January 7th 2011

Dear Friend,

I have woken up to some pretty scary things in my life. This, though, this was ridiculous.

And no, the scariest thing wasn't the fact that I was in a room with pink walls or that there was a giant purple stuffed unicorn eyeing me up from the other side of the room, or even that there was somebody lying next to me with perfectly highlighted blonde hair. No, the scariest part was when I looked over to see who the perfectly highlighted hair belonged to, to see Heidi-freaking-Carson lying there.

And no, my first thoughts were not that Heidi Carson owned a giant purple unicorn.

A strangled cry escaped my mouth and I leaped out of the bed, only to realize a moment later that I was completely butt naked and pick up my pants in an attempt to shield my modesty. Slowly I backed into the wall.

This could not be happening.

Heidi's eyes snapped open.

"You…" I cried, pointing at her intensely, "How… why?" I was well aware that I had a serious case of word vomit and that it was…projectile but I was at no means to stop it. "But you're naked! And you're in the bed. I'm naked! I was in the bed…"

She looked at me like I was completely retarded. "Yes…"

"Please tell me I'm having a bad hallucinogenic mushroom trip – am I being punk'd? Is Ashton Kutcher hiding in your over sized closet right now?"

She rolled her eyes. "Christ. If I'd known you were going to react like a little girl I would've set my alarm and woke earlier."

Now it was my turn to stare at her like she was crazy. Her overall calmness confused the hell out of me. Talk about mindfuck. "How…how are you being so calm about this? Don't you get it? My penis entered your vagina."

"Yes, well," She arched a flawless eyebrow, "That generally is the definition of sex."

God, was she always so patronizing?

"But - but I hate you, always have. There is no way I would've done this unless my drink had been spiked with Ritalin."

"Well if it makes you feel any better, Jake, I hate you to." She patted the bed next to her, like I was some sort of irritating dog she was forced into being nice to. "Come sit."

Slowly, I edged towards the bed.

"Don't you have a boyfriend?"

"What, Chris? Please he doesn't own me, as much as he wants to."

She looked straight ahead, a determined look in her eye.

"What do we do now then," I asked, my voice softening. I was definitely beginning to feel the effects of a killer hangover. "I mean from here."

"Well no one can find out about this of course."

"Obviously. I'd rather die than have anyone know I slept with you."

I did not expect to see the look of hurt that crossed her face. "What? Jesus. Am I that repulsive?"

"No - of course not - you know…it's just on principle really."

She stroked my cheek, her gaze making me feel uncomfortable. In fact, the whole hand-touching-my-face made me uncomfortable. "Well you should probably go now, if you don't want anyone to see you."

"Um okay then." I stood then turning away from her. "Don't look."

She rolled her eyes again. "Whatever. I know it's not a chocolate frog you're hiding down there."

This was a dream. I was sure of it. I must have fallen over on my way to the bathroom and hit my head. This was all probably some weird nightmare my subconscious had come up with. Jesus, what if I was in a coma? Mom would be so pissed if I was in a coma. I ran a hand through my hair to check for blood.

"Right…okay…see you at school."

Queue the most awkward exist in the history of exists, which basically involved me running topless from the house and down the street. As if I didn't look guilty enough already. Now I'd been seen running away from the scene of the crime.

This day sucked.

"Jake, doing the walk of shame, I see."

Sarah was sat on the hood of her car, looking miserable. Maybe even more miserable than me. She waved me over, and scooted over so I could sit next to her.

"How did you know?" I asked.

She raised her eyebrows, "Your shirts on inside out."

"Dammit, and there I was thinking I got away with it."

She laughed, but her eyes were red and puffy like she'd been crying. I don't think I could even recall the last time I'd seen Sarah cry, probably back in middle school. I'd always admired this ability of hers; while everyone else fell apart she was the only one who ever seemed to have her shit together.

"So who was the lucky girl, Jakey?"

"Trust me, I don't think you'd believe me if I told you – and don't call me Jakey!" Honestly I still didn't believe it myself. For the first time in my life I was conflicted. Conflicted was not a word I would usually associate with myself – Mark maybe – but not me.

"Ooh sounds scandalous, little brother, now I'm interested."

"My lips are firmly sealed. A better question is, why were you crying, Sarah?"

She avoided my gaze, instead pretending to be more interested in the distant sounds of Kyle and Nigel abseiling down the side of the house. "I wasn't…"

"You can't lie to me Sarah, we're almost twins remember."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. 10 months difference. Blah, blah, blah."

"And don't you forget it,' I said, putting on what I regarded as an emotional voice. 'I'll always have your back."

She made a choking noise in the back of her throat. "Christ, Jake, this isn't a lifetime movie."

I chuckled. "I know, it's just I've always wanted to say that."

She wrinkled her nose. "God, you stink. You should lay off the death sticks."

"Stop changing the subject," I protested. Sarah was good at this. It was her way of never showing weakness. Just like Mark's was too do a lot of drugs, and Kim's was to use her intelligence as a way of making herself feel more superior.

It seemed like the Baker children had an issue with appearing vulnerable.

"Well…let's just say I saw someone I haven't seen in a long time last night."

"Who? Was it James?" James was her last boyfriend and longest relationship. Their epic romance had lasted a grand total of three months. She shook her head. "Oh, was it Parker?" Parker was her ex, ex boyfriend. She shook her head again. "Chris? Michael? Brett?"

"Dammit, Jake stop. You make it sound like I've dated the entire football team."

I raised an eyebrow. Clearly I'd hit a nerve. "Who was it then?"

"Eliot Murtaugh."

It was a while before I could control my laughter.