Disclaimer: I don't own Legend of Zelda… I'll save the jokes for the story.

Note: This is based in Ocarina of Time's world, but there are elements of and references to the other games in it, including some from TP (sorry guys; no Midna).

The Legend of Zelda: Mix Up

Chapter 1: A Not-So-Final Battle

The sun rode high, peaking straight above the land of Hyrule. Shadows were diminished to nearly nothing in the noonday light. Summer was in full swing with many a child playing happily in the fields and the occasional old person dropping from heat exhaustion in the markets. It was a peaceful time for a realm that was quite often enveloped in, or on the verge of being enveloped in darkness and evil, usually by the same few people—it could be argued that these few were in serious need of a career change, given their ineptitude at their current profession.

In any case, they had all been locked away in the confines of the Dark Realm, where they endured torture beyond imagining—namely being forced to watch hour after excruciating hour of the pseudo-Italian white trash that was the cast of Jersey Shore. Well… all but one. But four out of five villains is pretty good. As for who had escaped, ask any Hylian with more than half a Re-Dead's brain and they would tell you this: the Dark Lord, Ganondorf.

This they would say in a dull, fairly bored monotone of a voice. It was not so much that they didn't fear him as he was just so damn predictable. He always came back and he always brought someone along to fight the Hero first. After the first twelve times, most just started to ignore the whole thing… Which was probably why he'd taken his act to Holodrum and Labrynna for what good it did him. Even the old Gerudo witches, Twinrova, tended not to mind him anymore.

That would change soon. He was the Dark Lord, damn it. He would teach those worms the meaning of the word 'respect.' He would prove the power that he held, the cruelty in his heart. He would kill Link and Zelda and steal their Triforces. Then they'd see.

Now if only he could find where they were to meet for this final confrontation. See, he'd decided to skip the rigmarole of kidnapping the princess and sending Link on a long, drawn out quest involving roughly seven to nine dungeons, each of which held precisely the item he would need to defeat the monsters and Ganondorf's henchmen that resided therein.

No, not this time. He'd opted for a single battle. He would defeat the Hero—a deed that he had failed too many times to count—and then he would kill Zelda, whom he'd called along as a witness—yes, this defeated the purpose of a witness but he'd never won before so he wasn't sure how to celebrate. He guessed that killing someone was as good a way as any.

However, to do this he'd have to find their agreed rendezvous and—though he was Ganondorf, Lord of Darkness, Master of Evil, Bearer of the Triforce of Power, King of the Gerudo, and Seven-time Scrabble Champion—he could not read a map to save his life. He was the Dark Lord and all aforementioned titles, he had minions to do such menial tasks for him… or, rather, had minions to do such menial tasks for him. Again, after twelve times his reputation had lost a bit of its luster. And now he was the lost Lord of Darkness, King of the Gerudo and so on.

This was actually quite the feat, getting lost, seeing as he was in Hyrule Field. This meaning, were he to look in any direction he would be able to see Death Mountain, the Gerudo Desert, Hyrule Castle, etc. Any of which he could have used to orient himself. He could also have simply asked directions from someone—he'd passed a farm, a mailman and a creepy wannabe fairy on his way—but, once more, he was the Lord of Darkness, King of the Gerudo and on. He was also a man—given that his titles were not 'Lady of Darkness' or 'Queen of the Gerudo'—and men do not ask for directions. Men get hopelessly lost and their wives ask for directions.

Ganondorf was unmarried.

He paused to check his map again—it should be noted that he was holding it sideways, but, hey, he was trying. Ganondorf's brow wrinkled as he considered the lines and names that were utterly meaningless to him—he also wondered why the labels were sideways but figured that the minds of mapmakers were beyond the understanding of one such as him. So absorbed was he in this fruitless task that he took no notice of the winged, glowing light that floated up behind him and peaked at his map. It quirked quizzically, quavering in a quiet, questioning way and quaintly quaffed from its quanta-sized quaich, temporarily quelling its queries. The 'quiet' part didn't last very long.

"HEY LISTEN!" it yelled, surprisingly loud and forceful for one so small.

Ganondorf gave a shout and fell over onto his backside. "What the Darknut? !"

"Are you lost?" the fairy asked.

He looked at it and held his chest, heart pounding painfully against his ribs as he tried to recover from the shock. "W-What? When did—? How did you…? Uh, no. No, I'm not lost. Lost is for mortals. I am Ganondorf, Lord of—"

"Yes, yes. I know all that."

He was astonished. "How?"

"Well aside from the fact that you villains introduce yourselves every time you take over, as well as telling everyone all about your scheme, I was with Link the first eight times. Remember?" she asked hopefully. "Navi…? His faithful and ever so helpful companion? Ringing any bells, big guy?" She continued to look at him in anticipation, sure he would know her now.

"Er, yes," he said uncertainly. "Navi… you're the one who helped the Hero do… that thing… that one time… in that place… with that monster." Seeking escape from the awkward situation—he had no idea who this bothersome creature was nor did he really care—Ganondorf changed the topic, saying, "Erm, anyway, if you're here, that must mean that Link is close by."

"Nope. We split up a while ago. Something about me being too annoying or something. But who needs him anyway? HEY LISTEN! I know what to do!" she exclaimed abruptly (and more than a bit loudly), causing Ganondorf to fall on his behind again. "I'll travel with you! That'll show him!" The Dark Lord started to protest but Navi pressed on. "Is that where you're headed? That's easy! It's about a mile east from here." Ganondorf stared at her blankly. "This way," she said, moving right. "C'mon! Follow me!"

Half an hour later, Ganondorf arrived alone at the edge of Kokiri Forest, where the trees are not quite close enough, tall enough, or thick enough to be called a forest. But it would be impolite to poke fun at it for being only half-forest, so we'll just say it's a forest and leave it at that. This is also more convenient to write, so bear with this incongruity in narration.

