Story title: here, there, everywhere.
Chapter title: and after all this time (you're still the one I love).
Disclaimer: Glee and everything related belong to Ryan Murphy and associates. The chapter title is extracted from Shania Twain's song Still The One. Jesse's song is Phillip Phillips' Gone Gone Gone, but I used a cover by David Paradis I found on Youtube.
Timeline: Set in Nationals, in a way.
Characters/Relationships: Jesse St. James, Rachel Berry. St. Berry. Mentions of Klaine and Finchel. Evansberry, Puckleberry, Hummelberry, Anderberry friendships. St. Blaine family relations.
Summary: "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies", Aristotle. As she struggles with a crucial decision, Rachel receives four visitors with a very important message.
here, there, everywhere
#45: and after all this time (you're still the one I love)
Chicago, June 2012.
She's supposed to be making two dreams come true in roughly a week, and while one has really come to pass like she had hoped, dreamed and worked for, the second one isn't making her feel like it was supposed to.
It's the night of the day before her wedding to Finn, she's in Chicago after beating countless odds and being crowned winner of nationals and in roughly 20 hours she'll become Mrs. Finn Christopher Hudson. She'll marry the boy she has wanted, desired and fought to make hers since the first time she laid eyes on him.
So why isn't she bubbly with happiness, bouncing off the walls in excitement, why isn't she chatting the night away with her friends like any good, thrilled bride-to-be is supposed to before her wedding? Why is she locked on her hotel room, in her nightgown, with her hair bunched up in a messy bun, sitting on the cold tiles of her suite's bathroom and looking forlornly at her wedding gown, feeling a heavy weight on her heart and the urge to bolt away to somewhere no one would find her?
She loves Finn. She honestly, sincerely, truthfully does. So why does marrying him feel wrong?
While she tries to make sense of her thoughts and feelings (and struggles with admitting the most fundamental truth she holds hidden away in her heart), a knock in her door tears through her thoughts and snaps her back to reality. Standing up and paddling softly towards the entrance, she pulls it open-
-and comes face to face with four precious people whose expressions vary from serious to somber to concerned.
"I told you she was brooding," Kurt says as he slides past her into the bedroom, his voice slightly snippy as he speaks to Blaine. His boyfriend trails after him, rolling his eyes fondly before giving Rachel a small smile, a brown paper bag in his hand. After the couple, come Sam and Noah, Sam carrying his constant companion on the trip, his guitar, and Noah looking at Rachel as if he wants to uncover all the secrets she has in her heart.
"You okay, B?" Her longtime friend asks as he quietly closes the door behind them, wrapping an arm around her slim shoulders before leading her towards the ample bed, where Kurt, Blaine and Sam have already settled down. Rachel gives him a weak smile, and he can see shadows in her eyes that tell him everything he needs to know. The fucker was right again, he groans inwardly. How can the stupid ass know something was wrong with Rachel after speaking with her for five motherfucking seconds? The shoulder under his hand feels sharper and bonier than ever, a clear sign that Rachel's struggling with something. She's a healthy eater, but whenever she grows anxious she doesn't feel any hunger at all.
"So," Rachel says with a cheerfulness she doesn't really feel, "what brings you gentlemen over?"
The four boys look at each other, obviously hesitating. Noah is the one who takes the lead, saying, "Fuck this," before pulling his phone out of his back pocket and fiddling with it briefly, handing it to her.
The pintsized diva looks confused between Noah and his phone, and the mohawked boy rolls his eyes before saying gruffly, "Just press play. We'll talk later."
Nodding uncertainly, the New Directions' female lead looks down at the tiny screen and presses softly at the small side triangle. As the video begins, her eyes widen and flood with tears, breaking in a thousand pieces as the message sinks in.
"You have to do something."
