THIS MIRROR ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US

CHAPTER 25: LONDON CALLING

The next evening at sundown, Damon and Caroline piled into the SUV and headed to the Lockwood mansion. Damon didn't have time to explain, only that he needed help and it was all for Elena, and Caroline obliged. The mansion was lit up brightly, well-dressed people were lined up at the door, and there was a fireworks display in the gardens. By every indication, it looked like a big party.

"You're taking me to a party?" Caroline whined. "I'm not dressed for a party! I thought you said this was about Elena!"

"It is about Elena! And we're not here as guests; we're here to crash the party!" Damon snapped. They scanned the road, looking for a parking space. When they spotted Stefan's red sports car sticking out like a sore thumb, they immediately pulled over and piled out. Stefan had just arrived, and he got out of his car, wearing a spiffy tuxedo.

"Hey! You guys made it!" Stefan announced happily.

"Stefan! Don't tell me you're actually attending this thing!" Damon blasted.

"Of course! It's better than just staying home and closing my eyes as Klaus takes Elena away," Stefan said. "You know Damon, it's a good thing you made me stay home to check the mail, otherwise no one would have been there to get the invitations. Here you go..." Stefan pulled out the silvery foil-like papers and handed one of each to Damon and Caroline.

"Holy crap! Do you realize what this means?" Damon announced. "It means Stefan finally did something useful!"

"Hey, you're right!" Caroline giggled.

"First time for everything, right?" Stefan laughed.

Damon held up the fancy invitation and read aloud: "Dear friends, enemies, co-workers, and minions of Klaus and Elijah: Please join us in celebrating the ritual sacrifice (a.k.a 'death-day') of Elena Gilbert, the last remaining human Petrova doppelganger. Black tie suggested." Damon grit his teeth in anger. "Un-freaking-believable!"

Stefan shrugged. "At least Elena gets to die with some style."

"Open bar, hopefully?" Caroline asked.

"Should be a killer party!" Stefan said. "I'm so glad you guys showed up when you did. I don't want to look like a loser going in alone. Caroline, would you be my date?"

"I'm with Damon, actually," Caroline said hurriedly.

"Wait a minute... you're actually choosing me over Stefan?" Damon asked Caroline. "I mean, not that I blame you for picking the better, hotter, superior-"

"Shut up, Damon!" Stefan snapped.

"Are we going to just stand here bickering, or are we going to the party?" Caroline asked.

"Shut up, Caroline!" Damon snapped. "I told you we're here to crash it! No party means no sacrifice!"

"But I want free alcohol!" Caroline whined. "Let's go, Stefan."

Caroline begrudgingly took Stefan's arm and the foursome made their way down the path, showed their invitations at the door, and entered to join the incredibly huge party inside the Lockwood estate.

Intent on sabotaging the party, Damon slipped around the back of the mansion and entered through the basement. In the dark cellar, he heard two male voices talking. Recognizing the two voices as Jeremy and Tyler, so Damon hid around the corner and listened.

"I was just wondering," Jeremy said.

"Wondering what, Gilbert?" Tyler groaned.

"Is that the moonstone in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?" Jeremy teased.

Damon quietly facepalmed himself, hidden in the cellar shadows.

"Shut the hell up, Gilbert," Tyler groaned. "You're supposed to be helping me, not checking out my package."

"I mean the whole silly thing with us both screwing Vicki," Jeremy went on. "You ever wonder if that was more about us trying to find each other?"

"No. Never." Tyler shot back.

Damon decided he'd had enough and made his presence known to the two tuxedo-clad boys, who were shocked to learn that they were not alone. "Hope I'm not interrupting any homoerotic dialogue," Damon jibed, "but just what the hell is going on here?"

"Uh... Elijah asked us to bring up a few more bottles of champagne," Jeremy explained, showing the bottles he held in each hand.

"Yeah. You can't have a party without the champagne," Tyler said.

"That's true... that's very true," Damon repeated with growing glee, as he formulated an idea. Suddenly, he sprang forward and grabbed the bottles from the boys, angrily smashing and breaking them on the floor. Jeremy and Tyler fought back and they ended up struggling on the ground. Tyler growled and bit into Damon's arm, sinking his teeth into the leather of his jacket like a hungry dog clamping down on a rawhide bone. Damon kicked Tyler away and then retreated from the basement and headed upstairs to the party. It didn't take him long to spot the guest of honor in her ice blue dress, and her bitchy doppelganger right beside her.

