'Memories are what warm you up from the inside. But they're also what tear you apart.' – Murakami Haruki, Kafka on the Shore

'YOU DID NOT TO COME TO OUR MEETING
PREPARE TO DIE'

What better feeling could you have when the first thing you read in the morning was a note threatening to eliminate your existence in the world? As I recall the chaotic situation this morning, I feel pity for people around us. Us as in me and that silvery-blue-haired person named Laura Bodewig, an girl from Germany. A mechanical engineering student, she somehow had taken an interest in kendo and even became the secretary of the university's kendo club, of which I am a member. Since the first meeting she had appointed me as her personal slave, driving me to do all paper work that she was supposed to handle. I must have overslept when doing my/her work and forgot about attending our weekly meeting, and when I woke up this morning I found this very encouraging note glued on my door. I was actually glad she did not break the door and barged in directly.

When we met each other this morning in our statistics course, she immediately yelled at me and listed seventy-five reasons why I deserved to die for not obeying her order. It turned out to be a heated argument that did not stop even when the professor had arrived, and that resulted in both of us getting kicked out of the lecture hall, making it my seventy-sixth reason to die.

Com'on, I join the kendo club for fun, as I am pretty confident in my skills. I did not join to entertain her majesty who was not familiar with our culture. Yet everyone was afraid of her and let her do things in her own, totalitarian way. Lord have mercy.

As I step out of the Gothic building, I let a breath out and inhale deeply, watching as the air thickens. It has been two years since I have become a university student and at times I still am not used to the pace here. Comparatively, senior high life was too relaxing and I find it hard to adapt to Todai's rapid pace of everything. I always reminisce the nonsensical yet delightful time at senior high, when I was alone at night in my dormitory room. I miss those days. [Author Note: Todai means Tokyo University, widely considered as best university in Asia]

Then of course, I have friends here. Houki got accepted as expected, and she even earned a scholarship to enter the school. She still yells at me all the time, but things got much better after…well…let's just say we are together now. Being a devoted mathematics brainiac, she does not have much time to spend on the kendo club that she chairs, and that results in me being toyed around by that foreign girl. I complain to her a lot, but it seems like the professors here like her too much to give her free time.

Dan, apart from me, is a surprise addition to Todai's population of undergraduates. Imagine our stunned faces when we both checked our results, and Houki simply stared at the board wondering if she needed glasses. He seems to enjoy life now too, playing regularly in the university's basketball team and even finds himself a cute girlfriend from his department. We still hang out a lot, but his basketball and band practice (he recently forms a band with his teammates) occupy most of his time and we only see each other in class now. Fortunately enough we are studying the same subject, or else I wonder if I'll even see him at all.

It feels surreal whenever I think back to the time in senior high. It was so carefree, so exciting that the rigidly structured environment of university chokes me. That was the time when I had fun going to school, hanging out with friends, her…

An image of a blonde occupies my mind. The way she turns her body and the way she flashes her trademark smile at me…jus the mere thought warms my heart in this cold evening. With hindsight speaking, the one thing that I miss the most about senior high is probably the short amount of time we spent together. It wasn't like any time that I was with Houki or Dan. It was just different. I feel like she completes me, with her presence smoothing my fears away.

Fear of what?

Solitude. Loneliness. Insecurity. Hedgehog's Dilemma.

I haven't seen her since that day, the day that we last talked on the rooftop, where she revealed to me what she had been suffering from and her true feelings.

I laugh, pitying myself. It was one of those moments that you regret for life and would do anything in exchange to do that again, hoping for a different outcome.

I can't, I murmured.

Her fragile figure remained there, amid the chilling wind when she had almost no clothes on.

I fought to look away, to look at anything but her. I could not. I felt ashamed. Charlotte was pure. Too pure. Too pure for me to reach. Too bright. Too beautiful.

'…I see…'

She mumbled. Her eyes dropped and the glint was gone. My heart skipped a beat as she broke contact with my eyes and glimpsed at the ground.

'I've already said before…even though I know this will happen…'

No you're wrong. That's not what I mean. That wasn't –

'It's okay, Ichika.

'This is also love, right? It's something that every girl has to go through at least once in a life. It's only normal.'

I gawked awkwardly at her as she gave up. Biting my lips, I watched helplessly as she made her decision. As her skins shivered, her lips turned into a small smile. A rueful one that haunted my mind. The most heart-breaking smile I'd ever seen.

'So it's alright like this, ne?'

Another smile. Another tearful slap at my heart. No more words were exchanged between us, except that she put her clothes back on and, before wordlessly leaving the rooftop, stopped in front of me. In her tidy uniform she looked even chaster than before.

