I disclaim. I own nothing.

AN: This is my first SOA fic, but the wait until season 4 is painful especially with still being a month or two away from getting any info regarding the new season. So to keep myself sane, I decided to write a season 4 fic. This story picks up right where season 3 ended. I decided to write a story dealing with Jax's guilt in how he treated Tara for the better part of season 3 and how his guilt manifest itself into self-doubt and fear of what Tara is doing without him.

At least the first two chapter will take place with the guys in prison, the story is from Jax's POV. Also, this story rated M for a reason.

This Life That I've Had

Chapter 1

Week One:

Hey Babe,

I'll make this quick as I know any minute now Gemma will be blowing up your phone. Probably be banging down the door if she could leave the house. I'm going to need you to burn this letter after you finish and I'm sorry for all the James Bond shit, but you have to know the truth and that truth has to stay within.

The Club will be doing short time. Fourteen months babe, fourteen months and I'll be back with you and our boys. This deal with Stahl, it needed to be done, Clay and the guys all agreed. But you and mom had to be out of it, they all agreed on that, too. I'm not going in a rat. So when I come back to you it won't be in a box.

I made arrangements with Lowen, the papers should be there within the week. I want Abel to be with you. Gemma's gonna shit, but you're his mom. He belongs with you.

I am so sorry for the last few months, Ima, pushing you away like I did. It makes me sick just to think about it. You're not just my family Tara, you're my home, the thought of something happening to you tears me apart. Now I realize the best way to keep you safe is to keep you with me. I promise you Tara, on my life, that I'll never push you away again. I know what I need to do now. And I know I can only do it with you at my side.

I love you, I love our boys. Always.

Jax

Jax,

Lowen said it'll be a couple of weeks before we can see you guys. Needless to say your mother had more than a few words to about that. I guess you figure that by going to prison we can avoid a few things, like that fist to the face you so truly deserve. I don't know if you realize I now have some time to get really pissed off.

I miss you. You've been gone a day and already I miss you so much I can't stand it. Last night I wore one of your shirts to bed and wrapped myself around a pillow to fool myself into thinking you were there. It's a trick I learned while you were in Ireland. It works better now that I know you're coming back.

Writing this letter is probably pointless, I'll probably see you before it gets to you. But I doubt anything I've written will be any less true. I have to go pry our boy away from your mother, though it's beginning to look like I may have to move in with her if I want to see him.

I love you, our kids love you. Forever.

Tara

Reading the last line of her letter, Jax couldn't help but to chuckle. "Hey, Grandpa," He called up to Clay's bunk. "My old lady seems convinced she's giving you a granddaughter."

"Yeah, well you tell her that happens the kid is going into a nunnery on her fourteenth birthday." Clay gave an annoyed huff. "Goddamn, do you remember Tara at fourteen?"

Jax remembered her going away to visit her cousin in San Diego and not being able to see her until the first day of school, the first day they started high school. And she wasn't at all the skinny little girl who left in June. All of a sudden Tara had legs, legs that went all the way up to an ass he knew she didn't have before she left. "Thirteen," Jax decided as he recalled the way his fourteen year old self responded to Tara. "The kid will be in the nunnery at thirteen."

Week Three:

Weeks had gone by, weeks that seemed like years, and had Jax doubting he could really go fourteen months. But today, finally, he'd get to see his family again. Sitting at the metal table, he couldn't keep his hands still, his thumb and pinky beating out a rhythm less tune. Clay glanced over his shoulder, giving him a look that told him to cool it.

Then he heard it, the buzz alerting the doors being opened, the soft gibberish of a baby. And then she was there, through the door, across the room, close enough for him to touch. To kiss.

"Alright, Teller. You're not going to get too many more warnings."

Instead of shooting an annoyed look back at the PO as he wanted to, Jax took a step back so he could see them. Really see his family.

"Hey," Briefly, because the dickhead PO was still watching, he laid a hand over her slightly rounded stomach. Wanted so badly to slip his hand beneath the material of the flannel shirt she wore.

Tara smiled. "Hey."

"There's my boy, come here kid. Come see your old man." He lifted Abel out of Tara's arms, hugged the baby tightly to his chest as he settled back down on the bench. "He's getting big."

"Bigger by the day."

"I miss you." He placed a hand on the table, clasping tightly to the one she placed on top of it. "Both of you. All of you."

Tara's hand tightened on his as well. "We miss you, too."

And because it was them. Jax and Tara, they said nothing else for a long while. Simply sat, smiling, happy to be together if only for a little while.

