So, for whatever reason, I had deleted this from my account. I don't remember why I did that exactly, but nonetheless it's back up. Hmmmm… At least I kept the stories on my computer!
Anyways, this was originally titled What If We Could Be. Same story, new title. I figured if I was going to re-upload them, might as well go back through and revise!
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Toy Story or any of its characters. The entire franchise is owned by the wonderful creative minds of those at Disney and Pixar. This will hold true for the entirety of the collection.
.:Always About You:.
"What if what I want makes you sad at me
And is it my fault or can I fix it please?
'Cause you know that I'm always all for you
'Cause you know that I'm always all for you."
The light, fluorescent green glow his suit gave off was his only light as he made his way across the bed, careful not to wake his friends or the little girl asleep in the bed. This was the third night in a row Buzz Lightyear had found himself waking in the middle of the night. Every night thus far, after awaking from sleep, Buzz found himself drawn to the windowsill to stare up at the stars and mull over everything in his head. Perhaps it was because he was programmed to have a love for space and the stars, or maybe he just found the sky and stars to be comforting no matter what his programming said. Either way, Buzz made his way over the windowsill again that night.
He didn't know what it was about the stars and night sky, but they always managed to bring him comfort when he needed it most now. When he thought about it, this was only the fourth or fifth night he had seen the night sky for over ten years now—and two of those nights he had seen it from something close to a prison.
Buzz felt a feeling of uneasiness settle in his stomach at the thought of their most recent adventure away from home. The whole ordeal from Sunnyside to the incinerator was a large part of what was keeping Buzz awake at night. That, and a certain cowgirl…
Buzz sighed and looked up at the stars which twinkled in return. He knew his relationship with Jessie had changed while at Sunnyside, but the problem was he couldn't remember why it changed, how it changed, or when it changed.
He was frustrated. No matter how hard he tried, recalling all that had happened at the daycare and the junkyard was hard. He could only remember very few details and then there was a large gap which was blurred—as if he had been watching his own life unfold in front of him behind a clouded screen. He knew what had happened; all the toys had brought him up to speed after the little Paso Doble he had done with Jessie their first week at Bonnie's. He had begun asking questions then and only after he had heard the truth did he wish he had never asked.
Buzz didn't want to make it seem like he had had it worse than any of his friends at Sunnyside, but he couldn't help feeling that those nights had affected him more in the long run. Now, a gap of his memory was missing and even with the stories Woody, Jessie, and the rest told, they wouldn't return. He had to deal with the guilt of turning against his friends against his own will. He had to deal with all the memories lost when he was reset. He had to accept the fact that he had two completely different people living within him that could resurface with just the flick of a switch. Sure, his friends had dealt with his traitorous self, but Buzz still felt as though they had had it much easier than he had.
A growl escaped him as he slammed a plastic fist down on the sill beside him. It wasn't fair! He was now stuck with that lapse in his memory and he couldn't do anything about it. He remembered everything up to the night he went to request his and his friend's transfer to the Butterfly Room. He remembered being caught by Ken and the other toys and then having a small altercation with Lotso. He remembered being held down Big Baby while Lotso ordered his goons to remove the casing of his battery compartment. He remembered the pain of his screws being removed and then…
Nothing.
Buzz shuddered. Before his friends had told him everything, he had no idea how long that blackness lasted. For all he knew, it could've been years! He was grateful it hadn't been anywhere close to that long, but it had been long enough to come back clueless. He did remember there had been a few flashes in which he could see something other than the dreaded color black. He remembered darting across a heavily guarded playground and standing with trash falling all around him.
The next thing he remembered clearly was waking up to find Jessie clutching his shoulders, a look of pure fear etched on her face. Woody was beside her, as well as the rest of his friends and their faces displayed the very same expression. He remembered making a somewhat smart comment before Jessie had grabbed him in a fierce hug and covered his face in kisses.
He had been very confused then.
Buzz felt his cheeks heat up as he recalled the memory. According to his friends he had been crushed by a television after saving Jessie from the falling garbage. Apparently he had been out cold and shards of glass had littered his suit. He wasn't responding to Jessie's pleading cries and they were beginning to lose hope.
They thought I had died, Buzz thought, swallowing a lump in his throat.
He shut his eyes and turned away from the stars. He had caused so much pain. He had caused so much pain to so many people in such a small amount of time.
