So, the time has finally come for the final chapter of My List of Firsts!

I must say a huge thank you to anyone and everyone who is - by some miracle - still reading this. Years ago when I started writing this story, I never imagined it would come this far or that I would finish it.

Without further ado, please enjoy far too mushy and predictable of a closing chapter...

Chapter 36: My First Love

One thing I never knew existed until my best friend started dating someone in college was fall break.

Why we didn't get one in high school, I don't know. It seems totally unfair, even if Carly did remind me college students have a lot more on their plates and need to take breaks or they may collapse under the weight of their books.

I pointed out that sounded just like her already, but her only response was some weak form of denial and hand waving that implied the subject was closed.

The real reason she didn't want to waste time with the discussion was because, with this amazing concept of fall break approaching, College Guy AKA James was going to get to visit for five whole days.

They'd started seeing each other almost every weekend around the time of Freddie and my monthaversary, and they'd made things official at the beginning of August. To say Carly was excited about this relationship was like saying the moon landing was sort of cool but not really a big deal.

I have to say, of everyone Carly had dated so far, James was probably my favorite. He was a total nerd who was all into his college studies, but he was also super laid back and not stuck up. Most importantly, he made Carly happy, and it's hard to be annoyed when Little Miss Sunshine is sprouting off joy left and right.

Even though he was in college and had way more life experience than the rest of us, he fit in really well and was always happy to stop by the Groovy Smoothie or hang in Carly's living room. Of course they went off to do coupley stuff on their own. When they had dates planned, I would usually usher them out the door and wiggle my eyebrows enough times to get Carly to turn bright red and try to insist they weren't going to be mushy while I just nodded and closed the door during her spew of denials.

Apparently James found it cute, which was just more encouragement. I helped start this relationship, and I wasn't about to stop supporting it now.

I knew things were serious between them given how often he would leave campus to visit and how she would actually drive out to see him even though weekends always had a necessary quota of study time for her.

But I didn't realize how serious they were getting until one day, while we were upstairs coming up with iCarly bits and Freddie was out grabbing some new equipment, Carly looked at me and said, "I think I love him."

My jaw hung open for longer than I feel I need to admit.

Eventually, I replied with a, "what?"

She turned pink and cleared her throat. "James. I think… Sam, I think I love James. Like I'm in love with him."

At that point, my eyes bugged out, until I finally started grinning. "Carls, that's great! Are you serious?"

She seemed to clam up and get excited all at once. "Yeah. I mean… maybe it's kind of soon to tell him, especially since he's older and all of that, but… I don't know. I just- I feel like he's become such an important part of my life. I'm not saying I plan to buy a house with a picket fence with him, but I know that I don't just really like him."

I leaned over on my beanbag chair toward hers and gave her a half-hug, half-pat, which was awkward because we were both reclined. She seemed to appreciate it, anyway. "So how long do you plan to try to keep this a secret from him?"

"Hey, I can keep secrets!"

The face I made emphasized how little I agreed with that assessment. To be fair, Carly was great at keeping important secrets when it came to serious parts of people's lives. But things like gifts and whatnot usually got her too riled up to stay contained for long.

"And also, how long did you hide the fact that you liked Freddie?"

I scrunched up my nose at her but sighed, "touché, Shay."

She smiled triumphantly. We let the topic go and she went back to an idea for a potential iCarly film segment.

But when we took a break about an hour later to grab lemonade downstairs, something she had said came back to me.

Carly thought that two months into her relationship was too soon to tell James she loved him, yet she was pretty certain that was how she felt.

When was the right time to tell someone you loved them?

That question freaked me out, because suddenly I felt like I needed about fifty different questions answered.

Most importantly: was I in love with Freddie?

Sure, in the past, I'd felt like I was. Yet as I chugged down my lemonade, I started to realize I definitely wasn't in love with Freddie in the past. I had just really liked him, as Carly had phrased her past feelings for James.

Love was something different. It was something I didn't understand.

