Rating: T

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and 'Bones' themes belong to Fox.

Summary: Brennan decides she can't live with her feelings for Booth while he's still with Hannah. She needs space and time so she decides to go to Iraq to help identify remains. She knows it's one of the most dangerous things to do but like Micah said, feeling something is so much better than being dead, or even dead inside.

She recognizes the danger, though, and writes a goodbye letter to Booth. He writes back to her, and they establish a new way of communication.

The Words.

1. The Letter

Dear Booth,

I am unable to explain to you why I'm writing this. I've never put much in explaining my feelings to others, however, this situation seems different. I need you to know why I'm doing this. We have been partners for six years, and you have changed me. I don't want you to think this is your fault. I just want to explain to you what you did for me, how you changed me and why I'm grateful.

Ok, the hard part was over: She'd started her letter. She had been thinking about how to start it for a few days now, but her flight was leaving this evening and she only had a few hours left to write this. She wanted to get it done though, so she had sat down on her sofa to finally write the hardest letter she'd ever written to anyone.

She wanted to explain to him that he had made her so much better, he had taught her so much. But would that change his view of her in a negative way? She didn't need to be taught. And he knew that. Didn't he? He had shown her love in so many ways, and she'd tried to show him she felt the same. He had understood. Hadn't he? Hadn't she explained herself properly? She had started to doubt everything, and writing everything down seemed like the only way to calm her own conscience as well as his, once he'd find out she was gone.

Sighing, she looked over what she had so far and continued.

I had to do this because I need space for myself. I've been surrounded by so many emotions that I can't see how I can continue to do my work in an objective manner. Logic has become obstructed by emotions like friendship and love. There's one example for you, I would never have considered friendship important if I hadn't met you, let alone call it an emotion. But I believe it is. It clouds your judgment and you don't even care, if you see it at all.

A tear slipped from her eye. She loved Booth. She had loved him for a very, very long time.

At first, it had just been a physical attraction. His broad shoulders and wide jaw indicated he was a viable mate and she responded to that. A while later, a deep admiration for his courage had added to that response. The response was what had scared her initially, and she'd withheld from ever acting on her feelings because she knew that this man held a dangerous power over her. She didn't want him to become aware of that power, because he'd be able to use it against her, even without his knowledge. She couldn't get hurt in that way. But she had been. She had fallen for him so completely that when he had told her his feelings, she had withdrawn with such force that even he, he who understood her every move, didn't see any logic in it. She just hoped she had enough ink in her pen to let him understand.

Not only have you shown me friendship. You've shown me how far trust can go. I owe my life to you. And not just my life, I owe myself to you. The person I am, I wouldn't be without you and for once in my life, that is a good thing. People usually try to change me. You didn't try, but you changed me anyway, and that shows how far that trust really went. I have said on a few occasions that I would do anything for you, and that still stands.

When we first met, I didn't believe in any of the following things. Now I do. You've taught me the following, Booth. No one but you is responsible for showing me this. Friendship. Jokes. Ice hockey, cars. The benefits of psychology. Brainy smurf being a good thing. Pop culture, although I'm not sure that's beneficial. Fieldwork. Your gut. Trust, partners. Putting yourself out there with someone and trusting them to always, always have your back. Love.

All right, she'd gone there. No turning back now. A quick glance at the clock told her she had about two hours to finish this. She decided it was time to dive into the deep stuff.

Yes, you taught me about love. I believed in sex and hormones, not in love and fate. Now I do. You took me to that part of myself that I was too scared to show to to anyone. Even you in the end. But you were too close, can you understand that? Ever since I was 15 years old, I have pushed away all types of love as far as I can. Because it hurts. And now, I've been reminded of just how badly it can hurt. But still, it felt good telling you how I feel. I was scared at first, when you asked me to give us a chance. The prospect of sharing such an emotional connection with someone scares me, Booth. It still does. But I've become convinced that loving someone is worth it. Because of you. When I see you with Parker, my heart feels bigger. Anatomically, that is irrational, but it still feels bigger and it feels good. And that feeling is what I get when you look at me, when you smile, when you call me just to call me, when you bring Thai in the middle of the night, when you tell me that some day, I will believe in love. What I didn't realize yet, is that I already believe. I believe in you.

