CHAPTER 11

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Onwards...

XXX

Ichigo could feel his face slowly become red. It was like the room had suddenly become fifty degrees hotter, even though he was sure that was not the case. Grimmjow looked completely innocent after uttering such a powerfully blunt sentence, his blue eyes blinking owlishly in the light. Ichigo had so many thoughts running through his head, he couldn't compose a reply. His gut clenched in the sear of arousal, though, making itself perfectly clear to him.

He wanted to reach out and grab the back of Grimmjow's neck and bring him into a savage kiss that never ended. He wanted Grimmjow to wreck him completely and put him back together again the only way two people could. Ichigo had fantasized about so many things between them that it took everything in him to step back and shake his head, because Grimmjow needed to be protected, not taken advantage of.

"No, Grimmjow."

It was hard to say those words, hard to see the crestfallen look overtake Grimmjow's face, the confusion and hurt following soon after. Ichigo hastily backtracked to smooth it over.

"I want to, but I can't."

"Why?" was Grimmjow's quick, shaky reply.

"I'm your friend," Ichigo spat out, because the words seemed lodged in his throat. They were stubborn and tumbled out with more venom than Ichigo intended. "I mean, I don't want… I don't even know what to say."

He stepped closer to Grimmjow, watching the flex of muscle in the other man's arms. Grimmjow seemed to have nervous energy all of a sudden, and it was influencing Ichigo. His could feel his pulse trying to burst out of his body and his heart pounding fiercely. He couldn't form coherent thoughts; they all seemed mushed together. He realized how often this occurred when he was around Grimmjow and shook his head, hoping the other man wouldn't think he was crazy. In trying not to hurt Grimmjow, it felt like he was doing the exact opposite by not being able to adequately communicate his feelings.

He gently placed his hands on Grimmjow's chest. "We don't have to do that, is what I'm trying to say. I… I care about you, and to jump into bed would be a bad idea. For me, and for you. I don't know how you feel, but I don't want just that…."

Ichigo couldn't look into Grimmjow's face. Fear of what he would inevitably see there gripped him and turned him into stone. All he could do to not break was look down at his feet. He couldn't pinpoint why this was so difficult; he was acting childish.

"What do you want?" Grimmjow murmured, and the sound was so different, his voice having gone even lower. "Why would you do that if you didn't want sex?"

Ichigo couldn't stop the redness that made another scorch upon his face. His cheeks were aflame like a brand new fire in a wood stove. The answer to Grimmjow's question was almost too complex for Ichigo to answer. Obviously he was hopelessly attracted to the man – and Grimmjow didn't exactly react badly to the kiss. Did that mean Grimmjow might want him too? Want something more? Or did he just think every time someone kissed him it automatically meant sex was sure to follow… the thought made Ichigo angry. Grimmjow had to learn that from someone.

"I'm not sure yet, Grimm. But because I kissed you – that doesn't just lead to sex. I don't want it to. You mean more to me than that."

There, Ichigo said it. His cards were on the table. He summoned what bravery he had left to look up, and was astonished to find Grimmjow's incredible blue eyes trained on him.

"Then why did you kiss me? I don't understand, Ichigo. Friends don't do that, do they?"

"No – well… it's different." Ichigo scrubbed a hand through his tangled orange hair, nerves making him feel disoriented. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to confuse you. I'm sorry."

It was so difficult to get what he wanted to say out. Ichigo was never one for drawn out explanations, but usually he could at least get his thoughts across. It was like his mind was covered in mist around Grimmjow, a constant haze, and it was so frustrating. The back of Ichigo's neck was inflamed and he could feel the sweat begin wetting his hair that had grown a bit longer.

"We're friends, of course," Ichigo forced himself to say. "But it's, it's complicated with me right now. Let's talk about it later. Please? Nothing is coming out right."

Instead of waiting for a reply, Ichigo jerked away and headed outside. He needed to be alone with his thoughts so he wouldn't embarrass himself further. He was such an idiot.

XOXOXO

Well, that won't do, Grimmjow thought as he watched Ichigo hurry from the room.

He wanted – no, he needed answers. Something had clearly changed between him and the orange-haired teacher, and there was no way he would be satisfied with that profound lack of information that Ichigo had just provided.

