Put Your Brave Face On Chapter 1: Only Way Out Is Through, a glee fanfic

This is set in the episode 'Furt' and Carole and Burt have offered Kurt the chance to leave McKinley to attend Dalton instead where he will be safer. In the episode, Kurt leaves...but in my version, he decides to stay. I am a massive fan of the show, and I admit the main attraction is Kurt. I know what he went through, being a gay teenager myself it was difficult and he represents everything I should have been like, he says all the things I should have said to my tormenters and I admire him for that. Any homophobic comments will instantly deleted and the perpetrator will be blocked. I will not let that poison linger around any of my stories. I sadly do not own Kurt Hummel or Glee.

Please review...it puts crumbs of pride on the table for my family of self-confidences ~ Maisy-Shane x

Whenever Kurt Hummel came out as gay to someone, he couldn't help but notice the gears in their heads begin to shift, starting to mesh and make sense. But the one thing he saw in their eyes, the one thing that crossed their mind immediately after he revealed his sexuality, was: why did he choose to be gay? Some people had actually voiced this question, and whenever they did he would walk away. They assumed he had consciously chosen his sexual orientation; they wondered what had triggered such a choice, perhaps a negative past with the opposite sex? Perhaps no past with the opposite sex because he couldn't get any? Or maybe he'd never tasted a true woman [insert grotesque thrust here].

Kurt didn't decide to be gay, no one did unless they were merely pretending and that facade really didn't last very long, just like Kurt's facade of being heterosexual didn't last long at all. Maybe a day or so. But despite this fact, people didn't stop blaming him for being gay. People declared that he had given into temptation, that he was a sinner or some of that bullshit. That kind of talk made Kurt lose faith with God, and day by day he was losing faith in people.

People like Dave Karofsky.

The way Dave Karofsky looked at him, Kurt knew that every inch of Karofsky's peculiarly underdeveloped brain was attempting to work out what had made him decide to be gay. Whatever the reason, Karofsky hated it and he wanted to beat it out of Kurt. To Dave, the reason Kurt was gay was sitting inside him like a tumour. And recently, he discovered he had the exact same thing. Karofsky realised that he wasn't that different from Kurt, and that sickened him. It shook his very core. He wanted to blame someone, and since Kurt was the only gay person he knew, he chose to blame him. Lashing out made Karofsky feel like he was battling his own inner demons, his inner emotions. Though Kurt desperately wanted to sympathise, he struggled to...and for good reason.

Dave Karofsky had stolen Kurt's first kiss...well one that counted, and then he threatened his life if he ever told anyone about it. Ever since he'd been sexually aware, Kurt had fantasized about his first ever kiss, how he'd tilt his head ever so slightly to the right, how he'd keep his eyes locked with whoever was kissing him and then eventually let his eyelids droop and spin out of control into the flurrying array of emotions that would explode inside of him. Of course, nothing could ever have fulfilled Kurt's wild expectation of what his first kiss would be like, but at least he could have chosen who he was sharing that special moment with. Unfortunately, even that was taken away from him.

The rough, sport damaged hands had clutched his head somewhat harshly, tugging him in so their lips collided like two opposing cars. Whilst Karofsky soared into those emotions, Kurt simply skidded and felt that dream burst into fierce flames. Karofsky had pulled away, a whimper leaving his mouth. He went in for a second kiss, but Kurt had denied him that, leaping backwards. He didn't want to hurt the other boy's feelings...he just couldn't believe that the person who had shoved him into lockers had just shoved his lips against his in an almost romantic, desperate way.

Then things just became darker. Karofsky was hurt by the rejection, and was fuming over the fact he had been turned down by a homo, someone who, in his mind, would do anything to someone of the same gender. Being rejected by that prissy faggot burned him to his very core, and he then grew scared. Terrified that the little queer would go running to his friends, laughing over how he turned Karofsky down, how pathetic and gay he was. So, Karofsky did what he knew best. He used violence as a tool of control. He threatened Kurt's life.

It wasn't long before the adults found out, and each of them was furious. Principal Sylvester, though exteriorly calm and collected, clenched her jaw. Burt Hummel, not so discreet about his rage, bore his eyes into Dave's. Paul Karofsky, his own father, turned against him. And Dave Karofsky was expelled.

