like we used to (or: the abc's never seemed so dark.)

- part one

"How did you get here?" Tori asks him one afternoon.

The question is asked innocently - and it shouldn't be a big deal, because normal people don't hide secrets.

"How does anyone get here?" He answers in a question, taking a sip of his cranberry juice. "Talent, I guess." His nails dig into his shorts and leave blood-smeared cuts on his dark skin.

When he gets home he unlocks the door and makes his way numbly into the living room. His fingers curl around a picture of him and his parents and he lies on the carpet, drowning in the silence of memories. His mom always wanted him to fulfill his dreams and now here he is and she's gone. He kept his end of the bargain, got into Hollywood Arts for her, and she abandoned him.

Sometimes - when he'll admit it to himself - Andre hates his mother for drinking that evening, hates her for driving home by herself, hates her for the police that showed up at his door and handed him her blood smeared scarf.

B is for Beck and his stupid thoughts on beauty.

His hands cup her neck and stroke the scars that mar the pale skin.

"Why do you do this to yourself?" he asks her. Her black eyes meet his in the mirror and Jade wishes that he would just walk away now; she looks dead to everyone else but he can see the part of her that is burning (burning-burning) to pieces, still clinging to life.

Jade shrugs, examines her chipped black nails, "Why not? I'm not pretty." She speaks the words plainly. To her, they're the truth: she's as plain as the monotonous schedule of the sun and moon, as plain as plain can be. And doesn't she sound cliche now?

He kisses her forehead, makes her shudder. He knows she doesn't like the sweet kind of affection; she's a dare devil - has been, always will be.

"You're beautiful, Jade." He's serious, and that's the worst part.

Jade kisses him, feels his tongue stroke her teeth, because this way she can keep him without having to answer to anyone but herself. Because this way, she can hide back the fact that's he's momentarily rendered her speechless.

C is for Cat and colors.

She twirls in circles, giggles, tosses gold coins in the air and watches them hit the ground. Then follows the pink and crimson confetti and the blue and yellow balloons, trailing through the air like falling dreams.

She hears the whispers in school - "stay away from the freak" - although everyone thinks she's stuck in her own little world. She hears the words and chooses to dance anyways, because nothing is fun in a world made of grays and blacks.

But she hears, oh she hears.

So when she's floating in a spectrum of colors and hears him grunt above her she knows that someone else believes in the beauty of happiness; when he tenses within her and knots his harsh fingers in her hair she takes what she can get because at least, for a few minutes, someone else believes in magic.

She watches him tug up his jeans, slips fifty dollars in his hand, and lets him leave.

D is for death.

They all see it - know it exists - and yet choose to believe that they are all alone in this cold, cruel world.

"I'd catch a grenade for you, throw my hand on a blade for you, I'd jump in front of a train for you," Trina sings softly, marking another day off on the calender in her room. Another day gone; another day that she could have tripped, fallen, watched her body break, watched her blood leak out like liquid rust.

Tori slips down beside her, "Do you think about dying?" She watches the red marker in Trina's hand trace a thin, ruby line down the center of March 12th.

Trina shrugs, asks, "Did I sing the song well?"

"Yes," says Tori, hugging her sister to her. "Yes, you did."

She's lying - it sounded terrible.

E is for enchant.

Tori enchants people and she knows it.

She walks down the hallway, sees boy's heads turns, watches girls drool away with envy. She likes it - no, loves it: power, worth, meaning. She's the queen in this realm, with her skinny (skin-and-bones) body - so she doesn't eat a few meals; it's worth it - and her glorious smiles.

"They all love you," says Trina. It sounds so matter-of-fact.

Tori turns, smiles nicely because she's a good girl, "I know."

And then Jade's there with her dark aura. "Except me," she says, pointing a black painted nail at Tori. "I loathe you, Vega."

Tori is the queen, the White Witch of the North, and she determines that Jade is the Wicked Witch of the West.

