It's not khfans' fault, I swear. I came up with this idea on my own for once, ha, ha.

Please note that some characters are probably a little more out-of-wack than they normally are, but isn't that why this is called fan-fiction? Besides, I can still see some of them pulling these stunts off.

Couples: SoKai, RoxAminé, RikuXion (that's not just my mini-obsession bleeding through, although it gave me the idea to use those two), TerQua, ClErtih, implied CloTi, Mickey/Minnie, Donald/Daisy, Goofy/whoever Max's mom is, and the main two crack couples, . . . well, maybe I won't kill it all just yet. . . .

For khfans100, Rae, and Des, my classmates: thanks for your support and encouragement, even if it was through blackmail and puppy-dog faces, and thanks for the odd suggestions. While we're at it, thanks to my mom for telling me all of her evil plans that never reach fruition.

As always, enjoy!

"Axel, you know this isn't going to work, right?"

"Aw, come on, Venny," Axel grins, "don't you have any faith in me at all?"

"Not really," Ventus mutters under his breath, but the red-head either doesn't hear him or ignores him completely.

"Besides, we have to make this work. I already placed an order for our trophy – "

'What?! Why did you order a trophy?"

"For the M.V.P., Ven. The Most Valuable Player," Axel explains, raising his eyebrows.

Ventus groans, smacks himself in the face with his palm in advance, and tries to figure out how in the world he got himself into this mess.

It all starts with Riku and his emo attitude.

Well, it's always easier to blame it on Riku, since half the time he agrees with you, but technically it starts with Sora and Kairi, since Riku liked Kairi first and Xion was formed by Sora's memories of Kairi. This particular happenstance, however, really is all Riku's fault.

Riku's always been able to pick up the women, with that moody aloofness, ethereal hair, and calm confidence in himself. It's not really surprising that Xion falls hard for him, too. The difference is that this time, Riku fell even harder for her.

Moody aloofness kicks in . . . give it a sec . . . now. Of course Riku is going to be all-defensive when he finally catches on to the fact that he's falling in love, so he avoids Xion like she's the Black-Haired Plague, which leads to her following him more in an effort to figure out why, which results in Riku getting desperate (and slightly annoyed – can't a girl take a hint?!) – which results in the world's stupidest argument at breakfast about a month ago when Xion brings him a cup of coffee, in his favorite style, without even being asked.

Ven remembers that part very well, because he had the living crap scared out of him. Riku suddenly stood up and shouted, "Why the (H-E-double-hockey-sticks) are you following me everywhere?"

To which Xion retorted, "Why have you been ignoring me?!"

Riku's response: "Well, maybe if you were less annoying – "

Xion's answer: "Well, maybe if you would open up to your friends every once in a while – "

Riku: "Who said you were my friend?"

Xion: "You did, idiot, but then you wouldn't talk to me for two weeks – " Insert silent teardrops here.

And Riku, being the soft-hearted sap-for-Xion that he really is, couldn't stand to see her cry and rushed over to hug her, and in two minutes Xion was kissing Riku and Riku was kissing back.

And it all goes downhill from there.

Aqua and Terra, feeling somewhat responsible for these two through many different Keyblade Inheritance procedures, felt their hearts melting at the super disgusting sight and reached out for each other's hands, and Sora wraps an arm around Kairi's waist, and even Roxas – Roxas! Ven's practical twin! – puts a hand on Naminé's shoulder.

Ten minutes later, Axel and Ventus are the only two humans left in the room not making out with the person of their dreams. Veeerrry awkward. Mickey's gang was absolutely no help; Mickey and Donald watched with glazed-over eyes, probably day-dreaming about their loved ones at home,and Goofy presided over it all with a look that said, "Ah, young love."

Axel did his best to kill the moment with gagging noises. Not even that helped. It only ended with Yen Sid finally emerged to take control of his own tower, and everyone separated and untangled themselves and ate breakfast in undignified silence.

So, as you can see, it all starts because of Riku. And his involvement only gets deeper.

"Just play it cool, Venny," Axel says, winking at a fellow red-head, though of the female variety, as she passes by. She grins while Axel is looking, but the moment he turns away she wrinkles her face in disgust and hurries away. "What are you laughing for? That ain't going to help you much, pal."

