Title: Fine by June

Pairing: James/Remus

Rating: NC-17

Prompt: #143 Toward the end of seventh year, when Remus is in pain as the full moon approaches, it's in James' strength and steadiness where Remus finds comfort.

Warnings: Nothing out of the ordinary really. Sexual situations and adult language.

Summary: Remus gets everything he wants, and then he gives it up again.

Author's Notes: Boy, this turned out angstier than I wanted. Written for mwpp_mischief Mischief Managed Fest 2011.

It was the first day of April, and Remus shielded his eyes from the bright sun as he rested a moment against the low wall running down the steep slope of the hill. He was without his friends, an occurrence that had become more common recently. Sirius had been out of pocket for days, though Remus was sure he was in the dungeons with the cloak and the map, ready to try again, with a desperation sprung from the sense of future rushing closer with the force and inevitability of a speeding train, to reclaim his brother by blood. Judging from the dark scowl Sirius had worn all March, save for the day of the joint party he'd thrown for Remus and James to celebrate their eighteenth birthdays, Remus didn't expect him to have much luck.

But there had been no talk of mischief this final year on the day that had always seemed to have been made for them. Remus could hardly believe he regretted the lack after his dire imprecations year after year when they ended up in choice detentions gleefully doled out by Filch. Not that Remus would have much to offer if they were planning anything today.

The full was still a week away, but as the school year had waned the effects of his transformation had grown stronger, the period both before and after lengthening and filling him with a constant weary ache that he did his best to conceal. It hadn't been as difficult as usual to hide his state from his friends. Sirius was wrapped up in his crusade, Peter was a wreck himself, constantly revising for NEWTS and having nightmares that he'd gotten Ts in all his classes after showing up for his exams dressed in nothing but his Gryffindor tie. And James was finally surmounting the disdainful fortress walls of Lily Evans, though they hadn't quite tumbled yet.

Despite their respective distractions, they never missed a full. His protests and excuses for them were ignored or met with incredulous snorts. He could only be thankful they were all caught up enough by their concerns to miss his increasing discomfort, especially when Madame Pomfrey was at a loss to explain the cause, and he knew that Sirius and James would worry at the issue in a way that would only add to his anxiety. Pomfrey had ventured the idea that it was due to exam stress, but his body hadn't reacted this way during OWL year, so Remus wasn't so sure.

Deep down, he thought it might have something do with the looming fear of leaving school and having to navigate the world without the protective presence of Dumbledore, Hogwarts, and his friends. His worries about finding work, supporting himself, and not being a burden to his parents or his friends had certainly been weighing heavily on his mind, and his decision to take the fresh air was part of his efforts to forget all those worries for the moment.

It was unseasonably warm for April, and Remus couldn't bring himself to return to Gryffindor Tower. He'd spent too much time recently confined behind his curtains, trying to manage the increasingly painful lead ups to the full moon. His back might punish him later for going on a mid-afternoon stroll around the grounds, but then it punished him for sitting still too long as well. Perhaps the warm sun would soothe the ache in his joints and muscles and head, and allow him a momentary respite.

The potion Pomfrey had given him to take once he was back in the dorm rested in the deep pocket of his robe, protected by an unbreakable charm. He would wait until he couldn't bear the pain any longer before he took the grudgingly bestowed concoction. It wasn't that Madame Pomfrey didn't understand the amount of pain he was experiencing, but the addictive nature of the potion itself that made her reluctant to resort to it. The times he had been dosed with it were few and far between, and he looked back on each one with fondness and a deep and greedy longing.

The thick flask against his hip was a pleasant reminder of his future bliss, so he was able to ignore the incessant throbbing in his skull as he wandered toward the edge of the forest where it almost met the black lake. The narrow strip of land between the two meandered on for a few hundred yards before opening out into a small meadow of waving green grass and brave spring flowers.

Drawing the flask from his pocket he set it down in a small hollow, then spread his cloak on the ground. Gingerly, he lowered himself onto it, hissing as his back spasmed and freezing in place until he could force short deliberate breaths in and out of his nose. Finally, he lay back and stared up the clear sky, letting one hand fall across his eyes to block the glare of the sun.