Grimmjow hopped off the kitchen counter and followed behind the shorter man. His thoughts were consumed with the soft texture of Ichigo's lips, the way he tasted, the way he smelled – but above all, he was shocked at how nice the whole kissing thing had felt. It was nothing like what Rangiku did to him. He made it as far as the porch and pulled up short at the sight of Ichigo pacing the wooden surface, one hand on his hip, the other plowing through his mess of tangerine spikes. Grimmjow watched for a while. He liked observing Ichigo when Ichigo didn't know he was there. Ichigo was more open and honest with his behavior, more genuine in a way. He didn't flit around like he had something to hide, or like he was walking on eggshells.

Finally, Ichigo turned on his heel and stopped, the movement so abrupt it made him stumble. His whiskey-brown eyes were wide and filled with a whole host of emotions Grimmjow was hard-pressed to label.

"Ah...Grimm. I-"

"Ichigo, I know we're friends, but I'm still confused. You don't want to have sex with me?"

Ichigo looked like a deer caught in a bright light. His face turned red again, but his eyes darted to the front door as if he was planning to escape. Grimmjow slid over to the empty space and blocked it, hoping that Ichigo would just give him the answers he wanted. He didn't want this to turn into something ugly like an argument. He stared at Ichigo until Ichigo met his gaze, then he looked off to the side. "Old habits die hard" was something he'd learned when it came to meeting the gazes of other people.

"I can't give you a straight answer, Grimmjow. It's difficult to explain."

That was a little offending. Ichigo never had a problem telling him anything before, no matter what the topic was. Grimmjow frowned. "I don't like that. You've always been able to answer any of my other questions. What's so different now?"

It was obvious that Ichigo was getting more and more frustrated, but Grimmjow was stubborn. He wanted to know why Ichigo had kissed him, but didn't want to have sex with him. It didn't make any sense, and Ichigo certainly wasn't helping the situation.

"This is a sensitive subject. It's not just cut and dry."

"I don't understand!" Grimmjow snapped. He really didn't like the way Ichigo wouldn't just tell him what he wanted to know, and now it was beginning to frustrate him. "You have to explain it to me, or else I won't fucking get it!"

It was embarrassing admitting something like that, but Ichigo had already seen Grimmjow at his worst; this was nothing.

Ichigo's eyes softened and his shoulders slumped, even as he lifted his hands in front of him, palm-side up. His mouth opened and closed before he sighed and shrugged. "Fine. I kissed you because I...because I really like you, Grimmjow. As a friend, of course, but also...also as something more." Ichigo paused and sighed again as he ran a hand through his hair. "Something like...a relationship. But...I don't want to have sex with you. Not yet. I-I think we should get to know each other better first. Um...but it's so sudden. I mean, do you even like men that way, Grimmjow?"

He'd asked for answers, and he'd damned sure gotten them. Now, he was overwhelmed. Ichigo liked him as more than a friend. And he said he didn't want to have sex yet. ...So that meant that he wanted to have sex one of these days, right? Grimmjow rubbed his temples, excitement crawling all over his skin, making him restless.

"So, when you say relationship," he started, lowering his hands to his sides and staring at Ichigo's left ear. "Do you mean like what you did with your old roommate?"

Ichigo's face flushed even redder as he slowly nodded. He bit his bottom lip and refused to look anywhere near Grimmjow's eyes.

"So get to know me better, then," Grimmjow grunted, shifting his weight to his right leg. "How do we get to know each other better?"

The nervousness in Ichigo's behavior and face ebbed away and was replaced with amusement and warmth. Grimmjow was too busy trying to keep himself still. It wasn't working. His body edged over to Ichigo like it had a mind of its own. He lifted a hand, hesitant at first, before it snagged in Ichigo's shirt collar. He gave a slight tug, indicating that he wanted Ichigo to come closer. Maybe he used more force than he thought because Ichigo stumbled as he took the couple of steps required to align their bodies. Grimmjow glanced into those honey-brown eyes for a few seconds, confident that Ichigo wasn't upset with him, and then he lowered his lips to the other man's.

Ichigo didn't fight him, nor did he protest. In fact, he gripped the front of Grimmjow's shirt with both hands, a quiet noise emanating from the back of his throat. They stayed that way for a while before Grimmjow pulled back and glanced into Ichigo's eyes again. He watched for as long as he could, then he lowered his eyes to Ichigo's soft lips.

"I like this," he murmured as he put his arms around the shorter man. "I like kissing you like this, Ichigo. And I want to have sex with you, but if we have to get to know each other better first, I'm OK with that, too."

