10/23/2012: I am sorely lacking in writing motivation right now, so I thought it might spur me on a bit if I went back to revisit an old story. The first four chapters of this story were written 18-19 months ago. I had many things going on then, both with other stories and on a personal level, so I never went any farther with this story. But now, I thought I'd try to bring some closure to it. If you're just finding this story now, I hope it flows for you. It's definitely AU from where the show is now. And please realize that we were in the middle of S3 when those first 4 chapters were written, so author's notes probably reflect that, but I'm not going to go change all of them. If new readers have comments on the first 4 chapters, I would still LOVE to hear them.

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First of all, this is smut, through and through. But it's not Castle/Beckett smut, so if that's disturbing to you, don't read any farther.

That said, the premise of this has been bugging me a little bit since the ending of Countdown...we know how close Castle and Beckett appeared to get during the case; life and death moments and all of that. We could all surmise how being so close to death multiple times would be an ordeal for them to handle, once they got home. I figured that at some point, it would all hit them. We know from the look on Castle's face that he was hurting. Beckett looked...well, I don't know. But my premise with this story is that Kate has Josh, or she thinks she does, but how much comfort is he, really? How much comfort can he be, because he doesn't know the full extent of what went on or how dire things really were (at least for the bomb). Does he really even know (or care to find out) what she needs?

And he goes home with her. And we all know what they probably did when they got home. Hence the smut. And be warned, you might find it disturbing smut.

So, enough of an introduction. Like I said, this has been bugging me. I have ideas for more if it's not total garbage. But if it is total garbage, let me know and I'll just delete it and we'll pretend it never happened, and I'll go back to 'The Plan' and 'Blizzard'.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. And even if I did, there would be no way you could ever see this on TV on Monday nights.

Kate had finally made it back to her apartment with Josh, grateful to have someone to lean on. Grateful, so grateful that he decided to stay with her. She needed that right now. Everything was starting to catch up with her, her emotions of the last couple of days-the case coupled with almost dying several times-were threatening to get the best of her and were very close to wiping her out into exhaustion.

"Oh, baby, I'm so glad you're okay." He pulled her into his arms and held her, caressing and massaging her back in comfort. She wrapped her arms around his waist and leaned into him, trying to draw strength from him. She let herself just revel in the fact that he was here for her, that he came back for her, and that he was holding her now. For the first time since she and Castle were almost frozen to death, she was starting to feel warm. Not the warm that had to do with the temperature, but really, truly, in-the-bones warm, that had to do with having that special person be there for you. Emotionally warm as well as physically warm. She could let herself just be; be grateful she was alive, be grateful that she would live to see tomorrow, be grateful that she and Castle had saved Manhattan. Standing there in Josh's arms, with him kneading her muscles so expertly, she could finally start to feel that contentment, to relax. She just wanted to savor the feeling; maybe she'd finally be able to relax enough to get some sleep. She knew she was exhausted; now she was starting to feel that exhaustion. She thought again that it just felt so good to have someone hold her, especially when he wasn't even supposed to be there, but had come back. Just for her.

After standing there, wrapped around each other for several minutes, she realized that his caresses, his touches, were now becoming slightly different. His hands were dipping under her sweater to caress her bare back, and every so often they dipped inside the waistband of her pants. But she didn't respond; in her exhaustion, she thought she must be imagining things. He was there for her. He came back for her. He was here to comfort her because of the emotional toll and the stress of this case, of almost dying. But the longer she stood there with him, the less she could deny it. His caresses weren't so much comforting anymore. She knew him, and she knew he was trying to arouse her. She knew he was getting aroused. She knew he loved to run his large hands all over her body, and she could feel him start to do that. His movements were no longer intended to comfort; now there was a different intent. And normally, she liked that too. But nothing about how she felt right now was normal. Tonight, she'd been looking for comfort, and only comfort, after that extremely trying and life-changing-almost life-ending-couple of days. And now, it seemed that they would be having sex. Normally, that would be great. But now...she closed her eyes tightly against the thoughts and feelings that were pummeling her now.

