Chapter 13

Confessions

Shock was the only word to describe how I was feeling now. There had been so many things going through my head on what would happen when Edward stepped out into the meadow. Deep inside I was still convinced he would burst into flame, which made me a bit nervous as he took that tentative first step. I reasoned that he wouldn't be doing this if he thought it was going to hurt in anyway. It was the only thought that stopped me from running to him, the only thing that kept me planted as his body was bathed in sunlight.

I didn't expect this, though. He stood in front of me, staring down into my eyes. His body glistened and shined. His bare skin literally sparkled.

I held my hand out but didn't touch him. I wanted to ask him how it could be possible for his skin to do this, but my mouth wouldn't form words.

"Now you know," he said, breaking the silence.

I let out a shaky laugh. I couldn't help it. This just couldn't be real. "You can't be real."

He scoffed, giving me a sad look. "I thought you'd be half way to your truck by now."

"Stop underestimating me," I said. I hated how he perceived me. I wasn't a frightened little girl. "Is that why you wanted to show me this, because you thought it would scare me away?"

A breeze ruffled my hair around my face, and the clouds moved over blocking the sun. Just like that Edward was back to normal.

He moved away from me. "A part of me wanted you to run, yes," he said honestly. "Another part of me just wanted to be able to show you… to let you see the real me."

I sat next to him, drawing my knees up and resting my chin on them. He looked forlorn, and suddenly all I wanted was to comfort him. He stared at the ground plucking blades of grass absently. Slowly I put my finger on his cheek and stroke the smooth surface. It was the first time I had done so.

He sighed and leaned into me. I caressed his cheek with my hand, and he closed his eyes. "Thank you," he breathed. "I was afraid you'd leave. It would have broken my heart."

I remembered the many times I thought he would disappear. I knew how he felt. I was still afraid he'd vanish. A world without Edward would be pointless. I see now that I could never survive without him, it scared me to realize how much I loved him. He had become so important. So ingrained into my heart, if he left he'd leave me broken. "I couldn't leave if I wanted to."

He smiled, his golden eyes staring deeply into mine. "I've hid for so long," he said softly. "But it's never bothered me. Not once did I crave human company. Until you."

A quick chuckle escaped my lips, and his eyes narrowed warily. "I'm not laughing at you," I said feeling the need to explain. "It's just that you and I are a lot alike."

"How so," he said still staring at me through narrowed eyes.

"Well, I've always been alone. I took care of my mother, because she needed me. That didn't leave much room for a social life, you know. But it never bothered me. I didn't care that people ignored me. Sometimes I actually preferred it that way." He pursed his lips like he wanted to say something, but remained quiet. "But when I met you, I didn't want to be alone anymore."

He reached over and tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear. "For what it's worth I don't want you to be alone anymore either."

Our faces were close now, mere inches away. I could see every curve of his face, the intense golden color of his eyes. We both looked up as the clouds parted once more, and his skin came alive with small prisms of light. How could this creature be here with me? Any second I was going to blink and he would disappear.

"I'm so afraid," I confessed.

He stiffened, and pulled away, misunderstanding. I tried to explain quickly, "I'm not afraid of you. I'm afraid of losing you."

Edward looked up at my words. He cupped my face in his hands gently, "you'll never lose me."

My eyes filled with tears. I wish I could believe that. "Then why do you get that look sometimes, like you're about run far away?"

"You wouldn't understand," he told me dropping his hands from my face. That hurt me. Because he hadn't denied it. I hadn't imagined that expression on his face. Anything would have been better than him telling me this. He could have told me I was being paranoid, or ridiculous. I need him to deny my accusation, to prove me wrong. But he hadn't, and that left me thinking I was the reason he felt that way.

I stared at him incredulous, because the hurt had led the way for anger. "I wouldn't understand!" I rose. "Why do you assume I wouldn't understand? You think you know it all, Edward. How about you have some faith in me? Try me?" I turned my back to him, not giving him the pleasure of seeing the tears that cascaded down my cheeks.