Ichigo didn't say anything for a long time. So long, Grimmjow thought he wasn't going to respond at all. But then, he pressed his forehead to Grimmjow's chest and gave a low chuckle.

"You manage to surprise me everyday, Grimm." Grimmjow frowned, ready to retort, but Ichigo's soothing voice cut him off. "I feel the exact same way."

With a wide, almost goofy smile, Grimmjow placed his chin on top of Ichigo's head and hugged the teacher tight. Ichigo always found a way to make him incredibly happy.

XXX

Ichigo desperately wanted to continue this intimacy between them. He wanted to reach up and kiss Grimmjow until his lips were tingly and sore. He could feel the burning of want in his belly, the tightness and unmistakable pull of arousal that he'd tried so hard to keep at bay while living with Grimmjow, though it was not just arousal leading him. He liked this too, simply being held by the other man. It was comforting, being wrapped in Grimmjow's big arms. He felt alone so often these days, with no promise of affection that just a simple hug lit his nerve endings. Grimmjow seemed so sure about what he wanted, and was so accommodating to Ichigo. The situation had gone so radically different than Ichigo had imagined that it was actually kind of amusing. He would have thought Grimmjow would've needed time to sort out what he wanted, but no, Grimmjow wanted to get to know him better and wanted to put in the effort that would lead up to a relationship. Ichigo was overwhelmed with affection for the other man. The fact that Grimmjow was so willing to try for Ichigo, despite how new and most likely difficult this all was was so touching.

"Thank you," Ichigo murmured softly, right into Grimmjow's sun kissed skin.

It felt so incredible, like they were meant to fit together like this. It felt right. When Byakuya held him, it was fine and always felt good, but the other man seemed stiff, and Ichigo was vaguely reminded now of hugging a board.

"Why are you thanking me?" Grimmjow questioned, a small chuckle escaping the otherwise serious tone, voice gentle like it usually wasn't.

"Do I have to have a reason?" Ichigo shot back, grinning like a fool. There was a reason, so many reasons but Ichigo didn't want to confuse Grimmjow by spilling all his silly emotions and ruining the moment. He would explain the gratitude he felt later, in detail, but right now he just wanted to be selfish and held. "I just appreciate you. Everything."

Slowly, Grimmjow moved his hand down to Ichigo's lower back and squeezed tightly, bunching up Ichigo's shirt. Ichigo fought the urge to shiver at the sensation that followed. It provoked thoughts Ichigo wasn't sure he needed at the moment. Alongside the feelings of happiness within him, he could feel apprehension looming as well. Uncertainty. And that scared him. The thought of caring deeply about someone again was a little overwhelming. There were so many things to consider. After Byakuya, he wasn't sure he wanted to put all his trust into another person's hands. He did not realize how easy it was for that trust to be broken. That was one of the worst experiences he had ever had to endure. Loving someone was not easy, Ichigo knew, but he was not prepared to be left that way, totally devastated. He could still remember lying on the kitchen floor in that house, cheeks puffy and raw from tear tracks with his hands trembling, his body shaking.

The sense of security Ichigo felt before seemed to melt away. He swallowed and took a step back from Grimmjow, his skin creating goosebumps without the comforting heat of the other man. He was already missing that warm embrace. If Grimmjow was confused over his action or thought it odd, he didn't mention it, allowing Ichigo his space.

Ichigo sighed, rubbing at his arms, a sudden chill taking hold of him. "I think I'm gonna lie down."

He felt a little woozy.

If Grimmjow gave signs that he noticed Ichigo's sudden shift in mood, Ichigo didn't stick around to find out. He lumbered up the steps to his room like there were weights on his back dragging him down. Just the thought of Byakuya did this to him. He needed to rest, to think things over. Was it truly worth it to jump into something meaningful with someone again? Grimmjow would not be Gin. Gin was fun and easy to talk to, someone he could expend stress with, but neither of them were looking for anything more. Ichigo could never have a serious relationship with someone like that.

Speaking of which, Ichigo hadn't heard anything from the silver haired man in a while. He figured Gin was done with their affair and had moved on to a new adventure. He seemed like a wandering spirit, and that was what had intrigued Ichigo in the beginning. The wispy man was self-assured while seemingly living in a dream world. It made life fun for a while, but Ichigo craved what Gin could not give him.