"This psycho threatens my kid's life and some school board made up of a bunch of people I've never even heard of, say there's nothing they can do about it," Burt Hummel fumed, his hands clutched tightly together like Dave's throat was in between them.

Kurt sat between his dad and step-mom, staring in horror at Principal Sue Sylvester's face. He couldn't help but think about the time he was last in this office, how Sue had expelled his tormenter in one swift, fatal swoop. All of those worries, all of those fears, were thrown onto the fire and he had admired how quickly they melted away. Now, he'd discovered they weren't damaged in the least and had returned bright and new...and just as petrifying. Words flew right over his head, reasons and excuses charging right through him and he just focused on distinguishing the tears teetering at the edge, ready to commit suicide to leap down his cheeks to their certain death.

When the Hummels were dismissed, Kurt had to swallow his tears and collect his posture, not wanting to be seen quivering and looking utterly defeated. No, this couldn't beat him. He was so much stronger than this, he had to keep moving on...but the dread lingered over him and he felt his voice wobble when he spoke.

"I'll see you at home..." he breathed, making to turn away before he collapsed into a fit of tears.

"Hey Kurt...wait up a second..." Burt Hummel called.

Next thing Kurt knew, he was standing out in the parking lot, arms crossed across his chest as he awaited this big thing his dad wanted to discuss with him. He kind of wished Carole wasn't standing there, looking up full of sympathy. Not that he didn't want her around; just that she was new to the homophobia, new to dealing with a gay child. His dad was better at handling these kinds of situations...kind of.

"What is it, Dad?" Kurt said after Burt and Carole exchanged another sideways glance, communicating mutely through mere eye contact and it made Kurt feel out of place though he was the topic of discussion. "Glee Club starts in half an hour and I want to...pull myself together before I tell the others the news."

His dad looked at him at long last and pressed his lips awkwardly together. "Carole and I have been talking about this ever since we found out about that Karofsky kid. We wanted to make a backup plan in case anything like that happened again...since it's come to that, I want to officially give you the option to leave McKinley and study at Dalton."

Kurt blinked rapidly as his stomach somersaulted and his heart clenched in his chest, the breath in his nostrils catching making a strange small sound. He cast his eyes downwards as he thought of Blaine...a selfish part of him thought about the Dalton boy, how they would grow closer being at the same school and maybe fall into some sort of romantic situation. A flush of warmth spread over Kurt's mouth as he imagined their first kiss, Blaine's lips against his own but then the chapped ones of Karofsky's crept over it and caused him to shudder.

"Kurt, we kinda need an answer now," Burt Hummel cut into Kurt's consciousness.

"He's right, sweetie," Carole joined in, linking her arm with his father's. "We've contacted Dalton already, but they want an answer as soon as possible because...well so many people apply to transfer there. We only got considered because of Principal Sylvester's...persuading techniques." She gave an awkward half smile. "The sooner we call them, the more likely it is you'll be accepted."

Kurt inhaled deeply, his lungs feeling tight and compressed, like they were refusing the oxygen he breathed. He swiped a tongue over his extremely dry lips. The fading bruises from Karofsky's shoves into the metal lockers on Kurt's back ached as if they too were pleading with him to consider the offer, to say yes a thousand times over. Even though he knew the zero tolerance for bullying would protect him, and even though the concept of spending more time with Blaine Anderson made him want to clap his hands together and smile non-stop, something stopped him. A stab of doubt plunged into his chest and his hands remained bound to his chest, the throbbing of his heart banging against his arm. His dad opened his mouth as if to repeat the last statement made by his wife in case his son hadn't heard but Kurt interrupted him.

"Homophobia's everywhere," Kurt murmured lowly, not meeting any of their gazes. "I can't run away from it...Dalton is the safer option, of course, but..." he sighed, shaking his head as he finally looked up. "I have too much here to run away. I have my friends, I have Glee Club. If I run away, what am I saying to all the closeted gays here at this school? Don't come out, and if you do run as fast as you can? No..."

