do that to the village and people I love. Then bright eyes here knocks me out with a happy little mangekyo and I wake up tucked into my own bed back in Konoha."

"You've got it, kitten. Do you need something to settle that hangover or do you feel up to a little light flirting before supper?" Kisame added more teeth to his smile. After all, sharks just keep growing new ones, don't they?

"Nah, I'll save the innuendo for dessert. Right now my head's spinning too much for anything witty or glib. How about I just go shower & have you lend me one of your gigantic shirts that will slip off my shoulder provocatively?"

"You've got it, sweetheart!" Kisame ambled out of the room to fetch the clothing, leaving Itachi to watch the captive.

"Tachi-kun, why don't you shut down the spinny eye thing? It's making me dizzier and you know full well that it's bad for you. If you didn't run it full time like a cheap dollar store nightlight, you wouldn't have to keep dragging me across the countryside to fix it."

"Sa-ku-ra, you know I detest your little pet monikers. You know what my name is," Itachi stated quietly.

"Right, gotcha. Shut the doujutsu off and I'll use your proper name."

"I'm afraid I can't do that until Kisame returns, medic," Itachi replied in that velvety monotone of his. "It seems the damage is much worse this time and I would have difficulty seeing your emerald orbs without the sharingan active."

"Guh. I've got a killer headache and I may very well spew if you don't shut it off. I seriously doubt that I'm up for any fancy attacks right now. Please, Ita-kun? For your favorite pink-haired med-nin?" Sakura wasn't above begging prettily, even if she did currently look like something a nin-cat horked up.

"No, kunoichi. You know I get massive headaches when the doujutsu is disengaged. You are in no state to treat my pain, much less heal my eyes. The sharingan stays on for now."

"Fine, Uchiha. Brat," Sakura huffed. Punching a throw pillow to fluff it up a bit, she placed it behind her head and leaned back with her own eyes closed. Where the hell was Kisame? A shower, supper and a nap would see her right as rain again.

Just as she was drifting off, a loud commotion started in the hallway. Not long afterward, the noise made an abrupt transition to the living room.

Once again prying an eye open, Sakura observed Deidara dragging Tobi into the room in a headlock.

"Oh, I'm so glad TweedleDumb and TweedleDumber could show up so soon." It seemed that having her almost-nap interrupted didn't make her any more sweet-tempered than she'd been originally.

"Shut up, yeah," exclaimed the blonde half of the tussling duo. "Tobi is NOT a good boy. He made teacups out of my clay while I was sleeping! He even cured them by the campfire. How can I do proper battle if all I can do is fling crockery at the enemy? Little tiny pinky-finger-up teacups. It's embarrassing, yeah."

"Tobi wanted to surprise senpai with a proper breakfast! Tobi wanted real teacups!" wailed the other half of the writhing disturbance.

Without seeming to move, Itachi had each of the combatants by the collar and separated neatly. Giving them a simple yet eloquent look, he set them on their feet.

"We have company, Tobi, Deidara." He indicated Sakura with a tilt of his head. The pink-haired kunoichi's skin was making an astounding effort to match her apple-green eyes. The assembled S-class nin hurriedly cleared a path in the room, prepared for her possible dash to the restroom. Tobi gave Sakura a happy little hand wave, then bent forward in a concerned manner.

"Would Sakura-hime like a cup of tea? Maybe in a very special teacup?" Tobi chirped. Deidara glared darkly at his partner and muttered, "That won't get you out of it, dickwad. You're buying me new clay, yeah."

Just then, Kisame returned with the promised T-shirt and a pair of slightly ratty bunny slippers, size enormous. Tossing them to the gently weaving female, he announced that the bathroom was free for her use. She scrabbled after the clothing and bolted from the room like she had suddenly learned the Body Flicker technique.

"So, who's she gonna be in love with this time, yeah?" Deidara asked with a sly grin. It was usually one of the bishie members but there was that time she was paired with Kakuzu and twice (twice!) with Kisame. He thought it might be his turn again but couldn't remember. It was no doubt written in his diary, no, JOURNAL! Yeah, in his journal. Or dayplanner. Definitely not a diary.

Somewhere, not very distant from the living room, there could be heard a sound, a sort of yowling and barking sound. Every shinobi tensed slightly, trying to detect the threat. It could be a dog or a wolf. Maybe Sakura had a 17-tailed wolf sealed in her...yeah, never mind. It was probably just the Return of the Sake and they had ringside seats to the performance. Sure enough, the sound of a the toilet flushing and a tremulous voice that might be saying "Never, never, ever again" could be heard. At least she had that out of her system.