I mean, sure. I loved Carly and I loved Melanie, but that wasn't the same. You don't have to love your family, but with Melanie, I did have that sort of inevitable family love you're supposed to have. My connection with Carly was similar in that she was like an extra limb and was obviously my better half and also one I probably wouldn't survive without.

Yet Freddie wasn't like that. Even when we were friends, it had never been that extreme. I liked him as a friend, and I liked him even more as a boyfriend.

But what was love like?

I must have frowned into my lemonade, because Carly looked at me in concern and asked, "what's wrong?"

I shrugged, finishing the glass. "Nothing."

"Sam."

"I'm serious." I shrugged again, which proved nothing but felt effective, anything. "I was just thinking…" I shrugged for a third time – definitely too many times.

Carly wasn't happy with leaving things there and nudged her still half-full glass toward mine a little, as if willing me to talk by getting closer.

It was hard to hold out from Carly so I sighed and decided to make a partial move toward the truth. "Why do you love James?"

This question seemed to confuse her, but she eventually sat up straighter and smiled a little. "I don't know. I suppose I've just started to feel like, even though I have everything I could need in life – you, Freddie, Spencer, my dad, etcetera – I can't really imagine not having James in my life, too. And not in the sense that he's just a regular part like that comfy chair you sit in out of habit. More like… he makes me feel like a better, more complete person. And I don't need him around in order to be complete or to be better, but he encourages me to feel that way and it's just… wow, now I'm rambling. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel like he's helped me make the most of all of the great things I already had."

All I could do in reply to that was to stare at her. What were you supposed to do when someone poured out their feelings to you? With anyone else, I probably would have responded with a punch or a face of disgust. With Carly, I felt happy for her and pleased she was comfortable enough to say all of that to me.

But I didn't know what my response was meant to be.

Fortunately, Carly didn't seem to expect me to say anything, and just smiled and then went back to drinking her lemonade.

However, once both of our glasses were in the dishwasher, she turned around, leaning against the counter and eyeing me curiously. "I know it's not totally my business, but… you haven't told Freddie you love him, have you?"

It wasn't a strange question since, even though Freddie and I were pretty private about our relationship, as our other best friend, Carly was still well informed about most of the baseline stuff. A lot of that was because she had an amazing ability to figure stuff out and then weasel confirmation out of one or both of us.

Yet, embarrassingly, her question made me look away awkwardly and answer by shaking my head.

"Has he said it to you?"

"No."

"Do you… do you think that's how you feel?" When I didn't reply, she added, "it's normal and also more than fine if it's not. Everyone feels things at different times, and maybe that's not something that will happen, either. I was just curious. I care about you, Sam."

"I know." I started chewing on my lip for a moment and then finally looked at Carly for the first time since she asked. "All of that stuff you said about why you love James… it sort of seemed familiar. But… like… that's a big deal." I'm so well spoken.

To her credit, Carly kept a calm expression, which usually wasn't something she even remotely managed when she learned anything about my relationship with Freddie (the only exception was when he and I disagreed, which always made her sad and led her to try to restrain herself from attempting to fix things on her own).

"Do people usually, you know, say they love each other when they've been dating for four months?"

"I don't think there's a standard for this sort of thing. Plus, you two are only in high school, so I think it's understood there's no rush on anything."

"Are you just pointing that out so you can remind everyone your boyfriend's in college?"

"No. Or, at least, that wasn't the only reason," she admitted with a sheepish smile.

I sighed, sitting back down at the kitchen table. "I think I need time to figure it out… I feel like I've been… purposefully avoiding the thought."

"What?! You're never in denial. This is so shocking!"

"Be glad I'm comfy over here or I would come for you and your increasingly sassy butt, Carly Shay."

"You love my increasingly sassy butt."

"You know I do," I grinned, blowing an overdramatic air kiss in her direction.

She feigned nearly falling over from the kiss smacking her in the face. It wasn't the first time we'd done this, but I chuckled, anyway.