As if in slow motion, she pressed her soft hands on my cheeks and leaned forward.

I blinked, and before I regained my consciousness on what had just happened she had already disappeared from my eyesight. It was as if she had evaporated along with the snow.

Nature likes to play her own joke on me. As I reminisce about my past with Charlotte on that white day snow starts dancing in the wind again. I raise my head to embrace them in discontent. I have regretted my action on that day ever since, and every time it starts to snow her image immediately float into my mind.

Charlotte was gone on the next day after that. No one had seen her for days. It seemed that she quit school after that day, and I could not get much information from teachers who were in-charge of her class.

'You didn't hear about that? And I thought you two were close…'

I made a face as I didn't know how to really respond to that statement. Others perceived us to be close, but we were so distant from each other.

'It seems that her mother has passed away after having stayed in hospital for quite some time, and she is now adopted by relatives in a different prefecture.' Her form master, an old man who had taught for almost three decades in this school, revealed. 'That's the only thing I know. She did not talk much to others about this anyway.' When I asked for her phone number, the school refused to disclose it. Yes, I did not have her number. For all the days we communicated we only talked when we faced each other. Odd, huh? But that's how we worked.

From what I had found out later, it seemed that other factors contributed to her departure too. There was no mention of her step-father, which I assume that he got what he deserves for what he had done. And I wonder if moving away could really solve her problem.

Up till this day I still wonder if what she has done is an act of love, as she proclaimed. I am not sure if she loved me and I loved her. I have never been good at these things, and it could just be that I was at the wrong place at the wrong time to fill the empty space in her heart. Transference. To her, I just happened to be there when she needed someone to rely on.

Of course, if that's the case then that can explain everything. That will untie the knot in my heart.

I stared at her empty seat in her classroom, waking up from my dream and telling myself that she was not there anymore.

But if.

I walked this empty corridor and let the still emptiness engulfed me. The whole atmosphere of the school seemed to have changed slightly after her absence. People talked about that, obviously, and it was weird that even though she was so popular, no one seemed to be close to her. Not her teammates from her tennis team or her co-workers in the student council or her classmates. My name was brought up whenever people talked about her.

Just if.

As I was changing my footwear, I found a note lying flat in my shoe locker. Without much second thought and a boring look, I took and read the content.

If that really was love.

A series of numbers. A phone number, to be exact. Charlotte. Charlotte's name was the first thing on my mind. She left this note. She left me her contact. She was here.

Even if one knows that there won't be a satisfying outcome at the end.

I dialled that number as I rushed to the rooftop, climbing the stairs with my most determined strength. I had no idea why I did that, but I only knew she could be there, somehow. She had to be.

Understanding that premise clearly.

No one was answering and I grew impatient. I gritted my teeth as I ran and ran.

Without stopping.

Various images dashed in my mind. Image of her teasing my relationship status. Image of her shocked countenance when I told her I didn't care much about her part-time job. Image of her broken smile. Image of the sight of her back. Image of her almost-naked body. Image of her pure smile.

Without surrendering.

'Hello?'

Love.

I froze. I knew that voice. I recognized that voice. I cried.

You'll still fight for it.

'Hello? Who is this?' Oh Charlotte, even at a time like this you still have to make fun of me. How stupid of me for not recognizing her number.

At least, that is what I think.

The winter that accompanies her presence will eventually go away, and spring will then come. The snow will only melt and becomes forgotten when it is out of people's sight. It disappears completely without others even realizing. When people are aware of the melting snow, they relate it to convenience in life. Less slippery road. Better traffic. Better be warm than cold. No one ever mourns for the death of snow.

With hindsight speaking, she wouldn't have left any trace of her if she had intended to leave. That sounds more like her. After all, she disappeared without telling anyone. Everyone, myself included, did not know until the teacher said something about it. Maybe I should have paid more attention. Maybe I should have acted differently at the rooftop that day. Maybe if I…

Forget it. Thinking about the past will not help my present when I have the future to worry about.

Winter comes and goes. Disinterested people surrounding me walk past each other's shoulder without raising their nose. I walk by the traffic light, put all my troubles aside and decide to breathe. Breathe in the air. The world sparks brighter after you respire with upmost concentration.

I cross the road without a care as I listen to the sound of snow landing on the ground. If you pay enough attention, you'll know that that's the most beautiful sound in the world. The pureness of that touch cannot be found elsewhere with your mind lingering on the softness of their contact.

I'm sure the blonde who just passes by my side will agree with me.