"No reason," Ven says brightly. Axel doesn't believe him in the slightest, but he lets it go and turns back to the throngs packed in the Radiant Garden marketplace. Disadvantage of having a pure heart: everyone knows when you're lying; advantage of having a pure heart: even if everyone knows you're lying, you can get away with anything. "Have you seen anybody you like yet?"

"Ventus, my friend, I see a lot of girls I like. The question is, do I see any girls my type? Not yet."

"Wait a second – you've got a type?"

"Yep."

"Well, uh, what – ?"

"You'll see when I'm leading her back to our crash pad."

"Ooh, someone's confident. . . . Wait, we have a crash pad?! Dude!"

Axel suggests the idea first.

"Ventus, we're the odd men out. I mean, even Sora's beaten me to the punch, and now I'm all alone – "

"Hey, I'm in the same boat, y'know. We're both kinda left out here."

". . . I am not kissing you."

"What the – jeeze, Axel, that's just not right! I do not like you that way!"

"Then you'd best shut up. As I was saying, we're both all alone, so we oughtta work together to take care of that."

"What do you mean?"

"Like, we should form some kind of brigade – the Brigade of Eligible Bachelors – no, the Bachelor Brigade!" It's a bit scary to hear Axel come up with his own organization, especially given how he betrayed the last one.

"Right. And what would this 'Bachelor Brigade' do?"

"Pick up girls, of course! You can't tell me that, even without all the 'newly wedded' couples hanging around here – "

"Who got married?"

"Can you even define sarcasm, Ventus?"

"Yeah – oh. Go on."

"Don't you want a girlfriend, Ventus? Even if all your friends weren't paired off and taken?"

". . . Yeah, I guess. That would be nice."

"It'd be awesome. So, we could work together to get solid girlfriends – y'know, go hang at places and flirt with sisters or friends, go on double dates with some of 'em."

"Actually, that's not a bad idea, Axel."

"Of course it isn't. I came up with it. So whaddya say?"

". . . Let's do it."

". . . First order of business: educate you on innuendos. It is not cool if your potential girlfriend has the opportunity to burn you first."

"Hey, Axel – is that Selphie over there?" Ventus pipes up. He's never seen any one else in any world who can make their hair flip that dramatically besides Selphie.

"How should I know? I never saw her." Axel's eyes are narrowed, which, if Ven's allowed to point out, is killing their chances of asking anyone out worse than his own laughing did. Ven's going to guess that whatever kinda girl Axel is looking for isn't here yet.

"I think it is. I wonder how she got here . . . ?" Selphie hasn't seen their self-proclaimed alpha-base for the day, but she does happen to be walking in their direction.

Suddenly Axel perks up and turns to Ven with an evil grin. Oh, boy. "Why don't you go over there and ask her, Venny?"

"Wha–? Oh, wait, no – " Too late; Axel shoves him away just as Selphie passes them to go down a side street, and Ventus stumbles forward to run into the skinny girl.

"Oh my gosh!"

"Aah!" Ven at least manages to catch himself before he lands face-first in front of her, not that it does him much good, since Selphie's already giggling at him. "Oh, h-hey there!"

"Hey yourself," Selphie answers, batting her eyelashes outrageously. See, there's a reason why Ven started protesting when Axel suggested he go hang out with Selphie: Ven's seen many things through Sora's eyes, and Ven knows how big of a flirt she is. Not what Ven had in mind. If he had anything, that is. "Have we met somewhere? You seem awfully familiar."

"I, uh . . ." he can hear Axel laughing at him from here. "I'm a friend of Sora's," he offers.

"You know Sora? Hmm . . . wait, aren't you Roxas?"

"Not quite. He's my . . . my cous-brother."

"Um, excuse me?" Selphie laughs. "He's your 'cuz-brother'? Wait, is he, like, your brother AND your cousin?"

"No! He's my brother." Why, oh, why did he have to blush now?!

"Okay, whatever. I'm Selphie; I grew up with Sora."

"I thought I knew you from somewhere. My name's Ventus." Axel is coughing now, and Ven isn't sure if that's some kind of signal or him having an asthma attack from laughing his butt off at him. "So, um, do you want to go get an ice cream or something?"

"That sounds nice, Ventus."

"Just call me Ven."

Selphie even holds his hand as they walk over to the parlor.

