A Series of Strange Events
By: Drixia
Chapter One: Kittens, kittens, and MORE kittens!
Authoress' Note
So this is my first fanfiction. So please be kind with the reviews, and no flames. I know there are several stories like this –where the Akatsuki are magically kittens and an OC finds them blah, blah, blah. Hopefully this will be different from most. For one there will be no romance with canon characters. Two, my OC is actually based largely on me, as well as any other OC's. I.E; my mom was inspiration for the mom in this story. I actually sat down and asked her how she'd react and whatnot. Thirdly, my mom will be in here; mostly to make it realistic. Since most fanfictions have the parents just running off on random month long vacations. That is all.
Much love, D.
Disclaimer
Naruto & Naruto Shippuden © Masashi Kishimoto – Meaning I do not, nor will I ever, own the Akatsuki
Also, I don't own anything you recognize
Rating
Rated T for language
Warning!
This fanfiction may contain spoilers if you aren't up to date with the manga. Just letting you know. Um… also, there will probably be A LOT of perverted/crude/morbid humor. Since, I find that humor…humorous. There may be mentioning of yaoi and yuri. So, if you aren't okay with that… block it out of your mind? I won't heavily be delving into it though, just dabbing light sprinkles on it. This is making me hungry so… Enjoy! – D.
Special Thanks
To my dear friend .L who very kindly took the time to help me edit this story for any errors. ^ ω ^ Love you! Thank you once more.
POV – Third Person
"What the fuck?" A loud voice erupted from a large brown box.
Closer inspection showed that there were a total of ten small kittens; all varying in different sizes and colors. The one that had vulgarly shouted was silver. His lavender eyes burned with anger.
"Why the hell am I covered in hair?" The kitten inspected himself, standing on his hind legs holding out a small paw/arm. The kitten beside him scowled. His frown was intensified due to the stitches across his mouth. In fact, his whole tan body was covered in similar stitches.
"That would be because we're kittens; and it's not hair. It's called fur," He elaborated for his partner.
"Shut the fuck up Kakuzu. Go eat a dick (1)." Kakuzu narrowed his pupil-less green eyes, "Hidan…" An all orange cat suddenly hissed in warning, "Cease this foolish bickering."
This was obviously the leader.
He was one of the strangest cats by far. He had orange fur, strange circled eyes, and piercings strewn around his body.
"Now," he addressed the whole group, "Any thoughts on why we are suddenly felines?"
"I believe I know," the monotone answer from a red haired kitten. His brown eyes were inspecting the whole group, "This must have something to do with the smoke bomb."
It suddenly made sense to everyone.
Minutes before they were small, furry kittens; they were in their lair. They had received a package, and Tobi had opened it showering everyone in a mist.
"Stupid Tobi, un. Always have to mess everything up," a blonde kitten glared at Tobi. The cat in question was all black and had a swirl of orange on his face, "Don't be so mean Deidara-Sempai!" The small kitten had a wave of tears erupting from his eyes. It would have been comical, but the situation put a downer on the comedic factor.
"I'll show you mean," his blue-grey eyes narrowed, a vein popped up on his forehead. Then he leapt in the air, only to be knocked down by his master, "Ow… that hurt Danna."
"You're draining my patience brat," Sasori just wanted to get out of the box and into his normal body.
Suddenly the box was unsteadily dragged, and a face popped into the kittens view.
POV – First Person
"Well hello there," I smiled.
Boy was this odd. Ten strange kittens all piled in a big brown box.
"Hmmm…you'll die of starvation or hypothermia if I leave you out here, but if I bring you inside, I risk mom being an ass." I held out two hands and began lifting them up and down, as if I were weighing something.
"Leave you to die," I moved my hands, "Take you inside."
The kittens only stared at me. Then a black and orange one ran toward me, only to be stopped by a wall of cardboard. I giggled at the kitten, while the blonde one attempted to tackle it. I thwacked the blonde one on the head, "Don't be a bitch."
I swear it glared at me. A few kittens even looked like they were laughing, mainly a silver one and a big blue one. A red one seemed to smirk, if that was even possible for a kitten.
I picked up the black one, inspecting its strange swirly orange face. "Well aren't you a cutie pie. I think you're going to be my favorite." It mewed at me and licked my face. I think it agreed with me.
I held it up, like Rafiki did to Simba in The Lion King, only I did so to inspect the kitten's gender. "Oh! So you're a boy." I then realized I was still outside, sitting on my porch…talking to animals. What will the neighbors think? Who the fuck cares?
I sighed and looked at the kitten's face, "If I put you on my head will you promise me something?" Honestly I wasn't expecting the cat to answer, but it kind of freaked me out when it nodded. I smiled nonetheless, "Don't fall and don't y'know…use my head as a bathroom." The kitten mewed and snuggled against my face, "Awe." I pet it for a few seconds and then moved it to my head.
Luckily, it seemed to be too young to have claws, so it simply pawed at my semi-dreaded burgundy locks. Or at least that's what it felt like. I have no idea. I can't see my own head.