Not only that, but he had probably confused poor Jessie to death. First he turns traitor against her, then he turns into a romantic Spaniard, confessing his unyielding love to her every five minutes. Now, he was stuck with the effects of it all. Now, whenever Jessie would think of him, she would be reminded of him shoving her into a basket and holding her prisoner. She would be reminded of him acting cold and indifferent to her, speaking to her as if she was the very dirt he stood upon. Now, she would fear getting him riled up even in the slightest could lead to the flip of the switch that would turn him back into the Buzz he was not.
And his Spanish self… Buzz knew he had feelings for the cowgirl and if his Spanish self thought them to be love, then he knew it was probably so. After all, it had been him—the real him—who had grabbed her hand in the incinerator and not let go until after they were safely headed back to Andy's. He had gone along with Jessie's silly little tango. He had known what he was doing with no influence of his Spanish self after the little push to get him started.
Buzz looked back up to the stars. So he did love Jessie, so what? It's not like he'd ever muster enough courage to tell her. She might not even want it after everything that had happened between them.
"Buzz?"
Buzz jumped as he turned to the source of the voice. Jessie was standing at the edge of the windowsill staring him down with a concerned look.
"J-Jessie, w-what are you doing up?" Buzz asked, his voice dry from not being used—a poor excuse to why he really was stuttering.
She shrugged, a small smile gracing her features. "I couldn't sleep."
"Me neither," he said, looking down at the surface in front of him.
"Are you okay, Buzz?" Jessie asked. "You seem all caught up in somethin'."
Buzz glanced up at her and then back down quickly. He couldn't tell her. He was Buzz Lightyear, he wasn't supposed to let issues like memory loss and love affect him like this. It wasn't space ranger protocol.
I'm not a ranger though, I'm a toy.
"It's nothing," he mumbled back automatically.
He wanted to talk to her, to tell her all the conflicting emotions battling it out inside of him. He wanted to tell her he loved her as the Buzz he was and not some Spanish impostor.
"You sure?" she pressed, not convinced.
Buzz didn't reply and just continued to stare down in front of him. Jessie sat down next to him and scooted closer to him. Buzz watched her from the corner of his eye and forced himself not to flinch at her touch.
"What's wrong, Buzz?" she asked again. "You can tell me anythin'."
I know I can, that's the problem.
"I just… I can't," he mumbled to her.
"Why can't you?"
What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he just spill?
"Because…" was the lame reply he gave her, cursing himself to infinity and beyond in his head.
"Buzz," she said with a chuckle, "that's not an answer."
Buzz remained silent and turned back to look at the stars. Jessie copied him, letting her legs hang out the open window slightly.
"Is it Bonnie?" she asked.
Buzz shook his head.
"Woody?"
Again, Buzz shook his head.
Jessie followed his gaze to the sky as if the answer was somewhere up there. She squinted as she thought.
"Sunnyside?" she guessed.
Seeing Buzz flinch and tense automatically at the word was her answer. He didn't have to say anything. Suddenly everything made sense.
"Are you upset about what happened at Sunnyside?"
Buzz sighed, although there was a small smile present on his face.
"You can just read me like a book, can't you?" he asked.
Jessie smiled. "It gets easier after a few years," she replied.
Buzz's smiled faded as he looked to the cowgirl doll beside him.
"Now that you know, I assume you're not just going to drop it, are you?"
"Not 'till I know what's buggin' you. I'm worried 'bout you, Buzz. You haven't been yourself lately," she told him in all seriousness.
"Maybe that's because I really haven't been myself lately," he replied back bitterly.
"Buzz nothing that happened at Sunnyside was your fault," Jessie said to him. "We don't blame you for your actions. Lotso's the one to blame."
"It's not that," Buzz said with a shake of his head, his eyes closed, head down. "It's the fact that I lost a part of myself there that I'll never be able to recover. I turned into someone completely different and I'll never be able to right his wrongs. I can remember close to nothing of those nights and this isn't like amnesia where it may come back over time, those memories will never come back."
Jessie looked on with a look of remorse. She had no idea that being reset had affected him so much. She had figured he would just push everything he did under the influence to the back of his head and never think of them again.
Apparently it wasn't going to be that easy.
"I didn't even think of that," Jessie muttered. "Even the stories we all told you didn't help?"
Buzz shook his head, his eyes remaining closed. "Not a bit," he answered. "I know what happened now, but they're not my memories."
Jessie pulled her knees to her chest and rested her head on her arms. She could imagine that wasn't the best feeling in the world. Knowing what happened, but not really knowing what happened.