"Nice dress," Katherine snickered, sneaking up behind Elena to surprise her. "Mind if I borrow it?"

Elena spun around. "Katherine! I missed you so much!" The doppelgangers hugged.

"I wouldn't miss our doppel-date," Katherine said happily. Elena wiped a tear from the corner of her eye.

"Stefan! Damon! Caroline! I'm so glad you all made it! You have no idea how much this means to me!"

A tuxedo-clad Jeremy popped out of the crowd. "Hey Elena, you should let Elijah know that we're running out of shrimp poppers."

"Okay, I will," Elena said. "The last thing I want is people going hungry at my death-day party. What an embarrassment that would be!"

"Have you all lost your minds!" Damon groaned, infuriated. "I mean, am I the only person on the planet who understands that Elena's about to die? Am I?"

"Don't be such a buzz kill, Damon," Elena admonished.

"Yeah, lighten up Damon," Stefan said. "It's a party. Have some fun! Quit being so broody and tortured. You're reminding me of... me."

"You're all insane! You can all go to hell!" Damon blasted.

"Calm your tits, good sir," Elijah said. The Original materialized out of the crowd, carrying an ornate, antique looking urn. "This is an ancient elixir I procured for Katerina. It possesses certain magical properties of resuscitation. Miss Gilbert will drink this before the sacrifice..."

"And then I'll be dead..." Elena added.

"And then you won't be," Elijah finished.

"That's your plan?" Damon fired back incredulously. "Some mysterious elixir with no expiration date? Elena, how can you even trust this snake oil salesman? What if it doesn't work?"

Elena shrugged. "Then I guess I'll just be dead."

"You should probably drink it now," Elijah said.

Elena accepted the urn, removed the stopper, and took a sip of the magical liquid while her friends looked on. "It's funny," she said. "It tastes exactly like root beer without any fizz in it."

"What? Let me see that!" Elijah blasted. He grabbed the urn from Elena, took a drink from it, and then became livid. "This isn't a magical resuscitation elixir! Those bastards ripped me off!"

"Did you keep your receipt?" Caroline asked. "Maybe you can still get your money back."

"I doubt it, Caroline, seeing as how he bought it five hundred years ago," Elena said as she watched Elijah storm off in a huff.

"Now what?" Damon demanded.

"Damon, keep your temper in check," Elena said.

"Happy death-day, Elena," Stefan said.

"Thank you, Stefan!" Elena cheered.

"This sucks!" Katherine fumed.

"Fuck this!" Damon snapped.

"Damon, why can't you and Katherine be more supportive of my death, like Stefan is?" Elena whined.

"I told you, we should have let Bonnie nip it in the bud before it got out of hand," Damon said.

"Then she'd be dead," Elena countered.

"Screw the witch!" Damon snapped. "I'll always choose you, Katherine."

"Do you realize you just called me Katherine?" Elena asked. Damon squinted.

"Stuff it, Elena. He said he'd choose me," Katherine gloated.

"I know what he said, but he was looking at me," Elena argued.

"Doesn't matter! He said Katherine," Katherine teased.

"It was a mistake! He meant it for me!" Elena whined. "Didn't you, Damon?"

"Wait. I'm confused," Damon said. "Probably because I was just daydreaming about having sex with Katherine in the bathroom."

"Meet me upstairs in ten minutes, and we can make the leap from dreams to reality," Katherine purred.

Damon leaned over and whispered in Katherine's ear: "Do me a favor and hold back Stefan and Caroline for me."

"Why? What are you gonna do?" Katherine muttered quietly.

"I'm going to force my blood down Elena's throat," Damon muttered nonchalantly.

"That's your amazing plan?" Katherine asked. "That sucks."

"You have a better idea?" Damon asked.

"Actually, I do," Katherine said.

"What?"

"I'm going to force my blood down her throat," Katherine snapped back. They both bolted for Elena, but ended up tackling each other to the ground.

"No you're not!" Damon snapped.

"Admit it, Damon! You just wish you had the balls to do it!" Katherine gasped.