All of a sudden I felt Edwards arms wrap around my waist. He pulled me into him and whispered softly in my ear. " Bella, I never want to be the reason for your tears."

I clenched my teeth together, suppressing the sob that was threatening to break through.

"I've got to make you understand," he said. "I wish I could explain it better."

I reached over to stroke his neck, but found that I was alone again. His touch still lingered on my skin, but he now stood over by the trunk of a tree.

"I wish I could be what you need. But I'm not," he said. I noted the disgust and self-loathing that crept into his voice.

"Let me put it in a way you understand. You're the fly… and I'm the Venus fly trap."

I knew he was trying to tell me that I was his natural food source. That he wasn't right for me, that we weren't the same. But the mental picture that came to my mind at his words were as far from the plant metaphor as you could get. For some weird reason I thought of the flames at the La Push campfire. But it all finally made sense. "Like the blue flames," I whispered to myself.

"The blue flames?" Edward asked confused.

I smiled ruefully. "When I was in La Push, Mike showed me how to make a driftwood fire. The flames were blue, and I remembered being captivated by the beauty. I wanted so much to reach in and touch them, all the while knowing I'd get burned." I looked up then. "The fire drew me in." I walked over to Edward and put my hands around him. "I wasn't oblivious to how dangerous fire could be, but I wanted to touch it anyway, not caring." I lifted my eyes to his face. "You're my blue flames."

"It's not the same thing, Bella," he said, unwrapping himself from my embrace.

"Probably not," I told him. "But the only thing I know is that I want to be with you. Only you, despite what you are. I know it may sounds stupid to you, but it's how I feel."

"I wish I had the strength to leave and never come back," he said. "I should leave, it would be better for you if I disappeared."

"I don't want you to leave," I said. There was a lump in my throat as I tried to swallow. He continued to hurt me. Didn't he realize what going away would do to me? That wasn't even an option anymore. The hurt was making me irrational. I wanted to hurt him back. "You should have stayed gone when you left the first time! Then I wouldn't have fallen in love with you!" I clamped my hand over my mouth at the words that had come out.

"You love me?" he stared at me open mouth.

I turned around, shielding myself from his eyes. My sudden outburst made me embarrassed and angry. Both emotions surge through me like a wave. Now he would leave for sure. Vampire or not he was a man, and the word love seemed to be taboo with the male gender for some unknown reason.

"Please don't love me," he said agonized. I turned around to see he had knelt on the ground clutching his neck with both hands.

"Why?" I asked. I stepped to him, but in the blink of an eye he was gone. My eyes turn every which way trying to spot where he had vanished.

"All I've wanted since the first day I met you has been to kill you," he said. The pain was evident in his voice. And that small fact wounded me. The problem is I couldn't comfort him now. I didn't know how, and that knowledge made the pain unbearable for me. "Kill me?" I asked confused.

"I've never in all my time as a vampire smelled someone more appetizing," he said. "It's driving me crazy. It's taken all the control I have just to be around you. I need you, and abhor you at the same time."

My breath was coming in gasps. His voice came from everywhere, and nowhere. It was as if he was constantly in motion. I wouldn't be normal if I said I wasn't scare. The part of me that was rational needed me to run, but there was a glitch in my brain that wasn't letting the rational part through. It was actually holding it off. Leaving me planted to the spot.

"There have been times where I have almost given in," he said. "That one time at school, when you came in. It was like being hit in the head with a mallet." He walked behind me, and I whirled around, my hand on my heart.

"That's why you acted that way," I said in a whisper.

"I wasn't expecting you," he told me. "It was as if I was being punished for something. In that singular moment… I hated you."

The look in his eyes that day, his nostrils flaring, and the way he stared, it all made sense now.

"I spoke to my siblings about it," he told me. "Emmett seemed to be the only one to understand what I was going through." He clenched his fist, and pursed his lips at the memory.