She looked to the toy beside her and her phantom heart nearly broke at the sight before her. In all her years of knowing Buzz, she had never seen him look so utterly defeated; broken. He was Buzz Lightyear! He was supposed to be strong, prideful. He was supposed to stutter in embarrassment when she was around him. He wasn't supposed to look like he did now.
"Besides," Buzz started again with a heavy sigh, "that's not all that's been bothering me."
"What else is bothering you?" she asked.
Buzz drew in a shaky breath as he opened his eyes finally to look at her. Now or never.
"You," he said.
Jessie was surprised at this. She was bothering him?
"Me?" she questioned, her nerves beginning to get the best of her as she started tugging at her braid. "What'd I do?"
Buzz looked at her longingly. Ever so carefully, he took her hand in his, just like he had at the dump. Jessie, even more confused now, looked down at their adjoined hands. Buzz felt slightly motivated when he felt her squeeze back.
"I know my Spanish self confessed certain things to you that I'm sure you thought I'd never say," he started. "But, honestly, all of his confessions may have been the slight push I needed to come to my senses about how I truly feel about you, Jessie."
Jessie's eyes widened. Was he really confessing what she thought he was confessing?
"Uh…" Buzz stuttered, his train of thought lost momentarily as he caught the look gleaming in Jessie's eyes now.
Oh no; no stuttering tonight Buzz. You're going to get this done, and you're going to do it without making a fool of yourself.
"When I found out that I had rescued you from the garbage in that truck and had sacrificed myself for your safety, I started thinking. I realized that—had I been in the right mindset at the time—I would do it all the same all over again. You… mean a lot to me, Jessie. I know this because even through everything that happened at Sunnyside and the junkyard, through all my memory loss and muy loco self, there was always one constant, even when all I could comprehend was darkness…" His azure eyes caught her emerald ones as he breathed out the final word: "You."
He glanced away quickly before looking back and his grip on her hand slackened ever so slightly.
"Jessie, I… I love you," he told her. "And this time it isn't coming from a Spaniard, it's coming from me. The real me. I swear. I know it."
If Jessie had a heart, it would have already swelled to the point where it would burst. Buzz had just confessed the one thing to her she had always wanted to hear, but feared she never would after all that had happened. A grin too big for even the Cheshire Cat spread across her face.
"B-Before you say anything," Buzz stopped her, "I don't want you to answer just to make me feel better. I understand if things will never be the same between us because of what I did at Sunnyside… I just wanted you to know."
Jessie's grin turned into a sympathetic smile as she watched Buzz avert his gaze away from her—though he still held onto her hand. He was so caring, always putting himself behind others. If Jessie didn't want this, then that would be okay with Buzz; he would make himself not want it as well, yet she knew they'd still continue being the best of friends.
But Jessie did want this, want him. She wanted him immensely. The thing she said to him when she first came to Andy's room years ago still stood. He was by far the sweetest space toy she had ever been fortunate enough to meet.
"What if I want this just as much as you?" she whispered to him, squeezing his hand again and grabbing the other one.
Buzz looked up at her and Jessie couldn't help but giggle at the look of disbelief on his face. But there was a look in his eyes that caused Jessie to shiver: love. The look of love burned more in those blue eyes of his than Jessie had seen anywhere else.
"Really?" he asked her. He had to be sure. He couldn't make any mistakes now.
Jessie kept the smile on her face. "Really, Buzz. I want this; I want you," she told him. "I love you."
As if to prove her point, Jessie leaned in towards him and initiated their first kiss. Buzz tensed instantly, too shocked to do anything but stare at the cowgirl before him. He felt his cheeks flare, though knew they remained their same, tan color.
When Jessie didn't pull back immediately, however, Buzz mustered all his courage and softly kissed her back, feeling his deflated pride returning ever so slowly.
They both felt the rush of electricity that traveled through them as they remained in their lip lock. Buzz's wings managed to pop out involuntarily, but Buzz found him self not embarrassed by it for the first time. He eventually found himself pulling away from Jessie, the need for air too great.
He looked to Jessie then to gauge her reaction and swore her cheeks were redder than they normally are despite them being toys. Jessie beamed at him and Buzz came to the realization that whatever memories he is missing from Sunnyside or whatever memories he may lose in the future, he will now be able to fill with memories of him and Jessie…for infinity and beyond.
"What if it what I want makes you sad at me
And if it's my fault then let me fix it please
'Cause you know that I'm always all for you
'Cause you know that I'm always all for you."
Well, I got reviews for this once, hope to get them all back! Please review!