Ven turns his head and sticks his tongue out at Axel as they pass by.

The problem with Axel's ingenious idea isn't the how, it's the where. Ventus is, and will admit to being, totally naïve when it comes to where single women like to meet, and while Axel knows the best hotspots in worlds, he has no idea what worlds the two of them would have the best luck in, having been completely unavailable for the past dozen years.

Remember that Riku has another part to play in this horrible fated venture, and that Riku has always been a very popular ladies' man.

Who else do the budding Bachelor Brigade go to but the guy they know with the best success?

"Why are you guys asking me? In case you haven't noticed, I'm in a serious relationship here," Riku asks impatiently.

Dang, Ven has to admit that Riku even sounds whipped. "Riku, come on, you had girls swooning left and right if you so much as lifted a finger in their direction," explains Axel, but Riku merely lifts an eyebrow.

"And? Why do you two need to know?"

"Because I'm damn lonely," Axel pleads. It was a good idea to have Axel do the talking; sure, Ventus can whine and get people to take sympathy on him, but Axel is a master of the technique, talking with his hands and using such dramatic facial expressions that you almost would have thought he was being recorded. "Riku, you wouldn't understand, you're in love. You're set for the rest of your life pretty much, with a girl like Xion. I want that, and Venny here wants that."

. . . .Ventus really doesn't like that nickname, but even he's smart enough to know not to interrupt Axel when he's on a roll of this magnitude.

"Look, all we really want to know is where you had the most girls trailing you like puppies, and we'll be on our way."

By this time, Riku has been smiling, and now he's chuckling at the desperation in Axel's speech. "Alright, alright, fine. Traverse Town used to be good, but it's deserted now – "

Impatient foot tapping from Axel.

" – So now you'll want to go to Radiant Garden. I think it has something to do with the flowers."

"Or it could be that it rains pink glitter there," Axel offers. "See? That wasn't so bad. Thanks, man,"

"Sure. Good luck."

"Yeah, you too."

As they exit the room, however, Axel flashes Ven a look that clearly reads mischief. "Three, two, one . . ." With that he turns around and flicks his wrist like he was holding a whip. "WHIPPED!"

Funnily enough, Riku turns red, but he turns away without saying anything in his own defense.

"So, uh, Selphie, how'd you end up in Radiant Garden?" Ven asks casually. This dating thing isn't too hard, or maybe he's just sensitive enough that girls tune into him. That's what Aqua had called him, sensitive, then she started going out with Terra, and now he sees neither of them. Anyway, he and Selphie were wandering the alleys of the City of Light, sea-salt ice cream bars (of course!) in hand.

"Oh, well, y'see, Kairi left town with Sora, and I've always wanted off the Islands, too, so I went with them in that weird ship they fly around. We stopped here, and then . . ." She sighs. "I saw him."

Well, that's just great. He's trying to ask out a girl who has someone else in mind! ". . . Met who?"

Selphie giggles and looks down, shuffling her feet awkwardly. "Oh, you don't really want to hear about that."

"Sure I do. I'm a good listener." Which is true.

"Oh, thank you, Ven!" she squeals. "His name's Leon, and he's simply gorgeous. He's tall, with long brunette hair, oh, and muscular, too!"

So . . . his exact opposite, then. Well, if this wasn't awkward. Maybe he should start walking back to the market, try again with someone else.

"But, I really like you, too. I mean, reaaaally like you, Ven." Selphie's warm hand is sliding into his free one as she speaks, and it's like her warmth seeps through his skin and rises up his arm through his veins and spreads throughout his entire system. It's fantastic.

"I . . . I really like you, too, Selphie," he stutters; Selphie swings their intertwined hands casually, like he's already asked her out, like, multiple times.

"That's great!" Her spring green eyes beam at him. "In that case, there's something I want to show you. Over here!"

"Wha–?" What does she want to show him? Out of nowhere Ven has a very bad feeling about all this. "Selphie – "

"Call me Selph, Venny."

There's that stupid nickname again. "Selph, maybe we shouldn't – "

"Oh, relax, it's nothing bad. It's right in here, at Tifa's house."

"You know Tifa?" Selphie's dragged him to a little house set in the stone walls of Radiant Garden, which he thought was Merlin's hose, but maybe this is a different street.

