Hermione took a deep, steadying breath and clamped her arms firmly by her side to stop them from trembling. She inclined her head, giving her serious look even more weight underneath her delicately arching eyebrows.

"Ron…" She paused and then started again. "Ronald….Ronathan." She had to stop and turn away. "Merlin, I can't do this."

"Can't do what?" A chipper voice called out from behind.

"RON!" She yelped, whirling around in surprise and alarm.

The confession had been impossible to make to her stern and serious reflection in the mirror, but it was all the more impossible before Ron's vacant, simple smile.

"What'cha doin' Hermione?"

"Oh…Um. Just…practicing my swish and flick in front of this mirror." Hermione gave a half-hearted smile.

He swaggered up to her, turned her around, and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, pulling her close.

"I'm still remembering the swish and flick practice from last night." He whispered breathily into her ear and she flinched at the horrid innuendo.

"Ron, there's something I-"

"I mean when we had sex." He clarified, mistaking her look for one of confusion.

"Ron!" She suddenly burst out crying.

"Whoa," He turned her around, looking deep into her eyes in a concern born of love. "Hermione, what's wrong?"

"Ron." She couldn't get anything out past her desperate heaving sobs.

He pulled her into a deep comforting hug and stroked her hair, looking concerned.

"Did you get another A- on a test? I told you, Hermione, you're already perfect. You don't need some dusty, sterile professor and a piece of paper to tell you what I've known all along."

"Ron…it's not that." She took a deep breath, hardly soothed by his ministrations because she knew how much what she said next would hurt him. "I'm…pregnant!" She spat the word out as quickly as she could in the futile hope that its impact would be lessened.

"What?" He stopped stroking her hair abruptly.

She nodded her head, too consumed by emotion to speak.

"But that's not possible! You have to be married to have children." Ron turned her around and she could barely meet his searching, panicked eyes.

"Wait, what?" She frowned.

"Only married couples can have babies." He repeated. "You must be mistaken."

"Ron, it's…it's been about two months since I last…rode the red broomstick." Hermione looked down.

"What?"

"And I cast the accio pregnancy test spell…it's 100% accurate." She swallowed, starting to tremble violently.

"I don't understand how this could have happened!" Ron looked around wildly.

She put a hand to her temples and sighed.

"Remember when we had sex, Ron? That's how it happened." Hermione spoke clearly.

"But I thought that babies came from the baby gremlins!" Ron was so very, very confused.

"RON, were you even using a condom?" Hermione gave him an angry look of horror.

"A what?"

"A rubber? Didn't I ask you if you had one? And you said "yes", remember?" Her voice was going shrill with panic and rage.

"Yeah, right here." He held up a rubber eraser.

"Why would I want that?" She screeched, pointing at it.

"I was a little confused myself. I figured it was either in case you made a mistake, or that school supplies were a turn-on for you." Ron scratched his head.

Hermione was unable to speak for several moments.

"You mean to tell me," she began in a quiet, shaking voice, "that I was having unprotected sex with you THIS WHOLE TIME?" She finished with a resonant yell.

"Yes?" Ron responded, covering his head in fear. His looks were all he had going for him.

Hermione took some deep breaths in an attempt to stop herself from passing out due to hyperventilation.

"Okay. Forget about that for now. We need to figure out what we're going to do about this." Hermione closed her eyes, feeling slightly unwell.

Ron's eyes darted wildly around the room. How could he have fathered something? He had been so certain that the many times Fred and George had used his crotch for rugby practice had left him unable to conceive. He'd been counting on those baby gremlins, which apparently didn't exist.

"I don't know!" Ron felt a cold, icy terror welling up inside of him. "Can't we just give the pregnancy to someone else?"

"Contrary to what the muggle medical community would have you believe, it's not a disease Ron! And unless someone else is having teen-tastic sex, it isn't contagious!" She was beginning to make violent hand gestures.

"But…I don't want a baby! I'm not ready." Ron felt a strange ringing in his ears.

"You think I am?" Hermione looked hurt and furious all at once. "I had dreams, you know! I'm the fucking smartest person in Hogwarts ever!"

"Hermione, I don't think you should exaggerate like that-"

"HERE!" Hermione whipped out a book and pointed to a page. "It says so in Hogwarts: A History!"

Ron leaned in close, "Well fuck me."

"I ALREADY DID!" Hermione burst into tears again. "That's what got us into this mess."

