Dedicated to fuwacchi.

Prompt: Dino/Kyouya—death; "left to suffer."

-x-

I don't own Kateikyoushi.

Within Ashes and Notes.
And who knows, maybe one day, you will know my name.

-x-

As Kyouya Hibari walked the streets of Italy, he had his arms crossed over his chest and a frown curling his lips downwards. It was a normal expression for him—if others had seen a smile or any emotion similar to happiness on his pale face, they would've known something was wrong. The buildings around him were casting dark shadows, each larger than the last and created an ominous setting. The baleful shade of scarlet mixed in with cerulean that the sky possessed didn't help with the mood either, only making his irritation increase with every gaze that became misplaced and caught sight of the clouds.

He'd been given a letter. Tsunayoshi Sawada had thrust it into his hands before looking away, avoiding eye contact as he gnawed on his bottom lip only hours ago. The former prefect didn't find any use to the flimsy envelope, with contents surely of only unimportance, yet he placed it within his pocket before promptly leaving the scene. He walked through the busy streets quickly, the material of his shirt starting to cling to him from the temperature within the area. The brunet hadn't been fully prepared for the weather; his mind not entirely on where he was walking.

At the ripe age of twenty, Hibari thought it was appropriate to stop lying—to stop telling himself that certain reactions were unnatural and only caused mutations in later life. His lies only caused inner turmoil, his stomach churning uncomfortably as he thought back over them.

Hibari used to consider himself strong. He still did, in a way, but not as much as before. He never voiced out his opinion of himself; simply smirking and appearing narcissistic if the topic ever became aroused. How could he have viewed himself as a true carnivore if his heart skipped a beat at inappropriate times? He'd always ask himself that, turning his nose into the air at the same time and disregarding anyone who came too close.

Personal space was an important issue. The brunet had one male penetrate it far too many times, lazily casting him a grin before carrying on with his life without thinking about what had happened. Hibari doubted that the other had thought about the consequences of coming too close. The incessant beating of his heart would become irritating. His sudden attention to body movements would have his fingers twitching, begging to curl around the handles of his tonfas. With every internal hit his pride took, he wanted to press his lips against the blonde's.

Yet he refrained.

As Hibari turned a corner, he chose to lean against the brick wall of one of the buildings. It was less crowded there; most of the civilians merely walking past at a standard pace without taking notice of his foreign genes. His fingertips tingled, the shadow the building he was leaned against creating a shadow over him, as he slowly pulled the envelope out of his pocket within his pristine black suit.

His name was written across the front in a messy scrawl, the kanji hardly recognizable. The card rustled loudly as he ripped the wax seal open, withdrawing the piece of paper that had been placed inside. An eyebrow was arched as he glanced at the paper for a second. Not absorbing the words, he noted that it was all written in Italian despite the Japanese on the envelope. He had mastered the language three years ago, simply to make things more convenient. The former prefect refused to believe that it was to understand what Dino said to his men while he was in close proximity. As he smoothed the paper out, his lips curling into a frown, Hibari braced himself for something worthless. He thought the text would be a simple mission that Sawada was too scared to ask him to go on himself.

Hibari. I'm sorry you weren't informed about this incident earlier.

He blinked, tempted to shake the paper to see if he was seeing things. Sawada only dropped the honorific that was attached onto his name often when it was serious. It was easy to tell it was still his writing, too; despite the sudden switch of languages, the scrawl was still messy.

Dino's dead. A rival famiglia hired an assassin to take him out. I don't know the details; they somehow got through his men—at least a dozen are dead or wounded—and got to Dino. We're trying to keep it quiet for the time being, at least until we know what has happened fully. He suffered multiple gunshot and knife wounds.

Hibari's expression twisted into one of disbelief, his lips turning down into a frown as his grip became tighter on the paper. He refused to believe that the sentences were true, dubbing Dino as someone who wasn't stupid enough to sacrifice himself for his family.

But that was another lie.

