A/N: You get this chapter courtesy of ZeroGain, who first broke my writer's block and then beta'd the really bad first draft. You should all tell him thank you, because it's a much, much better chapter because of his help. Thanks, ZeroGain!
Chapter Six: Decisions
I felt sick to my stomach.
I ought to be happy. My basic premise had been totally flawed. Jo hadn't made any decisions. She didn't even know.
Instead, I kind of wanted to puke. She looked a little like she did, too – her face pale and maybe a little sweaty, her eyes dark. She glanced at me and then glanced away, and it felt a little like she'd just punched me in the stomach, like when you take a hit and can't quite breathe for a second.
This changed everything.
My brain was scrambling, trying to figure things out. See, I'd had a long time to think about this. I'd known, or at least suspected, for weeks. I'd been working on what to say when she finally told me for days.
No immediate marriage proposal – a baby is a terrible reason to get married. Nothing about supporting her in whatever she decided – too much like a soap opera. I might have asked her how she felt about it – that was probably safe. But it was also kind of neutral, and that wasn't what I wanted. Not anymore. Maybe it would have been at first, but once I'd gotten used to the idea, well, I didn't hate it.
I can't believe I'm saying that.
But I'd thought it was a done deal. I'd moved through all these different feelings about it – frustrated and annoyed that Jo wasn't telling me, worried about what she was thinking, even, I admit it, some fear about the future. I'm not afraid of much, but babies are a big responsibility. And then they turn into kids and kids are great – as long as they go home with other people.
And if I had a kid like me? Yeah, what a pain in the ass that would be.
But then I'd started picturing it as a little girl like Jo. Cute and tough and bossy and over-sensitive. And now…well, fuck.
Yeah, I'd already wrapped my head around the idea that we were having a baby. It wasn't just a clump of cells to me anymore. It's not like I'd picked out names or anything, but a decision that would have felt abstract and… well, just medical… a few weeks ago, now felt much more personal.
And I knew the right thing to say, I thought, but only if Jo wanted the baby. If she didn't want it? Damn, I wished I'd kept my mouth shut. Except that I was still worried about the baby. All of this could be a moot point if the oxygen deprivation had been enough to harm it.
"I'm really sorry," I blurted out, as Alison was drawing blood from Jo's arm. A flicker of pain crossed Jo's face, but she wasn't looking at me.
Alison, though, gave me a swift kick in the shin. No, I'm not kidding. It hurt. I looked at her, startled, and she gave me a disgusted look and rolled her eyes.
I grimaced as I realized what I'd said. "I don't mean about – I meant about the nitrogen. I'm sorry about the explosion and that…" I kind of faltered to a stop. If she didn't want the baby, then maybe she wouldn't care if there was a problem.
"It shouldn't have any effect on the fetus," Alison assured us. "If Jo's exposure was short enough that she was asymptomatic after a minute, then the pregnancy – if there is one – ought to be fine. I'll go run the test." She stepped away.
Jo had been sitting on the end of the bed while Alison drew blood, and I'd been standing next to her, but when Alison left, I moved so that I was right in front of her. Jo was biting her lip and still not looking at me, so I leaned down, putting my hands on either side of her, effectively blocking her in and said, "Come on, JoJo, look at me. Tell me what you're thinking."
Her eyes met mine and there was definitely accusation in them. "How long have you thought I was pregnant?"
Uh-oh. Should I lie? I swallowed hard and admitted the truth. "Since the day we played laser tag."
Her mouth fell open. "That was a month ago!"
"Um, yeah."
"Is that why you've been being so damn weird?" She punched me in the shoulder and when Jo punches, it hurts. I winced. Between Alison and Jo, I was going to have bruises.
"I'm not the one who's been weird," I protested. And then I paused and thought about it. Actually… "Okay, yeah, maybe. But I thought you knew. It didn't occur to me that you could be that–"
You know how sometimes you know the minute too late that you've said something that you'll regret? This time I caught myself right before the last word slipped out. No, I was not going to call Jo stupid or oblivious or any other adjective that would make her that much more pissed at me. "—that you could not notice," I finished lamely.
"That I could be that stupid, you mean?" she asked dangerously. Damn, but I did not like it when she read my mind.
I took a step back and put my hands up defensively. "Maybe I'm wrong."
She shook her head. "I couldn't zip up my pants this morning," she admitted. "I just thought – I don't know what I thought. I guess I didn't think." She put her hand on her belly, spreading out the fingers in that way that pregnant women do, as if they're reassuring the baby inside, but her eyes, when she looked at me, were dark and worried, and her words were hesitant. "Zane, I –"
She looked away again and sighed.
I stepped hastily back to her and put my finger across her lips. "Wait, wait, don't say anything yet. I know that this probably isn't what you had planned, but-" My words broke off and I swallowed hard. That sick feeling in my stomach was back, more intense than ever.
How could I say that I really wanted her to have the baby? She didn't even want people to know we were together. What would she say to them when she started to show? Yeah, the town fuck-up knocked me up? That was going to go over well with Mansfield.
"I know it's your decision and your body and I respect that. I'm not trying to tell you what you should do. You need to do what's right for you. But I thought you knew and…well, I'd kind of gotten used to the idea. And if you can just consider all the options before making up your mind-"
I don't know what I was saying but something about it was right, because the slightest smile was starting to turn up Jo's lips. My finger was still pressed against her lips, silencing her, but she opened her mouth, and bit it. Not gently.
"Ow," I pulled it back, shaking my hand. "What was that for?"
"I'm Catholic, you idiot," she said, but her tone was softer than the words.
"You believe that stuff?" Yeah, I was surprised.
Jo rolled her eyes. "Right. Because only dumb people believe in something beyond tachyons and particle accelerators. We are not having this conversation for the tenth time."
We'd never had this conversation for the first time. I kind of vaguely knew that Jo went to church but Eureka was so small that there wasn't a Catholic church, and Jo usually went to the Episcopalian church with Reverend Harper. Me, I thought it was bullshit. I'd rather sleep in.
Alison had returned, and now she said, gently, "This Zane, Jo?"
"Ah, right," Jo smiled wryly. "It's a baby, not a decision, Zane, and if I'm pregnant –" She looked at Alison, and Alison nodded, smiling. "Yeah, so…" Jo shrugged, looking a little tentative again. "We're having a baby."
The wave of relief that washed through me was like the rush you get from riding a motorcycle too fast down a curving highway – pure joy mingled with just the slightest bit of sheer terror. I grinned at her. "Does this mean I can kiss you in public now?"
Her exhale of breath was almost a laugh, as she shook her head in disbelief, and said, "Sure."
I reached for her and it was like the first time – the first time that wasn't a first time because there'd never been a time when kissing Jo wasn't like coming home, like falling into a dream, like being in a place where the universe was just right, and when I finally had to come up for air, I cupped her face in my hands and said to her softly, "You're going to be an incredible mother, Josefina."
A/N 2: I hope I have delivered on the promise of hopelessly romantic! Thanks for reading, and especially thanks for reviewing. You make it worthwhile!