When the sound of the shower started, the gathered nukenin adjourned to the kitchen to begin preparing the evening meal. Deidara and Tobi were forced to work at separate counters while they chopped vegetables, as Itachi proclaimed that not everyone wanted their supper to taste of blood and that "finger food" should not, indeed, consist of actual fingers.

As usual, Kisame was tasked with filleting the fish and Itachi made his famous rice in a rice cooker. No one could figure out why rice tasted better when Itachi made it. It was an automatic freakin rice maker, for the gods sakes. Still, it was so. When asked what he did different, all anyone got for a reply was a penetrating stare with gently rotating tomoe. No one asked twice.

Suddenly, the domestic scene in the kitchen was disrupted by several shrieks, one slightly more high-pitched than the other. Dashing through the intervening rooms, they discovered a half-dressed Hidan plastered against the wall opposite the bathroom, with an equally (yet opposite half) half-dressed Sakura in the doorway of the room. Kisame's t-shirt was as provocative as advertised and she looked a much healthier color after her earlier repentance at the porcelain altar.

Slowly, Sakura stirred, breaking the frozen tableau. Her eyes never leaving Hidan's face, she spoke briefly but with finality. "You creepy religious freak, I will not wear your underwear. The Kisame shirt is a tradition and I don't care to start a new one with your unmentionables."

"Screw you, if they were unmentionable, why did you mention them?" Hidan fired back. He looked slightly disappointed and particularly put out that she had turned down what he had hoped to have become a trademark addition to the kunoichi's garb. "They're boxer shorts, not some perverted bondage gear."

"You know, I might have been touched by the offer but those aren't even clean," Sakura stated flatly. "I refuse to put on your smelly skivvies. And what are you all looking at?" she snapped, rounding on the rest of them. "Is supper cooking or burning?"

The four original shinobi turned and fled back to the kitchen like a well-choreographed flight of birds. Soon the clatter of meal preparation could be heard again.

Hidan smirked at the petite captive and sauntered away, twirling his underpants on one finger. "You don't know what an honor you just turned down, kitten. I don't let every woman I meet get into my shorts."

Turning away from the silver-haired man and stomping toward the smell of food, Sakura couldn't help muttering, "As if any of them would without payment up front."

Sakura drifted into the kitchen, taking two steps in the bunny slippers to make one step forward. Slouching against a countertop (well away from the pair who were furiously chopping vegetables), she sighed like the stereotypical teenager she was.

Itachi noticed her melancholy look and silently offered her tea in a standard cup, then returned to intently watching the automatic rice cooker. Kisame nudged his partner as he pulled a frying pan out of the cupboard. Itachi took his cue and used a small katon to light the burner on the stove. It wasn't necessary and had actually voided the warranty for the electronic igniter but ninja skills in the kitchen were fun.

The purposeful bustle, wonderful aromas and steamy heat of the kitchen was nearly enough to lull the young woman into a drowsy nod. It was spoiled by Deidara's frequent killer glares at Tobi, which hadn't become any less murderous. Suddenly, the kunai he'd been using on the cabbage was expertly whisked out of his hand by the much taller Mist nin. Tobi was allowed to keep his knife as he continued happily creating frilly chrysanthemums out of carrots.

Soon enough, supper was on the table and the other members of the coalition made their way to the table. Konan nodded at Sakura, Pein looked her over expressionlessly before nodding himself, Zetsu popped out of the floor and back into it almost immediately and the Zombi Combi slipped into the room within moments of each other.

The public leader and his female companion quickly fixed dishes for themselves and left to go back to where they had appeared from. The rest of the group sat around the large rectangular table and helped themselves. There was little conversation initially, then Tobi piped up with "Tobi is a good vegetable-chopper." This earned him a fresh set of glares from his blonde partner and a kunai flung at his mask by the same man. Tobi had miraculously just bent down to examine his expertly chopped vegetables, thereby avoiding the knife.

Itachi gave Deidara a significant look, which caused the bomber to slump slightly and tuck into his meal with stiff, angry movements. Apparently, there was no love lost between those two, even after all this time.

Turning to the only woman left at the table, the Uchiha asked her politely how she was feeling. Sakura turned the corner of her mouth up in a small smile and replied that she was much better now, thank you, and complimented the cooks on their efforts.

Tobi fairly bounced in his chair, proclaiming Sakura to be the most beautiful real woman in the room, earning him a slightly puzzled, slightly suspicious glare from Deidara. Undaunted, Tobi asked if Sakura would cook for them tomorrow night. He seemed so earnest and slightly pleading that Sakura was just about to promise that she would make her specialty.