"Kurt, you're not a frigging martyr," Burt Hummel said, his voice firm though concerned. "Okay? You're not risking your safety for the benefit of all the other gays at your school, provided there is any. Listen to me; you're my son, Kurt. Your safety comes first no matter what the situation is. Carole and I are giving you the money saved for our honeymoon to pay for the tuition, and I insist that you take this offer. That kid threatened your life...and if anything happened to you..." his voice cracked with suppressed tears, eyes shining though he briskly rubbed them away.

"Dad," Kurt sighed, a vice gripping his heart at the mere sight of his dad crying over his well-being. Guilt rippled inside of him, and he just wanted to say yes but, again, he couldn't. "I'm staying at McKinley. You heard Principal Sue; she's going to be an extra pair of eyes. Who knows, maybe Karofsky won't pull another stunt knowing he'll be expelled if she or anyone else catches sight of him. The Glee Club have my back, so does Sue, Mr. Schue, and my brother. I'm not alone anymore."

"I can't force you to change your mind," Burt admitted reluctantly, readjusting his baseball cap out of discomfort. "I will just ask you one more time. Don't answer now," he held up a hand when Kurt went to reply. "I will ask you tomorrow; give you some time to sleep on it. Carole and I leave for our honeymoon tomorrow evening if you still refuse. Just think about it, okay, Kurt? For me?"

Kurt hesitated momentarily, wondering that if he left this question too long that he will realise how stupid it was and he'd chicken out of staying. He gave a meek nod, letting his arms fall down as his father crossed over quickly to embrace him, the hug he received whenever the pair had argued or conquered another hardship.

"I love you," Burt reminded him, squeezing him tightly.

"I love you too," Kurt returned, resting his cheek on his dad's shoulder, closing his eyes allowing those tears to skid down his face.

000

Glee Club was sitting there, as he was a little over three minutes late, already in the midst of Mr. Schue's introduction to the session.

"Come on guys, the wedding was great but we have got to get ready for sectionals next week," Will Schue was saying enthusiastically, interrupting the small talk being exchanged between the club members. When he saw Kurt, a crooked half smile crossed his mouth. "Kurt, good I wanna talk to you about this amazing idea of a solo for you at Sectionals."

"Can I make an announcement first?" Kurt asked, attempting to maintain a straight face. When the teacher nodded, Kurt turned to face his fellow club members. He considered telling them...no, a massive part of him wanted to tell them. To hear what they had to say about it, to hear their opinions, but most of all have their permission for him to go. Kurt couldn't do that though, a part of his nature was that he had to go through everything alone. People seeing him vulnerable...made him extremely uncomfortable. So, despite desiring comfort from his newfound group of friends, he swept that part of the announcement under the carpet.

"I want to thank everyone for what you did at my dad's wedding, especially Finn," Kurt struggled not to choke on his words, a sob threatening to break loose. "It's nice to know I have true friends here, as well as a true brother. Um..." he dropped his eyes down to his hands, noticing that they were trembling. When he closed his eyes, he could've sworn he heard the words 'I'm gonna kill you' hiss in his ear. Steadying himself, he reopened them and looked on at his friends, who peered up at him with anticipation and sympathy. Kurt looked at Mr. Schue. "Is it okay if...if I sing something?"

Mr. Schue blinked but that was followed by another smile, collecting the music sheets and gesturing that the floor was Kurt's, taking a seat next to Brittany. Kurt uneasily licked his lips, standing there before his friends awkwardly, the heat scorching his face as he blushed, opening his mouth, unaccompanied by music:

"Every time you raise your voice
I see the greener grass
Every time you run for cover
I see this pasture
Every time we're in a funk
I picture a different choice
Every time we're in a rut
This distant grandeur

My tendency to want to do away feels natural and
My urgency to dream of softer places feels understandable

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

Every time I'm confused
I think there must be easier ways
Every time our horns are locked I'm towel throwing
Every time we're at a loss, we've bolted from difficulty
Anytime we're in stalemate of final bowing

My tendency to want to hide away feels easier and
The immediacy is picturing another place comforting to go

We could just walk away and hide our heads in the sand
We could just call it quits, only to start all over again
With somebody else

Every time we're stuck in struggle, I'm down for the count that day
Every time I dream of quick fix I'm assuaged
Now I know it's hard when it's through
And I'm damned if I don't know quick fix way
But formerly mistreat me silence now outdated

My tendency to want to run feels unnatural now
The urgency to want to give to you I don't want most feels good

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll get better
The only way out is through ultimately..."