I then stood up, than crouched so I could lift the box, "Fuck me sideways! You're all fucking pigs! There's no way you could've starved out here, you're all fat asses." Some kittens glared, others seemed uninterested.
Once I got the kittens inside the living room, I locked up.
Okay so now the tough part. See, I once told my mom this exact story. I said, 'If I found a suspicious box with ten kittens inside, could I keep them?' She said no. But she did say, 'Now if you asked to keep one and it was abnormal. Then I'd say yes.' So I put my favorite into the box, and then I picked up the box, dying when I had to carry it up the stairs. I swear I need to hit the gym again.
Once in my room I picked them out of the box individually and looked at their genders. Some looked oddly awkward about it too. After, I set them on my amazing hello kitty bed; they stared at it. They also stared at my poster-covered walls, and my television which was paused on Resident Evil 5; I was currently working on playing through pro.
I put the big box outside my door.
"Now to name you all," I sat on my bed and picked up my favorite. I sat him on my lap as I looked all of them over, "I have no fucking clue what to name any of you."
I sighed and began to pet my favorite, "I'm seriously thinking of naming you My Favorite." He mewed and purred at my amazing petting skills. "Hmm… or I could name you…lollipop? Your face looks like a lollipop…or a mask. Like Tobit's mask." I don't know why, but I always called Tobi, Tobit. Eh.
My favorite tilted his head in confusion, "Eh, Tobit. As in…Tobi. From Naruto. He's in the Akatsuki." I swear all the kittens looked at me. "Don't look at me like that. It's unnerving." They didn't stop. "Whatever."
"Your name will be My Favorite. And you will be spoiled. Because all the other kittens can suck my dick for all I care." They all gave me 'O.o' looks. No lie.
"I don't have a dick. But if I did, I wouldn't let you suck it, because that'd be bestiality. And you're not old enough for that yet," I'm such a pervert.
I kissed My Favorite's head, "I love you My Favorite, but first. I must name everyone else."
I pulled out a pillow from my amazing pillow fort behind me (2) and sat it beside me, setting My Favorite on it. "You get your own pillow because you're my favorite."
I loved reiterating that, because some kitties looked jealous; especially the blonde kitty.
"Okay… you!" I picked up the only female, "You will be my second favorite."
She mewed innocently, "Hmmm… you're blue… and pretty. What's pretty and blue?" I thought long and hard, "Larkspur?" It was a purplish blue flower, which was the color of this kitty.
She mewed and nodded, "I find it odd that you nodded…but what the hell! On to the next pussy," Yes, Yes I said that.
I set her down next to me and picked up a silver one, with lavender eyes, "You're so pretty!" I'm pretty sure he growled or hissed. "You're silver… with lavender eyes… a name for you… could be…fuck." He twitched. "I'm not calling you fuck. But… I will settle for BJ." Blow Job. I laughed, "You're a blow job." He pawed at me arm, probably hoping to sprout claws to rip me to shreds.
Then I threw him back to the pile of kitties. Just kidding, I would never throw an animal. I just lightly put him back with the others.
"A-ha," I picked up a pretty adorable red one, "Dude. You could be my child." He looked at me. Blankly I might add.
"Seriously," I continued, "Look." I picked up a red dread on the side of my face and put it near his face, "We totally match. I love you. You're my third favorite." I then began contemplating a suitable name for him. He could be…Gaara? He's a mother fuckin' hot redhead. "Maybe I'll name you Blackheart (3). Spawn of Satan. Spawn of Satan and me. Kukukukukuku," Yeah I do Orochimaru's laugh sometimes. I'm perfecting it. The kittens stared at me like WTF?
"Orochimaru is my father. Don't judge me." Actually my Dad was a big buff black guy (4), but that's beside the point. It could have been Orochimaru; if he had O Negative blood.
And again I received strange stares.
"Are you genetically enhanced to be super kitties?" No, they didn't answer. But I wished they would have. That would be cool.
"Okay," I moved Blackheart over to Larkspur, "Next."
I then picked up a fat blue one. Okay, he wasn't fat. He just looked buff. Oh yeah, he's like the Hulk.
"You're a heavy kitty aren't cha?" He gave me a glare.
"You're…Blue…and fat," insert kitty glare, "Your name is Hulk. Because your buff." He seemed to approve of the buff comment.
I moved him over to my lovely BJ.
Then I picked up a black kitty with red eyes –oh wait; black eyes. Strange…thought they were red. Oh wells. I noticed that Hulk looked interested in me picking up this one. Maybe they were gay kitty lovers?
"Ah… what to name you," I pet the black kitty, "Oh my god." I looked him dead in the eye, "Your name is Binx (5). End of discussion." Not that we were having one.
I sat him beside his lover and picked up a half white half black one. "You're…awesome. You're my fourth favorite. I have decided this." I scratched behind his ear. He seemed kind of startled when he purred, same as the others. They were curious. I giggled, because I'm a girl. So I giggle.
"What to name you… I am half tempted to name you Zetsu. What the hell! You're name's Zetsu." I sat him beside Blackheart.