The rays felt good on his face at least, and Remus wished it was warm enough to strip off entirely and simply bask in it. He settled for rolling up his sleeves and pulling the hem of his shirt out of his trousers. He could hear birds and insects and the sound of the lake lapping against the bank, and that was all. It was timeless and peaceful. Slowly, his jaw began to unclench, though his headache had settled in for the long haul. As long as he didn't move, it remained an almost bearable dull ache.

He wasn't sure how long he'd been there, an hour maybe, when he heard James calling from down the path. He didn't bother answering because James obviously knew he was there, and Remus thought he must have dozed off for a bit because he felt at that stage between sleep and waking where moving or speaking seems an impossibility.

"Moony!" James called again.

Remus could hear him coming closer, thudding through the sweet-smelling grass with exuberant strides and throwing himself onto the ground next to him. Remus opened his eyes to see James grinning over him.

"Prongs." He lifted one eyebrow, making James laugh and reach out to ruffle Remus' hair.

"What're you doing way out here, Moony?"

"I'll give you three guesses." Pointedly, Remus shut his eyes again.

"Hm. I don't see any books, so you're not revising. You're alone, so you're not off having a snog."

Remus snorted.

"I do spy an intriguing flask. Whatever could this be, my dear Moony? Illegal potion? Have you been holding out on us?"

"If I was, who could blame me? I still shudder to remember what happened the last time you and Sirius got your hands on that botched Euphoria potion."

James' uninhibited laughter made Remus open his eyes again and smile. "Should never have trusted a Hufflepuff to brew something that complicated. It was brilliant up until the side effects kicked in."

"You don't have to tell me." Remus wrinkled up his nose. "You really gave new meaning to the term projectile vomiting.

"At least it was rainbow-colored!"

Remus snorted again, regretting it instantly as the lurking pain spiked sharply through his head then settled into a dull, though no less painful, throbbing. He pictured the lobes of his brain swelling like rising dough, pushing against the inner walls of his skull. How much pressure does it take to split one open from the inside, he wondered.

"Moony?" The concern in James' voice was as soothing as the fingers that gingerly slid through his fringe, pushing the hair away from his face to let the cool breeze hit his skin.

Remus forced his eyes open. "I'm all right."

"Bollocks. Why don't you take this now? Pomfrey wouldn't have given it to you if you weren't in bad shape."

"Was saving it for when I really needed it." It was a bit too much effort to act put out by the mild chiding, so only a tinge of weary grumpiness came through as he looked up at James.

"When would that be?" James scoffed. "When you're on your deathbed? Won't do much good then. Come on."

Ignoring Remus' protests, he shifted an arm beneath Remus and gently helped raise him, muttering an apology when Remus couldn't contain a choked groan. James braced him against his side with a steady hold and he handed him the flask. "Drink. You've gone absolutely white, you know."

"Yes, Mum." Ignoring James' smirk, Remus popped the cork and tipped the flask to his lips. He drank as quickly as he could. The potion wasn't as foul as some of the concoctions that had been forced upon him, but its sickly-sweet taste made his already weak stomach roll with nausea.

"That's a good boy." James took the flask and tossed it away, grinning at Remus' sour look.

"This stuff makes me sleepy, you know." Remus could already feel his limbs going boneless in the circle of James' arms. He tried to pull away, but James would have none of it.

"Never fear, Moony. I'll watch over you whilst you have a bit of a kip." He settled them back against the grass, pulling the now-pliant Remus against him. Remus found himself using James' arm as a pillow, but the pleasant heat from his solid presence seemed only natural as the deliciously relaxing effects of the potion coursed through his blood. He fell asleep almost instantly.

He came back to consciousness slowly, the hum of buzzing insects loud in his ears. He still felt liquid and mellow, hollowed out in a good way that made him feel momentarily cleansed of all ills. His thoughts were vague yet, but not foggy, and he gradually came to the realization that he was curled around James' body, his head on James' shoulder and his arm thrown across him. As his waking consciousness rose higher, Remus became aware of James' fingers, which were slid up under the hem of his shirt, making lazy circles at the small of his back.

"Prongs." He swallowed thickly, wetting his throat as he rolled onto his back. James' fingers trailed over his hip as he turned, ending up resting on Remus' belly where his untucked shirt had rucked up above his navel.

James' hazel eyes shone with warmth and amusement, as if he knew the glide of his fingertips on Remus' skin was making his blood race a little faster. "Welcome back, Moony, or should I say, Sleeping Beauty."

