A/N : I do not own Grey's Anatomy, or the characters within them, although I wish I did. They are property of Shondaland and ABC. First published fic, enjoy and please leave me some feedback!

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Addison Montgomery was not prepared for what she was going to see when she entered Trauma Room 1 where the attendings were gathered. As the red-haired surgeon pushed open the door, the sight before her made her falter in disbelief. Meredith Grey was lying on the gurney, her face cold and lifeless. The young intern's skin had a blue-gray tint to it, there was a tracheal tube running out of the corner of her still mouth doing her breathing for her. The ECG was beeping furiously, indicating v fib, and Preston Burke had the shock paddles to her chest, causing the woman's otherwise still form to jerk briefly before her monitors stabilized.

"Oh my god." Addison's breath caught in her chest, still registering that this was Meredith on the table. This was the woman she had been competing with for her husband's affection, and the woman she had put so much blame onto. But looking at her now, unmoving and fighting for her life, well, none of it mattered now. A wave of unfamiliar emotion swept over Addison, just briefly, before she switched into autopilot.

"She's hypothermic, " Burke called out. Meredith's temperature was too low; they needed to get it up. Bailey covered her with another blanket, anything to keep her alive.

"Come on Meredith, don't do this," Addison said. The door behind them opened and Addison met the weary and defeated gaze of her ex-husband, Meredith's boyfriend, sitting on the floor in the hallway, flanked loyally by Mark. The female neo-natal surgeon's face took on a pained expression as the door shut slowly, cutting their contact. She stared at the IV drip, and found herself silently praying that somehow, some way, Meredith could live. Addison Montgomery knew at that moment, she would do anything to ensure that happened.

"We're losing her."

Meredith Grey sputtered and coughed as she sat up on the gurney and found herself looking into the face of Dylan Young.

"Am I…dead?"

"Damn right you are." Denny Duquette's tell-you-like-it-is voice cut through the silence, and as she turned, she stared in shock as she found herself reunited with two people she believed, were dead.

Chief Webber pushed furiously on Meredith's chest, determined that he was NOT going to lose Ellis Grey's little girl, HIS girl. Bailey cast a look at the Chief as he turned away briefly, struggling to keep pushing, keep fighting, for the dirty-haired blonde intern. Addison was standing back in the corner, her mind racing a mile a minute, but she couldn't tear her eyes from the woman lying in front of her. Meredith was dying, and how she was feeling was not how she thought she'd be feeling. When the girl had bellowed at her from her room after her appendectomy, Addison felt a strange amusement at the girl. Maybe it wasn't just the influence of the morphine high on the giddy woman. Look at her now. The red-haired surgeon's pager beeped loudly, shaking her from her thoughts, and Bailey nodded her head towards her, giving her permission to leave. But Addison wasn't sure she wanted to leave. She seemed frozen in place, torn between her patient, and someone who she shouldn't even be caring about. Yet, she did. And right now she needed to leave. She needed her thoughts off the woman whose life was extinguishing right before Addison's eyes.

She pushed past Derek, who turned to her as she strode down the hallway.

"Temp's still only 86, there's still no heartbeat, we're hoping once she warms up…" Addison started.

"I need to go in there!"

"Damn it you can't! Not for Meredith, not for anybody. You're in no shape." Addison turned and pushed open the doors to the rapid questions from Bailey's interns and Meredith's close friends that had been gathering around the double doors. As she felt her mouth audibly forming the words, her voice hitched, and she had to take a breath before telling them gently to prepare themselves. Her face saddened as she took in their shocked expressions, and pushed through them to tend to her patient. Alex Karev followed her back to their Jane Doe's room, and Addison was back in professional mode again.

"You are anything but ordinary, Meredith."

Addison opened the door to Trauma Room 1, not sure what she would see. What she saw was nothing near what she expected. She did not expect to see Meredith Grey being extubated, and she did not expect to see her ECG displaying her heartbeat. Addison stood at the foot of the bed next to a stunned Cristina, and placed her slim hands on her hips as she watched Bailey and the nurses tending to the intern. She stood there for a few seconds before joining Bailey at the head of the hospital bed.

"Do we know the brain function yet?" Addison blinked, studying the machines, and watching as Meredith's bed tilted up.

Bailey managed to get out a heavy "dunno" as Addison's face once again took to that pained look. Miranda Bailey was slightly surprised at the concern the neo-natal specialist was taking in the intern who had caused her so much heartache, and even more surprised at the pain Addison was seemingly trying to hide in her blue eyes. Bailey checked Meredith's vitals before following the nurses out of the room, muttering about finding Derek Shepherd. Now, it was a waiting game. Addison stood alone in the room, unaware that everyone had left, and couldn't shift her gaze from Meredith's body. The sting of tears welling up in her eyes shocked her, but none of them fell from her eyes. She knew she should leave, she should go find Derek, she had patients, but Meredith consumed her mind. Addison could not believe her thoughts, and she was stunned that she could not seem to get her out of her head. She had been trained for this, trained to separate her personal life when there was a job to be done, but she could not. She reached for the chair across the room and drug it over to Meredith's bedside. She had no idea where Derek Shepherd was, but one thing she did know is that Meredith was not going to wake up alone. The attending drew up her knees in the armchair, and the weariness of the day wore her down, and sleep took her.