That evening, when Tori Vega is showering, she closes her eyes, runs her fingers over her fat (fat-sofat) body and sings 'No One Mourns the Wicked.'

F is for forgiveness.

They fight, and that's not very unusual.

Jade goes home, rips her clothes to shreds - like those dudes in the Bible, because that supposedly helped them - and wipes the tears off her cheeks. Midnight finds her standing over Beck's bed with eyes as black and vast as the universe; her nails dig into his arm and he starts awake.

"What the hell?" Beck mumbles sleepily, then looks through bleary eyes at his girlfriend. "You're naked."

"So what?" she asks him. "Beck I'm -" But those words won't come out.

His pointer finger traces trails on her cheeks and he pulls her to rest beside him, saying, "You've been crying."

"Psh, please," she says, lying her head on his chest. He sleeps without a shirt on and somehow, in the midst of her inward struggles, she finds herself turned on by that observation.

Silence creeps over them, poisonous. "Beck," Jade tries again, "I'm so-"

(It's too hard, those simple words: I'm sorry.)

"I know," he says, kissing her throat. "I know."

Jade's hand slips under the covers and she finds that sometimes her boyfriend sleeps naked. He's inside of her before she can say a syllable. She's tight and it hurts, but she won't tell him that. Perhaps she deserves the stinging sensation; maybe this is her punishment for nearly kicking Beck out of her life again.

As they move together Jade is confident that she's been forgiven.

She always is.

G is for germs.

"Cat," Robby groans, pushing the red-haired girl further away, "you're breathing all over my burrito."

Cat giggles, "Sorry, I was just trying to reach my Sky Store magazine." She points at it and Robby hands it to her. Instantly she frowns, "Ewww, you touched it. Germs!"

Robby flushes at her teasing, "You're a female dog."

"What?" she asks, totally confused. Her eyes light up as she spots a scizzor polisher on page 14 of the magazine.

"You know," Robby says, scooting further away from her, "a female dog? A bee with an itch? I'm not comfortable saying the actual word."

"Cat," Tori says. "Robby is telling you that you're a bitch."

Cat opens her mouth, closes it, and smiles. Just smiles. The light dies from her eyes but she keeps on smiling.

She makes sure to breathe all over Robby's burrito as she leaves, slinging her backpack over her right shoulder.

H is for hiding.

They stare at each other and silently communicate; it's not as cool as it sounds.

"Sometimes," Tori says, "I think you're hiding something." She lifts her legs and twines her ankles before settling them on the grass.

Andre leans closer, invasively close, until they are sharing breathing space, "Maybe I am. But maybe it's not your business." He's never been so harsh to her before and it makes him sort of monster.

Tori blinks and stretches her fingers towards his. She links hands with him desperately, as though she is drowning and he is her life-vest. "Ok," she says softly.

"Sometimes I think you're hiding who you really are behind a mask," Andre says. He watches her expression shift and tighten.

Tori rests her head on the ground, "Sometimes it's nice to be quiet."

She's still holding his hand.

I is for ice cream.

"What flavor did you get?" Beck asks Tori.

"Blue Cotton Candy," she says, taking another bite and smearing it all over her cheeks and nose. "And you?"

"Strawberry," Beck says, looking over at her. The sun is just dipping below the mountains and yellow beams of light caress Tori's face. It makes her look really beautiful, somehow.

A pause. "You wanna make grape?" he asks, sliding closer. If you ask Beck why he wanted to kiss Tori Vega he won't tell you, because he doesn't understand his own motives - it wasn't that Jade didn't satisfy him, or he was moving on; it was more a curiosity to find out what a good girl tasted like.

"No," Tori says, touching the fingers on her left hand and smiling absentmindedly.

Beck admires her blunt attitude. "So, friends then," he says.

It's nice to have a girl who's just a friend; it's nice not to have the pressure to date there. There's not the pressure to appear your best, to stash away all of your faults.

Sometimes, Beck misses being Jade's friend.

J is for jumping.

Trina has written another play.