"I do have the balls to do it! You keep stealing my material! You're a hack!" Damon spat.

Suddenly, an awed hush fell over the party goers. Whispers were passed all around the room: "He's here." The crowd parted, clearing a path. Elena shared worried glances with her friends. The room went dead silent as Klaus entered.

"Welcome, brother," Elijah greeted.

"Lovely night for a party. Where is my doppelganger?" Klaus demanded.

"What's the hurry? Why not mingle for a bit?" Elijah suggested.

"Don't tell me..." Klaus stared down his brother fiercely. "You've developed feelings for her, haven't you? You weak, pathetic old softy."

"Don't be ridiculous," Elijah said. "She's around here somewhere."

"In other words, you don't know where she is?" Klaus sighed. "Please tell me history is not repeating itself."

"I'm right here, jackass," Elena announced, stepping out of the crowd. Everyone collectively gasped.

Klaus smirked. "Wow, what a bitch. You're the complete opposite of sweet, innocent Katerina."

"Yeah, tell it like it is, Klaus," Katherine cheered.

"Look, I just don't want anyone else to get hurt," Elena said. "So go ahead and drain my blood or whatever and get this stupid sacrifice over with. I think the suspense is killing me more than the blood draining, at this point."

Klaus laughed heartily and jabbed Elijah with his elbow. "Sacrifice? She thinks I'm here to sacrifice her, Elijah!"

"Well... aren't you?" Elijah asked, confused.

"Yeah, aren't you?" Elena asked.

Klaus laughed. "Silly, unfounded rumors. I didn't come here to do any sacrificing! That kind of stuff is way too old school."

"You didn't?" Elena asked, perplexed.

"You didn't?" Elijah asked, confused.

"Wait... he didn't?" Katherine muttered.

"I don't see the point," Stefan muttered.

"The hell?" Damon muttered.

"Is this guy for real?" Caroline muttered.

"Elena, I didn't come here to sacrifice you," Klaus continued. "I came here to start a life with you." Elena's jaw dropped.

"Hey, he stole my line!" Stefan shouted, while Caroline and Damon restrained him. "The jerk is stealing my lines and my girl! Let me go! I'm gonna kill him! I'll go ripper on his ass! Let me go!"

"Easy, Stef!" Damon warned.

"Well, Elena?" Klaus went on. "I have a private jet waiting to bring us back to my London townhouse."

Elena's eyes lit up. "Ooh! I've always wanted to live in London!"

Katherine stepped forward, sparked by jealousy. "Wait, London townhouse? Hey Klaus, I'm still available! Don't you want me?"

Klaus shrugged. "Not really."

"But I'm the real deal!" Katherine whined. "I'm the crazy bitch! She's just a pale imitation of me in every way!"

"But I want a human doppelganger," Klaus said, turning to Elena. "Well then sweetheart, shall we go?"

The crowd fell completely silent in anticipation.

"Um... well thanks for the offer, but I'll have to pass," Elena said politely.

The crowd collectively awed. Klaus was speechless. No one had ever refused him before. Sensing impending violence, Elijah tried to usher Klaus away from the party. "Well, thanks for stopping by," Elijah said. "Give me a call when you get back to London."

"I'm not leaving without my doppelganger," Klaus said coldly.

"I'll go!" Katherine volunteered.

"Shut up, Katerina!" Klaus barked. "I want Elena."

"Doesn't everybody?" Caroline sighed.

"I believe Miss Gilbert made it clear that she doesn't want to go anywhere with you," Elijah said.

Klaus shook his head. "And so it begins again. Admit it, brother. You just want to live out your Petrova fantasies vicariously through Elena!"

"That's exactly what you're trying to do!" Elijah snapped.

"Fine. There's only one way to settle this," Klaus said. With a snap of his fingers, a servant appeared bearing a wooden box with an ornate family crest on it. He opened the box, revealing a pair of antique guns and two bullets set on a bed of crushed velvet. The bullets were also made of wood and appeared hand-carved.

Elijah nodded. "The old family dueling kit."

Elena gasped at the sight of it. "Wait! You guys don't have to do this!"

"Shut up, Elena. Just shut up, step back, and let the two nut bags kill each other," Damon muttered.

