Chapter 13: Letters.

Sirius.

Remember the time when little Harry made my bouquet of flowers burst into flames during our wedding? And how shocked and lost he looked, with his eyes wide open, cheeks flushed in the middle of the aisle? And then Lily; beautiful Lily, with her tinkling, bright laugh as she scooped him up and his face immediately changed into one of delight.

That's how I feel now. I am little Harry, at lost of what to do, just without a Lily to pick me up. You are my Lily, Sirius.

I want to say, so badly, that I've avenged you by killing loads of Death Eaters and that Harry and I are fine. But you know that I don't want to lie to you. I'm an adult but even Harry is doing better than I am. He's back in school, baring the weight of everyone's expectations and the death of his father figure on his shoulders, while I just drink Firewhiskey and mope around. I look like a Dementor.

I am so sorry. I know it's my fault, all mine, even though you said it was yours. If I hadn't befriended Pettigrew, or if I wasn't a Marauder, everything would have been fine. Maybe what Pettigrew said was true, that he was the real fourth Marauder, that I took the friendships that was rightly his. If only. Then Harry would still have his parents. And you'd still be alive.

Remus is doing fine. And he denies it but I think he is in loooooove. With your cousin, Tonks, and I can't think of a better match. But you know Remus, he thinks it's unsafe for her and that he's too old for her. Really, any more of his attitude and by the time he's fifty, the only thing close to a lover that he'll have is his books and the chocolate he nicks from my stash. Thank Merlin Tonks is a persistent woman.

I miss you and I love you.

It's almost –what- two years since you died. Still can't wrap my head around it. Sirius Black, dead seems almost as curious as saying that our names are not cleared. Have you heard? If you didn't fall through the veil, we'd be free to roam outside and scare the knickers off old, grumpy man. Your favourite pastime.

Remus and Tonks got married. They had a little ceremony in Tonks' home, just family and close friends. So, mostly just Tonk's family and friends and me. Your cousin, my sister-in-law, looked gorgeous that day. And I'm so glad Remus finally got over himself and married her. She's good for him; she makes him smile and when he smiles, he looks like he's seventeen again and surrounded by James and Lily and you. But I won't dwell on that, I'm sure you were there. And their kid, Sirius! The tiniest, cutest baby you'd ever see. I think Teddy beat Harry on the cuteness scale since Harry's hair didn't change colour every hour.

I'm better, or so I think. Molly tried to set me up with some blokes, but I don't think they want to bring back a woman who has been in Azkaban to meet their parents. And I don't fancy talking to them, because it seems like they would take your place and that place is solely for you.

Voldemort has taken over the Ministry and London's really depressing now. Harry and his friends are on the run now to do Merlin knows what. Harry only told me that Dumbledore gave him a job to do. And that's good enough for me. He's done amazing things that put the Marauders to shame. He broke into the Ministry, Sirius! The Ministry! And the best thing we've done is probably dyeing Snivellus' hair pink or maybe when we set Cullen's hair on fire. I'm getting old. My memory escapes me.

But, thank you for making him leave me alone. For making all of them leave me be.

I feel so lonely. I'm stuck in this gloomy house because I'm too well-known to roam around. The only things I can do are the Order missions, like patrols and the like. No fun without you badgering me.

There will be a battle soon, Sirius; the tension in the air is just so thick. And I think I will die in it. I'm obviously not going to throw myself in the way of every killing curse thrown, but I have no will to live. There's no better way to die than a noble death. Maybe I'll save some fifth year or something.

You probably know this already, but I'd give up every remaining second of my life for an hour of us suffering in the cells of Azkaban, or living in the streets of Hogsmeade with those bloody fleas buzzing around or an hour of us complaining about being stuck in Grimmauld Place.

I still miss you. Do you think we'd be able to have that son or daughter we were talking about wherever you are? Maybe a tiny Padfootslet?

Merlin, I'm morbid these days. So morbid that I reckon I'd be able to blend in with the Dementors. I already seem to suck out people's happiness.

I love you and I look forward to seeing you.

A/N: I apologize for the shortness of the chapter but there's just so much sadness I can handle. And it's not my best, too. One more left. Thank you so much for all the reviews.

Shameless Self-Plugging: Check out my Hp fic, A Complex Design. Oliver Wood/OC pairing.