Alucard vs Life

Well I hope you're ready for another criminally insane journey as Alucard takes on not just Twilight but just about everything in life that we all hate. This chapter is merely an introduction, the real fun begins in the next chapter but I hope you enjoy this first little morsel. Please review.

Catalyst

Alucard sat perched upon his throne (It was actually an office chair but its fun to pretend) and sipped what appeared to be red wine, but this liquor was different. It did not come from a vine, but rather a human. It was blood, fresh blood.

Alucard was renowned as the 'No Life King', a truly terrifying creature of the night; A vampire. He was proud of his infamy. It was well deserved as well. He had spent many long years drenched in blood sowing the seeds of destruction throughout the world. It was quite ironic that the one keeping the world safe was in actual fact the most dangerous beast to ever prowl the Earth.

Alucard spent his spare time (Those not taken up by prior engagements such as missions or 'Enthusiastic walks') in his specialised quarters. The windows were tinted so only minimal sunlight fanned through. He was not allergic to the sun; it just seemed cool at the time. The floor was covered by a thick red rug which swallowed people's feet as they walked over. A dark timber desk sat before one of the great windows and behind that desk the great vampire sat on his fancy office chair/imaginary throne.

The blood tasted good, the chair was comfy and the weather was marvellous. Life was good.

But then the phone rang. It screamed at him like a nagging housewife, not letting up until either he answered the phone of struck it hard enough to keep it quiet. (Say no to violence against women. Okay? Seriously.)

Alucard snatch up the handset in one pale bony hand. "Yes?" He asked in this trademark brooding baritone.

"Alucard, it's me Integra. I need you to come down to my office. I have something important to tell you."

"Well if it's so important why don't you tell me right now?" Alucard asked, for even the scariest vampire on Earth had the ability to be a smart-ass.

"I am in no mood for games Alucard! Get down to my office now!" Lady Integra hung up.

The demon in a red trench coat rose from his desk and headed off down to the office, not wanting to make her wait. Integra Hellsing was not the kindest to those who get on her bad side.

The doors to her office were wide open and Alucard just stepped inside, not bothering to announce his arrival, but then again, no-one could be mistaken for Alucard so after one look they would know it was him. He pressed on towards the large desk where Integra was sitting, smoking a fine cigar. She looked calm, yet undeniably angry.

"You called for me." Alucard stated blankly.

"Yes." Integra nodded and slid off the edge of the table. She walked around the side, tracing her finger along its length. When she had circled back around to her seat she sank into it and spun around to face the window rather than him.

Alucard stared at the back of the chair for a moment before frowning. "Well?"

He could hear an odd noise coming from the leader, as if she were choking. He was unsure whether to help her or not.

"Alucard...How long have we known each other?"

"Many years now. We met when your uncle was trying to kill you. That was back when you were just a little girl." Alucard rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Why do you ask?"

"That time ends here unfortunately." Integra sounded like she had a knife lodged in her chest.

"What do you mean, my lady?"

Integra sighed heavily. Alucard noticed a thick plume of smoke rising above the chair. "Hellsing is going out of business. We are being shut down."

Alucard's face remained the same. "Huh?"

"Our actions were deemed unlawful and the Queen had ordered us shut down our business. After so many years of fighting we have been defeated by the very Queen who requested our voice in the first place."

"This is a dark day then." Alucard mused. "Is there anything we can do?"

Integra spun around to face him. Her eyes were glistening with tears. "No. The Hellsing Organisation has died here today. I'm sorry Alucard, but your contract with me ends now. We are no longer master and servant."

"Are you saying...I have lost my job?"

"We all have, Alucard. There is nothing we can do. I am sorry. I wish you good luck in finding your next job."

"Surely this does not mean...No more...Enthusiastic walks?"

Integra nodded sombrely. "I'm afraid so."

Alucard lowered his head. He let out a great roar of utter rage and drew his oversized handgun from within his trench-coat.

"No firing indoors!" Integra snapped. Alucard put the gun away and frowned. "I'm sorry Alucard but you can no longer go around destroying things and killing people."

Alucard tried the puppy eyes technique, but puppy eyes with Alucard are still scary enough to make someone void their bowels. It didn't work.

"Alucard, as a reward for your faithful service all these years...I want to give you something." Integra reached into a drawer and fished out a thick envelope. Alucard stared at it, confused. "There is ten million dollars in there Alucard. It will buy you a new home and also should be sufficient enough to bribe the local hospital and blood bank. I wish you luck Alucard. Goodbye."

The heartless vampire almost felt guilty as he took the money. He headed for the door but stopped just as he reached it. "Miss Integra," He craned his neck to glance at her over his shoulder. "I'm sure you will rise once again. Hellsing is not yet defeated. When the time comes and our proud Organisation is returned...I will be waiting for your call." With that he strolled out the door and into a terrifying new world...