"Yeah. She's been trying to help me let go of Leon and find a nice boy . . . like you, Venny."

"Um, could you just – "

Ventus doesn't get the chance to tell Selphie not to call him "Venny," though, because when Selphie reaches the door, she promptly lets go of his hand and shoves his head down to hers – he is taller than someone, he'll have to tell Axel that –

Selphie is kissing him.

Whoa.

Now he sees what all the fuss is about. Sort of. 'Cause kissing is, actually, pretty cool, but it's weird; her mouth is open and his isn't, and it's not exactly working out as picture-perfect as he thought what in the world –

Oh. Maybe it would help if his mouth was open, too. Selphie just took care of that with her tongue.

This is nice. . . .

Selphie lets him go slowly and murmurs, "You've never been kissed by a girl before, have you, Venny?"

"Uh-uh." Ven couldn't form big words if he had the capacity to try.

"I didn't think so," she says smugly. "Why don't you just let me teach you . . ."

CRASH.

"Oh my God!"

Ven's Keyblade training is about to come in handy. He already has Selphie behind his body, and his hands are in front to summon a Keyblade without accidentally hitting her, but he can't see the causes of the disruption with all the rubble rolling across the street from a stone wall caving in beside the house. There's a patch of dark red fidgeting in the midst of the dust clouds, but that's all he can detect.

"Ow, ow! Damn it, Tifa, knock it off!"

"Axel?!" Huh, that explains the red swatch. "What's going on?"

When the dust thins, Axel is lying on the ground, one arm in front of his face and the other hand covering the area between his legs. Tifa is straddling his middle – Ven almost looks away to gag, but then she raises a fist and flat out punches Axel in the gut.

"OOF! Look, I can – ow! – explain! Ow!"

"Tifa! Tifa, stop! Hey!" Ven grabs Tifa's fist as she raises it, but she's very well-trained in self defense, obviously; her opposite elbow hits him viciously in the stomach. He lets go even more quickly than he grabbed her wrist.

"Were you in on this?" she shouts.

"In on what?!"

"This!" Tifa reaches over – without letting Axel up – and snatches a handle to . . . something.

Something gold.

Something with a square base attached to the bottom.

Something that looks awfully like a cup from the Coliseum.

Oh, no.

Here's the shortened version of what happened to Axel while Ventus was . . . indisposed.

After about ten, fifteen minutes, Axel attracted the attention of Tifa Lockhart – no, you don't need to get your eyes checked, 'cause you just read that right. The very-well-endowed Tifa Lockhart actually walked up to Axel and asked him if he wanted to grab lunch with her. Keep laughing, it just gets better.

After a long, somewhat-interesting conversation over lunch, in which he finds out that Cloud is now with Aerith, Tifa does, in fact, ask him if he wouldn't mind coming back to her house with her, to which he agrees pretty damn quickly. The street is empty when they pass through, so they keep talking, and by the time Tifa reaches Merlin's back door – wait, who's back door? – he's pretty sure he's not going to be single at the end of the day.

And then the delivery man arrives.

"Strife Delivery Service. Are you Axel? I've got a trophy here for you."

"Hello, Cloud," Tifa says quietly.

Oh, damn. Reeeaaally not good situation. Reeeaaally not good.

"Oh, it's done already? I didn't think it would be ready for a couple o' days," he stutters as Cloud shoves a box at him, looking at the ground away from Tifa.

"So, that's a trophy? What's it for, Axel?" asks Tifa, sidling over by him from the back door to just past the house.

"I, uh . . ." Damn, damn, damn, what sports was Lea good at? "I was a champion ultimate frisbee thrower when I was a kid – "

"Really? Cloud never was any good at that." Tifa wraps an arm around his. "But why are you getting it now?"

"It . . . needed to get restored." Cloud's giving him a slow-and-painful-death type of glare, and it's making him stutter where he could have at least talked straight.

"Well, take it out and let's see it!"

That's what she said. Literally. Focus! "Uh, I – I guess."

And damn, that trophy looks just the way he'd pictured it would when he ordered it. "Most Valuable Player" is etched gracefully into the name plate, and the gold of the goblet shines brighter than Venny's hair. Hell, even Cloud is mildly impressed by its awesomeness. Now, if only it was for ultimate frisbee.