Before she could even open her mouth, Hidan asked, "What makes you think the little girl can cook? She's all about healing and busting shit up." Clearly, his underpants were in a bunch.

Sakura narrowed her eyes before looking at the source of her annoyance. "I'll have you know that I specialize in poisons." Gulps were heard down the table. "I also analyze poisons, and create antidotes to them, whether I created the original or not. If I can be trusted to do work that requires an exacting knowledge of how to help or harm a human with herbs and chemicals, I think I'm qualified to follow a simple recipe, don't you think?"

While the gathered males had initially been all in favor of getting away from their own limited repertoire of limited meal options, several of them found they couldn't get past the word "poison."

Unconsciously, most of their heads turned to Itachi. He merely kept his gaze on the kunoichi for several long heartbeats before nodding his head. "It would be an honor to have you prepare a meal for us, Haruno-san." The other shinobi relaxed slightly, each intent on making sure the Uchiha was the first one to try her cooking.

Relaxed chatter occupied the diners for the rest of the meal. Even Deidara unbent enough to kick Tobi gently under the table to ask what the masked nin meant by the "real woman" comment. If it was a veiled comment on his own refined (yet totally manly) good looks, there was going to be one less masked ninja in the house later on.

After supper and the ensuing rounds of jan-ken-pon to see who did the washing up, most of the group retired to the living room. Sakura resumed her earlier spot on the sofa, flanked by Itachi and Kisame. Kakuzu occupied the recliner and was reading the financial section of the newspaper. Tobi knelt on the floor and was painstakingly coloring flowers on very small teacups with an assortment of broken crayons.

Itachi turned slightly toward Sakura and asked softly, "Why were you so drunk in the middle of the day, Haruno-san?"

Sakura shifted uncomfortably and ducked her head down, hair hiding her features. "It was Ino's idea. She had just gotten dumped by her boyfriend after she caught him cheating on her."

"Does it not matter that a shinobi is on duty at all times? Did it not occur to either of you that you must be prepared to defend your village, your precious people, at every moment?" he asked.

"Well, sure, in theory. But getting plastered is such a good plot device and she had just been dumped. By a jerk. And you would have had a much more difficult time kidnapping me if I was sober, so you can't be complaining, can you?"

Itachi shifted back and sat very still for several moments before saying, "That is true. But a dedicated kunoichi must be especially careful, lest anything untoward befall her."

Sakura just shrugged and sighed. Yes, it was true. I mean, look at how many times they'd kidnapped her because she was drunk or crying herself senseless or dropping off to sleep like a narcoleptic. Still, you were only young, beautiful and pink-haired once in your life, so what was the harm? She always got home safely. And the guys weren't so bad, once you got over the fact that they were out to kill her team mate.

Dishes and clean up completed, Deidara and Hidan joined the rest of the group in the living room.

There was some discussion about what they should do with the rest of their evening. It was really too late to go out for a spar. There was no real television reception when you lived in a cave, no matter how posh it was. Sakura refused to get drunk and play strip poker, having just got her feet back under her from the last hangover and, since she was only wearing a t-shirt, would immediately be nude if she lost a single hand. She was in no mood for it right now.

"Sooo," Deidara said with a grin that would put Naruto to shame, "who are you scheduled to be with this round?" He still hadn't checked his dai-journal! yet.

Sakura slumped further, flopping her hands between her knees. Hidan, who was sitting on the floor in front of her, grinned and cackled, "Son of a bitch. The carpet does match the drapes!" Sakura immediately brought her knees together and glared under her shielding hair at the uncouth nin.

The other Akatsuki members were looking at each other with raised brows. No one was about to join Hidan in whatever hell Sakura was going to put him and it seemed that no one was sure who was to be the paramour this time, either.

Konan and Pein would know, of course, but they weren't present. Sakura was still slumped forward, obviously not enthused about the discussion.

Itachi suggested that everyone get a good night's sleep and they could check the status of the situation in the morning. This was more or less unanimously agreed upon and the individuals began leaving for their rooms.

Sakura delayed briefly, refusing to get up from the sofa before Hidan left. There was no way she could remove the t-shirt wedgie from her butt cheeks without him noticing and he would surely bring up how his underwear would have prevented it.

In desperation, she leaned against Kisame and quietly asked him to roust the creep. Kisame was slightly surprised but complied readily. Hidan, not in favor of being told what to do, especially when he was (correctly) certain he was unnerving the kunoichi, protested even as he was forcibly picked up and hauled out of the room by a grinning Mist nin.

Just another day in paradise.