Well, sex was life-affirming, wasn't it? And she was alive. She should celebrate that. And there was a handsome man here, with his hands all over her, down her pants, and he obviously was hot for her. He wanted her. She could feel the evidence of that want pressed against her hip. She knew it could be hot, and good, and mind-numbing, and she could feel that rush. So shouldn't she grab hold of that and take what he had to offer?

She ignored the small voice inside of her that said that what he was offering, what he was doing, wasn't what she needed right now, at this moment. She ignored the small voice that wanted to pull away and yell at him and say 'I almost died three times in the last couple of days, and all you can think about is getting in my pants and screwing me?' But she couldn't say that. This was Josh, and he stayed for her. He was a good guy, and their relationship, what it was, worked well. This was Josh, and she knew he was good in bed; he could make her forget what had happened today, at least for a little while. This was Josh, and he stayed for her, and right now, he wanted her. He stayed for her. That thought kept running through her mind. Regardless of what she did or didn't feel like doing right now, that thought remained.

So she tried to shut her mind off, and she just tried to let herself feel. She tried to forget how she just wanted the comfort of being held, and she tried to tell herself that whatever she felt as he used his hands to feel her body was enough. She concentrated on his hands as they now splayed themselves on the back of her head and tilted it up, so his mouth could crash down on hers. She felt his tongue as it demanded entry into her mouth to sweep around and do battle with hers. She felt as his hands moved under her sweater to her bare sides, and then as they whipped the sweater over her head as he momentarily broke the kiss.

The sweater tossed aside, she did what she felt was expected, what was the next logical step, what she would have done if this had been any normal night between them after any normal day. She reached for the waistband of his jeans and made short work of undoing it and pushing his jeans down. She wasn't surprised, given his state of urgency, to find that he was going commando, and as she pushed down his pants, she freed his already-engorged cock. As soon as he was free he grabbed her bottom and ground her against him.

He undid her bra and pulled it off, bending right away to take possession of her nipple with his mouth. He sucked and teased it with his tongue as he massaged the other breast with his hand. Then he took his tongue and ran it all the way across her chest as his mouth turned its attention to her other breast. She'd never really told him, but she didn't really like when he licked her that much...it made her feel like a human popsicle. And now, as the air of the room hit the wet trail left by his tongue, it made her shiver in response as it brought back the feeling of the freezer. Of course, he took the shiver to be one of passion, and he groaned in response, pushing her down to sit on the bed, then taking her head to guide it toward his cock, which was straining toward her.

She knew what he wanted, but she just didn't know if she had it in her right now. She looked up at him, and said quietly "Josh?" She pleaded with her eyes for him to understand how she was feeling right now, but she could see that her hope was futile.

He looked down at her and she could see the bright passion in his eyes when he said in a husky voice, "Come on, baby, you're the best. You're so good with that hot mouth of yours. Just a little bit..." As he finished his words, his hips slowly moved forward and his hands on her head gently eased her mouth closer to that engorged part of him that seemed to be reaching for her.

He stayed for me. He could be in Haiti right now, but he stayed for me. The thought kept running through her head. She just wanted to be held and drop into a peaceful, warm sleep where there were no bombs and no cold freezers. 'He stayed for me. He could be in Haiti right now, but he stayed for me.' The thought, the guilt for not wanting to do what he wanted even when he gave up so much for her, to stay with her, coursed through her. So she did the only thing that she felt she could do, even if it was the last thing that she wanted or needed right now; she let his hands guide her head forward and she took him into her mouth.

She drew him in as much as she could, and she could feel his fingers massaging the back of her head as he murmured "Oh, yeah..." She closed her eyes and concentrated on pleasuring him, using her tongue to massage the part of his shaft that was inside her mouth. She drew her head back, despite the pressure of the fingers on the back of her head urging her mouth to stay where it was. She retreated, but kept the pressure of her lips constant as they traveled down toward the head. When she was there, she took her tongue and ran it around the head of his cock, teasing him with just the tip of her tongue, as the wetness of her mouth mixed with the wetness slowly leaking from him.