Jesse is at the hotel bar, thinking about the one girl who has stolen his heart all those years ago and has never given it back. The girl who, in a matter of hours, will be making the most spectacular mistake of her young life, tying it to the life of a talentless beanstalk who will do everything in his power to keep her from making her dreams come true. Glaring angrily at the bottom of his tumbler glass and telling himself not to meddle again ("She made her choice, publicly, more than once. Don't disrespect her that way, St. James," he mutters to himself every now and then), he fails to notice the quiet group of four that sneaks up to him. Startled, he looks up from his glass into the grave face of Noah Puckerman and snorts, knowing immediately what he's talking about.
"Do I?" He asks bitterly, lifting his tumbler to his lips and swallowing another gulp of the best scotch his father's money can buy him. "Yeah, I don't think so. She's dying inside, but I can't help her if she doesn't want to be helped."
Puck frowns, while Kurt sighs and Blaine and Sam look at each other. Sure, Rachel's making a mistake, but what is Jesse implying when he says she's dying inside? "Explain," the mohawked boy says as he sits down next to his onetime rival, sliding his own (fake) ID towards the barman and signaling he wants the same as Jesse.
Jesse rolls his eyes and pours yet more booze in his tumbler. "Have you seen her? She's dropped at least ten pounds since I last saw her. She's so skinny some would think she's sick with something. She has a ring on her finger and a white dress in her suitcase when once she'd scoff openly at the idea of marrying before reaching all her dreams and aspirations. She has so many doubts in her eyes, but she's so fucking terrified of – I don't even know what, because after today the NYADA bigshots will fall all over themselves to snatch her to their roster – that she doesn't dare speak them out loud. She's not my Rachel. In fact, I don't even know who the fuck that girl is. She looks like Rachel, speaks like Rachel, sings like Rachel, but it's not Rachel."
"So bring your Rachel back," Blaine says calmly, approaching the older boy and pushing the bottle away from him. "She's in there somewhere, you just have to try and find her. And stop drinking, my parents are going insane with worry that you're going to do something stupid."
"Cooper was blowing my phone up with calls and texts telling me not to pull a Cooper and fuck everything up," Jesse nods as the others blink in stunned disbelief, realizing those two went way back. "I'm not. I'm just going to drink this pain into oblivion and hope tomorrow I'll wake up in a world where I don't love Rachel Barbara Berry with everything I am and have."
Kurt gasps, and Sam sighs, while Puck rolls his eyes (it isn't like St. James has spoken something he hasn't known already) and Blaine asks the barman for a bottle of cold water. "Yeah, no, that's not going to happen. So you're going to jump in the ring again and make a move to make her yours again."
"It's about time," Sam begins to sing quietly, Kurt chuckling softly, "that you put your cards back on the table."
"It's about time," Kurt picks up, smiling, "that you show her you're willing and able."
The two then sing together, Blaine laughing next to Jesse, "It's about time that you get the girl back, that you get the girl back on your side. You've got to get the girl back, get the girl back, yeah."
Jesse stares at the two grinning singers like they're insane, before a wry smile curls his lips and, chucking the rest of his drink down his throat, he stands up. "Yeah, let's see if I can make it work a third time. But you have to keep the zombie dancer from knowing I'm making a pass on her."
Rachel recognizes the winter garden of the hotel, lit only by a few lamps and obviously empty. In a cozy couch Jesse sits, his head lolled back, his eyes closed, his posture a perfect display of laziness and relaxation. Strumming their guitars, Puck and Sam sit next to the former Vocal Adrenaline lead, their expressions serious, obviously focused on their task. Blaine and Kurt are nowhere to be seen, and Rachel looks up with her eyes filled with questions, but Noah limits himself to tell her, with a gesture, to look at the video.
Blaine works Puck's phone (which, after long, careful and detailed comparison, is deemed the best for their mission since Jesse, in a fit of heartbroken anger, has thrown his against the wall). Kurt styles the scene (and both are to provide background vocals to their lead singer). Puck and Sam are on the guitars. Jesse breathes deeply and tries to stifle the sudden case of nerves. Once again he's putting everything on the line for Rachel, and once again he has no guarantee it will work like he hopes it will.
"Breathe," Puck says nonchalantly, "it'll work."