Everything about Grimmjow was beautiful. Ichigo knew deep down that he hadn't ever really felt like this before. He wanted the best for Grimmjow – to protect him and help him, to be by his side. The connection they had was unlike anything Ichigo had ever known in his life. When he thought of the other man, he got a giddy feeling in his stomach, and the urge to do silly things like run his hands in those blue tresses became unbearable. He just wanted to lie in bed all day and hold him.

All those mushy thoughts were starting to make Ichigo a little sick to the stomach. He could see Grimmjow's face now at learning of all Ichigo's internal angst. Baffled would be a good description.

Maybe it was just everything happening at once. He patted his belly – softer now than it had been in a while – and closed his eyes. He remembered the last time he went for a run and regretted not keeping up with it.

When Ichigo woke up, he didn't know what time it was, but he felt drained and a little sore from lying on his side too long. He stood up slowly, letting the kinks in his muscles work themselves out. Lately when he woke, his first thought always went toward Grimmjow. He wanted to know what the man was doing, how he was feeling, something along those lines. Ichigo had tied a lot of his own feelings to Grimmjow. If Grimmjow seemed happy, it directly affected Ichigo's mood and made him happier. It was odd but he had always been this way concerning the people he cared about. He got it from his mother, he supposed. Ichigo remembered her as always being empathetic and extremely emotional. She would make sure his father was OK, and if he was in a contrary kind of mood, she would make every effort to make him feel better. It usually seemed to work.

He felt emotions in the same way and had to direct them somewhere. With Grimmjow, Ichigo found it almost too easy to concentrate his energy.

Ichigo went to his meager closet and picked out a simple light blue and white plaid shirt, and a pair of loose fitting pants that hung low on his hips. He scrubbed a hand through his unruly hair and let it stick up. He didn't feel like exerting any effort over his appearance.

When he reached the bottom of the steps, the sight that greeted him was a familiar one.

Grimmjow was tinkering with something between his hands, his eyes trained in concentration, not giving Ichigo a glance.

Ichigo approached the table, noting how unusual it was for Grimmjow to sit there. Taking a seat across from the other man, Ichigo smiled and tried to discern what the object was that Grimmjow smoothed between his capable hands.

"You can't drink out of it," Grimmjow muttered, almost absently.

Ichigo couldn't help but chuckle at the remark. It was a wooden tea cup. Ichigo felt like his smile might break his face. He knew it was a dopey grin but he could do nothing to stop it.

"It's for you."

Though he wasn't looking at Ichigo directly, Ichigo could see that Grimmjow was blushing a little. Ichigo walked over slowly to stand at Grimmjow's side, eyeing the little cup. It was so adorable. The thought behind it, however, was what really made Ichigo swell with affection for the other man. Despite his conflicted feelings at their newfound, deeper connection, he knew that he wanted Grimmjow, and not just for the man's body. Ichigo just had to take baby steps to make sure that this was right for both of them.

Rushing into something would only cause pain.

XOXOXO

Fire threatened to swallow Grimmjow whole as Ichigo stood beside him at the kitchen table. He'd stayed up all night, huddled in the corner of the garage, AKA his workshop, an idea having taken root in his mind and refusing to give him rest until it came to fruition.

When he thought about the previous night – the soft feel of Ichigo's lips, the light taste of his skin – Grimmjow had a hard time calming down. Before he'd holed up in the garage, he'd spent a few desperate moments in his bedroom, touching himself in a way he hadn't bothered to since high school. Embarrassed, even in solitude, but strongly determined, he'd imagined all the ways he wanted to touch Ichigo and have Ichigo touch him in return.

If the teacher could have heard his thoughts, hell, seen his actions, Ichigo would probably run for the hills, thinking Grimmjow an incurable pervert.

He couldn't help himself, though. Any time quiet descended, any time he closed his eyes, any time he breathed, Ichigo would settle in his mind like an anchor hitting the ocean floor. It was unavoidable after being kissed in such a gentle, soothing manner. As a matter of fact, Neliel would call it positively mind-blowing.

With a quiet exhale, he peered at Ichigo from the corner of his eye, taking in the comfy-looking plaid shirt and slacks before carefully allowing his gaze to rest on the orange-haired man's face. Ichigo was smiling down at him, whiskey-brown eyes soft as room temperature butter, and it made a huge grin break out across Grimmjow's own face.

"So...you like it?"

