Jacob and Edward? Together? Oh goodness the wrongness in that, the absurdity, the absolute irrationality … I must try it!

Yes, I can't believe I'm doing this either but *cackles maniacally* here goes! Enjoy!

As usual I do not own any of Stephanie Meyer's work, solely the plot to this story.

Jacob's face fell into his palms, an outward groan escaping muffled lips as Renesmee rubbed comforting circles over his upper back. Her warm hands felt good on his bare skin, a soothing sensation that rippled through his body and down to his toes.

But it did nothing to quell his frustration.

"And you've done everything you think that might possibly help?"

Renesmee gave her grandmother a hopeless expression. Jacob looked pained as he answered. "Yes, Esme. All that's left is for me and Nessie to go right in front of her and start having se—"

"Jacob." Edward immediately growled. He eyed him threateningly, the mere idea undoubtedly sending the pack leader's mind into a realm of forbidden fantasies.

Renesmee and Jacob had the decency to look embarrassed. He quickly continued. "Sorry, sorry, make love—not that we're going to do that anytime soon, of course. I'm just saying that even then, Mary Sue just doesn't get it!"

"Who's Mary Sue?" Rosalie walked into the sitting room, eyebrows raised in question. She sat on the armchair of Emmett's current seat.

Jacob looked up with a wry smirk. "A miniature you, actually, but in human form."

Rosalie barely glanced at him before turning to Renesmee. "Explain, please."

Renesmee sighed, removing her hands from Jacob's back and settling alongside him on the couch. "She thinks the world of herself," she cast Rosalie an apologetic glance, "which I couldn't care less for except—"

"She's infatuated with Jacob." Finished Edward.

Rosalie looked appalled for a second. "And you're comparing her to me? I would never—"

"Not the point, Rose," muttered Edward.

She merely waved a hand in dismissal. "So ignore her. She's just a human after all. I'm sure you could avoid her if—"

"But that's the thing!" cried Renesmee. "She changed her schedule so that now she has every class with us, she sends him letters, and pictures—"

"Inappropriate pictures …" Jacob added with a frown.

"And she's always around! I even saw her lurking around La Push last Saturday. Even when Jake and I are—"

Edward cleared his throat, narrowing his eyes at the two. Renesmee blushed slightly.

"Well when Jake and I are with each other. It's gotten to the point where I'm ready to pack up and move to China if I have to!"

Bella, who hadn't said a word until yet, gave her daughter a reassuring smile. "Now, Nessie, we'll figure something out. I don't think such drastic measures are—"

"But it's driving me insane, mom. And Jake too. We're up to our wits end and we don't know what—"

And then Emmett started laughing. Hard. The sofa shook as his laughter grew louder and more rambunctious, his shoulders heaving rapidly with the thought that had crossed his mind. Everyone turned to look at him in surprise. Renesmee frowned, irritated. As petty and high school-ish as their problem was, it was still a problem. Surely Emmett could see how important it was to come up with a solution.

Suddenly Edward stood up, a vivid snarl erupting onto his lips. In the blink of an eye he was at Emmett's side, grabbing hold of the bigger vampire and hauling him to his feet. The others reacted immediately.

"Edward, what are you doing?"

"Let him go, Edward, I'll rip your arms off."

"Emmett stop laughing, you're only making it worse!"

"Daddy, what's going on?"

"You know, Edward, it's not a bad idea."

All glances shifted towards the small, black-haired vampire. She was gazing at Edward pensively, her eyes glassing over slightly. And despite Edward's iron grip, Emmett continued to chuckle, though it was a great deal softer than before.

"Alice, please. You can't possibly agree with—" Edward started.

"Well, I'm not sure of the outcome yet, considering you're so against it now, but think about it Edward. It might be just the thing to get Mary Sue out of Nessie and Jake's business."

"No, Alice. It's ridiculous and—"

Rosalie looked annoyed. "What exactly are you guys talking about now?"

Edward glared at Emmett and Alice, but seeing as how there was two of them and only one of him—

"Emmett thinks Edward should pose as Jacob's boyfriend."

Several pairs of eyes widened significantly. Jacob looked horrified. "I'm sorry, but what? Jasper, I think you need to knock her in the head or something."

Alice pursed her lips but chose to ignore the comment. "Think about it. In this way, Mary Sue will know she has no chance whatsoever with Jake. Not if he's into guys."

For a stunned silence no one spoke. And then—

Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper burst into unabated sniggers. Even Carlisle and Esme seemed to be struggling to hold in their laughter. Jacob and Edward eyed each other in disgust, and Bella and Renesmee eyed their respective partners nervously. They were obviously considering the idea.

Edward was still shaking his head. "No. There has to be another way. And besides, why would it have to be me—"

"Because you're the male that's most around Nessie and Jake at school. We know it's because you're keeping an eye on them but the students don't. Plus Emmett's too big, it would have to look legit and you fit the perfect description of a pretty boy with the bigger alpha male." Alice replied curtly.

Emmett was laughing as if he couldn't breathe. Rosalie was near the same condition.

"You're forgetting Jasper." Edward countered angrily. He'd made his way back towards Bella's side, as far away from Jacob as possible.

Alice smiled impishly, but answered matter-of-factly. "Jasper's off-limits."

"That's not a valid reason, Alice."

"Oh!" Her grin broadened and she laughed. "Don't worry, Nessie. I just saw the future and it's going to work."

Edward looked furious. "But I haven't even agreed—"

"Oh but you will!" Alice trilled.