"How can you be so sure?" Jesse asks, his eyes closed and the picture of calm; the only sign of his anxiety is the almost imperceptible shake of his hands.
"I know Berry. She's as crazy for you now as she was when you two first met. She's only too scared and too damn loyal to leave Finn in the dust. Trust me. It'll work."
"Okay!" Kurt declares, clapping his hands firmly, the sound echoing in the empty winter garden. "Are you ready? Sam, Puck?"
"Yeah," Sam says after a last look at the music sheet. Puck shrugs, which for him is as good as a confirmation Kurt will get. Jesse, after taking a deep and fortifying breath, nods. "Great!" Kurt chirps, hurrying back next to Blaine.
"And… action," Blaine says. Sam and Puck begin playing, the firm chords of their guitars echoing in the empty room. Jesse, breathing again deeply, starts singing quietly, the meaning of his words even more momentous because of the intimacy of the setting.
When life leaves you high and dry, I'll be at your door tonight,
If you need help, if you need help
I'll shut down the city lights, I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bribe
To make you well, to make you well
When enemies are at your door, I'll carry you away from war
If you need help, if you need help
Your hope dangling by a string, I'll share in your suffering
To make you well, to make you well
Give me reasons to believe that you would do the same for me
And I will do it for you, for you
Baby, I'm not moving on, I'll love you long after you're gone
For you, for you, you will never sleep alone
I'll love you long after you go – oh, long after you're gone, gone, gone.
A loud sob echoes in Rachel's room. Blinded by the tears that flood her eyes, she gropes around for anything to use to wipe her eyes, but finds Kurt's hand holding hers tightly, squeezing it ever so often, a comforting look in his face. Face to face with one of the people who opposed the most to her relationship with Jesse, she can't help but crumble into a teary mess, clinging to him while Jesse's video song carries on, his message powerful despite the simplicity of his arrangement.
As if invoked by his song, memories flood her mind, tears squirting from her eyes as she revives the most perfect and most painful relationship she ever had.
Rachel catches Jesse's eye before he catches hers. Yes, she's aware of who he is, how can she not when he's the most famous show choir soloist in all Ohio (and leader of her direct competition), but still, she hasn't actually paid attention to him and felt the spark of attraction and interest. No, that first spark was Jesse's to feel first, and it flares suddenly to life when she sasses down a narrow auditorium aisle, proudly belting out a Barbra classic like it has been written for her. From the moment he lays eyes on her, he feels the irresistible urge to join his voice to hers, see how they'll sound together, if it'll really turn out as earth-shattering as he believes it will.
(It's beyond each and every one of his expectations. It's like her voice has been created to sing along with his).
Music also is what ties a starstruck Rachel Berry to Vocal Adrenaline's lead Jesse St. James. But instead of a Barbra classic that the female lead of a fledgling show choir belts out on the fly, it's a Lionel Richie's love hit, seductively sung with a piano, inviting blue eyes drawing her in and enthralling her until she gives in and sings with him in the most perfect duet of her life.
By the end of that song, the two of them have new certainties in their lives.
Rachel is certain she has – finally, at long last – met the love of her life.
Jesse is certain he has – finally, at long last, shockingly (some would say) – discovered he does have a heart.
With her face awash of tears, Rachel turns to the four concerned boys that watch her attentively. "When… when did this happen?" She asks, her voice rough.
"Just now," Sam replies quietly. "It's not over yet." He points to the video, raising his hand to scratch at the back of his neck, discomfort clear in his face.
Taking a deep and shaky breath, Rachel looks back down at the tiny screen.
When you fall like a statue, I'm gonna be there to catch you
Put you on your feet, you on your feet
And if your well is empty, not a thing will prevent me
Tell me what you need, what do you need?
I surrender honestly; you've always done the same for me
So I will do it for you, for you
Baby, I'm not moving on, I'll love you long after you're gone
For you, for you, you will never sleep alone
I'll love you long after you go – oh, long after you're gone, gone, gone.