Fall break for college students arrived, and so did James. I was lying on Carly's couch when someone knocked on the door and the youngest Shay all but flew down the stairs. She stopped just short of the door, pausing to smooth down her already perfectly shiny hair before flinging open the door and grinning.

She squealed something that sort of sounded like his name, and I heard him pick her up and spin her around, even though I was sideways and facing the TV and therefore didn't actually see any of it.

In fact, if James wasn't so used to my constant presence in Carly's apartment, he probably wouldn't have thought anyone else was in the room.

But, sure enough, after they'd greeted each other with maximum enthusiasm, they made their way into the living room and he gave me a wave. "Hey, Sam! How's it going?"

"Hey, James. It's good. Enjoying some super educational programming," I replied, gesturing toward a show that had absolutely no intellectual aspects. "Good trip?"

He nodded, pulling off his jacket and folding it over his arm. "Barely any traffic, which was great. It helps that I left on Wednesday, which isn't exactly prime traveling time for most people."

"True that, Jameson."

Jameson wasn't actually his name; James wasn't short for anything. I had taken to calling him that, anyway, and he'd found it funny once he figured out it was a joke nickname so the thing just stuck. Every time Carly tried to go for the nickname, she ended up shaking her head and laughing at herself for feeling weird about it.

As James went to put his jacket off to the side, Carly grabbed him something to drink, and I generously sat up so I wasn't taking up an entire piece of furniture for myself. Then again, Carly often just lifted my legs and sat under them, so it wasn't actually a problem.

Carly had made up a whole itinerary for James' visit this time since they had several extra days compared to usual and she didn't want to waste any of their time together. This didn't surprise anyone, and fortunately, James was a huge fan of his girlfriend's itineraries and was happy to go along with whatever she planned and would do her the courtesy of showing up ahead of schedule for every part of it.

One aspect of my best friend that was impossible to dislike was that she always did her best to balance her relationships. She may have been dating someone outside of our tiny, immediate friend group, but she devoted as much time to James as she could without neglecting Freddie and me or iCarly. However, since the two of them could never really see each other during the week, Freddie and I basically shooed her off with him when he visited, knowing they deserved to have time alone whenever they could.

Even so, she had purposefully worked time with her best friends into the long weekend's schedule. James had free time during the weekdays since we still had classes and Carly would absolutely not skip, but she made sure to come up with a list of suggested places to visit during those hours in case he didn't know what to do.

Something she had added to the schedule that I sort of tried to avoid but didn't fight when she and Freddie discussed its merits was a double date.

My dates with Freddie were already so casual and probably un-date-like that I worried I would probably mess up Carly and James' time together, but she and Freddie insisted it would be great since we already hung out together sometimes, so I did the smart thing and just agreed. It's always better to let Carly carry out her plans exactly as she wants them. That girl can get very defensive when people try to mess with her schedules.

Our double date was on Saturday evening. Before it arrived, Carly and James had already accomplished so many things together thanks to her itinerary (which was actually typed up "for referencing purposes") that I couldn't keep track of the two of them and gave up trying.

I ended up going home on Friday night, which was just so I could use the new computer my mom had installed to video call Melanie and check in with her while our mother was out somewhere. Ever since my sister's health scare, the two of us made a point to text a lot more and to have a video call at least once per week. This way, we could see each other's faces somewhere other than in the mirror, which meant I could check for bags under her eyes and she could ensure I wasn't roughed up from fighting anyone.

We're obviously both very concerned siblings.

Spencer insisted James was not allowed to stay in their apartment because he did not think that was guardian-approved behavior. For this reason, Carly always stayed with one of James' friends when she visited him and James either stayed with Freddie or – when Mrs. Benson was on a rampage for one reason or another – at a cheap hotel nearby.

For this reason, we actually made plans to have breakfast at Carly's place on Saturday morning. Or, more accurately, Carly invited James to breakfast and naturally assumed I'd be there, too.