"That's funny, Axel," Tifa murmurs in an odd tone, "there's not a date anywhere on this, and I don't see your name, either."

"It was a kid's league, they didn't put the name on before they presented it."

"But the year would have been here, at least. It doesn't mention ultimate frisbee anywhere one here, either. I thought you just got it restored? I would've put my name on it."

"Tr-trying to keep it as close to original as possible – "

"Why'd you quit playing, anyway?"

"I, uh, overthrew a disc once, put a muscle out in my arm. Never could aim straight again."

"So, you can't aim a frisbee very well anymore, yet your main weapon is a pair of chakrams that are even heavier than a plastic disc? I always thought your aim was impeccable when you threw those."

Cloud's shoulders are shaking, and part of his bottom lip has disappeared behind his teeth as he chuckles silently to himself.

"Cloud, do you remember an ultimate frisbee team when we were kids?" Tifa asks smugly. She's got him pinned now, and she's plainly toying with him. Damn. Cloud shakes his head.

"Tifa, I can explain," he starts.

"I think that would be a good idea, Axel," she croons, and suddenly her arm has his free hand pinned behind his back. "Why do you have a Most Valuable Player trophy if you're not the most valuable player?"

Needless to say, he spilled the entire story of the Bachelor Brigade. If Tifa Lockhart had you pinned in an extremely compromising position – not sexually, either, damn it all – wouldn't you? Cloud's laughter is less and less controlled as Axel goes on, and Tifa's face gets redder and redder in anger and . . . amusement?

"As much as I'd like to stay and watch you murder him, Tifa – " Cloud says.

"What?!" Axel shouts.

"I've got another job to finish. I'll be back to inspect the damage."

"Cloud, man, you aren't honestly gonna leave me here?" Cloud doesn't even answer him, just turns his back on him for the safe haven of the market. "You son of a bitch!"

And that's when Tifa kicks him through the wall.

Oh, no.

Ventus has absolutely nothing to say to the sight in front of him.

"I knew it, you are!" Tifa cries and flings the trophy with deadly accuracy at his head. Thanks goodness that Ven's the agile one in the group.

"Tifa, what are you going on about?" Selphie pipes up – Ven almost forgot about her in his terror. He can sense her lean down to pick up the cup, but he doesn't dare turn away and expose his back to Tifa. "'Most Valuable Player?' How'd you get that, Axel?"

"Oh, he ordered it," answers Tifa before Axel can say a word in his defense. "He's been playing me for a sap, and his little friend here is in on it."

"Hey, I never admitted that! Innocent until proven guilty!" Ven cries.

"Venny? Is that true?" Selphie gasps; the heartbroken tone in her voice guilts him into turning around despite Tifa. Sure enough, moisture is building up around her eyes, her lip is trembling, and her hands are pressed against her chest as if to ward off some unimaginable pain inside her.

"Well . . . Axel told me about the trophy, but I – "

"Thanks for your support, buddy," Axel groans, but Tifa shuts him up with another glare.

"Oh, Venny, how could you?" sobs Selphie, covering her face with her hands. "And to think, you were going to use me, too!"

"Huh? Hey, wait a minute – "

"No! How could you?" And suddenly there's a coiled jump rope in her hand – if this were a video game, he'd say that it appeared out of nowhere – and she stretches it out in the blink of an eye and swings one handle at his head. What is with girls and trying to hit him there?!

"Ah! Selph!"

"Don't call me that!"

"Ow! Selphie, hey, wait a sec – ah!" Selphie either can't here him or is just pretending he's mute and didn't say anything, and she chases him in circles around Axel and Tifa – duck, weave, and Dodge Roll is not a good style of defense this time around – until he falls over with non-masculine tears in his eyes and blood trickling down his cheeks from rather thin, rather tender cuts. He doesn't even have a chance to see if Axel's getting his butt handed to him as well.

"Aaaand . . . cut! Cut! Selphie, you can quit your fake revenge now!"

That was not Axel. Or Tifa. And definitely not Selphie. The owner of that voice is very obviously a guy . . . not that Axel isn't masculine in his own way.

With one last whistle of air ruffling Ven's spiked hair, the jump rope clatters to the stone alley. "Was that good, guys?"

"Plenty good, Selphie," a second, feminine voice calls, "but I think you scared Ventus half to death."

