(I do not own Doctor Who.)

Care and Keeping of a Human

When you first meet a human, keep in mind that they are a very emotional race and extremely connected to family members and friends. Be careful not to make degrading comments (especially about the groups mentioned before) or mention their inferior cranial structure. Only on rare occasions have I met humans whose pure logic came close to equal my own. A note of warning, however: if you meet a human whose logic is impeccable, it is most likely under the influence of Dalek or Cybermen headmasters.

Depending on where the human in question is from, it will have what they call an "accent". Despite TARDIS language interpretation assistance, some accents are nearly impossible to understand; although if you spend several hours with this person, their speech will gradually become more understandable.

Many adult humans are obsessed with fermented plant juices, or alcohol. This substance has a rather pleasing taste, though of no nutritional value, and has no adverse affect upon Time Lord physiognomy. Humans, on the other hand, often develop slurred speech, loss of bodily control, and inhibited brain function, proceeded by a "hangover" which can last for hours. If you happen to meet any humans under the influence of alcohol, either stay away from them as they are terrible in a crisis, or avoid mentioning the fact that you do not suffer hangovers. This will be perceived as arrogance.

There are many other things to avoid mentioning around humans. These things include:

Anything having to do with time travel

Alien races (to those before 2853)

Your double heartbeat

Reproduction (Certain humans may begin behaving strangely, or become outright indignant)

Death

Regeneration

Cloning

Politics

Humans have many faults, among them a tendency to accuse all and sundry when some calamity occurs. This usually results in someone, usually the innocent party, ending up in a nasty place they call prison, where you cannot escape unless you have a very good understanding of locks. If you discover an annoying fault in any human you meet DO NOT under any circumstances TELL THEM ABOUT IT. Especially refrain from shouting, also; they react rather unkindly to that sort of thing.

Humans are also very subject to domination by other, more advanced races. If this occurs, do not blame them (at least not out loud) and do not begrudge rescuing them another time. Or fifty.

If you do decide to let a human accompany you across the universe, be warned that they are shocked very easily. Do not expect them to fully comprehend, and do expect to explain things multiple times in order for them to remember. Avoid taking a human from before Earth year 2853 to a "spaceport bar" ; they are likely to get themselves into trouble and start multiple wars if left unattended. Be prepared for exclamations of surprise wherever you go.

Try to avoid letting a human steer your TARDIS; they are accident-prone and will likely break something. Also, the sheer mass of machinery often baffles them, and some of the females may break down in tears. It is better to give them a simple task, one that involves repetition and one or two buttons in order to satisfy their desire to help.

A short note on Earth: Earth is the humans' home planet, a basic planet encouraging to life. With an atmosphere made mostly of nitrogen and oxygen, and orbiting an unimportant yellow star, Earth is conductive to Gallifreyian life forms. Many physical specifications and restrictions of Time Lords are shared by humans, making them ideal to travel with, as you don't have to wear an environmental bio-suit in the their presence.

I hope this guide to humans has proved useful for your everyday travels; if not, please tell me so. Thank you for reading.