"Oh, Hans," she reads off the script. "All I want is to be free. I want to be free to jump to the stars and beyond!"

Robby, who is auditioning for the part of Hans, reads, "Ah, my love. Bestow upon me a kiss and you'll be free, free to jump, free I see."

As soon as their lips touch Trina lets out a girlish squeal - because his lips are cold and slimy - and she stumbles backwards, crashing into the set and breaking through it. A loud thump echoes around the room, followed by wails.

Needless to say, Trina is rushed to the hospital and returns with a leg in a cast, and Robby doesn't get the part of Hans.

"I think she liked the kiss," Robby whispers to Rex backstage.

K is for kisses and killing.

They're huddled on the couch in the school's auditorium - Jade, Tori, Cat, and Trina - watching a movie called the Killing War.

"Is there any point to this?" Tori whimpers as a gruesome scream erupts from the sound system.

Jade laughs, "What are you talking about, Vega? This movie is amazing." She cackles as someone gets their heart ripped out with a knife in the movie (and this is what she's good at: playing tough.)

Trina is crying and burrowing her head into Cat's neck. Cat claps her hands together and leans closer to the screen, "This movie is so violent." She says the words cheerfully.

"I know," Jade practically giggles.

Tori glares at the black haired antagonist, "Are you determined to scar my friends for life?"

"I think our friends will survive with only minor brain damage," Jade replies, smirking. Their eyes play a heated battle.

"Why are you so determined to ruin my life?" Tori asks, and she's been awarded the crown for Drama Queen.

Jade brushes a strand of Tori's hair behind her ear, "Because you're a goody-goody, and all goody-two shoes need to be exposed." Suddenly she captures Tori's lips with her own and they kiss fiercely. Tori can't tell if she kisses back or not; it's all too confusing.

"Why the hell did you do that?" Tori gasps when they part. "I don't - I don't swing that way, Jade."

Jade pauses, chips black paint off her nails, and says, "I'm not homo either, so chill out."

Tori wants to ask why (why on earth would she do this?) but her lips are frozen. The sounds of the movie wash over them, the screams drowning out the building silence.

"I wanted to see what a good girl tastes like," Jade says, unconsciously echoing Beck's thoughts. She licks her lips. "You taste like pain, Vega. Pain and lies."

The next day -

(shh don't tell anyone)

- Tori paints her nails black.

L is for love.

Does anyone really understand it?

.

Beck moves inside of Jade, sweating and pulsing and crying out as they squirm together; they are one.

"Do you love me?" he pants.

Jade looks at him through glazed eyes - and he thinks they shine like the moon: mysterious and breathtaking at the same time.

"What is love?" she asks him.

It's a good point, he thinks. After all, they always have been good about thinking about themselves first. That will never change -

- until he looks at those breathtaking black eyes of hers and spots the speck of goodness, a flickering candle in the midst of darkness.

They kiss and he breathes (I love you) into her mouth.

.

Cat listens to his heartbeat: thump, thump, thump, like the beat of a drum in a parade.

Dawn is creeping over the horizon and he hasn't left yet. They always leave.

"Are you okay?" she breathes in a tiny voice. She's so afraid (no she's not) that he'll hear her and get up, take her money, and leave.

They always leave.

His lips press softly against her neck. "Yes," he says just as quietly.

Cat won't introduce him to anyone else, won't even admit his identity to herself because then it might not be real, but she'll treasure him here, all to herself.

He doesn't leave -

- and she believes that there's still magic in the world left for someone as despicable as herself.

.

They hold hands in secret places, play games that will eventually end in heartbreak.

"Sometimes," Tori tells Andre, stroking his thick brown hair, "I think I love you."

He looks into her eyes, "You're still playing games, Victoria." Oh she hates (hates-hates) it when he uses her full first name.

They hold hands in secret places and play games, but don't kiss.

.

Not many people discover what love truly is, but when they do, they'd better hold on to it with everything they have.

True love is more precious than anything in the world.

( -tbc- )