"I will not! I swear it to you I won't commit such blasphemy!"

Edward sunk his head into the soft hollow of his wife's neck. If he could have sobbed, he would have.

"I can't believe I'm doing this …"

"You'll do great, Edward."

"Aren't you opposed to this at all? Jealous even a bit?"

Bella laughed musically. "Well, I will admit I don't enjoy the thought of you getting comfortable with another person. But," she chuckled more, clearing her throat to neutralize it somewhat, "I think I'll take my chances with Jake."

Edward groaned, eyeing the school beyond the trees with a look of pain. He could already see Jacob and Renesmee arriving from the left entrance. She got out of the car and feigned a long stretch whilst Jacob combed a hand through his hair. He was frowning. It was the cue.

"Bella, I've done lots of things. Dangerous and terrible. But this will be my greatest conquest yet."

"I know, love." She gave him one last chaste kiss before cupping his cheek affectionately. "But right now it's show time."

Jacob gulped as Edward approached. He knew the plan, knew the motions, all he had to do was enact them. He knew how to put on a show, he'd been the highlight of his first grade Thanksgiving play after all.

Yeah, but something tells me this is going to be a lot harder than gobbling like a turkey …

"Oh hey, Bella!" Renesmee squealed beside him. He glanced around and spotted the reason for this nightmare: head of the cheerleaders and popular girl number three, Mary Sue Jones.

"Nessie! How was your weekend? Oh, hey Jake."

Jacob gave a nervous smile. "H-hey, Bells—Bella."

Bella gave him a mischievous wink, whilst Renesmee pat him on the arm briefly. I love you, Jake. Give her the show of a lifetime. "So, interesting weekend, huh Jake?"

Mary Sue was already making her way over towards them, her curls bouncing in sync with each step she took, among other things. It was time to perform. Jacob gave his best imitation of a flirty smile. "Yeah, it sure was. So sorry about the whole thing, Ness. I had no idea," he turned the shameless grin towards Edward—who smiled forcefully back—"until now that is."

Edward took a step forward so that they were shoulder to shoulder. He could hear Mary Sue's thoughts getting closer. Nonchalantly, he placed his arm around Jacob's shoulder.

Too casual! Make it more sensual!

He fought the glare that was, for once, making its way towards his beautiful wife. Pushing down an unnatural urge to hurl, he lowered his arm so that it settled onto Jacob's bulging biceps instead, moving his hand lightly across the length of it for better demonstration. Behind them nearby Mary Sue's thoughts stopped abruptly. Is Edward Cullen … feeling him up?

He could tell by Bella and Renesmee's identical grins how much they were actually enjoying this charade. He had half a mind to call the entire thing off right there and then. Fortunately the bell rang.

The cheek! Kiss him on the cheek!

Edward resisted rolling his eyes. Yeah right …

"Hey, so, how about I walk you to class, Jake?" Edward said loudly. He knew Mary Sue was within hearing distance.

"R-really?" Jacob responded nervously. Edward shot him a quick look, one that clearly said: 'you've got to do better than that!'

He searched frantically for words, lifting his own hand and playfully punching Edward on the cheek. "I'd love that, you—you sweet thing, you."

Mary Sue frowned. Are they joking? No matter, they're coming this way. "Hi, Jake!"

Both men froze as the blonde, cheerleader closed the remaining steps and practically threw herself onto Jake's immobile form. Renesmee growled behind them. Do something, daddy!

Edward laughed handsomely. "Hey there, Mary Sue." He seamlessly, pried her off of Jacob's torso, stringing his arm through the others at the same time. "Sorry, but this one's taken."

Mary Sue looked baffled. She noticed Renesmee passing by and cast her a suspicious glance. When she simply walked by towards her classroom, however, she turned the same puzzled expression towards the two boys in front of her. "Wait, I thought—"

"Sorry, Sue, got to run. Come on, Edward." They turned and continued down the hallway in the other direction.

"You sweet thing, you?" spoke Edward, so quiet so only Jacob could hear.

"You try coming up with something better!" Jacob hissed back.

Edward shook his head. "You're a terrible actor, you know that?"

"Did I tell you how especially stinky you smell today?"

"It's a step up from wet dog."

"Oh so we're back at that are we? Well you smell like a—ow!"

Edward pulled their entwined arms closer so that the length of their side was pressed against each other. He put on a dashing smile, muttering under his breath. "Stop sulking. Mary Sue's best friend, straight ahead."

Jacob fell into character immediately, turning to face Edward with a mocking flutter of his eyelashes. "Want to know what's keeping me going right now?"

"Stop it, Jacob."

Jacob used his other hand to stroke down Edward's visible arm. "Sure thing, sweetheart, oh here's your class."

Edward turned a suddenly blazing glare into Jacob's face. "I was supposed to walk you to your classroom, sweetheart."

At that moment the bell rang. Jacob cast him a broad grin. "Seems the fates have spoken. Besides, I'm bigger than you, I get to be the man in the relationship."

Fortunately for Jacob, Alice appeared out of nowhere. "Edward! I'm so glad I caught you," she pulled him into the classroom, her high pitched voice ringing in Jacob's ears. "Quick, tell me how to rationalize fractions again? I heard they're giving us a test today …"

Jacob hurried around the corner and to his own class. Phase one done. Preparation lunchtime …

So, what do you think so far? Obviously this isn't done just yet. We still have lunch and after school to get through. I think one or two more chapters should do it though lol. Review please :)