The first kiss is as unexpected as their attraction to each other and as perfect as their duet during their first official meeting. Both intoxicated with the high of performing (and of finding someone who throws themselves into a performance as much as them), when their lips meet and touch they feel a spark, a jolt that runs through their bodies.
Jesse's lips against hers feel tentative, but secure. He knows what he's doing and is an expert in that art (too). He's only cautious not to push her too far too fast, but he kisses her like he was savoring a rare dish, something delicate and sweet. She's close enough to feel the heat of his skin, warmed by the exertion of performing, and to smell the mixed scent of his perfume and his skin. It's breathtaking, and she soon grows addicted to it, like she is to his voice and his talent.
Rachel, in the other hand, kisses shyly, like it's her first kiss. She kisses with her heart in her sleeve, and she tastes of strawberry lip-gloss and minty mouthwash. Her skin feels velvety and tender under his palm, and a few rebellious hair strands of hers tickle his fingers as they run down her delicate jawbone. The taste and softness of her lips are different from anyone he had ever kissed before, and for the first time he finds something he can spend his eternity doing without a care in the world (other than performing, that is).
Puck and Kurt notice the far-away look in her face, the way she seems in a world of her own, untouchable to them. Taken by her memories, the pintsized diva doesn't notice the way her friends watch her absently play with her engagement ring, twisting it to the point where it slides completely off her finger and falls to the floor with an almost silent 'ping'. When she doesn't immediately startle and reach down to pick it back up, the boys look at each other with a hint of excitement and hope. Maybe it has worked. Maybe Jesse, in his own, musical way, has managed to reach to his Rachel, the girl buried underneath months and months and months of self-doubt and insecurities and pain and hurt. Kurt quietly picks up the engagement ring up and shoves it into his pocket.
"He loves me," she whispers quietly, blinking and making small rivulets of crystal clear, salty water run down her pale cheeks. "He loves me." Looking up to the faces of the boys she considers her closest and best friends in her team, she repeats, over and over again, "He still loves me. After all this time… He still loves me."
"He does," Blaine says quietly, shoving a spoon into the bowl of ice cream they have brought with them. "I think you're the only person in this world he has loved his entire life, Rachel. Even when he wants to stop loving you, he can't. Because you're such a big part of who he is today. Everything he has done in the last couple of years is to become the man you saw in him, a man who would make you proud." He lifts the spoon and slides it into his mouth, enjoying the sweet, cold taste of the treat. "The man you'd like to have by your side when you takes Broadway by storm," he finishes quietly, smiling sadly at her when he notices the new batch of tears bubbling in her eyes.
"How" she whispers as a lone tear runs down her cheek, "can you have so much insight to someone you barely know?"
"Now that is a good question," Kurt says, his eyebrows so high on his face they almost reach his hairline.
A sheepish smile curls the corner of Blaine's mouth and he scratches the back of his neck. "Actually, that's a really funny story. And a story I'll tell you all," the former warbler rushes to assure when he notices the growing glare on the face of his boyfriend, "as soon as Rachel here is done with her video." He taps at the screen, and Rachel sighs before looking back down.
You're my backbone, you're my cornerstone
You're my crutch when my legs stop moving
You're my head start, you're my rugged heart
You're the pulse that I always needed
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum, my heart never stops beating for you
And long after you're gone, gone, gone
I'll love you long after you're gone, gone, gone
Rachel sighs softly and leans her head against Noah's shoulders, tears leaking out of her eyes. Kurt reaches out and gives her a tissue from the box he has pulled out of the brown bag, and she smiles gratefully at her friend before turning inquisitive eyes to his plus one. "So. You told us you'd reveal how you know Jesse once I was done with the video, which I clearly am now," she says conversationally.
"Spill, Anderson," Puck orders, squeezing Rachel's shoulders comfortingly while Sam steals a spoonful of tofu ice cream from Rachel's other side. Blaine looks at them nervously, then takes a deep, fortifying breath.
