Setting: Bayverse

Pairings/Characters: Ironhide/Chromia, Prowl, Optimus, Lennox

Summary: Never let it be said that Prowl was above abusing his power as Second-in-Command and his knowledge of Optimus's paperwork habits.

Author's Note: I...uh...yeah. My brain, it is full of crack.

- Section 876 -

As part of the on-going communication process between the Autobots and the Humans, it had been decided that some of the humans should learn Autobots protocols and regulations. The fact that they specifically waited to make this suggestion until Prowl landed wasn't mentioned, since none of the Autobots wanted to admit that the Autobot second-in-command had the only complete copy of their protocols and regulations. In the end, it turned out to be a good thing, as apparently Prowl wasn't above using his position to his advantage.

"You know, I understood most of the regulations," Lennox said once he'd finished reading the massive document. "They makes sense. What I don't understand is why there's regulations for touching Prowl's doorwings." Optimus, the one to ask the army Major what he thought, paused and turned to give his second-in-command a confused look.

"There are?" he asked blankly in Cybertronian.

"You never HAVE read anything I handed you to sign," Prowl replied, not looking up from where he was fiddling with the recently installed stellar scanners.

"I do so," Optimus protested, managing to look mildly offended.

"No, you read datapads I leave on your desk for you to sign. Anything I hand you to sign, you do so right away, without reading, and give it back to me so I'll get out of your office faster. Usually so you can get back to playing that infernal puzzle game on your terminal, or bothering Magnus or Elita over comms," Prowl drawled, glancing over with amusement.

"I -" the Prime stopped his protest at the look his second-in-command was giving to him. With great dignity, he turned back to Lennox and informed the major in clear English. "Ask Prowl about them." Then he walked out.

"I have a feeling I missed something," Lennox said with amusement after the Prime was gone.

"Nothing much," Prowl said smoothly. "Just Optimus being himself. You wanted to know about the regulations in section 876?"

Cybertron - near the start of the war

Chromia was watching him. Again. She'd been doing it for the past three orns, and it was starting to make Prowl fritz. If she were any other femme, he would have thought she was interested in him and politely told her last orn to go on her way because he wasn't. But this was Chromia. Not only was she one of the few Autobots Prowl was leery about getting into a confrontation with, but she was bonded to Ironhide. So Prowl found himself unconsciously trying to hide from the femme - more so when he realized she wasn't watching him so much as his doorwings.

Bluestreak and Smokescreen suddenly found themselves sharing an unusual number of patrol and duty shifts with the femme after that. Not that it did any good - she only seemed interested in Prowl's doorwings. Which made absolutely no sense and only made Prowl start fritzing worse, so he decided to confront the problem.

"Mornin' Prowl," Ironhide grunted as the tactician sat across from him in the mess hall. Chromia was out on patrol duty, so Prowl felt safe approaching the weapons specialist for the first time since he'd noticed Chromia's staring.

"Ironhide," Prowl greeted politely. "I have a favour I'd like to ask of you." Ironhide looked at him in surprise.

"A favour?"

"Yes. Regarding Chromia," Prowl said irritably, and Ironhide suddenly grinned. Despite the sudden sinking feeling in his tanks, Prowl pressed on. "Could you please get her to stop staring at my doorwings?"

"Sorry Prowl, no can do," Ironhide said, grinning broadly as he tilted his chair back. It was obvious that this had just become the best morning ever for him.

"And why not?" Prowl asked irritably.

"Cuz I've already tried. Not with your 'wings in specific, but 'Mia gets like this occasionally," Ironhide said, still with that maddening grin. "She gets obsessed with some feature or part of another 'Bot and can't let it go." Prowl stared. "Yeah, I don't understand it either, but I blame her upbringing in the Towers. She finds a shiney and wants to touch."

"Oh," Prowl said, his logic processor whirling. "How long does it usually last?"

"Usually?" Ironhide paused for a moment, looking like he was seriously thinking about it. When he looked back with an even wider grin than before, Prowl realized the black mech had only been pretending, though. "Until she convinces the 'Bot she's focused on to have a threesome."

There was a long pause, during which Prowl's logic processor tried to short out. Ironhide, watching with a mixture of amusement and concern, didn't say anything. He started laughing, though, when Prowl got up and walked out without another word. The weapons specialist was in a good mood for the rest of the day.

Chromia cheerfully bounced into the command center - patrol last cycle had gone smoothly, Ironhide had been particularly lusty when she'd returned, and this morning she had her first shift in the command center with Prowl in two whole orns. Which meant she would have an entire shift of staring at those absolutely amazing doorwings -

"Here." The datapad was shoved into her face by a glaring Prowl before she'd gotten more than three steps inside the command center, and it took her a moment to focus on it enough to take the datapad. Once she had it, Prowl immediately stalked off, sitting at the main sensor console with his back to her. Chromia cycled her optics once or twice, glancing between the datapad and the SIC, debating between reading it and staring for a bit. In the end, she decided to read the datapad, and found herself grinning.

To: Chromia

From: Prowl

Subject: Amendment to Autobot Regulations

The following has been added to regulations under section 876:

Touching the doorwings of the Second-in-Command (Prowl) has been deemed allowable only when off-duty, and with the understanding that should the Second-in-Command (Prowl) request that the touching stop, it do so immediately. Furthermore, all touching privileges will be revoked upon any mention of the word 'threesome' in the same sentence with the names 'Ironhide', 'Prowl', and 'Chromia', or any of their respective nicknames. Even if said mention is made within the privacy of ones own quarters.

Prowl

Second-in-Command

Head Tactician

Maker of Your Schedule

Chromia smirked, and looked up to find Prowl giving her a stern glare. She didn't really notice it, as her gaze was caught on the doorwings he was peering over, and she gleefully set an internal alarm for the end of Prowl's shift.

If anyone else wondered why Chromia suddenly became just as enthusiastic as Jazz at making sure that Prowl actually went off-duty at the end of his shift like he was supposed to, they didn't dare ask. Nor did they dare to ask why the unspoken rule of 'don't touch the doorwings' that had been rigidly enforced by mechs that had them was suddenly being blatantly broken by Ironhide's mate. In fact, they tended to stay very, very far away when Chromia decided to pet Prowl's doorwings. She always had a most disturbingly satisfied smile on her face when she did so, and Prowl had an unnerving tendency to start purring. Even worse, if Ironhide was with them, he snickered almost constantly.

All in all, everyone decided they'd rather not know, and left the three well alone whenever Chromia went near Prowl's doorwings.

- END -