Dino was always the type to do that; he was far too sacrificing. The blonde didn't think about how it would affect anyone else, just content that the people surrounding him were okay. Hibari curled one of his hands into a fist, letting it fall down to brush against his thigh as he turned his head.

What he'd been expecting to see was the blonde stumbling towards him, his lips stretched into a grin before calling his name. When he saw that there was nothing there, just the gentle breeze of the wind hitting against his face and making his eyes sting, Hibari gulped.

He turned his head back around quickly, denying furiously that he was anticipating a surprise attack from the Italian.

The brunet told himself again not to lie again, that he was fed up of deceiving himself of his feelings. He was far too old to keep denying important issues. He had to come to term with what he was feeling; how his stomach felt uncomfortable as Dino came closer, the coiling inside of his abdomen only becoming more pronounced with every brush between their shoulders. It certainly wasn't Hibari's fault that such feelings had became aroused over the four years that they had known each other. Dino had thrust himself into his life, making monthly visits to see him—sometimes every two weeks—and spending as much time as possible with the other.

It seemed natural for Dino to bug him whenever possible. Leaving the occasional message on his phone asking if he wanted to go out somewhere with him or if he was visiting Italy for a mission and wanted to visit the blonde's estate.

Nothing more than conversations and activities meant for friends. Not what Hibari wanted.

There will be a funeral in a few months. When we've figured out what to do since Dino never had an heir.

"Funeral." The word felt foreign upon his tongue, leaving a displeasing taste behind.

Dino was twenty-six, of course most of the mafia had thought it was appropriate to have a child at that point in time. Yet Hibari had never known about any of his relationships. The topic was almost taboo, as soon as love was mentioned between them—from the blonde casually asking him if he had someone he cared about—Hibari's irritation levels would boom. The question seemed akin to torture; as though Dino knew what he was doing, finding amusement in seeing the brunet become worked up from a single sentence.

That was all there was to the letter. Hibari had flipped it over, checking to see if there was any more writing before frowning in disappointment. He didn't know what to make of the contents, not trusting his mind at that moment to make a final decision.

He was walking before he knew what had happened.

Slamming the door open, Hibari growled at the blonde's subordinates who were gathered inside. Surprise flashed across their faces, some stopping from inhaling smoke from their cigarettes to stare at him incredulously.

"Where is he?" he demanded, voice low and full of authority.

"Hibari…" Romario had started, his tone unsure as he took a step forward.

"Is he here?"

When Hibari received no answer and Romario had averted his eyes, the brunet walked up the stairs to where he knew Dino's room was. Although he hadn't entered there many times, he'd knocked on the door once before Dino had came out with a smile across his face. He turned the door handle quickly, the hinges squeaking from the force he'd applied. One of Dino's subordinates had followed him up, asking politely for Hibari to leave, until a glare was delivered in his direction. The man walked away, casting a look over his shoulder under Romario walked towards him and said it was okay for Hibari to enter.

The exchange of glances between the two had Hibari on the edge, eyes narrowed in suspicion before he closed the door behind him.

The room was empty, the only light coming from the roaring fire from within the iron fireplace in the far corner. The plush king-sized bed was untouched, the sheets perfect along with the pillows. There were no files on top of the mahogany desk in front of the window. Instead, there was a white box placed on top. As Hibari took steps closer to it, his eyebrows furrowing in curiosity, he noticed it was similar to a jewellery box, simply painted white. There were no patterns engraved across it, only a small silver lock located on the front. He tugged on the metal experimentally, just to see if it was unlocked, and blinked when the lock fell off into his hand.

The silver had intricate patterns on it, containing swirls and what caught the brunet's attention the most was the engraving of a bird in the centre. With a frown, Hibari placed the lock onto the wood of the desk before pushing the box open. The inside was lined with black velvet, appealing to his eyes but not tempting to touch.

As he tore his eyes away from the lining of the box, he noticed the faded crimson fingerprints that were across the side.

There was a moleskin book within the box, roughly the size of a normal piece of paper, and worn out from what he could see. Some of the pages were sticking out, making the book not close properly. He unravelled the ribbon from around the journal, letting it fall down to brush against his left right hand before opening to the first page.