He groaned again as he gave a little thrust of his hips and pushed himself further into her mouth again. "Ooooo...Kate...God, I knew you had a hot mouth. Oh, baby...yes..." He pulsed his hips again as he drove further into her mouth.

Kate was glad, somewhere in her, that she was giving him pleasure, but she was exhausted, mentally and physically, and she'd had the trauma of being close to death several times in close succession. She needed to decompress. She needed to try to relax, to process the recent events. She needed to be comforted by someone who cared, and she needed to sleep. She didn't need to be sucking on her boyfriend's cock. Not right now. And she realized that she just couldn't do it anymore. She drew back suddenly and laid down on the bed. "Josh..." she told him, reaching out her arms to him and hoping against hope that he would somehow understood that she just needed to be held. She felt tears filling her eyes. He took a labored breath while gazing hungrily at her partially naked body. Then he reached down toward her on the bed and after grabbing the waistband of her pants, yanked them down without even bothering to undo the waistband. She could see the button pop off and the zipper pull apart as the pants gave way, the fabric scraping her hips as he roughly pulled them down and off her legs. He also took the few seconds to finish pushing his pants down and then he crawled back on the bed toward her. Before he laid on top of her, he reached behind her knees and spread her legs wide, so she was open to him. He pressed her into the mattress as his mouth found hers again while he ground his pelvis against her, yet not entering her, though she felt his engorged cock rubbing against her intimately. When he felt her, he gave a quiet moan and muttered something that sounded like 'oh, baby...'. She tried to just hold him, with still arms around his back, hugging him to her, once again trying to telegraph to him her need for simple human comforting contact that had nothing to do with sex, but once again, he didn't get the non-verbal message as his lips moved from her mouth to suck on her neck, once sucking so hard that she whimpered in response, certain that it would leave a mark on her. But he took the whimper as one of ecstacy, not pain, and his lips moved back down to her breasts to suck and tease her nipples. He never seemed to notice that she wasn't the willing, encouraging participant that she normally was. He was making small moans here and there, letting her know that his pleasure was increasing.

He rolled partially off her body so he could reach a hand down in between her spread-eagle legs so he could touch her intimately. He began to rub that sensitive spot as he sucked on her nipples and nuzzled her breasts with his face. She felt him slip a few fingers into her as his thumb kept rubbing her nerve-filled nub. Part of her just wanted to lose herself in the sensations, because she knew he could make her come, and forget everything that she had been through, even if it was only for a few blissful minutes. And it would be good...it always was. But some part of her still felt like somehow, this was just...wrong. She didn't know how, but she knew she was conflicted.

But then she made herself lay there and let him have his way with her, to ravish her body and take pleasure from her, because she felt she owed him. He stayed for her. The thought filtered back into her mind...he stayed for her, so she had to give them a chance. And this was part of it.

She tried to shut her mind off and concentrate on the fingers pumping into her, and the thumb pressing onto her most sensitive area with expert precision. She felt the first inklings of her release, and Josh must have sensed it too because he murmured into her ear with hot breath, in between kisses and sucking bites on her neck. "That's it, babe. You're so wet. God, I love how wet you get. I just need to be in you now. I want to be so deep in you..." he finished as he captured her mouth once again. He removed his fingers and rolled over her again, grabbing her behind her thighs to pull her legs wide apart again as he positioned his shaft and drove into her with one hard, firm stroke.