Ven takes a risk and glances up at Selphie from his fetal position on the ground. Selphie isn't even facing his direction now, isn't even holding her jump rope/whip-of-death. Instead, her head is upturned to converse with . . . he doesn't know who yet, so he cautiously lifts his head further and follows Selphie's faze.

"What the – ?!"

You have got to be kidding me.

Riku and Xion are standing at the top of the staircase opposite Merlin's front door, Riku in his traditional feet-apart, arms-crossed pose, Xion with her hands on her hips. "You can let my friend up," she tells Tifa, grinning as Axel splutters.

"What the hell – Xion, what're you – what's going on?!"

"Revenge," Riku answers.

"Oh, so you're so whipped that you talk for her, too?" Axel spits. Axel doesn't even notice that Tifa's risen until she nudges his rib with her foot and extends a hand to pull him up; growling, he pushes it away and forces himself up.

"That's actually why this happened," Xion says in her singsong voice, letting one hand drop to grasp Riku's. "You like to call my boyfriend 'whipped,' don't you?"

A couple of pieces are clicking together in Ven's head, albeit slower than a Creeper Nobody, and he still isn't quite sure how answering for someone else makes them whipped. It's like drowning a goldfish – are either of those even possible? "So, you're saying that you guys knew this was going to happen?"

"Yeah. After all, we set up your 'dates.' Which reminds me, Xion, did you bring the munny?"

"You bet." Xion lets go of Riku's hand to rummage around in her back pockets, and with a quick exclamation, she produces two cloth pouches and tosses one to each of the girls.

"Ooh, thanks, guys!" Selphie squeals, and she makes to take off for the market, then changes her mind and skips back to Ventus. "I'll see you soon, won't I, Venny?" Without waiting for an answer she pecks an unbloodied spot on his cheek, then twirls away and walks off.

"Thanks again, guys," Tifa says, cutting Axel's next indignant remark off. "I'm going back to the bar, help Cloud with the business. Hope you two get better soon!" Tifa leaves them as well, and Axel glowers at the black-haired girl above them.

"I can't believe you helped him, Xion."

"How does that saying go, Axel? 'A good friend gives you an umbrella in the rain, but a best friend takes yours and says, "Run, Forrest, run."' Or something like that." Xion smiles down at him, deceivingly benevolent. "Besides, I'm not the only person you should be mad at. Right, Roxas?"

"Right." Ven hears his own voice behind him, but when he and Axel glance behind them, no one's there. "Look up."

"Roxas, why?" Axel howls; Roxas, sitting on the wizard's roof with Naminé, just waves the hand not holding one of Pence's cameras and points at the bailey. From there, Sora waves, too, pressing a button on the camera he has positioned on top of the wall as Kairi bends over laughing.

"Don't forget us . . ."

"Venny!"

Ven knows those voices so well that he wakes up in the night if he hears them talking. With utmost dread he turns to the building opposite the bailey and stares up at Terra and Aqua, his face stretching into a horrified expression. Terra has a third camera in his calloused hands, and he's grinning like Ven thought he never would again, after all that's happened. At least that's a plus . . . sort of.

"Three different angles," Riku gloats, "and you two get your asses kicked from each of 'em."

Axel's comeback has been removed completely due to its extremely vulgar and graphic nature.

One week later, life is almost back to normal. Most of Axel's bruises have cleared or are clearing – except for a really nasty one on his lower stomach when Tifa was aiming for his "family jewels" but missed in her "blind anger" – and the majority of Ven's cuts have healed without leaving scars on his face. All the couples are smooching and playing footsie at breakfast, and again Axel and Ventus are all alone.

"Well, Ventus," Axel sighs, "I don't know about you, but I'm – "

"Ready to swear of women altogether? Me, too, it wasn't worth the humiliation last time." At least, Ven's about to swear off looking for a girlfriend and just leave it to chance and fate, like his original plan.

"Actually, I was going to say that I'm ready for round two. The Bachelor Brigade shall strike again! Whadda ya say?" Axel waggles his eyebrows and reaches for his coffee mug.

Ven groans and facepalms again, much like this time last week.

Here we go again.

As a completely random side note, I did hear about a way to "drown" a goldfish involving a bottle of vodka . . . Thanks to you for reading this to the end!