When Hibari finally looked at the page, he sucked in a breath through his teeth.

Written in romaji, the script cursive and elegant, was his first name in the middle of the page. It wasn't large—Dino's usual size, except more time had gone into writing it. The gentle flick to each letter, the constant flow of black ink that never decreased in colour was alluring. He ran his fingers over the writing for a moment before shaking his head, denying that his heart had skipped a beat from knowing Dino had taken time out of his life simply to write Hibari's name.

A hand ran through his hair quickly, making the short bangs that hung just above his eyes become dishevelled before he believed he'd composed himself again. He turned another page, the crackling of the fire and his breathing the only noises within the room.

Year 03, September 12th.

Hey, Kyouya. Are you reading this? I started this… diary for one specific reason. To show you I'm sincere when I'm ready to tell you something. Without proof, you'd never believe me, right?

May 7th, three years ago. Do you recognize that date? I guess that explains why I've put 'year 03' at the top of this page, too. I hope you don't get confused; this is just to help me. I want to see how much of a coward I am.

Back on track now. The 7th of May, three years ago, was when I first met you. You only paid attention when I dropped in Reborn's name before assuming I was strong. Not saying I'm not… but still. Oh oops, now I sound stuck up. That wasn't my intention!

When you first said you wanted to bite me to death—although I didn't like you much at that point, I admit—I can't tell you what kind of thoughts I had. I thought you were a problem child, someone who only knew about violence and didn't care for others. I was almost spot on, right?

I thought you were a brat.

Hibari blinked, furrowing his eyebrows together before rereading the page. It was written in Italian, the script cursive and elegant still. The text was about him and only him—Dino's impressions, the date they first met and somehow explained some sort of plan the blonde had. Hibari gripped the book more firmly, turning the pages quickly to see how many entries were. Although he didn't read them, at least three quarters of the journal were complete, the same writing on every page.

"Why?" he asked himself aloud accidentally. Hibari thought that he was the only one who remembered the date they met; it was intentional, he'd told himself, but when his eyes drifted towards a calendar on that certain day a sigh would slip through his lips.

Year 03, September 13th.

Your surprised face was cute. I immediately thought that as soon as we started fighting. I originally thought you were the same as Tsuna, therefore I tried to hold back. Then you swung at my face with your tonfa at full power.

That bruise was on my cheek for a few days after that, yet it was worth it just to see your eyes widen when I wrapped my whip around your weapon. Make sure to show me that expression again, okay?

Hibari inwardly grimaced, the memory popping back into his mind. It was one of his first fights with Dino; when they were on the rooftop with Romario standing in the corner, casually leaning on a railing and laughing at their speech. Hibari had been furious at the lack of personal space between them, Dino addressing him as his first name instantly and the attitude the blonde possessed. Too much, far too soon for him.

Year 03, September 17th.

When you won your battle against Gola Mosca, I was so happy for you. I had intended to talk to you after, yet you disappeared before I could so much as smile for more than a few seconds. That stung, Kyouya.

Then when you had poison injected into you and I simply had to stand there and watch, that was infuriating. Yet you proved me wrong again. You were able to overcome it and even helped save Gokudera and then Yamamoto. What possessed you to do that?

That was when I was sure you had a soft side to you, too.

I wish I could have watched you from the beginning, but I had to help Squalo first. You would've been my first priority.

His eyes widened as he read the last sentence, going back over it before tracing his fingertip over the elegant writing. It was far too misleading, making Hibari's breath hitch. He was trying to find out the point of the journal—why there were only entries about him of all people. The brunet knew that Dino had liked to annoy him, but to the extent of trying to trick him with a diary to watch his reaction was too far.

What was even worse was that there was no one beside him, staring at his face to gauge his reaction. He was sure there wouldn't be for a long time too. There wasn't anyone laughing beside him, casually trying to place an arm around his shoulder or coax him to go out somewhere.

Only the sound of his own heartbeat deafening inside of his head.

Year 03, September 20th.