One of the best parts about James' visits was that they encouraged Carly to work harder to provide actual meals instead of just a random assortment of food, which meant we had a tiny buffet around us. I was on my second round of food when Freddie finally came by.

"James! Long time no see, man," he joked in his usual dorky way, since James was spending nights on the Bensons' couch.

The other boy's response was to hold his free hand up for a high five, which Freddie happily obliged.

"You're here in time for breakfast since Sam's only on round two," Carly gave her friend a knowing look. "What do you want?"

"I had some cereal already, but I may go for some eggs, if you don't mind."

"Get your protein, Fredward. You're a growing young lad," said Spencer as he entered the kitchen to pull a pie out of the oven. "Book club," he explained as he held it up, before setting it down to cool and disappearing again.

James started laughing, and the rest of us smiled, knowing he was eternally confused yet still amused by Carly's older brother.

The conversation turned toward the bike ride Carly and James had discussed taking that day, with Freddie suggesting several different routes and me eating without any pauses for talking.

Since I wasn't really one for exercising and thus not much of a bike rider, I stopped paying total attention. Instead, I started thinking about cheese and tried to decide which kind was my favorite. It was always a toss up because I changed my mind pretty much every time I ate a different type. I may be a loyal friend, but I am easily persuaded by like one cheese most of all and then another just minutes later.

Somehow that led me to consider the merits of garden gnomes and then to wonder if the Cold War was actually given that name because Russia was so cold and the reason our teachers gave us was just a made up reason people used to try to sound smart.

At some point I ended up looking over at Freddie and realized it was weird how happy I was he was there, especially since a year or two prior I would've likely kicked him under the table or hauled him out of the apartment and into the hallway.

Yet he was there and I liked him being there because I simply couldn't imagine him not being there or not wanting him there.

That was when I heard Carly say, "don't you just love that one?" I knew from her gestures she was probably talking about a scenic bike-riding destination.

But that was when it hit me. And when I started choking on the giant bite of bacon I had just taken.

Immediately, James leapt from his seat. "Sam, are you okay?"

Carly and Freddie both faced me with concern, starting to ask the same thing. I was pretty sure I started shaking my head.

Since I was making some gross noises, James deducted out loud that I didn't need the Heimlich, which sort of relaxed everyone.

I looked at all of them as if somehow my panicked, red face was supposed to reassure them I was going to be totally fine. But when I looked from Freddie to Carly, my expression must have not appeared the way I imagined it did, because my best friend suddenly gasped.

That led everyone to look at her, and she looked guilty of something, since her hand was over her mouth. Luckily, she was smart enough to explain it away the minute I started coughing and finally cleared my throat by saying, "that was so scary! Are you okay, Sam?"

This time, I nodded and eventually got out a pretty scratchy, "yep, just swell." Everyone seemed to relax after that.

Well, everyone but Carly. She gave me a knowing look and said, "hey, I'll go get you more orange juice. Why don't you go sit on the couch and chill for a moment? I'll take your plate in there for you."

Knowing I couldn't really get out of that without making up a lame excuse, I just got up and went to the couch, waiting for her and doing my best not to look back at the kitchen.

Carly arrived moments later and plopped down next to me, the promised glass of juice and plate of food set down on the coffee table.

"So…" she eyed me, whispering it as if it was some deep secret and not just one word.

She gave me time to down the juice and clear my throat a few more times before she raised her eyebrows, emphasizing her expectation for me to say something.

"So?"

"I saw that," her whispers were miraculously quieter than usual, even in her excited, quick tone.

"You saw me nearly choke to death? So did everyone else…"

"You did not almost choke to death. Don't be dramatic. And you know that's not what I mean. I saw you look at Freddie."

I went for playing dumb because it seemed safest until I figured out what to say. "I looked at all of you. And there's nothing unusual about me looking at Freddie. He's a nub. And he's my boyfriend."

She made a shooing motion with her hand, as if nothing I said was remotely relevant to this talk. Truthfully, it was just me trying to delay, so she wasn't wrong. "Yes, but there was something unusual about the way you looked at him."