Kurt allowed his voice to drift, shuffling his feet in the uncomfortable atmosphere in the room that was being gulped by silence. Mr. Schue, as usual, led the applause, though the claps sounded confused rather than enthusiastic or impressed. Kurt would've usually demanded what had been wrong with his performance, but he understood that it wasn't that he didn't sing it well, but that no one understood why he had chosen that song. They had all probably been expecting an upbeat tune with thank yous being thrown around like confetti. But that wasn't the case, and they sat there, staring up at the figure of Kurt Hummel that seemed to shrink before their eyes as he took up his satchel, taking a seat at the back of the group, not looking or speaking to anyone. At least the song had helped Kurt make up his mind...

000

Kurt received a text from his step-brother during Glee Club, which read: I'll give you a lift home need to talk, though of course this was a neat and decipherable version compared to Finn's rather misspelt and rushed text.

Kurt felt Finn's eyes on him, as if he was waiting for Kurt to meet his gaze for the first time since the session had started. Kurt simply put his phone back in his pocket and folded his arms, watching Mr. Schue keenly to ignore the stare his step-brother was giving him. Glee Club was uncharacteristically uncomfortable, everyone speaking much less than usual, apart from Rachel who seemed to be speaking more, every now and then jerking her head from Finn's shoulder to raise her hand in the air though no one was battling her for their chance to speak.

Kurt's mind was slipping away, however, and he found himself thinking about Karofsky, the ghost of the rough kiss covering his mouth, suffocating him. He subconsciously brought his fingers to his lips, running them over slowly. When Karofsky had gone in for a second time, what had he wanted? Another kiss? Or maybe more...Kurt tensed at the thought of Karofsky shoving him against the locker to take not only his first kiss but also his first time. He started to visibly shake, bouncing his knee up and down as he started to wonder what would have happened to him if he hadn't have pushed the other boy away, what would have became of him? Would they have been caught and Karofsky expelled? Would Kurt even be sitting there now with the same concerns throbbing in his skull? Would he be worrying about his bully returning to the school, or would he be joining in the group discussion, fighting Rachel for his chance to speak, sitting aside Mercedes exchanging eye rolls and smirks whenever Rachel was shot down or whenever Brittany gave one of her nonsensical trademark responses?

The bell screeched out and Mr. Schue brought his hands together, rubbing them slightly, eyes looking at the clock to confirm that it was time to leave.

"Okay, everyone, tomorrow we'll start looking at solos," he declared as the members began to collect their stuff. "Go through your music tonight, find songs you'll think will be good for Sectionals and bring them back to me. I want to try to showcase everyone this time! So Rachel, that means that you may not get a solo..."

As Rachel burst into a rant that was on the brink of becoming a full blown tantrum, everyone dispersed and Kurt was grateful no one approached him apart from Finn, who waited for him.

"Hey, Kurt, wait for me by your locker," Finn said softly to his step-brother. "I'll just wait for Rachel to finish her rant and then I'll meet you there. Don't run off without me 'cos I will catch up to you. I should be out in like five minutes." When Rachel's pitch reached a new height, he cringed before adding: "Make that fifteen."

Kurt firstly intended to disobey his step-brother's request, just walk home to have some thinking time to himself but he knew that he couldn't keep Finn in the dark. If he didn't tell him, his dad and Carole would. So he stood by his locker, his back against the metal so he could keep an eye out for Finn. He couldn't help the fear that snuck into his consciousness, eyes darting around in case Karofsky would suddenly appear. Kurt hugged himself, imagining it was his dad who was holding him, protecting him from the bad things the world had to offer. He swallowed hard as a lump that he was pretty sure was his heart rose in his throat, gaining slight comfort from the distant sound of Rachel shouting in the distance. The school was kind of empty at this point, cars pulling away, stray students who had stayed behind after class now making their way through the hall, checking their phones or rereading notes made by their teachers on their work.