Some people have said that when you meet the love of your life, time seems to stop. I never believe that, as I am very aware of the things around that girl with blonde hair. I stop moving and turn around, to fine her standing there, unfazed like a doll, looking at the ground with playful eyebrows in a safe distance from where I stand. Holding onto her bag tightly, her braided hair floats around her shoulders as the gentle wind stops by. The lime green coat she is wearing seems to fail its function as her skin shivers timidly in the snow. Ah, snow. Just seeing her figure standing under the snow makes me cry. She raises her head to face me, with her violet eyes beaming at me directly. I am immediately absorbed in her world, totally mesmerized by her spell. Those bright eyes. Those gleaming eyes. Those gloaming eyes.

And then she smiles.

Not a grin or a teasing smirk. The smile that I adore. The smile that I long for. It is pure.

Separated by the railway, I watch in a helpless state as the railway serves its function. The running train blocks my view of her as I just stare. My mind runs in peaceful chaos. My eyesight blurs for a second, envisioning her unmoved body on the same position, waiting patiently for the train to pass, for the chance to meet again. I wait and wait, until the train disappears in front of me and she vanishes along with the moving transport.

Seeing the blank spot, where she was just there fifteen seconds ago, brings unexpected calmness to my spine. My mouth is open as my brain slowly processes the fact that she vanishes from me again. Not a single person is around that spot. There is nothing but snow. Dearly lovely snow.

And then I smile.

The first smile I have had in three years, when she was still by my side.

Snow keeps falling down, but it does not concern me now. The death of snow is not something to be mourned for. Instead, it reminds us of how strong it is, despite its fragile nature. It is illusorily solid.

I look at the empty spot for the last time and turn my back on it, my legs ready to move forward. The image of her smile still shines in my vision.

Charlotte Dunois. The snow that melts me.

Never can I forget what she means to me. The joy and sorrow that she brings and the smile that she flashes. I have no idea if I really have just seen her, if that was really her, or if I will ever see her again. I do not know how she is doing, or worse, if she is even alive and well. I only know that I may just be another person in her life, but just like snow, I will be strong and smile if I see her again.

I start to walk away and move forward with a smile. Raising my head, I embrace the feeling of freedom and look at the sky.

It is still snowing.

The End

First off, I hope the ending suits most readers' tastes, if not all. I have spent days just working on the part after flashback, on whether I should make them meet again or not. In the original doujin, the protagonist is married to the girl he had a crush on (Houki) and has never seen the girl from the rooftop (Charlotte) again, but he still treasures the time they had spent together. You can say the way I handle Houki, or even the sudden addition of Laura, seems messy, and I admit I have been having second thoughts constantly. Yet I think portraying the protagonist (Ichika) as a university student sounds better to me than a working employee.

In case of any wonder regarding my obsession with snow, the name of the girl (Charlotte) in the doujin means 'snow' in the original doujin, and the title of the doujin makes this reference in kanji too (雪). I think relating Charlotte with snow doesn't sound too bad so I go along with it.

Personally, my favourite is the part where I intertwine flashback and thought together. That is a new try to me and I wish I can expand that more without disrupting the flow of the story.

I guess I'll also state that influences on this chapter, just so if you can find any reference in this chapter. While I was writing this I was under the influence of Radiohead's Hail to the Thief; Depeche Mode's Violator; Yellowcard's When You're Through Thinking, Say Yes; Philip Glass' soundtrack; Brad Mehldau's piano cover of other songs; and particularly the animated film Byosoku Go Senchimetoru (5 Centimetres Per Second). If you have watched it before you can see I have stolen the ending from that and put it here. It's not totally original, I'm aware, but since this fic is based on a doujin in the first place I hope I can be spared of that crime. I thought about making my own happy/very sad ending, but I hope to follow the doujin's trend as closely as possible, and the ending of Byosoku fits here. I have a lot of trouble describing the internal struggle of the protagonist's feelings when writing it, so I guess that's my retribution.

With this chapter this fic is officially completed. I hope you have enjoyed reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing this story. It is fun to work on and maybe I will write a more original IchikaXCharlotte or CharlotteXOC fic in the future. I already have some plots in mind, but before really working on them I will probably finish my other fics first. I'm also working on two other fics: one is Clannad and one is an original work that I probably will post on fictionpress or other websites later (now that I've finished all 4 chapters, I'm wondering if Tomoya and Tomoyo from Clannad actually suits this fic better. Oh well). I may just post a random one-shot one day though, who knows?

Enough of my mumbling. Last but not least, I would like to thank everyone who has read this, and also who has reviewed this fic. I really appreciate comments and criticism and I am thankful for those who say they like this story. I also enjoy the communication between writer and reader a lot, as sometimes readers point out things us writers did not notice before. This gives us more chance to improve and think more about our own writing.

Thank you again for reading this fic and please review to let me know what you think! See you all next time!