"What is this? Psychology 101: Signals for Beginners?"

"So you admit it!"

"Admit what?"

"There was something unusual about the way you looked at him!"

"Uh, like he had two heads?"

"No, like you, well… you know…"

"I really don't."

She didn't even waste her time replying and just shot me a look that informed me I was not allowed to treat her like she was stupid, even if I was just trying to delay things.

"Fine… maybe I- I don't know. You just love that bicycle spot or whatever so much, and I-"

"I knew it!" her whisper was so fast it almost didn't sound like separate words, but her entire face had lit up and she grabbed my shoulders and started shaking them. "Are you going to tell him?"

"About the bicycle spot? He heard you."

Again she gave me a look instead of wasting another breath.

I looked away for a moment before admitting, "I don't know. I mean, I should. Right?"

"You can do whatever you want."

"Not helpful. You're supposed to have the answers."

"What's going on in there? Is Sam still alive?" James called over, startling Carly and me out of our little bubble of whispers.

"Not on life support yet!" I called back.

"We'll be over in a second," Carly added, mostly as a way of informing me this conversation was not yet finished. She was good at doing that and I could almost never get out of it. Or maybe never at all.

I crossed my arms and she raised her eyebrows again, obviously not about to put up with more delays. I slumped my shoulders and grabbed a piece of toast, biting off a small amount so she wouldn't freak out about my recent choking experience.

"Eventually. Yes." When I said it, I knew it was true and I wasn't just saying it for her benefit. If I really did feel this strongly about Freddie, then he needed to know, because I needed to know if he felt the same or if maybe this wasn't going to be a thing for such a long time.

"Eventually?"

"Eventually."

"How eventually?"

"I don't know," this time I stopped whispering, because the thought of saying any of this really did freak me out, and unlike Carly, I didn't have a plan for every situation. I'm pretty sure if I asked her when she planned to tell James she was in love with him, she'd be able to name the exact time and place she had in mind, likely a month or two from now and somewhere very scenic.

Since Carly's a wonderful person who just happens to like to be informed, she accepted that I didn't have an answer yet and finally spoke up. "Make sure you drink all of your juice before you eat more to make sure your throat isn't still irritated."

I nodded obediently and did just that. Sometimes it was easiest to do what she said, especially when her ideas were fairly appealing.

The Carly-set time for our double date arrived, and by then some part of me that was brave but not in the stupid way had decided I would just go ahead and tell Freddie how I felt afterward when we had time away from Carly and James.

I wasn't a chicken, but I also knew if I started putting it off, I would keep putting it off until it basically never happened. And even if it had only hit me that morning, when I thought about it during the day while organizing my room (or, as Carly would call it, putting things in different places to find stuff I had buried under other stuff), I knew the feelings had showed up much earlier, and I simply hadn't been ready to name them. Maybe I hadn't even known how because they were so unfamiliar.

In any case, there was no time like the present. Well, the future, but not the far away future. Just the super close future.

Unfortunately, having this plan in mind – something I usually left to Carly – meant I ended up acting sort of grouchy on our date. I didn't ruin anything, as Carly later reassured me, but I was definitely tense and James was probably the only one at the table to let that pass without concern. He and I were sort of friends by now, but he didn't know me well enough to find my behavior strange at all.

Carly, on the other hand, took me aside when we were leaving the restaurant and gave me a worried glance. "Sam, what's up?"

When I just stared back at her, she insisted, "you can tell me."

"I know," I sighed, feeling guilty both for being a bit of a grump during the date she had planned and for making her feel like I ever doubted how trustworthy she was. "I'm just… I ruined my own plans. And yours."

"Sam, you did not ruin my plans! That was still super fun, even if I kept getting the sense you maybe needed a nap or something. And wait, what plans did you have that you ruined?"

"I was going to… I was going to tell Freddie. After our date."

"You still have time!"

