Post-ep for Sense memory. Set in the same H/P love-in universe as my previous post-ep "Unlucky thirteen".

This is not complete as I'm going to diverge from CM here and add more chapters.

I own nothing, no infringement intended no profits made.

Slamming her apartment door behind her she knew she wouldn't be coming back here until this was over. Maybe not even then. Whatever she told herself about records being locked away, confidential, destroyed even she knew Doyle had traced her. He would play with her, leave her for last and then come for her. She toyed with calling Sean, but really doubted her could help her. She knew really what she needed to do, safeguard the people she cared about, she'd done everything she could to avoid hurting them, but she knew she would have to hurt them to keep them out of this.

She swallowed back a shaky breath as she knocked on Hotch's office door. She was glad he was here late and not home, she didn't want to risk Doyle linking them, she hadn't been to his place sine she'd met with Sean.

He looked surprised when she slipped in and closed the door behind her, and raised his eyebrows in a question.

"Hey." he said hesitantly. He was astute enough to know that she had been off the last week or so, she knew he hoped he was about to find out why.

"Hey," she echoed as she slipped into the seat opposite him, "I'm sorry to come here late but I needed to talk to you."

He sat back from the desk, giving her his full attention and encouragement to continue.

"I've been feeling... overwhelmed, and I know it's really not what you want to hear but I need some time to decide if this is really what I want."

He chewed his lip for a second, she watched his body tense, "You're running."

She braced herself, she was going to have to make this convincing, to make sure he stayed away, "So what if I am? I'm the one who'll get transferred, you get a notch on your bed post and I get labelled as the one who sleeps her way into a unit." she let her voice rise slightly.

"You haven't been worried about our positions here before." he replied

"Maybe I have and I just didn't want you to know." she countered.

"What about everything we planned? What about Jack? I let him get to know you, to love you."

"I don't think I'm ready for an instant family, its too much. It's too many changes too fast, I feel like I've got two lives running at once and you're asking me to choose. Well my job was my life before I ever met you, and yours has always been your top priority, I can't be some barefoot and pregnant housewife Hotch, not even for you." her own words pained her, because actually it was everything she wanted and she could be, especially for him and Jack.

Hotch stood open mouthed as if she had slapped him, she knew she had hit a sore point, his commitment to his job having ended his marriage.

"Why now?" he asked, "I don't understand this." he shook his head.

"Why should I have to make you understand this? All you need to know is that we need to be professional, I don't want anything else from you."

He bowed his head, "Fine." he whispered, "Obviously theres nothing I can say."

It took every ounce of will power she had to stand and not throw herself at him and apologise, "I have some vacation days, I'll take a couple, give us a chance to cool down." she said quietly

"Fine." he repeated expressionlessly.

She closed the door behind and fought a loosing battle with tears as she headed back to the parking garage. She took a few deep breaths to clear her vision before pulling out a little too fast. That had been one of the hardest things she ever had to do but she knew she had to do it for his safety and to prevent putting Jack at risk. She would bare whatever consequences came her way from either her past or current actions, she had spent the better part of her life cutting things up into neat little sections, this belonged with that, etc, and she saw now she had accomplished very little. She had let her less settled teenaged years leak into her professional life by seeking out a role where she could legitimately take risks, be someone else, have a different life, and do it under the pretence of bringing someone to justice. Sure she had done that, but at what cost to herself? She'd embraced her new history when she started in the BAU, but closed her whole life off to the team she trusted and valued so highly. She'd shied away from relationships afraid to get involved and give too much away and then ironically fell for a man who valued trust above all else when one of their first conversations was laced with lies. Her work history of inexperience in the field, vague locations, he had never questioned why in all her time with the BAU she had not mentioned a single previous case, something that other agents do on a daily basis. In their personal life he had never pushed her for information, taking only what she gave and accepting her on face value. Maybe she had been lying about herself so long she couldn't remember what the truth was. Some things she was certain of, she regretted having to walk away and she loved him, and once this was all over she would damn security clearance and tell him what had been going on and why she said such awful things to hurt him. She supposed he would either forgive her or not, but right now safeguarding him and Jack mattered more than not hurting him. Having seen what he went through with Foyet she couldn't even consider giving him the option of putting Jack at risk in anyway.

As she slipped through the door of her hotel room she held it open to allow the light to shine in until she located the light switch. She did a cursory survey of the room but her heart wasn't really in it. The constant hyper vigilance was exhausting, draining, she knew that was Doyle's intention, to leave her long enough to wear herself out. Eventually she'd be sleep deprived, strung out and stressed enough to make a stupid mistake and he would be waiting. Her best hope was that his tempestuous and impatient nature would get the better of him and he wouldn't be able to wait that long.

She threw her bag down and slumped onto the bed with a deep sigh. Reluctantly she pulled her overnight bag off the floor onto the bed beside her and rooted around for the small paper bag which held her afternoon purchase. After a deep breath she slid the rectangular box from the bag and fingered the plastic wrapping suspiciously. Eventually deciding she had better just get on with it she tore off the plastic and pulled open the box the read instructions she didn't need. She knew how to pee on a stick. What she didn't know was quite what to do afterward. They were supposed to share this moment, it was theirs, taking a pregnancy test like this made her feel like a stupid teenager all over again. She desperately wanted him to be here, to share the wait, the anticipation, the fear and excitement. But she couldn't let him know right now. She could only hold onto the faint hope he wouldn't hate her for keeping this from him, if indeed there was a 'this' to keep from him.

She paced with the stick in her hand, ignoring the instruction to leave it on a flat surface. Why was three minutes such a long time? Why was this happening now?

As the timer alert on her phone sounded she grasped it up and silenced it. Uncovering the result window she wasn't surprised to see the word "PREGNANT" displayed there.

Unable do anything else she laughed out loud alone in her hotel room and lifted up a silent prayer that she would have a chance to give Hotch the news about their baby some way apart from as a footnote on her autopsy report after Doyle had finished with her.