Disclaimer: Nope~

A/N: co-written with Lily Winterwood, and it was amazingly fun to do. rewrite on 7-13-11

FRANCIS BONNEFOIS: User Guide and Manual

CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the proud owner of your very own FRANCIS BONNEFOIS unit! Please take this time to remember the waiver you signed upon ordering this unit: we, the makers of this manual, are not to be held responsible for any bodily or emotional harm your new unit subjects you to. For your personal safety, we have enclosed this manual, and suggest you read it to avoid any unwanted contact with your unit.

Technical Specifications:

Name: Francis Bonnefois. Will also reply to "France", "Big Brother", "Grand-frère", "Blondie", "Frenchie", and "Frog".

Age: 26

Place of Manufacture: Paris, France

Height: 5'10"

Weight: N/A (it fluctuates with however much 'exercise' he gets)

Length: It's your personal Eiffel Tower.

Your FRANCIS BONNEFOIS unit comes with the following accessories:

One (1) red and blue French army uniform

One (1) white chef's outfit

One (1) white chef's hat

One (1) PIERRE unit

One (1) copy of How To Stop the French From Invading Your Bed

Programming:

Your FRANCIS BONNEFOIS unit is equipped with the following traits:

Chef: Whether you like French food or you just can't cook, FRANCIS BONNEFOIS will be the perfect chef for you! Years of culinary experience mean that he can make something delectable and delicious out of the most boring ingredients. Get him a job at a restaurant, and we guarantee that he'll make it to Head Chef within a month!

Stripper: Ever seen Moulin Rouge!? Your unit is as shameless as the girls in that film, and has no qualms with stripping and/or whoring himself out (although he'll only work in high-class bordellos). After all, he's gorgeous and has a sexy accent - what more could you ask for in a prostitute?

Marriage Therapist: Believe it or not, FRANCIS BONNEFOIS is quite the counselor. If you've got problems with your significant other (perhaps over why you ordered the unit in the first place?) FRANCIS BONNEFOIS can sit you both down and help you talk out your problems!

Teacher: Assuming that his students will be able to understand his accent, your unit is a great teacher. He's good at nearly every subject, but best at philosophy (after all, Francis Petrarch, the "father of humanism", was French!), the French language, and sexual education. His students will adore him!

Note: if he teaches French, he'll probably start shouting every time someone mispronounces a word.

Removal of your FRANCIS BONNEFOIS from Packaging:

FRANCIS BONNEFOIS is one of our milder, more cultured units, which means that he is less likely to hulk smash you if you wake him up improperly. However, there is still the danger of him acting violently passionate if you wake him up improperly. If you would like to keep your virtue for a little longer, here are some easy ways to wake your unit up without damage to your reproductive organs.

1. Play 'La Marseillaise'. If you speak French, sing it yourself. Francis will start cheering and singing along - while he's distracted, reprogram him.

2. Cook French food. Make sure you cook it well, or he will throw the platter on the floor and accuse you of giving him shit, although you'll have the chance to reprogram him either way.

3. Play Johnny Hallyday. Francis will respond positively, although he might have a tendency to start dancing. And if you're really unlucky, he'll drag you along. If you don't have Johnny Hallyday, play Edith Piaf. And if you don't have Edith Piaf or Johnny Hallyday, Yelle will do. Warning if you do play Yelle: Francis may start dancing Techtonic, and you might want to avoid having elbows in your face.

4. Play a porno, loudly (but not loud enough to scar the neighbors). Francis will burst out of his box and start watching it, and you can program him while he's busy fapping. Warning: this move is recommended only for people who can move extremely fast, because if you're not able to reprogram him enough you might end up losing your virtue after all.

Reprogramming

After properly awakening your FRANCIS BONNEFOIS unit, you'll have the option to reprogram him to any of the following settings:

Lewd (default)

Dramatique (default)

Overprotective Big Brother

Elegant

Napoleonic Era (locked)

Rape-Maniac (locked)

Your unit comes in his default Lewd and Dramatique modes, which entail him groping people, cracking perverted jokes, and acting like he'll die if you reject his advances. He is more amiable and good-natured in either of these two modes, and, after a few hours in any other mode, he'll revert back to these for some reason.

Overprotective Big Brother is just that: instead of groping you, he'll hug you in a completely innocent matter and be whatever you need him to be for you, even if you need him to go beat up the 6'5 bastard down the street who stole your wallet. (FRANCIS BONNEFOIS can be startlingly strong when he needs to be.) To get him into this mode, simply cry in front of him or complain about your shitty love life (or cry in front of him about your shitty love life). Your unit will give you great advice on what to do.

His next mode, Elegant, is also easily accessed. Simply take him to a mall with several high-end stores and a bulging wallet, because he won't leave until he's given you a makeover or at least bought you new clothes. Most of the time, he'll be able to sweet-talk the store clerks into knocking off about fifty percent of the bill, so don't worry about going broke with his expensive taste!

FRANCIS BONNEFOIS has two locked modes, Napoleonic Era and Rape-Maniac. Napoleonic Era is most easily unlocked by leaving him in a room with other units all in their respective empire modes; however, it'll take a while before he reverts to Napoleonic Era, so don't expect him to walk out ten seconds later and start imposing the Civil Code on your neighbors.