No one seemed to notice how Kurt's back was pressed firmly against his locker, pushing himself flatter against it whenever they went past him. He cursed Finn in his head, knowing he'd be a quarter of the way home by now if he had just walked. He took out his phone to text him when he saw he had three missed calls and a text. He tutted as he saw the calls were all off of his dad, expecting the text to be from him too demanding where he was. But, to his surprise, it wasn't Burt Hummel's capital lettered text with numerous spelling errors. It was a tidy text; correct spelling of everything with one smiley face rather than the fifteen his father tried to squeeze into every sentence.

Hey, Kurt. I was wondering if you wanted to get a coffee over the weekend. My treat of course and then maybe see a movie? Sorry no musicals out right now but I'm sure you can get through a film without a musical number – Blaine :)

A smile crept onto Kurt's face which quickly transitioned into a wide grin and he bit his bottom lip, feeling his body turn slightly to the left and then to the right. He reread it again and again, trying to analyse every single thing that was written, trying to decipher the hidden meaning behind each of the words. My treat, eh? Kurt pondered on whether it was a date or not, and thought to ask Mercedes later.

"Kurt."

In his utter panic, Kurt dropped his phone on the floor, blood running suddenly cold in his veins and his skin prickling as if it had leapt from his very body and had quickly reattached itself. Finn stood there in front of him, eyes wide in bewilderment and shock. Never had he seen Kurt so jumpy.

"God dammit, Finn!" Kurt yelled, rubbing his eyes with his sleeve as they felt damp, diving to the ground to collect his phone. Fear forgotten, it was replaced by anger as he saw a crack on the screen. "Look what you did you idiot!"

Finn put his hands up in surrender. "Jeez, sorry man I didn't mean to. I-I'll pay for a new one..."

"With what money, genius?" Kurt snapped, swearing under his breath when his phone's screen remained black. "My dad just bought me this. Urgh, he's going to be so pissed off at me."

"No I'll take the blame, man, I swear," Finn remained calm, not raising his voice in the slightest and that drove Kurt insane. "I'll explain it was my fault." When silence fell between them, he spoke gently. "Why did you jump so much, dude? It's like you were waiting to be pounced on."

"I-it's nothing," Kurt muttered, pushing his phone into his bag for the mere sight of it made his blood boil.

"You always were a crappy liar, Kurt," Finn said, earning a defiant stare. "I don't get what's your deal. What was with that song in Glee Club today? It was like...like you were saying you have to fight something. Is there someone else who's bullying you? If there is, you can totally tell me and I'll beat them down, I swear it to you. I got your back, remember?"

"It's no one new, Finn," Kurt retorted. "I chose that song because it's showing how I'm getting through the whole K-Karofsky thing and putting it behind me. It's over, finished." Why was he lying? There was no point, his dad and Carole would explain, and it would be pretty damn obvious when Dave Karofsky reappeared in the corridors. But Kurt couldn't tell him, he didn't want to. So he just gritted his teeth and raised an eyebrow. "Can we just go now please? I have a lot of homework to do."

"Fine, whatever," Finn grumbled, blatantly annoyed. Finn felt left in the dark, and he knew something was going down. Kurt had been so happy at school ever since Karofsky had been expelled, and then all of a sudden he's called into Sue's office and is then is all antisocial and pissy and nervous. Something was totally going down, and Finn was going to find out, be it from Kurt or from his mom and step-dad.

TBC

The song I used is "Out Is Through" by Alanis Morisette; the song choice was utterly random whilst I was writing this. I bought the song and was listening to it when I realised the words went so well with Kurt and Karofsky's situation. It's all about getting through the worse and not running away, and that is what Kurt is desperately trying to do.

I will state right now that I do not support the whole Kurt and Karofsky pairing. A lot of readers absolutely adore them as a couple, since they sympathise with Karofsky and just want him to be happy etc. I do like the whole Karofsky storyline because that does happen, but I do not see him with Kurt simply because I have been through homophobic bullying and I for one would not happily fall in love or even want to be involved with any of those people who made my days miserable just because they said sorry or just because they were scared. Everyone hates themselves when they first realise their sexuality, they feel disgusting and scared, scared to lose family and friends, about hell etc. But when a gay person acts out at other gay people with violence, they will never be truly comfortable with their sexual orientation and they could basically explode into a fit of rage/violence at any point. I for one would not feel safe being in a relationship with someone who used to physically harm me; just stating my opinion.

Please review and thank you for reading. This will be continued shortly.