It took me far too long to find out about what had happened between you and Mukuro. I knew it was a taboo name to say, yet when I brought it up around Tsuna he spilled it all out. I was surprised; I knew you were strong, yet you could still move with all them broken bones and injuries?

It seemed I underestimated you again, Kyouya. You began to become more interesting to me; your reactions were always appealing before, but as I knew the extra little pieces of information, it made you that much sweeter to know.

He scanned the next few pages, the contents almost the same. Dino had wrote that Hibari's hair tickled his cheek when he embraced him for a few moments before a tonfa had been slammed into his stomach. The extra piece of information saying that the blonde happened to cough up blood, his breaths painful to take in, as soon as Hibari had left the scene. The brunet frowned in sympathy, not realizing how violently he had reacted within the past few years. That was back at the beginning of their relationship; only two months after they had first met.

It was no wonder he was alone if he only caused someone to gasp out in pain.

Hibari's free hand curled into a fist as he bit down onto his lower lip, his eyebrows slanting downwards in irritation at himself. That was when he was lying to himself, never stopping the constant spouting of nonsense inside of his own head when Dino was around.

Not wanting to remind himself of how obnoxiously in denial he had been, Hibari skipped to five pages later.

Year 03, September 27th.

The first Valentine's. We didn't see each other then, did we?

I didn't want to.

I didn't want to see you holding onto someone's feelings in the form of confectionary, Kyouya.

"I wanted to see you." The comment had slipped through his lips before he could stop himself. His nails pressed into the skin of his palm when Hibari noticed his slipup, shaking his head quickly to get himself alert.

Why was it that Dino hadn't wanted to see him? He couldn't fathom why.

He shut the book in frustration, placing it down onto the desk before running a hand through his hair again. The brunet closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath before dropping his arm back down to his side. He took a step towards the desk again, hands reaching out for the journal.

That was when he noticed that there was a smudge on the top right-hand corner of the moleskin. He trailed his thumb across it, staring down at the flaking blood that had been transferred onto his skin. Placing his thumb to his lips, he tasted the dried liquid to make sure he wasn't hallucinating.

Although the copper taste was dull, still metallic though, Hibari knew it was Dino's.

Year 03, October 4th.

For your birthday, I bought you a t-shirt. Not that you would know; you threw it off your school roof.

That was a lie. The t-shirt was stashed away inside a drawer inside of Hibari's apartment, folded neatly and yet never worn. He'd picked it up discreetly when his curiosity had been piqued. The blonde was too much of a fool to remember where it had been dropped, simply searching through various bushes for the present.

Year 03, October 5th.

I never did tell you my birthday, did I?I didn't want to. The older I became, I feared you'd distance yourself from me. I liked being with you.

I still do like being with you, Kyouya. You make me happy.

Here's a hint: it's before yours.

Hibari tried to deny that he was reading over the second line again before catching himself up. He closed his eyes again, that time fighting off the heat from his cheeks. It wasn't the time to indulge himself in fantasies; Dino was merely being kind.

He had only been in friend territory.

Year 03, October 17th.

When I heard you passed high school quickly, completing the required tests within a few months before becoming independent, I was surprised. I wanted to invite you to Italy to spend time with me; I would've hired you as a assassin or something if I was smart enough.

Then I remembered you didn't belong to me.

And that you never would.

Hibari's eyebrows knitted together, trying to decipher the meaning behind the entry. Did that mean Dino wanted him? Wanted him to be his?

His eyes were shut again as he whispered, "He didn't."

The former prefect flipped through the pages again, wanting to move on to read the later entries to see if they were all the same. He could have read between the lines of every single page, but each sentence made his chest feel tight.

He was only torturing himself.

Year 03, December 23rd.

The first Christmas that came since we knew each other was boring. I didn't see you, talk to you or message you. The second, however, was different. When you picked up the phone without hesitation that morning, a large smile spread across my face. I couldn't tell you how happy I was when you willingly answered the phone.

The conversation was still one-sided, but when you called me my first name for once I blushed.

I'm not kidding, I really did. You can ask Romario if you don't believe me; he kept teasing me about it.