She sighed deeply. She was an accomplished author, she should be able to write this with ease. But this was different. This wasn't fiction. If she screwed this up, that would be the end of it. She re-read her letter so far and she almost ripped it apart, but decided against it. He had to know.

I want you to be happy, Booth. I know you love Hannah and I am happy for that, I really am. She's a great person, intelligent, beautiful inside and out, and she will stand by you. I hope you find what you were looking for in me, in her. I believe you will. I'm sorry I couldn't give you what you needed though. Because I believe my way of telling you deeply hurt your feelings. I didn't feel worthy, Booth. That was all. I didn't think I could truly make you happy. I still don't.

Don't blame yourself for this. I'm not leaving because of you, I'm leaving because of me. And I will be back, I just don't know when. When things have cleared up in my mind, when I feel like I can come back and not feel like I have to be a certain someone. And that, too, is not your fault. It's mine. I've never tried to please others, but somehow, through the relationships that have formed over the past years, that has changed and I see that I'm no longer who I used to be. That's not a bad thing, but I need to explore this on my own. Don't ever think that night wasn't perfect. Don't ever think I didn't and don't want you.

Don't ever think that my rejection was because of you. You are all a woman could ever wish for.

Stay safe and don't hate me for doing this. You can reach me at the American Embassy in Iraq, if you want to. Don't feel any obligation. I will be back but it is up to you if we keep in touch. I will always value what we have and everything we've experienced as partners, but even though this hurts, it's the right thing for me to do now.

Yours always,

Bones.

She considered signing it 'Temperance,' but that would make it less personal and she needed this to be as personal as possible.

A tear fell on the paper and she cursed. 'Damn.' Looking at the stain the water made on her letter, she shook her head. So be it. She put the letter in an envelope, without re-reading it again, thinking she'd find it too short or inadequate for her purpose.

Sighing again, she remembered Booth had her spare key but he would only use it to get into her house if there was an emergency. She'd have to make sure he got the letter, but she didn't want to drop it off by his place in case Hannah would get curious. She decided to leave it on her coffee table and send Booth a text that he had to get it, knowing he would if she pressed the issue.

Having called a cab, she texted Booth:

'Sorry I had to leave things this way. Please collect the letter I left for you at my place tonight. Use your key. X'

She didn't sign it, he would know from her number it was her. Her cab arrived and she got her suitcase, locking the door behind her. Leaving was harder than she had imagined it would be. She felt a stinging pain in her heart, a feeling of injustice and longing, but she knew she could not satisfy them and that this was the only way for her to move on. He had left for Afghanistan, she'd leave for Iraq.

A few minutes into the cab drive, her phone rang. Text message, from Booth.

Hey Bones, don't understand, care to elaborate?' Booth.

She sighed. If she didn't answer, he'd call her or go to her house. If he called her, she'd have to answer because he'd most likely put a trace on her phone if she kept ignoring it. She closed her eyes briefly before answering.

'I know it's complicated. Just collect the letter, it'll explain things. X'

Within thirty seconds, the answer. Damn, he was fast. She hoped he wouldn't make this hard on her, she hadn't told anyone about her plans, except for Angela because she had seen a plane ticket on her desk. She pressed 'open' and read Booth's reply.

'Ok, your rules. Be safe. X Booth.'

She smiled. Be safe. He always texted her 'be safe' as his final communication, and it made her feel unbelievably protected. But not anymore, she reminded herself. He wasn't her protector anymore. She was.

The cab arrived at the airport and she paid the driver and got on the plane as fast as possible. She didn't want to give her self time to reconsider.

Once the plane took off, she managed to relax a little. She was leaving this behind her, she didn't know when she'd be back and it felt cleansing. She was a little nervous about Booth's reaction to the letter. She didn't want him to feel responsible in any way for her leaving, and although she had said that in the letter, she knew he had a way of not listening to her when he felt strongly about something.