One day, Eliwood's Elite was hanging out on the beach in California. Why? Because this is an AU. SURPRISE! Anyway, the girls were in bathing suits and the guys were in swim trunks and everyone was doing their usual thing.

"What a glorious day to soak up rays and be young!" Eliwood crowed, looking sexy but ukeish in royal blue swim trunks. From afar, the shy and pale Ninian sat under an umbrella with Nils, both wearing netted robes over white modest swimsuits and a buttload of sunscreen so they wouldn't burn. Being albino sure does suck! She admired Eliwood and wished she could go have fun with him, but she was afraid because she and Nils were different from everyone.

"Imma jump in the ocean and fight some sharks!" yelled the manly Hector, wearing black swim trunks and being muscular. Hector is THE MANLIEST FE LORD EVER WHO EVERY FE LORD SHOULD ASPIRE TO BE. GOT IT, PUSSIES?

"Aaaah, this is the life!" Lyn sighed. She was wearing an emerald green two-piece and sporting a sexy tan that made all her love interests stop and stare. Even Vaida, whom she'd broken up with after the last fic, couldn't help looking.

Shy little Florina sat near her under an umbrella. She wore a modest lavender one-piece but was very shy and scared about being in her swimsuit in front of men, so she also wore a big flowery shirt, sunglasses, and a big floppy straw hat. She was secretly admiring Hector and being jealous of Lyn. And her sister Farina, who made a show of posing in her scandalously revealing bikini for all the boys.

"Florina can't swim, one time she almost drowned in the shallow end and cried like a hurt puppy for weeks!" the blue-haired brat said. Fiora, wearing a modest sundress, sandals and hat over a modest one-piece, glared at her.

"Stop being mean to Florina, you know how delicate she is! And that swimsuit is too revealing and you look like a whore! You are all so very immoral and wrong!" she scolded.

"I agree very much, Fiora," Kent said, wearing a flannel shirt to cover his exposed chest. Jeez, flannel on a beach, that's gonna be uncomfortable in a few hours. "They are all so improper and it's disgusting." As he said this he had quite a boner from looking at Fiora's bare arms. And Lyn in her bikini.

"Oh Kent, stop being such a boring stick in the sand! Girls in bathing suits are hot and I'm gonna sex 'em up!" Sain said in his usual pervy ways as he went around feeling up women and stealing their tops.

"SAIN! STOP THIS BEHAVIOR AT ONCE!" Kent roared, and Sain immediately recoiled and started wibbling.

"I'm sorry, Kent!"

In the background, Raven and Lucius were making out while Matthew stole people's wallets, Rebecca and Lowen worked the grill cooking up a storm, and Rath didn't say anything because he's boring and emotionless.

"YAAAAAAY THIS IS SO COOL AND FUN I'M ON A SUGAR HIGH WHO WANTS TO HAVE A SANDBALL FIGHT?" Wil and Serra crowed.

"Serra, you're annoying and everyone hates you, and your ass looks fat in that pink bikini," Erk said meanly as he huddled under his own umbrella and continued to read.

"OH ERK YOU JUST NEED TO HAVE FUN!" Serra grabbed him, yanked his cape off and tossed him in the pool. Yes, the beach has its own pool.

Erk sputtered and stared longingly towards a certain flame-haired beauty. Priscilla was wearing a green and white bikini and all the boys were staring. Like, what a whore! Well, that's what a jealous bitch would say because seriously, Priscilla's hot. Suddenly, Serra ran up and groped her from behind.

"Erky's mine so you're not allowed to talk to him anymore!" she said meanly. Priscilla and Serra then had a catfight which led to making out. Needless to say, the girls decided they didn't need Erk anymore. Guy ended up rescuing Erk and the two became BFF.

Amidst the chaos, Vaida was glaring at everyone in disgust. She wore a skimpy bikini and glared at all the men who ogled her while stealing longing glances at Karla. NOT THAT WAY YOU PERVERTS! Okay, maybe a little that way.

"Can we have some semblance of order here?" Marcus asked boringly. Everyone ignored him.

"Sounds like they need to read a copy of The Manual of BEACH PARTY PROWESS!"

Everyone turned around as Wallace charged onto the scene in his Speedo. Flexing like a madman. While manly backbeats blared in the background. Because he is Wallace.

"SIR WALLACE?" Even the stoic ones boggled over the sight before them. Because Wallace in a Speedo is that epic. Suddenly, Hector just doesn't seem quite as manly as he did before. Poor guy.

"WHAT'S EVERYONE STANDING AROUND FOR? LET'S CANNONBALL!" he yelled, clamboring up the high dive.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU FLESH-COLORED KETTLE OF STUPIDITY?" Vaida screamed.

"FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS, SNAKEWOMAN!"

Wallace then proceeded to perform the manliest cannonball in the history of cannoballs, which was awesome and soaked everyone within a twenty-mile radius. It was that manly. Unfortunately, the sheer epicness of this cannonball caused poor Ninian to fall in the pool and flail uselessly.

"NINIAAAAAAAAN!" Eliwood dove into the pool to rescue her. She was even paler than usual when he surfaced with her in his arms, and had fainted.

"Oh noes! She's not breathing! Someone call an ambulance, give her some air!" Everyone fussed over the distressed damsel until Eliwood told them to STFU.

"I'll give her CPR!" Surely his magical psuedo-kiss would save her! But as he lowered his lips to hers, Ninian's eyes suddenly snapped open and Eliwood got a face full of water.

"Gotcha!"

(Bet ya didn't see THAT one coming, did you?)

THE END!