"You don't have to yell at me. We're in this together." Ron tried to calm her down.

"What do we do?" Hermione sobbed into her open hands.

Ron, feeling some tears trickling down his cheeks, pulled her against his chest.

"Okay, here's what we do." His mind was working faster than it was used to, "We'll keep everything under wraps for now, and once it's born we'll give it to Hagrid."

"WHAT?" Hermione pulled back, looking at him horror.

"Think about it: He has no children of his own and he loves orphans. And no woman, not even that scary giantess Madame Olympe, will touch him! He doesn't even have to know it's from us. We'll just leave it on his doorstep. He'll be so happy." Ron's brain had apparently broken under the strain of thinking under pressure.

"Ron, this would be much, much harder to say if you were any smarter than you are." Hermione stressed each word, practically fuming, "But I think I'd be better off doing this without you!"

She whirled away from him and bolted from the room, sobbing loudly.

"Well that's a relief." Ron sighed. "Are we still on for next Sunday, then?"

Hermione could barely see where she was going. Her vision was swimming with tears and her unsettled state of mind made her dizzy with panic. How could this happen? She wasn't ready for this! And Ron was apparently an unsuitable partner. What was she to do? Who could she turn to? Who could she talk to? She rounded a corner, barely missing colliding with the wall, only to careen into some unknown person.

"Oof!"

She went flying and the person fell over. Landing in a heap, Hermione heard the person stand up behind her.

"Miss Granger, I've told you a thousand times that chess club marathons aren't worth the safety risk you pose to yourself and others as you run like a gibbled zebra down the halls." Came that unmistakable, sour voice.

She sat up slowly, trying to hide her face behind her hair by looking down at the floor.

"The least you could do is apologize to me!" She could hear the sneer in his voice. "And look at people when they're talking to you! Ten points from Gryffindor."

She remained still, not speaking and beginning to shake again. Snape felt a twinge of unease. This wasn't how she usually behaved when he was being an asshole.

"Miss Granger?" He asked, his voice softer than before.

When she failed to respond again, he knelt down next to her to try to see if she was injured from the accident that was clearly her fault. He was such a nice guy.

"Miss Granger?" He asked again.

Her head whipped up and she stared at him with wild, tear-filled eyes. He flinched at the visible sign of emotion. Why did he bother?

"Well…I can see that you are very…crying right now." He began awkwardly. "Are you injured?" He wished desperately to run away. "Shall I assist you to the infirmary?"

"No." Her voice was shaky and barely above a whisper, but still she stared at him with those horrible, intense eyes.

"Ah. Okay then. Uh…is anything…the matter?" He knew that he would regret doing this.

"I'm fine, thanks." It was like she was looking past or through him.

"Clearly you are not." He began slowly, really, really not wanting to be the good guy here. He steeled himself before asking the next horrible question. "What's wrong?"

She stopped, looked at him again, and then her eyes welled up with even more tears.

Fuck.

"Oh, professor!" She sobbed, tears continuing to stream from her swollen eyes down her cheeks. "I'm…I'm…pregnant!" She collapsed into a pile of rampant emotion on the floor, heaving with each labored breath.

"Oh." Snape looked downcast. "Well, then that's your fault." He stood up. "Twenty points from Gryffindor." He left.

Hermione laid there sobbing, unaware of how much time had passed. It could have been minutes, it could have been hours. It was certainly long enough for the house elves to appear and start mopping up the manifestation of her grief for her former self. Once she had cried all that she could, Hermione picked herself up off the ground and staggered toward the only place she could consider home.

"Isn't it wonderful, Ginny!" Harry clasped her hands in his, green eyes shining bright with painful excitement.

"Yes, dear." Ginny tried to force a smile onto her face.

"If we can solve this puzzle, then the secret of Gryffindor's orientation will be revealed. I mean, it's been bugging me for a while now. Was he a cat person, or a dog person?"

Ginny rolled her eyes. "He's a dead person. Does it really matter?"

"So long as he's alive in our hearts." Harry put a hand passionately to his chest.

"That still doesn't excuse you yelling out his name when we're making out." Ginny growled.

"You promised you wouldn't bring that up any more!" Harry looked shocked.

"And you promised no more gay puzzles!" Ginny glared at him.

"But-"

The portrait swung open and the two looked up in hopes of a distraction. Their hopes were rewarded.

Hermione's hair was even more matted and tangled than usual and her uniform was askew. Her eyes were swollen and red and the streaks down her cheeks revealed that she had been crying for some time.