Link and Zelda were already there, appearing bored beyond words.

It would probably be prudent to point out that the Dark Lord was, as described, alone. Navi was nowhere to be seen. Shortly after their meeting, he'd discovered why the Hero abandoned her. She never shut up. Ever. She went on and on about every little thing and, when she finally ran out of steam on one topic, she would stop only to start again on another seconds later with a cry of "HEY LISTEN!" If he didn't pay attention, she would go about shouting this over and over in his ear until he did. So, Ganondorf had picked up a convenient Empty Bottle—capitalized because it is a known and viable weapon for Heroes—stuffed her inside and chucked her and it into a nearby river. He'd walked on as her muffled "HEY LISTENS!" had faded into the distance, a content smile on his lips.

Their entire encounter had taken all of six minutes to play out in full. How Link had lasted several years with that… Ganondorf couldn't begin to guess.

"Jeez, Ganon, I was beginning to think you were to Cuccoo to show," Link commented off-handedly. He drew the Master Sword—he'd taken to carrying it around with him, tired of having to go through the trouble of going to get it in the Temple of Light or Sacred Grove. Just how it managed to move between the two he didn't know.

"You dare insult me? ! I am Ganondorf, Lord of—"

"Yes," Zelda cut in impatiently. "We know. You tell us every time we see you. Now, can we get on with this? Link and I have been waiting here for nearly four hours. Did you get lost or something?"

Ganondorf was taken aback by the second interruption of his introduction; giving a full account of your identity and goals was practically the cardinal rule of villainy. To have that sacred rite interrupted bordered heresy. He started again, shakily, "I-I do not get lost for I am Ga—"

"Oh, for the love of the Goddesses!" Link exclaimed and charged at the Dark Lord, refusing to give Ganondorf the chance to continue. Anything to escape that Goddess-damned rant. He knew it word-for-blasted-word. He swung at Ganondorf who dodged backward.

Zelda watched without actually paying attention. This wasn't the first time she'd played spectator to these two and it certainly wouldn't be the last. The battle raged on in its typical fashion. Ganondorf started off rather well, scoring several decent hits on Link with sword and magic. Then, the Hero would figure out his weakness, conveniently have the means to exploit it and make a comeback. The Dark Lord would then kick things up a notch and the process would begin anew.

Slowly, however, the battle was turning as more of Link's attacks got through and more of Ganondorf's were blocked. As they fought, their Triforces glowed on their hands, the combatants due to the strain of the fight, Zelda's due to her close proximity with the other active two. The top triangle was brightest on Ganondorf's hand, the left on the princess's, and the right on Link's hand.

Losing ground, Ganondorf pulled out his tried and true trick of sending an orb of magic at the Hero. He swung it away. It careened toward Zelda, who let out a slap of magic and hit it toward the Dark Lord. He set it back to Link. To the princess. To Ganondorf. To Link. And on, and on, and on. Rather like a game of tennis and just as exciting as it settled into a tedious and unbroken rhythm. Twenty minutes passed in this feeble parody of an already dull game before a mistake was made. All three now moved to strike the orb. All three missed. Their sudden lunges forward put them off balance and each fell upon the other. Their Triforce hands knocked together as they dropped.

They squirmed and shouted on the ground in a tangle of limbs and frustrated curses—a surprising number of which came from the Princess of Hyrule. Little known fact but there was the mouth of a short-tempered truck driver on that one.

After a good deal of kicking and elbowing, the Bearers were able to separate, much more bruised and battered than they had been when they'd fallen. Poor Ganondorf received the brunt of this, having had the misfortune of landing on Zelda. She'd not reacted very amiably to that. They scrambled to their feet and brushed themselves off.

"Alright," Link said, panting, "okay, where were we?"

"The middle of your 'final battle,'" Zelda supplied.

"Ah, yes. Well, c'mon, Ganon. Back to it." He reached for his sword. The princess looked for a place to sit; they could be a while yet.

"Hold on for a moment!" the Dark Lord cried. He rubbed a newly blackened eye. "I won't be able to see properly out of this! I call a foul on Zelda!"

"It's a battle," Link stated. "You can't call a foul."

"But she hit me in the eye!" he yelled, outraged.

"It's a battle!"

"Well, how am I supposed to fight with this?"

"What happened to the whole 'Ganondorf, Lord of Something or Other' speech that you were getting ready to spout off earlier?" Zelda asked.

"You hadn't viciously attacked me yet, you rabid hag!"

"Hag? !" Zelda leapt at Ganondorf, but Link held her back. The Dark Lord fell back against a tree of the forest (see how much easier it was to call it a forest?). Link pinched the bridged of his nose with one hand as he waited for the princess to calm down. This was getting them nowhere fast.

"Alright, alright. How about this? We'll pick things up in a week, okay? Your eye will be healed by then and Zelda, you'll have calmed by then—can I remind you that we need him to maintain the Balance? Anyway, are we all agreed?"

Ganondorf nodded. Zelda huffed out a yes and Link released her.

They split off, none noticing that the left triangle now sparkled clearest on Ganondorf's hand, the right on Zelda's hand, and the top triangle on Link's.

Author's Note: And here we have my first attempts at being funny on Fanfiction. Hope you enjoyed it and got at least a chuckle or two out of it. Anyone follow who got what Triforce?

I should mention that this is based in OoT's world, but its not a direct parody on the game. It's more on Adventure/RPG games in general for all the things that we love about them that don't necessarily make any sense. The main characters being Sheik and Dark Link will be explained in a little while.

Tell me what you think! Was it funny, utterly terrible without a drop of humor, eh-ish? Read and Review!

—TG