The shock of it made her cry out. The reality of his manhood driving inside her was so much more encompassing than his fingers had been. Her cry of shock was once again mistaken for pleasure, and it spurred him on to push into her with more driving force, so that she could hear him breathing hard with the effort, and she could hear how their bodies pressed into the mattress with each long, firm stroke of his. They were lucky they were at the end of the bed, because he was riding her so strongly that every time he withdrew and plunged back into her wet heat, he drove her further up the bed. He kept pumping into her, amidst breathy pants, finally ordering her, "Wrap your legs around me. Tight. I love it when you hold me in you like that." She blindly did as he instructed and at the same time, he somehow slipped his hand in between them to find her again. He pressed and rubbed her relentlessly, telling her "Come on, baby, I want to feel you come when I'm inside you. I want to feel you clamp onto me when you come...you're so tight then...come on..." His hips sped up their pumping and his hand kept rubbing in her wetness until she felt her orgasm shatter through her. He removed his hand then and braced his hands on her hips as he used them to slam them together even more forcefully a couple of times as she rode the bliss of her release, until, on a swearing cry of "Oh, yeah...fuck, yeah...ohhhh..." he pushed into her a few more times as she felt his cock explode inside of her and spill himself deep within her.

He laid full on her for several minutes until she tried to shift a little bit, and then he finally rolled off onto his side by her. She tried to move to pull some blankets down so she could cuddle under them; they'd never gotten around to that before in their-no, in Josh's-haste for sex.

He felt what she was doing and moved a bit so he could get under the blankets too. She turned on her side, facing away from him, but it was something they did a lot when they fell asleep spooning. But when he put his arm around her, he snaked it around to her front and wrapped his hand around her breast. Somehow, for some reason that she couldn't pinpoint, the gesture bothered her. Just one more thing that bothered her about this whole night.

But she got more of an idea of exactly why it bothered her seconds later as he adjusted his body under the blankets, when he said "That was hot," as he pressed a kiss to her neck. "But I really need to get some sleep. You wore me out." The sleepily stated words made her mouth drop open and her eyes clench tightly shut. He needed to get some sleep? Him? What about her? Why didn't he ask her if she was tired and wanted to sleep? What about how she almost died today, and was exhausted, but he had still expected her to put out for him? She knew that wasn't the sum total of it, but with her raw emotions and his cavalier words, that's how she felt now. She felt like nothing more than a sex object; she felt used, cheap. And she'd allowed it.

She knew she went ahead with it because he stayed, and she felt like she had to show him that he didn't make a mistake by staying with her. That she was willing to give them a chance, and that she could put his needs and desires first. But it still hurt, and the high that she'd felt when she told Castle that they had a chance because he stayed was being slowly-no, quickly-dampened by what they'd just done.

They'd had sex, as they'd done a lot of times before. But tonight she'd needed comfort, only comfort, without sex, and he hadn't sensed that. And she didn't want to have to tell him that...she wanted him to know. She wanted him to realize that on his own. Why couldn't he see that? Yes, he was considerate enough to make sure that she she came too, but the pessimistic part of her said that it was only because it helped him get off. And he had actually said as much when he was inside her, stroking her. Was it pessimism, or was it that she was just seeing reality now? Didn't near-death experiences give you renewed clarity in how you saw your life?

Whatever it was, it didn't change how she felt right now, and she didn't like it. She liked sex as much as the next person, but right now, she felt...she couldn't say it. She'd already admitted it to herself once. If she did it again, she felt like she'd break down.

She needed to sleep. Still annoyed at the position that Josh had taken, she gently took his hand off her breast and placed it in back of her, and then grabbed the pillow that had fallen on the floor and hugged it to her chest. She closed her eyes, willing sleep to come to her soon. She hoped Castle was having a more restful, peaceful night than she was. And at that thought, she felt tears form in her eyes. She tried to shut her eyes more tightly, but the tears slipped out anyway, wetting the pillow under her face as she finally slipped into the sleep that she had been craving since she first walked through her apartment door.

Like I said, if it's garbage, just tell me. I'll take it down. I know it's weird, especially for me, queen of the fluff, to have a story like this, and with no Castle. But like I said, it's been bouncing around in my head so I finally decided to get it out of there.

I almost hate to mention it, but let me know what you think?