Month Four:

Jax frowned when, instead of making her way immediately over to him, Tara paused by the door to speak quietly to the PO. After a few moments the guard held up a hand and motioned to one of the others. A quick, terse conversation began. Jax imagined Tara's voice was completely calm, utterly reasonable, and it made him wonder just what it was she was trying to get done.

After a while, both guards nodded. One pointed in Jax's general direction, and Tara nodded as well. When they began to approached Jax gave a sigh of relief before standing.

"Wait," Tara instructed as she stopped between Clay and Bobby's tables. She placed Abel on his feet. The baby wobbled a bit, pitched forward but caught himself before he went down. Then he took one step, then another, and another.

Jax was speechless. The kid was walking. Walking. It was slow work, the kid definitely looked like Franken baby, but fuck the kid was walking. When it seemed like he'd gotten as far as he was willing to go, Jax scooped him up.

"You gotta be shitting me," His grin was wide as he pulled Tara into his arms for a kiss. "When did he start this?"

"The other night, I went to pick him up from your mom's, and he was balancing himself on the table. When he saw me he just started right for me, didn't even realize what he was doing."

"That's awesome." Sliding back onto the bench, he pulled on Abel's T-shirt, the words Birthday Boy were printed on the front. His son was going to be a year old in a few days. Obviously there was going to be a huge deal at Gemma's house, Tara promised to take lots of pictures, but it wouldn't be the same. So he knew this was her way of making him feel like part of the celebration.

Four months, he'd been on the inside for four months, and already he missed so much. "How'd his last doctor's appointment go?"

"Fine," Reaching out Tara took her son's hand. "If it's possible he's even more perfect now then he was before."

"And the baby, he's okay, too."

"My appointment's next week," Tara informed him. "And I absolutely can not wait to prove you wrong when we confirm the sex of our daughter."

"First of all, don't ever use the words 'sex' and 'our daughter' in the same sentence. If the kid is a girl, she's never allowed to have sex." Jax shuddered at the thought. Imagined a little girl, all blonde pigtails and big green eyes. Then imagined building a tower with a mote and a drawbridge. "Second, you're not going to prove me wrong."

Tara gave a mischievous grin. "Wanna bet?"

God he loved when she grinned that way. "Alright. So when I'm right, what do I get?"

"What do you want?"

Jax's eyes traveled down to her mouth, tried not to remember the last time he felt her mouth wrapped around him. Last thing he wanted was a raging hard on while he held his kid.

Tara rolled her eyes, but nodded her agreement all the same. He didn't have to say what it was he wanted, she knew that look in his eyes well enough. "Fine, but if I win you have to spend an entire day watching the kids with no help from Gemma."

"What are you going to be doing?"

"Don't worry about it. Do we have a deal?" She held a hand out over the table.

Without taking his eyes off of hers, Jax gripped her hand in his. "Yeah."

With a large grin on his lips and a cocky strut, Jax made his way across the yard to where the other Sons were waiting. Clay looked up and spotted him first, his eyes were expectant, anxious.

"Well," Clay began. "What did Lowen say?"

"Nothing about our case, everything there is the same. Everybody back home is fine."

"What in the hell did she want to talk to you for?" Tig wanted to know.

Grin firmly in place, Jax made sure he had all the guys attention. "Tara went for her sonogram earlier. It's a boy. I'm going to have another son."

"A boy." Clay grabbed Jax in a hard hug. "I'll be damned, another boy." Pulling back, he placed one massive hand on the side of Jax's face. "Dodged a bullet there, didn't we?"

"Don't count those chickens just yet, she wants at least one more. That little girl can still be on her way."

"We'll burn that bridge when we get to it. Decide on names yet."

"Yeah, Benjamin. After her grandfather."

Clay nodded. "Ben Knowles was a fine man."

When Clay stepped back, Bobby was the next to congratulate him followed by Juice.

"That's great man. How's the Doc doing?"

Jax frowned, not fully understanding why the question bothered him. "She's good." The feeling only intensified when Tig congratulated him and asked after Tara as well. "Like I said, she's good."

"What the hell is your problem?" Tig demanded.

"Nothing." Jax started to walk away, but couldn't ignore that churning in his gut. "Why are you so concerned about Tara?"

"While you were in Ireland, Tara did a lot for us. More specifically she did a lot for me. She's a good girl." Tig made what could only be described as a full body shrug, a sure sign that he was uncomfortable. "I like her. That little prick Salazar, I think he hurt her. Just want to make sure she's not still feeling it, you know. "

"Well, I took care of Salazar. And I'll take care of Tara. She's not for you to worry about."

"Like you took care of her after what happened to Abel. Or while you were in Ireland. The way I understand it, the only person you took care of then was Ima."

Jax snapped and lunged for Tig, only to be pulled up short by Clay. "Fuck you, you son of a bitch."