"One bullet each, hand carved from the very last remains of the great white oak of our forefathers. The only material capable of killing an Original," Klaus explained.

The crowd scattered back against the walls of the ballroom and watched silently as Klaus and Elijah each loaded their respective gun with a single bullet. The Original brothers stood back to back. "Ten paces, turn, and fire," Klaus said.

"With honor," Elijah said.

The party goers watched anxiously as the brothers began their march. "One... two... three..." Klaus' burly servant counted off each step. "Four... five... six... seven... eight... nine... ten!" The Original brothers spun around and fired, and a thick cloud of gun smoke filled the room. When the smoke cleared, Klaus was still standing. But so was Elijah.

"Damn it!" Klaus shouted.

"This was a stupid idea," Elijah snickered.

"No! It was an awesome idea!" Klaus snarled. "It's not my fault these antique guns can't shoot straight!"

"Well, you should have checked that out before we wasted the last white oak bullets on earth!" Elijah complained.

"Now what are we going to do?" Klaus moaned.

"Easy. Rock-paper-scissors competition. Best three out of five. Winner gets the girl," Elijah suggested.

"Fair enough. Let's do it!" Klaus pumped his fist. "Just one thing..."

"What?"

Klaus looked all around the room. "Where is the girl?" Elijah looked around. Stefan and Damon looked around. Caroline and Jeremy looked around.

Elena was gone.

"This is ridiculous," Damon sighed, wiping a spectacular amount of sweat from his brow.

"You don't look so good," Stefan said.

"I don't feel so good." Damon pulled up the sleeve of his jacket to reveal the dark wound; the venom spreading through his veins. "Wolf bite. I'll be on my deathbed if anyone needs me," he said casually, patting Stefan on the shoulder as he marched out of the party.

With what little hope remained, Stefan turned to Klaus. "Um... Mr. Klaus, sir? Sorry to bother you, but you wouldn't happen to know of a cure for a werewolf bite, would you?"

Klaus smiled wide and wrapped his arm around Stefan's shoulders. "I've been watching you. I'll make your dreams come true. All I ask is that you destroy what's left of your humanity and embrace your true nature as a rippah."

"Uh... that isn't like... a gay thing, is it?" Stefan asked hesitantly.

Klaus laughed heartily as he escorted Stefan away from the party. "So many possibilities! Come along, mah rippah."

Meanwhile, back at the boarding house, Elena attempted to be of some consolation to Damon as he lay dying.

"You can't die! You can't leave me! You can't leave me all alone with Stefan! He's going to drive me insane!" Elena cried.

"Then you'll finally know what I've had to put up with," Damon groaned, sweating profusely on his deathbed. "I know that it's always gonna be Stefan, or Mason, or Elijah, or Matt, or... whoever the hell it is this week, but... you need to know that I love you, Katherine."

Elena frowned. "I'm not Katherine."

"I know, Katherine," Damon deliriously groaned. "But I still love you."

Elena rolled her eyes. "Great. Thanks."

"Remember how much fun we had in 1864? You liked me back then."

"I like you just the way you are now," Elena said. "Calm, docile, sedated, unable to flip out and kill people..."

Damon shook his head. "It's too late for me. I deserve to die."

"Well, I can't exactly argue with that," Elena said. "But it still sucks!"

"It shouldn't be long now," Damon sighed.

Elena cried. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Well..." Damon groaned, "actually... a blowjob would be nice."

Elena stopped crying. "What?"

Damon cleared his throat. "That's where you take-"

"No!" Elena snapped. "I mean it's just kind of amazing that you can be on your deathbed and still be obsessed with sex."

"Consider it a hummer of forgiveness. It's my final wish. My last, sweaty, dying wish. It's your choice. But hurry up 'cause I'll be dead soon. No pressure though."

Elena sobbed uncontrollably as she began to unfasten his belt buckle, but she jumped off the bed in embarrassment when Katherine came through the door. "Um... where's Stefan?" Elena stammered nervously.

Katherine frowned. "You sure you really give a crap?"

Elena sighed. "Not entirely."

Katherine wasted no time in climbing onto the bed and feeding Damon the contents of the bottle. "You got free, and you still came here?" he groaned.

"You know I never miss an opportunity to play nurse with you," Katherine teased.