"Jesse is my cousin. His mother is my dad's sister. Actually," and he gives Rachel a small smile, "it was with my family he moved in when he transferred to McKinley. I was the first one to find out about you, Rach. Before everyone on the family…"
Blaine watches his older cousin speculatively as he strolls in his family house with a look in his face that Blaine could only describe as awed. Aunt Claire and uncle Jonathan as usual are out of the country, and Jesse had a rare afternoon off and took the opportunity to hit the only music store in Lima, Blaine can clearly recall his cousin having told him as such through text. And, considering how unimpressive the collection in the music store was, there isn't anything there that can leave Jesse looking that amazed. "So," he asks casually, chuckling when Jesse startles and blinks owlishly at him, "whatever happened to leave you looking like you've run into Neil Patrick Harris and he knew who you are?"
"I met the most amazing girl today," Jesse confesses quietly, falling into the family couch and crossing his hands behind his head. "She has the most beautiful voice I've ever heard in a woman, and I've heard Shelby sing Broadway classics on the fly."
Blaine feels his eyes widen. Jesse isn't one to dole out such praise easily, has never been, a trait that has been passed through generations of their family. It's a St. James trait, aunt Claire claims. As Anderson, Blaine often feels lucky he isn't picky as his cousin and best friend. It leaves his dating pool a little bit bigger than Jesse's. "You have?" He asks, taking the loveseat in front of Jesse. "And who is she?"
"Rachel Berry. We sang Lionel Richie's 'Hello' at the music store then went to her house for me to help her with a hello song for her glee club assignment." He takes a deep breath. "Then we sang 'Hello Twelve' from 'A Chorus Line' and she didn't hold back." Jesse bites his lower lip. "We have a date Friday night."
Blaine blinks. Jesse isn't the type that goes on dates. "A date?" He whistles softly. "Damn."
"Yeah…" His cousin whispers. "She's worth it, though."
Rachel blinks, new tears filling her eyes. Blaine takes her hand, squeezes it softly. "He has never stopped loving you, Rachel. It pissed him off, sometimes, how he can't let go of you. Because he isn't used to not getting what he wants, and he's not used to having his heart broken. In fact," he takes a deep breath, "I think he never got over having to break his own heart because Shelby dangled that damn scholarship over his head. Having to break that egg on your forehead fucked him up."
"It fucked me up too," Rachel whispers, lifting her free hand to wipe uselessly at her puffy eyes. "What happened… between Jesse and I… broke something in me that I never managed to fix."
"We can tell. And so can he," Noah adds quietly. "You guys spoke for, what, a minute? And he saw everything that was going through that beautiful mind of yours, B."
"Even so, he didn't want to step in and disrupt what you have going on here," Sam tells her. "It took a while for us to talk him into it."
"Because you're not happy, diva," Kurt says before she can open her mouth to defend herself. "You're not. If you were, you wouldn't be crying our eyes out over his song, and you wouldn't be looking at your dress like it's a straitjacket to a madhouse." Her fellow diva in the making cradles her cheeks in his hands, presses his forehead to hers. "You've been broken since Jesse broke your heart back in sophomore year," he whispers. "The closest I've seen you get to the crazy ambitious Rachel two of us knew and loved was last year during prom time. I want that girl back. Not the desperately insecure girl who said yes to a thoughtless proposal from a guy who wants to change everything she is." His eyes flood with tears. "I need my fellow little miss diva to come with me next year to New York. Please, please help me find her."
A tiny sob escapes Rachel as she throws herself at Kurt. She then kisses each one of Jesse's fellow co-conspirators on the cheek before jumping off the bed and going to the adjoint bathroom to wash her face. "I don't… I don't know where to start," she blurts as she goes around the bathroom, washing her face off of tears, drying it on the tiny towel and making her way to her neatly packed suitcase.
"We'll take care of it for you, babe," Noah says, picking a pair of jeans and a white cotton T-shirt from her bag, pushing the items into her hands. "Just go change and go get your man. We'll handle everything for you."
"Including Finn," Kurt promises. "Carole will be thrilled."