I shook my head. "I know there's still time, but I freaked out about it the whole night and now I don't want to tell him tonight anymore because I don't want him looking back on the time I told him I loved him and remembering, oh yeah, that was when Sam was even more frustrating than usual for the whole evening."

"I don't think he would remember it that way." Carly's honesty forced me to acknowledge she was probably right, but I had still psyched myself out too much to go back to my original plan that evening.

That was exactly what I said to her, before eventually coming out with, "but thanks. For, you know, encouraging me. And being here. And not being totally mad that I was a boring date buddy."

"You're never boring, and you're the perfect date buddy."

"You're just saying that because you have to as my best friend."

"I may be contractually obligated, but I still mean it," she teased, and her grin got me to smile back.

Once we had hugged it out for long enough, we made our way back to James and Freddie and then piled into the car so we could return to the apartment building.

After dropping off Carly and James, Freddie said he'd drive me to my house, and I stayed put in my seat to show that worked for me. We were halfway there, parked at a stoplight, when he turned to me and broke the silence.

"Everything okay, Sam?"

While he looked concerned, part of him also looked hopeful in a way I hadn't really seen before, and it threw me off. I was so used to spending time with Freddie on both good and bad terms over the years that it wasn't often I saw something in him I didn't recognize.

For a moment, I thought I was just overanalyzing things because of what I had originally planned to do that evening, but he looked too much like he was waiting for something he was nervous to mention, and it left me confused.

The good thing about the confusion was that it also distracted me enough that I wasn't so tense anymore.

"Yeah. Definitely fine. I was just feeling a little weird tonight. Sorry for being a not so good date."

"You're the best date," he offered, reaching over and taking my hand for a second before putting it back on the wheel as the light turned green. "I just want to make sure you're doing alright."

"I'll be fine. Thanks for checking, Fredward."

"Didn't you say you're already fine?"

"Are you turning into Carly on me?"

"Not a chance. My hair isn't nearly that nice."

"Is anyone's?"

"I don't think so," he confirmed with a laugh, and just like that both of us were comfortable again and back to the way we usually were, relaxed but also ready to make fun of each other whenever the moment called for it. Many moments did.

Freddie had started dropping me off at my house or Carly's front door rather often. He always walked me to the door, whether it was two steps from his own or up a disaster of a walkway, but he never made a big deal out of it, which I liked because that made it feel normal and nice but not too gushy.

This time, when we got to the door, he asked if he could head inside and use the bathroom before driving home, and I obviously told him that was fine.

My mother never locked the door, so we just went right inside. I plopped down on the couch, figuring I'd wait there until he was finished so we could say goodbye before he left.

He'd learned to use the bathroom upstairs since the other one was a complete disaster, so when I heard him coming back down the steps, I stood up and walked around the couch.

"All set?"

"All set," he replied, looking more pleased with himself than I had expected. That nervousness was still there, but when he kissed me, he didn't seem too concerned about anything.

We drew apart and I smiled at him. "Sorry for being a nub tonight."

"You're always a nub."

"Um, excuse me, you're obviously the nub."

"You just called yourself a nub!" He was right, but that didn't mean I was going to give him the pleasure of acknowledging it.

I shut him up by kissing him again for a second, punching his shoulder softly, and then grabbing his collar so I could kiss him once more.

Freddie did not complain.

After we said goodnight and parted ways a while later, I trudged up the stairs and flopped into my bed, lying there for at least twenty minutes before building up the energy to take off my shoes and find some items that could probably pass as pajamas.

My phone had enough battery that I went ahead and texted Carly, knowing she was probably chatting with James or kissing his face off and wouldn't see it for a while.

Sam: You're good at making plans. It was fun

Sam: You're also a good friend

Sam: But so is ham

Sam: You may be better but i can't confirm or deny

Sam: Ham and i have a very precious relationship

Sam: But thanks kid

Sam: MAKE GOOD CHOICES

Sam: Don't eat all of the pudding in your fridge or let james eat all of it

Sam: I will come for him even if he is your boyfriend

Sam: That pudding is mine

Sam: Technically it's spencer's but really it's ALL MINE MUAHAHAHA

Sam: Did I mention you're the best?