"Ahem! Hello! I'm still in the room!" Elena announced.

"Nobody cares, Elena," Katherine said.

"So where's Stefan?" Elena persisted.

"He just gave up everything to save his brother..." Katherine said, "including his heterosexuality."

Elena was in shock. "Wait a minute! Do you know what this means?"

Katherine shrugged. "Stefan actually did something useful for once?"

Elena nodded. "Exactly!"

"First time for everything, I guess," Katherine said.

Elena immediately took out her phone and sent a quick text to Stefan: "Damon is okay. Where r u? -Elena"

She waited a minute, and then a reply came in, confirming the worst: "Going to a gay biker bar w/ Klaus. BBL. -Stefan"

Elena texted back: "LOL! OMFG srsly? -Elena"

A reply came in a minute later: "Yeah but only for like 10 yrs. LOL -Stefan"

Elena wrote back: "OMG that's like forever to me. 10 years is more than half of my lifetime! -Elena"

Stefan replied: "Don't worry about me, just have fun sleeping w/ Damon. LOL -Stefan"

Elena replied: "K thx I will. LOL -Elena"

"Told you," Katherine said.

"What do we do now?" Elena asked.

"Well, we can't just leave Damon here, all sweaty and gross and delirious," Katherine said.

"You're right," Elena said.

"He really could use a bath..." Katherine suggested.

"That's what I was thinking," Elena said.

"The tub is pretty big. I bet it could fit three people easily," Katherine hinted.

"I'll start the water, you get his clothes off," Elena said.

Katherine hefted Damon up over her shoulder and carried him into the bathroom. In minutes, he found himself hurled into a bubble bath with the two naked doppelgangers who worked him over with a sponge. "Wow! Two Katherines! Am I dead? Is this heaven?" he groaned in groggy ecstasy.

"Something like that," Elena said.

"I choose you, Kathelena!" he declared. "I choose you!"

"Yes, you do," Katherine said. "It's okay to love us both. And it's okay to fuck us both, even though I'll always be the better lay."

"Hey!" Elena snapped.

"What? You both know it's the truth," Katherine said.

"Yeah, I do. But quit hogging his front," Elena whined.

"You quit monopolizing the sponge!" Katherine snapped.

"I'm not!" Elena whined.

"You've had it for five minutes! Give me that!" Katherine grabbed at the sponge.

"No!" Elena tugged back.

"Give me the sponge, Elena!" Katherine tugged.

"Quit it, Katherine!

Later that night, Elena sighed in the passenger seat of the speeding Porsche. "I can't believe I agreed to this."

"You'll get used to it. The first thirty years are the hardest," Katherine said as she steered the car onto the interstate highway. "Just be glad you don't have to run alone like I had to. We're going to have so much fun together!"

"Just so you know, I'm not doing any boyfriend swapping with you, or anything like that," Elena said.

"But we already have," Katherine whined. "Besides, that's the best part about being doppelgangers! We should share everything, including our boy toys."

"Where are we going, anyway?" Elena asked.

"I'm thinking somewhere tropical," Katherine said. "We can get matching bikinis and laze it up on a beach for a little while before Klaus gets bored with Stefan and comes after me."

"You mean before Klaus comes after me," Elena corrected her.

"No way. I don't care how gay he acts; Klaus is still hot for me," Katherine said assuredly.

"You're delusional!" Elena whined. "Klaus said he wants me for who I am."

"So did Stefan and Damon, but we both know that's bullshit," Katherine huffed.

Elena rolled her eyes. "I feel like death warmed over. I must look like hell." Pulling the compact mirror from her bag, she was aghast at the pale form staring back at her. But even more disturbing was the second face that showed up in the mirror. "Oh no!" She snapped the mirror shut, only to open it again and be greeted by the face of the cantankerous warlock.

"Elena!" Jonas cried out. "Thank God I found you!"

"What the hell are you doing in my compact?" Elena asked.

"I'm getting better at this," Jonas said. "Now Elena, listen to me very carefully. There's an ancient grimoire buried underneath a strip club in Charlotte, North Carolina... I need you to go there and dig it up before-" Elena abruptly snapped the mirror shut and dropped it back into her bag.

"Were you talking to your mirror?" Katherine asked.

Elena sighed. "Just drive."