Before Tig could respond, Bobby used his body to crowd him back. Holding his hands up so the guard's would see there were no problems. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

At the same time, Clay was walking Jax away as well. "Hey, you calm the hell down. Your brothers were just showing some concern for your old lady, be happy they give a shit."

"Well, I don't need them to be concerned about my old lady."

"Look," Clay gave Jax an impatient shake. "I don't know what's eating your ass, but you better get your shit together. Tara's family, we take care of family. And while you're in here, it's your brothers on the outside that's making sure the Russians stay far away from her."

"Ope,"

"Brother."

Jax greeted his best friend, his brother in a hug.

"You okay in here?"

"As I can be." Pulling back, Jax dropped back on to the bench. Reaching up he gave his beard an irritating rub. Tara made mention during her last visit that she wasn't too fond of his 'Opie look', now in order to prove he wasn't completely pussy-whipped he had to keep it longer. "How's things? Lyla and the kids? Tara tells me you're putting off the wedding."

"Can't get married with half my family locked up. It's just a few months, gives Gemma time to help Lyla plan."

"You mean it gives Gemma time to take over."

Opie gave a low chuckle. "Yeah, pretty much. Tara called, Abel's fever broke."

"Poor little guy. I hate that he's sick." But couldn't say he hated not being there. Jax didn't think he could handle seeing Abel sick again. Though it should have been easier, after everything else the kid went through the cold he caught from Ellie should have been a breeze, but Jax knew he probably wouldn't have been able to do it.

"Lucky for him his mom is a doctor. Though it seems all the kid want is Tara anyway, really doesn't matter to him that she's a doctor."

Jax smiled, there was no way Tara could give him shit now about being a momma's boy when she was raising one herself. "Who's with her while you're here? Chibs?"

Opie shook his head. "Chibs is on Gemma." He gave a long suffering sigh. "The thing is, Jax, I'm not on Tara. She wouldn't have it, told me my place was at home with my own family."

"So, who's looking out for her? Kozik?" The feeling that burned deep in his gut was not entirely unfamiliar. "Tig says he worked real hard to get her back from Salazar."

"Kozik had to head back to Washington, some business up there had to be settled. Aiden, new guy ready to make the transfer from Ireland, he's on her until Kozik comes back."

Aiden, from Ireland, who he didn't know from Adam. "What do we know about this guy?"

Opie frowned. He and Jax were brothers, had been long before they wore the same cut. "Where's your head at, brother?"

"Ima," Off Opie's look he gave a quick shake of his head. "Tara told me the one thing she couldn't forgive is me cheating. Because of everything that happened with Salazar and Jimmy O and the Russians, we never really had a chance to have it out."

"Come on, Jax, this is Tara we're talking about. You really think she'd mess around just to get back at you?"

It was a test to there friendship that Opie would know exactly what he was thinking, without him really having to spell it out. "She did it before. Sophomore year she caught me with Missy Stewart, so she fooled around with some guy to teach me a lesson."

Didn't matter that at the time, they were technically split up. That Missy Stewart didn't mean shit to him. Jax had been miserable, he and Tara had been a part for two days, and he'd been so fucking miserable he could barely breathe. The first day she wouldn't look at him, wouldn't even acknowledge his presence. The second night, at one of Hale's stupid ass post game parties, Jax figured he'd push Tara a bit by cuddling up to the first blonde he saw. Knowing he'd rip the arms off any guy who so much as touched Tara, Jax figured she'd have pretty much the same reaction if she saw him with another girl.

Tara, however, never did the expected. She'd taken one look at Jax, turned her nose up in disgust, and kept right on walking. It was about an hour later, when Hale came up to him, all puffed up and pissed off about Tara with some other guy. Opie was the one who stopped Jax in his tracks. Who told him to pull his head out of his ass, let whatever pissy ass argument he was having with Tara go, and put everyone around them out of their misery.

Opie shifted uncomfortably on the bench. "That was fifteen years ago."

Jax realized he was being ridiculous, but was unable to help the thoughts that plagued him during the long nights he was in bed alone wondering what Tara was doing. "What about the new guys? What better way to prove what a big dick you have than to nail the VP's old lady."

"The VP's old lady would have to be down for that and I can assure you brother, Tara isn't. You gotta get your head right, Jax. It's the only way you're going to make it out of here sane."

"You're right." Of course he was right. But this was the first visit Tara missed and immediately Jax began to think this may just be the first of many. That the longer he was in here, the more distance would grow between them. "Yeah. Just do me a favor, make sure everyone knows that the 'prison clause' when it comes to Tara, that shit is null and fucking void."