"You shouldn't, no," Remus croaked, swallowing again.

James laughed, his fingers fanning out then drawing back together again rhythmically, a fingertip dipping into Remus' navel on each repetition. It wasn't enough to be ticklish, but Remus felt his cheeks go warm and he hoped the flush was too faint to show.

"Feeling better?"

"Yes. Much."

"Excellent." James' fingers slid higher underneath Remus' shirt, following the thin path between his ribs up to his sternum where they spread out and pressed against his chest. "You look better. Got some color in your cheeks."

His eyes flew to James', and he felt his heart thud hard against the palm of James' hand. He wondered if James was taking the piss, or if he was just making an idle comment. They had all always been physically affectionate with each other, though James was definitely pushing the bounds of that dynamic now, and Remus just wished he knew if his actions were pointed or not. Knowing James, they most likely were. The question was, what were they pointing to?

"We've been neglecting you, Moony."

"You mean you haven't been unnecessarily hovering over me constantly like a mother hen," Remus corrected.

James' teeth flashed. "You know you don't take proper care of yourself unless we prod you into it."

"You'll make a lovely mum someday, Prongs." The rate of his heartbeat had steadied again, but it still thudded heavily against James hand. Remus smirked to distract himself from the embarrassing reaction to James' touch.

When he got no answer, Remus lifted his eyebrows. James was staring at him with rather disconcerting intensity.

"James?"

"Do you hate it?" James asked suddenly and rather forcefully.

Taken aback, Remus stared across at him.

"Hate what?"

"When I-we-natter at you about eating and sleeping properly and taking your potions and all that."

"No." Remus shook his head. "Not really. I know I complain, but I...I know you're only trying to help. Don't tell Sirius I said this, but I rather like it. It's nice...only you shouldn't worry so much abou-"

"Shut it, Moony." James was grinning now, and his hand slid back down to Remus' belly, thumb catching on the waistband of Remus' trousers.

Remus focused on not squirming, though he was unable to stop the heated flush that crept across his cheeks. What was James playing at?

"I saw Pomfrey before I came out here. She asked me if you'd gone up to the dorm. Told me you had the potion to take."

"Oh." Remus sighed, feeling a slight surge of guilt. "I just couldn't take another minute up there."

"I figured." James rolled up onto his side, propped on one elbow as he studied Remus' face. "Fresh air did you good."

"Mm." Remus agreed, forgetting for the moment James' hand on his stomach, as he stretched his limbs freely for the first time in several days. When he opened his eyes again, James was watching him intently.

"She said the pain has been a lot worse lately."

Remus shrugged. "I'm-"

"All right. Yeah." James rolled his eyes. "Why didn't you say something?"

"Because there's nothing you can do, and I don't want to always be whinging about myself around you lot! I can deal with it, Prongs. Honestly."

"You never whinge." Suddenly, James' face was close to his. "After all these years, why can't you just accept that we want to help."

"You can't always take care of everybody, James. You've got your own life."

"I don't want to take care of everybody, Moony. I want to take care of you."

James' hazel eyes glowered down at him, the sunlight reflecting off his glasses making Remus blink. The words startled him into stillness, hyper aware of the warmth of James' palm sinking into the skin of his stomach. The insects buzzed around them as they stared at each other dumbly.

"Oh, sod it," James bit out. Then his mouth covered Remus', and he was kissing him with a thoroughness that left Remus breathless. Without even consciously willing it, he responded with slow, dazed movements, his mouth shaping pliantly to James' kisses.

He stared wide-eyed through it all, until James rolled on top of him and deepened the kiss, coaxing his lips apart with teasing flicks of his tongue. His insides twisted with an almost uncomfortable surge of adrenaline, and he was dimly grateful that he was already lying down as the blood rushed through his veins, leaving him light-headed and suffused with a feeling of pleasurable weakness that made his eyes finally slide shut.

How long they kissed, Remus wasn't sure, it felt like a long time. Long enough for his lips to start feeling scraped and raw and swollen. Long enough for James to move his mouth to Remus' throat and lick and suck, making Remus free his trapped arms and clutch at James, marveling at the play of muscle beneath his fingers as James held himself over Remus. Long enough for the evidence of their enjoyment to make itself felt between them. He couldn't feel embarrassed, though, not even when James had claimed his mouth again and had actually moaned when Remus pressed his body up in helpless reaction. All he could hear was his breath and James' and the small sounds they were both making.