It was a mistake. Hibari had referred to Dino as his first name inside of his head, yet that day it had slipped through his lips.

He could confirm that he had blushed at that time, too.

Year 03, January 1st.

You demanded that if I was in Japan, I had to pray at a shrine.

Hibari had remembered it differently—Dino had wanted to spend time with him and when the brunet snapped that he was busy, Dino had went with him.

Year 03, January 10th.

I didn't see you that Valentine's either.

It was the same reason as before, Kyouya. I wouldn't have been able to stand seeing that.

"Why?" he said quietly. He was curious; if he could have, he would've demanded the answers from Dino himself, forgetting his pride momentarily before regaining his composure.

When he remembered that he wasn't going to hear Dino's laugh again, he quickly flipped a few pages. Ignoring the squeeze from his chest, he carried on reading, his expression neutral despite the furrowed eyebrows.

Year 03, January 29th.

When you turned eighteen, I wanted to see you. I wanted to be there to wish you happy birthday first but I got caught up in Italy. When I finally made it to Japan, two weeks later, you shunned me. Were you expecting me, Kyouya?

Sorry. Happy late birthday. I still have your present stashed somewhere in my room—if I find it, I'll add it to the box I keep this journal in.

Closing the book and holding it within one hand, Hibari leaned forward to peer inside of the box. Only when something bright caught his eye did he notice there was something resting on top of the velvet. He reached it to take it, slowly revealing a silver chain with something attached onto the end. He held it up in front of him curiously, a grimace forming on his face when he realized it was a pendant. A small black gem was encased within silver in the shape of a small ball. It was no larger than his fingernail, yet it was enticing. The tiny engravings across the silver it was encased in were intricate, daring him to look closer to unravel the secrets behind Dino's intentions.

Year 03, February 2nd.

Did you know black is the colour of elegance? It's fitting for you.

You didn't attack me when I hugged you. It took years, but I was finally able to embrace you for more than two seconds. You won't believe how happy I was.

When I saw the blush across your face, I swear I had to bite down on my tongue to stop me from commenting on it. I wanted to brush my fingers along your skin to see if it had warmed up.

Then I remembered you'd only warmed up to me a bit. I wouldn't have been surprised if you bit down on my hand if I really did touch your face.

Hibari placed the necklace around his neck quickly, fastening it at the back before looking down at the pendant that rested on top of his shirt.

Was it the last thing he would have from Dino? Would he only own the t-shirt from four years ago and a pendant, meant for him two years ago? Nothing recent that contained any feelings, even if they were only friendly.

Was that all he meant to him?

Year 03, February 19th.

When you went off to kill a renegade group, I was worried. God, you don't know how close I was to tearing my hair out when I heard you were late. Tsuna couldn't tell me anything and since I was busy with work, I couldn't go out and look for you.

Believe me when I say this, Kyouya. If someone hurt you, I'd get them back tenfold.

You're probably scoffing while reading this, right?

I'm not lying. I care about you.

Hibari had to clench his hand into a fist. It wasn't what he wanted to read. It was just making things worse; making his stomach uncomfortable, heart pound from within his chest as a hollow feeling started to take over.

Nothing was going as he wanted.

Year 03, February 27th.

I finally worked up the courage to see you on Valentine's, Kyouya. I dragged you out for lunch somewhere. The conversation was… awkward.

Did you notice that people were staring at you?

I did. I know that for sure.

Did you notice that I brushed my hand against yours, too?

Hibari blinked. He hadn't noticed that at all, nor had he noticed the stares. He was too focused on keeping himself neutral, trying not to know that the corners of his lips were twitching when they were eating lunch. After all, Dino was the one who was paying as well.

Year 03, February 28th.

For your nineteenth birthday, we finally did something, didn't we? Well, it took effort. I had to drag you out for dinner with me, coaxing you with a hamburger.

You didn't mind when I took a picture of us together, sitting in the booth inside the restaurant. I never showed you it after, did I? I'll place it on the next page for you, Kyouya.