"It doesn't look like it went all that well with Emmett," I said. My body was vibrating slightly. My brain was probably registering the "fleeing" instinct now.

"I will never hurt you, Bella," he said.

And despite all that he said about wanting to kill me, and plotting my murder in his head. I trusted him completely. I knew deep in my heart that he wouldn't hurt me. His strength and self-control emanated from him. That's when I notice just how strong Edward really was, not physically, but deep inside. His inner strength was admirable.

He gave a dry chuckle, moving closer to me. "It's so funny," he said staring vacantly over my shoulder. "I thought I had gotten away from you, and then there you were, standing in the door of that tiny office, your scent wafting in with the breeze. I went through every curse word in the English language and some in French, Austrian, Chinese, and Russian too."

I knew I should have left without handing in that stupid slip, I thought to myself. "I had to return my attendance slip," I said apologetic.

"I know," he told me. "I hid on the building, and watched you get in your car. In my mind I reasoned that if you were put before me twice, then you were meant to die."

"What happened, then?" I asked. Why in gods name am I questioning the reason why he left me alive! I must have gone crazy.

"I saw you crawl on your seat, and start to cry," he said. The little mental breakdown was pretty horrific. My face grew hot as I thought about it. "But then you righted yourself, and you wiped your tears off. The look of determination on your face was unbelievable. That was the reason you are alive right now. If you could do that, then I could too. I was determined to keep you alive, and so I left."

"Where did you go," I asked. My legs were failing now, after standing for so long. He sat down on the grass again, and I mirrored him but still kept my distance a little. I'm sure he thought it was because I was scared of him, but the truth was that I didn't want to make him uncomfortable.

"To Alaska, we have friends there that share… our beliefs."

I may be digging myself a hole here, but the curiosity was overwhelming my survival instinct. "What made you come back?"

"Anger," he told me. "I was angry at myself for being so damn weak. For letting you destroy me. Take away my home, and part me from my family."

"I'm sorry," I said, despite the fact that I had nothing to apologize for. It was stupid of me to say that, it wasn't like I chose to smell good for him, weird as that sounds.

"You've nothing to apologize for," he said. "It made me start thinking. What if instead of a punishment I thought of you as a test. It would take everything I had in me to not kill you, but it would make me stronger. I figured that you couldn't take me by surprise again because I knew now that your smell was stronger."

"The day you came back I swear I almost didn't go to class," I told him honestly.

"I know," he said with a smile. "You were green." He crossed his arms across his chest. "I thought you were going to have a heart attack right in the middle of the cafeteria."

"Ha, funny!" I said sarcastically.

"I can't lie and say I wasn't nervous too," he told me. "I almost chickened out. I thought it was a fluke that I couldn't read your thoughts that first day at school. But I quickly discovered that it wasn't. I couldn't read your thoughts, period and that made me uneasy. I had to get my information the old fashion way, I asked. It was intriguing to see if after sometime I could break down your barrier, but I wasn't able too, and then I just used you to clear the voices in my head."

Great, I was a human thought shield. That definitely makes a girl feel sexy.

"If it's any consolation, I tried to convince you to leave Forks and go back to California.

I remembered the hint of desperation in his velvety voice that first time we talked.

"But you were interesting, and easy to talk to. I like the way you seemed to have your heart on your sleeve, anyone with a pair of eyeballs could see right through you, but that only made you more interesting still, because I couldn't see the reason behind your decisions. I wanted to know more about you. You captivated me."

I blushed again. The whole time he talked the sun shown brightly on his pale skin, making it glimmer.

"Is it sad that I was excited to go back to school just so I would see you, and talk to you again." He laughed. My lips pressed together trying to suppress a laugh too. It had been the same way I felt. His eyes grew hard as he continued though. "Then there was that accident."

Thanks to Edward I wasn't crushed to death by Tyler's blue van. I felt the goose bumps on my skin as I remembered the squealing of the tires, the trajectory of that massive vehicle, heading straight towards me. Then I remember the look on Edwards face, he was horrified.