"Hermione!" Harry and Ginny gasped.

Harry bounded up to her and put his hand on her shoulder.

"Are you okay?"

She shook her head and Harry helped her to sit down on the couch. Ginny quickly sat down next to her and started to rub her back. After a few tense moments of silence, Hermione finally spoke.

"Ron." Her voice was hoarse.

"What?" Harry looked alarmed, fearing Ron had somehow died.

Hermione cleared her throat and spoke in a voice that sounded more like her own, only a little more tired.

"You should go see Ron. I think he needs you right now."

Harry had no intention of leaving Hermione in this state, but felt a wave of concern for his bosom buddy Ron. He looked at Ginny desperately, unsure of what to do.

"Go find Ron, Harry, I'll look after Hermione." She gave him that steady reliable look that he had grown to love and admire.

He nodded firmly and sprinted from the common room. Ginny turned to Hermione, trying to look her in the eyes.

"What happened? Did you break up with him?" She continued rubbing Hermione's back, trying to find some answers.

Hermione shook her head.

"He didn't break up with you did he? That hardly seems like him. Maybe it was a bogart. He loves you!"

Hermione shook her head again and started shaking.

"Hermione what's…" Her eyes widened. "Oh."

Hermione burst out crying again and Ginny pulled her into a hug.

"Hey, it's okay. Calm down." She rocked Hermione back and forth in a soothing way.

"I…I knew after it had been two months." Her voice was laden with agony. "Your brother's such a retard." She resumed sobbing.

"I know, I know. I was surprised that you guys lasted this long. How did he take it? You have told him, right?" Ginny pried.

"Yes." Hermione's voice suddenly sounded hard. "He suggested that we leave it on Hagrid's doorstep."

"What? He can barely take care of that stupid dog. Most of his pets go and live in the forest!" Ginny looked horrified.

"And then I ran off, yelling, 'I'll be better off doing it by myself!' and he said, 'That's a relief'." Hermione bitterly reported.

Ginny could think of nothing to say in response to this. She knew her brother was stupid, but that was just insensitive.

"I need something else to talk about." Hermione moaned, "I just can't think about it now. It's too much to deal with. How are things with you and Harry? I'm sorry if I interrupted an intimate moment."

"I wish." Ginny rolled her eyes.

"What?"

Ginny gave a heavy sigh and massaged the bridge of her nose.

"He was off to solve the mystery of whether Godric Gryffindor was a cat person or a dog person via some stupid puzzle. Where does he even keep finding those things?" Hermione didn't fail to miss an edge of desperation in Ginny's voice.

"But other than that, are things…" Ginny shook her head. "Oh."

"We've only made love once! And he crymaxed." She gave a frustrated sigh. "It was like making love to a sobbing pillow: unsatisfying and laden with guilt. He hasn't touched me since and won't let me bring it up. It's not healthy! You should be able to talk about these things in a relationship!"

"I know what you mean." Hermione sighed. "It's hard enough to bring things up with Ron, but getting an intelligent or non-deviant response is nigh impossible. And it's not even like the sex is satisfying!" Ginny flinched, but said nothing. "As soon as he's done it's game over for the evening…and that takes about five minutes. It totally wasn't worth getting pregnant. Fuck, if I'd known this was going to happen, I would have taken Draco up on his offer to be friends with benefits."

"Ew." Ginny couldn't help but be repulsed at Hermione's taste in men.

"Maybe I should just give up men altogether. Clearly they aren't working out for me." She stared off into the distance.

Ginny continued rubbing Hermione's back and laughed. It was a bubbly, tinkling sound like magic wind chimes.

"Well, I can't say that my taste in men is much better. It's kind of slim pickings at Hogwarts." She gave a wry smile. "Maybe we should switch teams."

Hermione looked at Ginny, expecting as Ginny was that the two would erupt in a laughter of camaraderie. But when their eyes met, a strange feeling blossomed. Both were taken aback and surprised by this.

"What-" Hermione started to speak, but Ginny leaned forward and kissed her.

Hermione didn't pull away. As their kiss deepened and intensified all doubts and fears melted away into a steamy volcano of passion. The rest of their secret tryst was witnessed by none…save for the portrait above the fireplace, and he wasn't about to ruin his only source of girl on girl action by saying anything. Hermione remained silent as well, unable to voice any doubts in the face of something that felt so right.