Eventually, though, James pulled back to stare at him, and the insect buzz and meadow sounds filtered back into Remus' awareness. James' mouth was as shiny and red as Remus' felt. He had a faint flush across his cheekbones, and the hazel of his irises made a barely there ring around his large, dark pupils. It wasn't a sight to which Remus had ever thought he would be privy.

"But...you knew I was?" He stared up at James, hating how vulnerable his voice sounded.

"Figured you might be. Wasn't like it was obvious. Just..." James shrugged.

His heart pumped out a heavy beat. "So they know, too-Sirius and Peter?"

"I don't know about Peter, but Sirius...yeah."

Remus exhaled slowly, bring his hands up to face and scrubbing over it as he tried to process everything that had just happened. James sat up and straddled his waist before pulling his hands away and pinning them on the ground beside Remus' shoulders. "It's all right, Moony. You could've told us."

James met his gaze steadily.

"Wasn't anything to tell." Remus' laugh was self-deprecating. "It's not like I ever..." He shook his head and gave James a significant look. "Even if...well, it wouldn't be fair to anyone, so it's not like I was planning to act on it."

"We reckoned you'd see it that way." James frowned down at him, shifting a little, his hands pushing Remus' wrists deeper into the soft ground. "Moony-"

Remus cut off his words with an impatient huff. "Is that what this is? You felt sorry for me? Thought you'd give the werewolf a pity snog?" He dropped his eyes to James' chin, unable to look at him anymore, humiliation and disappointment making his stomach churn unpleasantly. "I'd rather be a eunuch than-"

"It's not like that!" James sounded angry. "Moony, look at me!"

Reluctantly, but still defiant, Remus raised his eyes again. James was scowling, his glasses had slipped down his nose a little, and he bent down close enough that Remus could feel his breath against his face.

"That's not what this is." He put force behind each word, pulling Remus' chin back when he would've looked away again.

"So what is it then?" His own perplexed anger kept his voice from wavering, at least.

"It's..." For once, James looked uncertain, his eyes flickering to take in all of Remus' expression. "I just wanted to."

"You wanted to," Remus said flatly. "All of a sudden?"

"Yes. No." James made a sound like a growl. "It's something that's been there for a long time. But I ignored it...tried to. But we've only got a couple of months left here, and I..."

"Want to experiment," Remus finished for him, a look of dawning comprehension spreading over his face. "Before you finally get Lily." The sudden intake of this knowledge was almost too much for Remus, torn between a sinking feeling at that being all this was and a sense of giddiness that James had focused on him. "I'm surprised you didn't go to Sirius. Even though he's not bent like I am, he's always up for anything with you."

"Remus." The fingers around his jaw tightened, and for a moment Remus wondered if he might have angered James enough to hit him, though he'd never laid a finger on him in that way in all their years of Hogwarts. But then James carded his hand through Remus' hair and kissed him again, fiercely this time. "You're not an experiment, all right?" James muttered against his lips. "And I don't want to do this with Sirius."

His words were hard to resist, especially with the warmth of James' body seeping into his skin, but Remus forced himself to speak.

"But you do with Lily."

James froze for a moment, then carefully untangled his fingers from Remus' hair and sat back on his heels. This time it was him who couldn't look at Remus as a torn and guilty expression flickered in his eyes. "I...know this is selfish. I'm being selfish here, Moony, but I can't help it. There's something about you that I want...so much. You've always fascinated me in some way, even before...this. I just couldn't stand the thought of never...of never having it."

"James." Remus waited until James met his gaze, staring up his friend who moved through life blessed and golden, cock-sure and full of himself, but generous to a fault, loyal and beautiful and perfect.

"I'm sorry." James looked eaten up with guilt. "I shouldn't-"

"You can have me," Remus interrupted.

James stared. "What?"

"If you really want me, you can have me." The boldness of his words made Remus' pulse flutter madly. "For however long it is." It didn't matter that he would get hurt in the end, that it hurt even now understanding that James was coming to him with a termination date practically pre-set. What mattered is that he would get something he had barely ever let himself dream of having, that, for however long, it would be his. James would be his. "April. May." Remus shrugged. "Next week. Until you choose Lily."