"So will my parents," Rachel confesses, going back to the bathroom and closing the door behind her. The boys exchange a triumphant look.
"Well, I'll be damned," Puck comments, smirking. "The bastard did it."
Kurt laughs, wipes his eyes off. "You really thought he wouldn't?"
. . . .
Jesse is pacing back and forth in his room, running his fingers through his hair, torn between anxiety, impatience and a tiny sliver of terror. What if sending the boys with that video was a mistake? What if they're all wrong and all Rachel does after seeing him pathetically beg for her love again is laugh at their faces and send them back with a 'Thanks but no thanks' and go forward with that insanity of marrying the Frankenteen?
"She can't," he hisses desperately. "I'll kidnap her from the city hall if I have to. Her parents will back me up, I'm sure. All three of them."
He runs his hands through his now disheveled hair. "Who am I kidding? That stupid oaf of a lead has her so tight in his grasp that she'll never give him up. Damn it, Shelby. Why couldn't you leave us happily alone?"
A shy knock on his room door breaks his hissed tirade against his absent former coach, and he freezes. What if it is one of the boys, with word that Rachel has decided she wants the oaf? What if it's Finn, ready to bash his beautiful face in for making a pass on Rachel on the eve of their wedding?
If it's the Jolly Glee Giant I'll murder him for what he has done to Rachel, he decides, and takes a deep breath, making his way to the door.
When he opens it, bracing for the impact of a fist on his face, he's forced to take a few steps back when a body collides with his, arms wrapping themselves around his waist and the sweet smell of Guerlain's La Petite Robe Noire fills his nostrils. His body relaxes from its tense posture immediately, as his olfactive and tactile memories kick in and he recognizes both the scent and the feel of the body crushing his in a desperate embrace.
"Rachel," he whispers, closes his eyes against the onslaught of tears. "Oh, God, Rachel."
"I love you too," she whispers, her voice thick with tears. "And I'm so sorry for what I've put you through the past few years."
Jesse hides his face in her silky dark hair, inhales her sweet scent and crushes her to him. "No need for apologies," he tells her firmly, kisses the crown of her head sweetly. "You're here now, that's all that matters." He kicks the door closed, with her still in his arms, feels a wet spot forming in the front of his shirt. He frowns slightly, leans away from her a little. "You're crying?"
"I just…" She looks up at him, tears running down her cheeks. "How did you know I wasn't sure of what I was doing?"
Jesse smiles softly, cradles her face in his hands and wipes the tears from her cheeks. "Rachel, you're seventeen and about to be married. Shelby called me and ranted at me for hours about that. Then your dads called and begged me to intervene."
"And why didn't you?" She whispers.
"I felt it wasn't my place. I had my heart broken enough times, and I thought it was what you wanted," he admitted. "It wasn't until I saw you earlier today and you noticed you were looking everywhere but straight at me while you were talking that I realized you weren't. And knowing that… I couldn't not do something to let you know you had an out if you wanted to take it."
"I'm glad the boys talked you into it," she whispers. He chuckles self-deprecatingly.
"I would talk myself into it if they hadn't," he admits. "I was just trying to postpone the inevitable." He sighs, looks into her eyes. "You and I are inevitable, Rachel. I still believe that. We just took our time making our way to each other."
Rachel smiles, in a way that feels real for the first time in months, maybe years. She stands on her tiptoes and presses her lips sweetly to his. "We really are, aren't we?"
He smiles at her, the smile she remembers him giving her and only her from the moment they met. "We are. We have been from the moment I first heard you sing, Rachel. I gave you my heart that night and never reclaimed it back." His eyes grow hooded as he presses his forehead against her. "Please take care of it, okay?" He whispers, his voice growing thick with emotion.
She nods, tearing up once again. "I will." She puts a hand on his chest, over his heart, feeling it thump softly against her palm, closes her eyes and presses her cheek to his chest next to her hand. "I promise."
Jesse closes his eyes, smiles as they hold each other and just stand together. He did it. He fucking did it. A year later, he has his girl back, for good this time. Thank God.