Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, apparently. It is owned by their respectively owners. Something like that?

Title: Teen Tips?: How To Score Weed?

Summary: A unknown voice, aka Rukia, instructs Ichigo on how to score some weed.

Warnings/Themes: Rated T for drug use, drug dealing, language and some other shit.

On a normal morning, kinda, Ichigo was just leaving his house to go to school. He felt bored and he wasn't at school yet. Out of nowhere, he heard a sudden voice. It wasn't a Hollow or a soul, apparently. But he noticed it sounded like Rukia, which explained why he couldn't find her earlier.

Rukia: "Hey there."

"What the hell?" Ichigo said, "Is it you, Rukia?"

Rukia: "What? No. Listen, I'm guessing you're wanting to score some ding bud, am I right?"

"What's that?"

Rukia: "Chronic, skunk, Buddha, sticky icky icky. I'm talking about marijuana, son."

"Oh, you mean weed." Ichigo understood, "But how the hell am I suppose to get any?"

Rukia: "That's alright. Just listen to me."

"Whatever, Rukia."

Rukia: "I'm not Rukia! Now first, kick your dad in the balls."

Coincidentally, his father, Isshin came out to see that he was still there. He asked him, "Aren't you supposed to be in school, Ichigo?"

Ichigo responded by kicking him in the nuts as hard as he could, obviously making him fall to the ground.

"Ughh, my buildings." He groaned.

"Hey, that was fun! Now what?." Ichigo said, with a smile.

Rukia: "Now take his car keys and hightail it outta there."

A little while later, Ichigo has successfully stole his father's car and found a little joy in it too.

"Heh, heh. I stole a car. This is fun!"

Rukia: "Shut up and pay attention, idiot."

"Sorry."

Rukia: "You see that bum?"

"Wait a minute, he's gonna give me the weed?"

Rukia: "Nope, he's useless. Run him over with your car."

"What?" Ichigo replied, but then chose not to argue, "Oh well, since I went this far, at least I'll do it because you said it."

He sped up towards the homeless person and successfully ran him over, leaving him on the windshield. For now.

A little while later...

Rukia: "Now pull over to this shady alley..." (He does so and stops), "You see that nicely dressed business man over there?"

"Yeah, don't tell me he's gonna give me the weed?" Ichigo asked.

Rukia: "No. You're gonna shoot him with 'this' rocket-launcher." (A rocket launcher somehow falls into his hands.)

"What the hell? Don't you think this is a bit overboard?"

Rukia: "Do it!"

"Fine." Ichigo does so by aiming at the man and killing him, however, his body didn't disintegrate for some reason.

Ichigo ran straight over to the body and said, "I saw what you did!"

Rukia: "What the- Who cares? Grab his wallet."

He went over to his pocket and snatched his wallet out, taking out $10.

"Hey, ten dollars."

Rukia: "Just enough for a dime bag, now let's go."

Later on, Ichigo was a bit confused, so he asked, "So, what else?"

Rukia: "You're gonna be patience and wait for a black person."

He looked around and said, "Oh there's one."

((This isn't good.))

He ran out to the person, who was actually Yoruichi and started yelling out, "Hey black person, hey black person!"

"What is it, you little racist?" Yoruichi sighed.

Rukia: "Tell her you wanna score some weed."

"I wanna score some weed." He repeated.

Yoruichi easily picked up on what was going on, so she asked, "Oh, I see what's going on here. You think just because I'm black, I'm a drug dealer?"

"Um, yeah." Ichigo answered, without a single thought.

"You know I should whoop your little ass," Yoruichi told him, "I went to UConn, I'm a MBA from Stanford, I'm a CEO of a Fortune 500 company!"

((You never know...))

Rukia: "Quick! Flash that ten splice, home spice."

"I have ten dollars." Ichigo said.

Then Yoruichi changed her attitude all of a sudden and replied, "Aw shit, why did you say so? Come on baby, let's do some business."

((I forgot the last part.))

Yoruichi brought out a suitcase with an assortment of drugs and even weapons apparently, she gave him his options, "Let's see here, we got the weed, the Spanish weed, the Jamaican weed, we the Romanian garden snaps..."

"Um, I'll take this one." Ichigo chose, giving the money to her.

"Good choice." she told him.

"Thanks, Rukia's voice in my head!"

Rukia: "No problem. You have fun blazing that hyper chronic in your bedroom by yourself."

"Oh, I will."

"Hey, Ichigo? You ever try crystal meth?" Yoruichi asked him.

"Crystal meth?" He replied, followed by her nodding, "Sounds awesome."

"It is, but you'll have to suck my titties for this one."

Ichigo thought about it for a bit, but he wiped his lips, spit away and did so, but why did he have to think about it?

Another unknown voice, which is really Urahara: "Teen tips! Kind of?"

End of story.