Seriously, they all seemed bewildered that I named him that.
Not my fault that's who he looks like.
He could be Zetsu's cat. But then…would he be eaten?
I shook my head and picked up a tan one, he looked like he had stitches, "You're cool." He approved of that. Or so I thought, because he nodded.
"Now… you have stitches. So…what to name you…hmm…Frankie! Short form of Frankenstein," I was very pleased with his name, he however, wasn't.
Next up was the orange one. He looked like he had piercings. "We'll get along just fine," I moved a lock of hair back behind my ear, showing a black spiral pincher (6) right after it was my dangly cupcake earring. "I love the piercings kitty. You remind me of Pein-Sama." I always added the suffix. My friend Gracie got me into saying it. He looked curious.
"But I guess someone may have been a whore and did it against your will. That'd be animal cruelty. Nod if it was, shake your head if it wasn't," I was having fun with this. He shook his head, "My, aren't you a smart kitty."
He glowered at me. I think he was put off by my baby tone. Actually, they all didn't seem to like my baby tone. I made it often.
"Pein-Sama is a hottie with a million dollar body (7)," I like that song. Pein-Sama's name isn't in it. But it should be. That'd be epic.
The kitten in my hands had a shocked expression and Larkspur seemed kind of… I don't know. Astounded? Pissed?
All the other kittens looked like they were either laughing or shocked.
"Your name shall be Kyo (8)." He regained his cool and nodded albeit reluctantly, "You're my fifth favorite." I sat him beside Larkspur.
"Last but certainly not least," I picked up the blonde one, "You don't see many natural blondes these days. I'm proud." I wasn't really. But he didn't know that.
He just stared with a bored expression. I noticed he had a fringe that covered his left eye. "Hmm… your name… should be… something…like…" I was stalling. I need a good name. If he were a she I'd name her Babydoll (9). But alas, he was a boy.
"Would you be mad if I named you Babydoll?" He looked angry and furiously shook his head, "Fine. I'll give you a manly name…If only I could think of one…Oh well, you're now Babydoll." He hissed, and several kittens looked like they'd die of laughter. I have no clue how they can laugh.
I moved him over to Hulk and Binx.
Then I eyed them all. It unnerved them I think.
"Which of you is the strangest," I would bring Larkspur or Hulk, but my mom would be suspicious since our discussion on oddly colored cats was blue. She'd think I spray painted the kitten. I wanted to bring Kyo or My Favorite. Kyo would be a no go though. He had piercings and my mom would think I became a sociopath that tortured pets. My Favorite wasn't odd enough.
So
Zetsu! Perfect!
"Come on Zetsu," I picked him up and trotted out my door. Well, not really. I just walked; 'trotted' sounds so freaking amazing though.
I made sure the door was shut before making my way down the hall to my mom's room.
"Mom," She was typing on her laptop, sitting at her desk. Like always.
"Yeah," I looked over her shoulder and sighed, "Farmville (10) again?" She nodded distractedly. I poked her arm, "What?" I sighed once more, "Look what I found." She looked over and her eyes widened. "I found him on the porch: In a box. Can I keep him? I already named him and everything! Please, Please, Please!" She looked like she was contemplating it before whipping back around to her laptop, "Sure." I shouted, "HELL YEAH!" She replied with, "Shut up I have a headache." I stuck my tongue out at her back.
I began petting Zetsu when my mom laid down the rules, "Keep him in your room, you're paying for his necessities with your own money, and yeah…that's it." I nodded said my thanks, and left the room.
I went into my bedroom, shutting the door as I did and set Zetsu down with my other favorites.
"Fuck!" A few jumped.
"I have to stop at Pet's Mart," I ran a hand through my hair. "Damn I bet they close soon." Okay I can do this. I nodded. A new determination in my eyes, "Stay here, umm…" I went out of the room and grabbed the box I found, "Use this as the bathroom for now." I set it on the floor, "If my mom comes in here…everyone but Zetsu hide! And…have fun?" With that I grabbed my purse and left.
Das End
Authoress' Note Two
So how is it so far? Not too bad, right? In the next chapter I'll have the Akatsuki talk more, promise! Please let me know if anyone gets too OOC. Although some will be, since I don't live in their minds. Please review and leave constructive criticism! Also, Chapter 2 will be up soon!
Much love, – D
Other Notes
1. Hidan says something similar to Kakuzu in Naruto Shippuden 78-79 I believe.
2. In real life I sit on my bed with about six pillows behind me. I call it my pillow fort.
3. Ghost Rider reference.
4. My dad is a cop (so he's muscular) and he's half African-American. So I call him this all the time.
5. Hocus Pocus reference.
6. Pinchers are a type of gauge. They go in your ears. I actually have size 0 pincher's in.
7. Actual lyrics are, "Gotta meet the hottie with a million dollar body," in Nickelback's song – 'Something in Your Mouth'
8. Fruits Basket reference. In all honesty, I do think Pein-Sama's kitty form would look like Kyo's kitty form, only with piercings.
9. The character in Sucker Punch.
10. The farming game on Facebook. My mom always plays it.