Several years after the events of Project H and the Half-Blood Prince (also known as Cormac McLaggen and the Full-Blood Prince, if you know what he means), former reserve keeper for the Gryffindor Quidditch team and self described ladies-man Cormac McLaggen has set up a business that he describes as "the cheapest detective service around, and we also repair bicycles". Inspired by the film-noire detective stories of the 1920's, McLaggen lives his life in black and white, and always has a waft of cigarette smoke following him around, as he uses his impeccable powers of deduction and seduction to solve the wizarding world's most complex and dangerous mysteries.

Part 1: A Study in McLaggen

It was the kind of night that made you wish you could throw away the detective game and retire to a life of yachting with your Brazilian lingerie model girlfriend and own active imagination. Just as I considered closing up for the night, and curling up to sleep on my office floor, in walked one of the finest dames I'd ever laid my eyes upon.

She wore a dress with a neckline that plunged lower than my current salary. It was less of a neckline, and more of a waistline. And so thin, it was practically a fishing line. But with clothes on it, so it was a clothes line. And with flesh beneath it, so it was more like some sort of butcher's hook. But I knew this clothes line butcher's hook of a woman was trouble.

'I was wondering if you could help me,' she uttered breathlessly. I could tell by the way she spoke that she was immediately smitten by the mess and odour of my office. As she stepped closer, I could see she was wearing not what I initially thought, but rather ordinary wizarding robes. Must have been a trick of the light, or some wishful thinking by her.

'I always help a damsel in distress,' I replied, my pants having already descended to the floor. No mean feat when you remain seated.

'I have an important task, and I saw your advertisement in the back of Witches Gone Wild magazine.'

'Ah yes. The second-hand mattress is most certainly still for sale, though I must insist on...supervising, if you wish to try before you buy.'

'I meant the other advertisement, the one describing you as "the most affordable and arousing detective in the world."'

As she spoke, her tongue darted in and out of her mouth, like a cobra being charmed out of a particularly sensual basket. Being charmed by a handsome musician using a very long, seductive flute.

'Cormac McLaggen is the name, at your service. Cigarette?'

'No, Susan Bones.'

'I wouldn't mind jumping Susan's bones,' I rather cleverly thought to myself. So clever was it that I immediately repeated it aloud so that Susan too could appreciate my genius. She rather playfully continued her introduction without showing any sign that she had heard me.

'My name is Susan Bones, and I work at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. There's been a murder, and we need someone who can catch the culprit without drawing too much attention to the crime. Do you think you're up to it?'

'I'll show you who's up to it, if you catch my drift,' I said, standing up in my pants-less glory so there was no chance of misunderstanding.

I could tell by the way she looked away in disgust that she was turned on, and would attempt to bed me at the first possible opportunity. But such a tryst would have to wait, as a murder had occurred and required immediate attention with no time for distractions.

I dropped to the ground, and curled up in a ball for my sleep.

Tune in next time for espionage, deception, and did someone say 'Sexual tension'? I sure hope not, as asking questions out loud to your own computer is one of the first signs of insanity.