Sam: Don't stay up too late i know you have a bed time shay

Deciding that was probably enough bothering her for one night and feeling too tired to keep my eyes open for much longer, I aimed my phone at the nightstand and then stuffed my face into the pillow.

In the morning, once I plugged in my phone and it turned on again, I saw I had quite a few texts waiting from Carly. I didn't pay attention to when she sent them, but figured I'd give them a read after getting ready for the day.

Adequately clean, fully dressed, and sort of awake, I headed back to my phone and pulled it off the charger, even if it didn't have that much battery yet. I was too lazy to try to find a comfortable position to be in while also not wandering away from the outlet.

Just as I typed my password for the third time, finally getting it right and not getting too distracted to make sure I hit the proper numbers, I noticed something bright green on my mirror and looked up, squinting over at it.

For some reason, there was a sticky note there, with nothing written on it. I recognized the sticky note as one of Melanie's since she had an extensive office supply collection, but she was off at school again and thus couldn't have put it there.

I realized it was possible I was the one who had put it there when I was "organizing" my room the previous day. The mirror itself was crooked, and the edge of the piece of lined paper I had taped behind it was visible.

Dropping my phone onto my bed, I stood up and took the piece of paper from the wall, straightening the mirror afterward.

Sentimental wasn't really my style, but partway through senior year, with Carly dating a guy in college and Melanie talking eagerly about her early decision schools more and more with each conversation we had, I realized that a lot of time had passed since I first wrote something on that page.

Ready to laugh at myself and how much weirder – though still awesome – younger Sam was, I looked at the first item.

March 25, 2003: My first friend (Carly Shay)

Over seven and a half years had gone by since I first met Carly. I could hardly believe it, and yet, at the same time, it made complete sense.

When I thought about my life, the first person to come to mind was always Carly. My twin meant a lot to me, and I was in love with a nub I used to hate, and my best friend's older brother was a terrible authority figure and yet still the adult I looked up to the most. But when it came down to it, Carly and Sam were a unit. Even if we went to different colleges and moved farther away from each other than we were right now, we would still always be Carly and Sam.

Even if iCarly no longer existed, the world still knew Carly and Sam, and that wasn't going to change. We were verging on eight years of friendship, and I started to get the real importance of anniversaries, because I felt like I should do something in March to commemorate the occasion.

Maybe I'd buy her a ham. Or a super huge book she found interesting. The second choice was probably the smarter idea.

Just as I started to get distracted thinking about potential presents I would need to acquire months from now, I noticed I could see something on the back of the page. Notebook paper is always annoyingly see-through.

I don't know what I expected to find on the other side. Maybe an accidental pen or pencil mark I had made in the past without realizing it. Maybe I'd written something down I wasn't supposed to forget but had accidentally put it on the back of my semi-secret list instead of somewhere useful. Maybe I was just going totally bonkers and there wasn't actually anything on the back.

As it turned out, none of those options were true. What I found instead was far more shocking.

At the top, it said: My (Abbreviated) List of Firsts, by Freddie Benson.

Well, that was unexpected.

There was only one item under the title, which I guess explained why it said abbreviated.

Still, that didn't explain why Freddie suddenly had his own list of firsts and it was on the back of mine. I knew he'd discovered the list by accident long ago because he had confessed as much to me. Even though we were now a couple, he had kept his word and not brought it up again, probably realizing it was one of the few private things I had since I wasn't usually the type to hold onto stuff that meant anything to me. If anything, I got rid of any of those items except gifts from Carly in an attempt to make sure my mom couldn't get rid of them for me when she went on one of her home renovation sprees (which really amounted to her throwing out my items to make room for new stuff she'd acquired).