"All I kept thinking was there must be a way to save her," he said softly, almost as if he were speaking to himself. He huffed and smiled up at me. "My family was furious. Afterwards I was shocked at what I'd done, I couldn't believe I had betrayed them, and our secret."

"That's why you got so mad when I asked you about it at the hospital," I breathed in understanding.

"I didn't know you," he told me. "I had no idea how you would react. It could have gone any number of ways. But again you surprise me. You pointedly said you weren't a gossip, that you wouldn't tell anyone."

"The secret wasn't mine to tell," I told him.

He looked at me, his gold eyes as shimmery as his face. "I must admit, had I been in your shoes… I don't know if I could have kept the secret. My siblings' thought we should take care of you…" he shrugged. "Sorry," he said as I shivered. "But I wasn't going to let them hurt you. I almost killed Rosalie," he confessed. "I had blind faith in you."

I could only imagine what had gone through his family's heads when Edward refused to kill me. My body grew cold just knowing that I was one decision away from death. I wondered what was going through his mind now. Why did he continue to hurt himself like this?

"I don't understand why you keep hurting yourself?" The question was mostly out of curiosity, I need to understand why he didn't just end my life and end his suffering as well. It was a stupid way of stating the question, almost as if I was asking "why don't you kill me already?" But there must have been a reason, and I was curious enough to want to know what it was.

"Why would you ask me that?" he asked me. There was hurt in his voice. "You life is worth so much, Bella." He hung his head, and he scrunched his eyes as if he had a horrible headache. "Life is a beautiful thing. I've been around so much death. I wouldn't be the reason for your smiles to fade, the sparkle in your eyes to die out, it would eat me alive inside. I would never forgive myself."

He was trying to say something significant but he seemed to be holding back.

"You already know I'm yours," I said looking directly into his eyes. "I love you." For the second time today I was laying my heart open. Girding myself for the impending rejection that was forthcoming.

"Yes," he said. "And I told you-"

"I don't care what you say," I told him, interrupting his words. He didn't understand me, or my feelings.

He stared at me fixedly. His eyes seemed to dissect me, inspect deep with me, trying to detect something. I turned away, sick of feeling like I was under a microscope. I felt as he came to me. He placed his hand on the side of my face and turned it towards his. I caught the full impact of his features, and it made my heart want to break. His eyes looked sad, but resigned. His mouth turned up in a small smile.

"And so the lion and the lamb fell in love," he said.

Despite the fact that he still referred to me as food, I couldn't help but smile. In his way he was telling me he love me too.

"That's one stupid lamb," I told him, going along.

"Talk about a sick, masochistic lion," he said, and that's when his smile died on his face, and mine died there too, because no matter how much we joked it would always be the same. He would crave me, and not in good way. I would always cause him pain.

Without thinking I reached out and ran my hands over the planes of his chest. His body was muscular, and defined without being overly obvious. I was marveling in the feel of my hands on him, when I looked at his face. It was frozen, his eyes glazed over as if he was looking somewhere else. I jolted my hand back, but he caught it in his, and brought it back to his chest, over his heart. "No, it's okay," he gasped. "I've had time to get used to this."

This would be how our relationship would have to be, I thought miserably. And I would have to get used to it.

"I'm sorry," I told him. "What do you need me to do?"

"Just stay still," he said holding my hand over his heart.

I did what he wanted me too. My own heart throbbed in my ears, and the silence engulfed us. The only sound came from the swaying of the leaves in the trees.

He slowly lifted my hand over to his nose, and smelled my wrist, then skimmed his nose up my arm and inched closer to me. When he reached my neck, he buried his cool face into it, and a sigh of pleasure escaped his lips. We stood like that for a minute. I wanted to hold him to me, but remained completely still, per his instructions. Then he did something I hadn't expected, he ran his nose up my neck and along his chin, and skimmed his lips over my own. He captured my lower lip with his own and I felt my eyes grow wide before they fluttered close. He ran his hand through my hair, tangling his fingers into the strands, and pulled me closer. I was more than happy to accommodate myself for this purpose.