I'm sure you'll understand a lot when you look at it.

The brunet flipped over the page, noting that there was something on the other side. A frame was placed within the book, surely what was making it hard to close before, and standing out from the rest of the page. He pulled it out from within, turning the black frame over in his hands before his lips curled down into a frown.

It was the only picture of him and Dino he had seen before. It wasn't the fact that the blonde was within it that had him irritated, it was the expressions across their faces. Although Hibari had tried to keep himself neutral, there was still the palest shade of pink across his cheeks as he frowned up at the camera. What caught his attention the most was Dino. He wasn't looking at the camera, instead pressing against Hibari so their shoulders touched, staring down at him fondly whilst the other was unaware.

It didn't look like a photo between friends. The creases through the paper meant that Dino had played with it for some reason, too. He placed the frame on the desk, turning his attention back to the book but not before letting his eyes drift back to the photo one last time.

Year 03, March 15th.

Our anniversary was two days after your birthday. I dragged you out again, that time getting you drunk from shots. It was fun; I just had to poke at your pride and you gulped it down.

I didn't know you were… that kind of drunk, Kyouya.

Although you still didn't speak much, you kept trying to touch me. Not inappropriately, but still trying to grasp my hand and even embrace me at some point.

It was hard to resist.

I had to remind myself that you weren't mine, yet again.

Hibari looked away in bewilderment. He couldn't remember the night well, but with a dead man's writing in his hand, he had to believe it. He'd normally shooed the urges away yet apparently when he was under the influence of alcohol, they won.

He let out a sigh. "Dino."

Curiosity got the better of him. Turning to the second to last page, Hibari gulped.

Year 03, May 5th.

I haven't been able to see you for a few months. I even missed Valentine's—I was determined to take you out again.

I was going to take you on a trip, visit different countries in the process. I know you like travelling, so I was going to let you research while we were out there.

Kyouya. Happy birthday. I'm sorry I couldn't be there, but you'll be pleased to know I'm just about ready to tell you. I've already booked my plane tickets to Japan, though you won't read this yet to know.

I'm scared for your answer, Kyouya. But you need to know already.

He flipped the page again, breath becoming heavy as his eyes darted across the paper. It was hard to ignore that Dino's writing had became messy, the words rushed and the scarlet droplets that had soaked into the page. Liquid that had surely been crystalline had dropped onto it too, only leaving a faint mark against the off-white of the paper.

Year 04, May 7th.

I don't know if you'll ever read this. Have you gotten this far, Kyouya?

I probably won't get the chance to tell you in person. I just hope you'll find this book, albeit embarrassing. Don't snarl at the contents and brush off my feelings I've expressed.

Although I'm bleeding right now and I feel faint, I know one thing for sure.

I'll always love you.

Let's just hope I get to express it in a later life.

I love you, Kyouya. I always have and always will.

Happy anniversary, my love.

—Dino.

P.S. I'm sorry I'll never know your answer.

Hibari's finger traced the imprint of the blood left behind, his eyelids closing as he took in a breath. A lump had developed in his throat, a burning feeling spreading as he sucked in a breath.

He knew that there were a few choices that he could take, yet he chose the best suited for his nature. He removed the creased picture from within the frame, placing it into his pocket before closing the book loudly. His feet drew him closer to the roaring fire, the flames calling to him to engulf the feelings he was experiencing.

A sick smile drew across his lips as he threw the book into the fire, the pages curling at the ends as the flames engulfed the words. As the text and all of the memories, feelings and love they contained turned into ashes, a twisted glint came to Hibari's eyes.

It had to have been fate—it was a warning. Not to fall into the trap that every herbivore did; not to fall in love. It was an insignificant feeling to him.

It meant that all of his memories containing Dino were merely wasted time.

Yet as he thought that, an almost hysterical laugh accompanying it, his heart felt painful within his chest.

He would at least keep the t-shirt, necklace and picture as a reminder. A reminder of how he had degraded himself, yearning for the love of another.

-x-

Famiglia—Family

-x-

AN: woops, failed this one. haha.