Ichigo ran his hand through Grimmjow's hair, causing a warm pool of heat to gather in Grimmjow's belly.

"I love it. Thank you, Grimm."

Words couldn't even begin to describe what he was feeling, so instead, he leaned in Ichigo's direction, eyes closing on their own. He really liked being around the teacher, but even more-so now that he knew that Ichigo wanted to be more than friends. A relationship was what he'd called it. Excitement flooded Grimmjow at the prospect of more kisses, more laughter, more everything with Ichigo.

"Did you sleep alright?" Ichigo went on as he took a seat beside Grimmjow at the table.

Grimmjow inwardly mourned the loss of the other man's warmth and careful fingers as he quirked his lips and shrugged.

"I didn't sleep. Wasn't really tired," he mumbled, just as a yawn stretched his mouth.

Ichigo chuckled and wrapped his hands around the small wooden tea cup. It fit between his palms perfectly, the sight making Grimmjow insanely proud.

"You should get some rest, then. I bet it's hitting you hard now."

Grimmjow thought about his bed and had to admit to himself that it was incredibly enticing, but he wanted to spend more time with Ichigo. He didn't realize he was making an odd face until Ichigo laughed again, the deep, husky sound sending a lazy shiver down Grimmjow's back.

"What's that look about?"

And Grimmjow being the kind of person he was, couldn't keep the words from leaving his mouth. "Will you stay with me?"

Those comforting brown eyes widened, uncertainty and a little fear filling them, and Grimmjow remembered what Ichigo had mentioned the night before. It was difficult keeping that getting-to-know-each-other-better thing in mind when it came to Ichigo, and even though Grimmjow really didn't want to mess things up, he also wanted to keep the teacher around him as much as possible. Whether they had sex or not didn't seem to matter anymore.

Before Ichigo could say anything, Grimmjow averted his eyes and rubbed the side of his nose. "I don't mean having sex, Ichigo."

The tension that had begun thickening in the room slowly dissipated as Ichigo blew out a shaky breath and ran a hand through his sleep-matted hair.

"Sorry, Grimm. I thought-"

"I just wanna be around you while I sleep...if that's OK...with you, I mean," Grimmjow interrupted.

Ichigo's eyes went dark with something Grimmjow couldn't quite identify. It was a look he'd never seen the teacher wear before, and, honestly, it surprised him. It was like Ichigo's spirit had left his body, leaving his eyes empty and distant. Grimmjow didn't understand.

"Ichigo...are you sick?"

Maybe that could account for Ichigo's total lack of expression at the moment. However, the orange-haired man shook his head a bit and life slipped back into his eyes.

"S-Sorry, Grimm. I was just...thinking about...something."

His voice was low and hesitant, as if he was still caught up in whatever it was he'd been thinking about so intensely. Grimmjow started feeling antsy, confusion making him uncomfortable and restless. Maybe Ichigo was regretting what they'd shared last night? The thought made Grimmjow breathless with anger. His teeth clenched together as he glared at the surface of the table, hands drawing into tight fists. He didn't want Ichigo to change his mind about having a "relationship." He didn't want last night to be something he would only remember in his dreams.

He swallowed harshly and gathered his courage before turning to face Ichigo fully, mouth set in a grim line.

"You don't want me anymore?" he asked, voice flat.

Terror seized him as he waited for Ichigo's response. His chest was tight, his heart pounding. And suddenly, Ichigo's hand came up and whacked Grimmjow on the back of his head. The look in the orange-haired man's eyes was fierce, but mostly fond and exasperated.

"Would you stop that?" Ichigo started with a slight frown. "Just because I space out for a second, it doesn't mean I've changed my mind about how I feel about you. Stop doubting yourself with me."

All Grimmjow could do was stare in utter shock. In fact, he felt like Neliel had just scolded him for leaving his toys out on the floor, or for leaving the house without doing the dishes. It was so strange, it made him laugh. At first it came out as a startled chuckle, then it escalated into outright laughter. His shoulders shook and his eyes creased at the corners as he rubbed the spot Ichigo had smacked with the broad palm of his hand.

"You just hit me!" Grimmjow spluttered through his laughter.

Ichigo arched an orange brow, clearly shocked, but didn't react otherwise for the longest time. Meanwhile, Grimmjow couldn't help himself. He laughed some more, absently wiping tears of mirth from his right eye. Ichigo was so funny.

Thinking on it, he really was just like Neliel.

Thanks for reading!