His soft lips coaxed mine and I found it impossible to remain still any longer. My arms wrapped themselves around his shoulders, and my hands found themselves snaking their way up his neck and into his hair. I had completely lost all control of my body. I heard a groan but whether it was from him or me I wasn't sure. Probably a combination of us both, one loud sound shared between us. I leaned into his body, and crawled over to straddle him. He continued to kiss me, but something had change. The sweetness that he had begun with at the beginning of the kiss had slowly transformed into to something darker.

I was skirting the lines between good and bad, and I knew this, but I just couldn't stop.

He turned us around somehow and I found myself on my back, with him over me. His lips were insistent but he never deepened the kiss. I needed to feel more of him, to taste more than his lips. He was driving me crazy with want.

His hands circled my waist as he leaned into me, giving me a little more each time. Then I did something that I would probably consider stupid for the rest of my life. I poked out my tongue and ran it the length of his lip. It was as if someone had thrown a bucked of cold water on us, his hands on my waist tightened to the point I felt he would break my hipbone. His body started to tremble uncontrollably. I broke the kiss and screamed in pain, and he shot off me so fast it was as if I had been by myself the whole time.

"Edward?" I called out. I heard a loud crash and then saw a distant tree tipped down and fall to the ground with a horrible crunch sound.

He was near another tree, holding on to it with both hands. "I'm sorry!" I heard him shout.

I rushed to him, but he ran away from me. "It's okay," I said stopping. "I'm okay."

"Really?" he said. My hips felt a bit sore, and I would probably have two hand prints bruised into them but I could still walk if that's what he meant.

"Yeah," I said. "I'm perfect."

He walked towards me. "All this time of being with you, and I choose now to freak out."

"Are you alright?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said. "I just wasn't expecting…"

He wasn't expecting my hormones to go out of whack.

I hung back, nervous that he didn't want to me to get close. "Come here," he said gently. I walked to him, no hesitation.

He held me in his arms. "It won't be like that next time, I promise." I nodded but felt gloomy. Despite the little slip up at the end, I didn't want it to be any different. I put my cheek against his chest, and closed my eyes. I heard a soft, thud, thud. Slow but present. "Your heart beats slow."

He smiled. "Yeah, slower than a yours but it beats."

We stood like that for what felt like hours. I was hearing his heartbeat, and he was conditioning himself to my smell. I'm not sure what we looked like to an outsider, probably a normal couple holding each other. But in that instant I felt we were much more. We were two souls that had travelled a long way to get where we were now.

It had gotten late as we stood there together in that meadow. The sun was shining behind the trees, framing them in a halo of orange and purple. The wind whipped my hair back and forth and wrapped me in it's a cold embrace. I dreaded the ride back through the woods.

Edward propped me on his back again and this time I didn't stop to think, I buried my head in his shoulder and closed my eyes tight. In what felt like an even shorter time than before, Edward slowed down, and I opened my eyes to see my truck a few meters ahead.

"Can I drive?" Edward asked me as I slid off his back.

I nodded, because I didn't know if I could drive with the way I was feeling right now.

He drove slow knowing our time together was coming to an end, so unlike this morning. My ridiculously old radio didn't get reception our here, so we drove in silence. The road was empty, only darkness surrounding us. He was at ease, one hand on the steering wheel and one on the seat. This truck and him, belong. And in that minute, I wanted to feel like I belong too, with him and to him. I reached over and took his hand in mine. He looked down at our joined hands, and smile. I laced my fingers with his and kept them like that during the long drive back to Forks. We belonged.

Please, please review, thanks.

Had a debate with my husband about whether I should make him sparkle. Sparkles won. Yes, Edward has a heartbeat, a slow one but one none the less. I don't know how well it holds up to the original, but I hope that you guys liked it and that flowed well with the previous ones.