Those Who Cheat Death

Death Note © Tsugumi Ohba/Takeshi Obata, Bleach © Tite Kubo

Author's Note: L and Ulquiorra, one and the same. Before I knew anything about Bleach, I saw Ulqui and thought that he looked an awful lot like L. Since actually watching/reading Bleach, my mind went spelunking in the weird way that it does, and I ended up with this fanfiction.

Until otherwise stated, Those Who Cheat Death is rated T.

Crossover/Comedy/Tragedy/Romance

Yaoi

. Suspicious Behavior .

Grimmjow remembered the weirdest thing he had ever seen Ulquiorra do.

For whatever reason, several of the Espada had designated a room for food storage in the palace of Hueco Mundo. They did not require sustenance, but that didn't mean shit to those Espada who were greedy for pleasure in the way of consumption. Eventually, they had ended up with a giant pantry filled to the brim with sweets and alcohol, and to everyone's fortune, Aizen-sama did not protest.

This, in itself, was not particularly surprising.

What was equally unsurprising was Ulquiorra's dismissal of the appearance of the sudden treat-filled-space. However, the fourth most powerful Espada's lingering glances at the door (on the rare occasion) were a little suspicious, yet Grimmjow let the fact that he had noticed Ulquoirra's unusual interest slip his mind entirely.

Boredom had Grimmjow on the prowl several weeks after the installation of the food locker. He crept through the halls, silent as a shadow, in search of something to stave a sudden craving. He approached the gigantor pantry, procured a six pack of cheap beer and began to make his way back to his personal quarters.

That was when he heard the sound.

It was odd enough to make Grimmjow stop in his tracks and frown. He followed his ears to the sound's place of origin, and leaned silently against a wall just beyond a door left ajar. At this angle, he could hear and even see into the room without being seen himself.

Grimmjow's eyes widened at the scene layed out before him.

Ulquiorra sat in a chair at an empty table, staring down a piece of strawberry cheesecake like it was the most worthless piece of shit he'd ever seen. The fourth Espada looked ridiculously furious and was muttering under his breath so quickly that Grimmjow couldn't make out anything he said.

A great deal of time passed.

In his elevating rage, Unlquiorra's voice eventually rose an octave or two, and his secret observer was able to hear some of what was being said, to which, he was rather shocked.

"You're just a disgusting morcel of human food and there is absolutely no reason why I should want you as terribly as I do. You exist for the purpose of pleasing those who are trash. You don't deserve my attention."

Grimmjow's mouth fell open into a small gape as Ulquiorra pulled a fork from the table-top and prodded viciously at the gooey strawberries that littered the surface of his treat, meanwhile holding the fork in a two-fingered, awkward grip.

"Strawberries, like that fool Ichigo, are so far below my existence that I should never have even had to lay my eyes upon them," Ulquiorra growled and neatly slice through the pointy end of the cake, taking a large chunk of cheese, crust, and gooey strawberry onto his fork. His eyes narrowed at the confection as he held it at eye level.

"The solution I have come to is completely ludicrous, but I can't seem to think of anything else, which annoys me to no end."

"Cheesecake," Ulquiorra continued seriously, "your existence must be removed slowly and inconspicuously."

Grimmjow damn near died from a fit of girlish giggles as his fellow Espada shoved the fork into his own mouth and made a sound that was unmistakably appreciative.

The fourth most powerful Espada swallowed his cheesecake and whispered passionately:

"Every night I will partake in this inane activity until your existence is completely and utterly destroyed."

Ulquiorra took several more hasty, messy bites of cheesecake, and made yet another bold delcaration.

"You are a formidable opponet, adversary. This is a battle that I will greatly enjoy."

Grimmjow nearly pissed himself in delight. This was perhaps the oddest, most hilarious behavior he had ever seen from the superior Espada. It might also become decent blackmail material one day. However, until then…

Grimmjow would ensure that they never ran out of cheesecake.