For at least three whole minutes, I avoided looking at what the one item was. Not that I would own up to it, but I was a little nervous about seeing what he'd put on there. At least his handwriting was distinguishable so I knew he was the one who had really created this list and it wasn't just a joke of some sort.

Finally, I forced myself to just move my eyeballs down a fraction of an inch and see what Freddie's first was.

I wondered if it was going to be something silly, in an attempt to lighten the mood after my weirdness the previous night. After all, he had to have written it yesterday, didn't he? I figured he had done it when he came upstairs to go to the bathroom.

Maybe he hadn't gone to the bathroom at all… That nub was getting sneakier, and I was very proud.

Though at the moment, that was beside the point, and my curiosity got the best of me and I finally read possibly the last thing I was expecting to see on that page.

September 2010: My first real love (Sam Puckett)

The date may have been ambiguous, but there, otherwise perfectly in line with all of my notes on the other side of the sheet, was Freddie putting down in writing that he loved me.

If I was the swooning type, I probably would have passed out then and there.

But, since I'm not remotely that type of person, I instead shoved on my shoes and ran downstairs, hurrying out the door and belatedly hoping I had remembered my phone.

By the time I made it to the hallway where Freddie and Carly both lived, I was exhausted but motivated, nonetheless, and I took it out by knocking rapidly on Freddie's door.

His mother wasn't home, though I don't think I would have cared in that moment if she was standing right in the living room or on Mars.

Freddie flung open the door, and it only took him a second to take in my disheveled appearance and the now crumpled piece of paper I'd forgotten to let go of while still in my room to put together what was happening.

"You saw the sticky note?"

"You left my mirror crooked?"

"That's really what you're thinking about?"

"No, no, I'm thinking about the fact that you- you-" I held up the sheet of paper, likely not even facing the right way, but letting it finish my sentence, anyway.

"That I love you?"

"Is that a question?"

Now it was Freddie's turn to get flustered, and it was just about the cutest thing I had ever seen in my entire life, which is something I would freely admit.

"Yeah. Well, no, I mean, it's not a question. I- I love you, Sam. I probably should've said it sooner, but I guess I was just so nervous and I was afraid you'd think I was trying to take things too fast. But then I heard you and Carly talking last night after dinner-"

"You heard that?"

"Not on purpose. But it made me realize that I shouldn't be wasting time not saying it."

"So instead you wrote it down?"

"Well last night was weird and I figured I'd give you some space."

"So you broke into my room?"

"You let me into your room. And you're not making this easy."

"I'm not making this easy? You're the one being all sweet and dorky and holy chizz I don't know what I'm saying right now."

He chuckled, shaking his head and looking at me with his eyebrows doing that dumb thing I like so much. "In case you need me to clarify, I'll say it again. I love you, Sam Puckett."

"Holy crab." I wasn't certain if I'd said it out loud or just thought it, but I started chanting it in my head as I stared at Freddie until I finally covered my face, shook out my hair, and then let my arms drop to my sides and met his gaze. "I am so in love with you, Freddie Benson. And this is definitely pathetic and way too like a rom com Carly would watch, but it's true. Also I'm going to kiss you so that I stop talking and also because you look really dang cute right now."

Freddie helped me out with that one by taking hold of my waist and pulling me toward him. I wasn't sure how long we stood in his doorway kissing, but I was completely certain that this was one of the best firsts of all.

Out of all of the surprises the world could thrust upon me, the fact that Freddie and I had just confessed to being in love with each other and were now making out sort of in the hallway and sort of in his apartment was a pretty unforgettable one.

I didn't need to write this one on a piece of paper to know how much it meant.

Thank you so, so much for reading My List of Firsts! I hope you enjoyed it or at least found it entertaining.

For anyone who has a moment, I would absolutely love to hear your final thoughts on the chapter, the story as a whole, some moment of it you still remember - anything, really! - in a comment or message before I officially put this story behind me at long last.

Thanks again for joining me in this crazy ride that I absolutely never imagined would truly come to an end! xxx