Rape-Maniac, on the other hand, is unlocked by depriving FRANCIS BONNEFOIS of sex and/or porn for a month. Eventually, he will snap, and run off in search of an ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit. We are not responsible for any damage done to said ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit.

Relationships with Other Units

ARTHUR KIRKLAND: These two units have been rivals since forever, basically, with the Hundred Years' War and all that, but their animosity for each other could be interpreted as a massive build-up of UST. (The history of the Entente Cordiale sure says so.) Whenever they're arguing and a third person gets involved, FRANCIS BONNEFOIS and ARTHUR KIRKLAND join forces; as soon as a fourth person enters, they'll split onto opposing sides. In a relationship with ARTHUR KIRKLAND (which is the most likely pairing for a FRANCIS BONNEFOIS unit), both units will sleep around but come back to each other every night; don't comment, because that is how their relationship will work for a few months.

ALFRED F. JONES: FRANCIS BONNEFOIS and ALFRED F. JONES go back to the American War for Independence, and they have an agreement like "You helped me get independence!" - "You let me into your pants after I helped you get independence!" or something. We're not entirely sure, although you're free to find out...

LUDWIG KALTHERZIG: The relationship between these two units is mostly antagonistic. Since the Franco-Prussian War, FRANCIS BONNEFOIS and LUDWIG KALTHERZIG have not been very close; the Treaty of Versailles only worsened their relationship, and the Fall of France didn't do much to help it. However, these two are always up for a nice round of hate-sex, and we recommend you record it.

ANTONIO FERNANDEZ CARRIEDO: Despite being historical rivals, what with their Hapsburg/Valois-Bourbon hatred, these two have a bromance of epic proportions. It'll take a little difficulty to spur into a relationship, mostly because both of them are as close with GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT as they are with each other; if you can get your unit with an ANTONIO FERNANDEZ CARRIEDO, it's very likely that a GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit will be introduced into the relationship and you'll end up with a really hot threesome.

GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT: Unlike FRANCIS BONNEFOIS and LUDWIG KALTHERZIG's sour relations, GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT and your unit are great friends. Their rivalry is jovial, although GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT will ignore your unit if he's in Napoleonic Era mode. Again, a relationship with these two units is almost certain to eventually include ANTONIO FERNANDEZ CARRIEDO, so if you have plans for your FRANCIS BONNEFOIS with either of those two units, remember to install cameras everywhere.

Cleaning

While you might need to remind him to shave, FRANCIS BONNEFOIS is on the whole more hygienic than the other units. Also, all beauty products you get for him must be French, or else he will refuse to use them.

Feeding

FRANCIS BONNEFOIS is very picky about what you buy for him - only the best! - but if you let him into your kitchen and make the most amazing foods ever. That is, if you like snails, frog legs, and other curious animal parts.

Rest

He'll only sleep when he's tired, and so tends to sneak out at night. You'll have to either tie him up or face breaking your curfew to chase him around.

FAQ

Q: He's molesting me!

A: We apologize, but there's nothing we can do about it. Remember, you signed a waiver that lifted all responsibility from us in the case of something like this happening.

Q: I wake up and he's staring at me with this creepy expression, like he wants to bad-touch me!

A: We attached a copy of "How to Stop the French From Invading Your Bed"; please see it for further instructions.

Q: He keeps flirting with girls who have ridiculously buff boyfriends, and said ridiculously buff boyfriends threaten me!

A: Apologize. A lot. And blame it on the fact that he's French ("He's from France, and you know what the French are like!" works in most cases). Otherwise, we are forced to remind you that, according to the contract you signed, you cannot sue us for any damage, whether directly or indirectly, caused by your unit.

Q: He only speaks in French, and refuses to talk to me in English!

A: Zut alors, pourquoi est-ce que vous avez demandé une modèle francophone? Ecrivez-nous tout de suite pour échanger votre modèle. Nous ne savons pas pourquoi vous voudriez demander cette modèle si vous ne parlez pas français.

Troubleshooting

Problem: Upon opening your box, you discovered that there was a FRANCIS BONNEFOIS unit in a light blue tunic, who looked about eleven or twelve and more like a girl than anything else. He speaks only in French, and asks you where "Empire Romain" and "Germania" (AUGUSTUS VARGAS and WODEN BEILLSCHMIDT, respectfully) are.

Solution: Oops! We accidentally shipped you a Gaul!FRANCIS BONNEFOIS, which is basically a younger version of your unit. During this time period, he was under Roman rule, and is therefore asking for AUGUSTUS VARGAS. If you don't want this lovable, gentle (and equally perverted) version of FRANCIS BONNEFOIS, just send him right back and we'll deliver the proper unit within five work days.

Problem: For some reason, FRANCIS BONNEFOIS has lost his vigor - now he just sits in the corner, glaring at everything. He's depressed, paranoid, and doesn't sleep, and is submissive to LUDWIG KALTHERZIG. He also refuses to see GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT.

Solution: Congratulations! You've unlocked your unit's Vichy mode! His actions parallel the emotions of the French while they were occupied by German Nazis in World War II. To get him out of this mode, you'll have to leave him with either an ARTHUR KIRKLAND in Loving or a regular MATTHEW WILLIAMS unit for a few days, as this is the only mode he won't automatically revert to his defaults from.

End Notes

With the proper care and enough patience, FRANCIS BONNEFOIS will be an extremely wonderful companion. We hope you enjoy your time with him!

A/N: oooorah