"Dr. Montgomery?"

The red-haired woman stirred at the sound of Meredith Grey's voice, and as the fogginess of sleep left her, she slowly sat up.

"It's Addison , Meredith. How are you feeling?" Addison asked softly, noting the added color that had come back into the intern's face, compared to the gray color of her skin earlier that day. Addison shuddered at the image that came back into her mind.

"Tired, " breathed Meredith with an almost inaudible chuckle.

"Well, if you felt any other way, I'd be concerned." Addison teased gently, glad to see the woman hadn't lost her personality. Meredith looked so small amongst the machines, and she saw the beginnings of goose bumps appearing on her forearms, and the slight shiver that Meredith tried to conceal. Addison took off the blanket someone must have draped over her chair, and covered the woman with it.

"I'm glad to see you awake; you gave us all quite a scare." Addison stood by Meredith's side. "Well, I...I'll go find Derek." She turned to leave, but Meredith caught her by the arm. Addison caught her breath softly and turned, hoping the intern hadn't heard her. "Addison, I want to tell you…I want to tell you that I'm sorry." The blonde woman breathed out. "When I was in the water, I remember wanting you to know that."

"That is in our past. It doesn't matter now." Addison managed to get out a tired smile, and gave Meredith's hand a light squeeze. "Meredith, I…"

"Meredith!" Derek Shepherd hurried in and Addison dropped Meredith's hand and moved out of the way as Derek took her spot by his girlfriend. "I was so worried about you."

Addison took that as her sign to quietly exit. "I'll check up on you later." Meredith held her eyes and nodded, before smiling at Derek. Addison opened the wooden door of the hospital room, and let herself out. She paused, looking back through the window, with that gaze that had accustomed itself to her face for the past 24 hours, and Mark sidled up next to her. She sighed.

"He never felt that way about me."

"I did."

Addison glanced up at him with a tired look, and walked past down the dimly lit hallway.

"Hey" Mark jogged behind her, and slowed to match her walk as she kept her eyes forward "You do not get to just walk away from this, from us. I get that you're going through a hell of a lot, but I still care about you Addison."

She looked at him sadly, and she disappeared into an on call room. He took a deep breath, unsure of what this woman was feeling, but he knew he had to be with her right then. Mark pushed open the door and found her perched on one of the less than comfortable beds with her head in her hands. He sat beside her, and she moved her hands down from her face.

What if we had lost her? What if I never got to tell her that I forgive her? What if I never got to tell her…

She stood up muttering about having to get back to her Jane Doe patient, and Mark got to his feet.

"Addison, I'm not going to let this go. You've got something on your mind, say it damn it!" He put his hands on her petite shoulders, and then his arms were pushed off as he was shoved back into the wall. Hands were on hips, lips on lips, and before he could protest, skin was on skin. The woman had a way with getting what she wanted, that was for sure. Her skilled surgical hand was at the drawstring of his dark blue scrubs, and then his hand tightened on her slim wrist.

"Mark, please. I need to feel you…I just need to feel." Her eyes were brimming with tears and the sight of her pleading with him, wracked with emotions, broke his heart. "Please."

"You're not okay…" He still had a tight grip on her wrists.

"What is wrong with you?" Addison half yelled, half sobbed "You're Mark, you're supposed to be the slutty bootycall who doesn't say no to sex." He dropped her arms and she shoved his chest, and he caught a glimpse of those tears making their tracks down her face. "What is wrong with you…what is wrong with me? I can't even get YOU to have sex with me now. What is wrong with me?" She sat back down on the bed that had seen a lot of action, more than Addison was getting right now.

Mark looked down at the broken woman in front of him. "You're still in love. We both are. With people who will never love us back the way we want them to. Addison, what we had, it was more than sex. Hell, I came across the country for a bootycall. I knew you were missing Derek and wanted to use me to take away your pain. But I let you use me. Because I love you, but you can't love me back, can you Addison?" She just put her head in her hands once again, unable to respond. "And I need to get over that. You will never care for me the way I do you. And neither will he, for you." Addison looked up, her face streaked with tears and wrought with the emotional strain of the past day, and caught his eye before he turned on his heel and flung the door open as he left. She kept staring at the closed door, and her head was fuzzy with confusion because at that moment, Derek Shepherd had not been the one that was on her mind.

Addison entered the bathroom that was too brightly lit for her taste, and went to the sink. She splashed some cold water on her face and her slim hands gripped the sides of sink, as she looked into the mirror. She hardly recognized this woman. Where was the confident, almost over confident neo-natal surgeon who never let her personal emotions get in the way of her job? As she stared into the puffy eyes of her reflection, she realized she had left her in Trauma Room 1, when she had first entered the room of Meredith Grey. Addison fumbled with the towel dispenser, and patted the water from her face. She took a deep breath, and went to check on her patients.