Warnings: stalking, violence, sexytiems (in later chapters), OCs (from my fic on the Finnish Civil War). Oh, and the ellipses stand for *pant*, because AutoFormat's a bitch.

My word processor runs on reviews.

Disclaimer: Don't own.

(*.*)

Germany sighed. Once again Italy had streaked through Switzerland's garden, this time with only three bullet holes in his body. Switzerland would most likely be sending Italy's boss a bill for the bullets right now.

"Vee~ Doitsu, it hurts!" Italy squealed as Germany tried his best to treat his wounds. Thankfully, being a nation, they would heal on their own. However, the process would hurt a bit, so best to treat them normally as well.

"Veh, why's Swissy such a mean person?" Italy asked somewhat disheartenedly.

Germany had just shrugged when it hit him – what about giving his neighbor something else to do other than shoot people?

(*.*)

After Italy had gone home, Germany sat down an thought about Switzerland. He was unlikely to start using his mode two (raver high on who knows what) as a default with Liechtenstein around, and Germany sure as hell didn't want the Swiss' occasional horny visits whilst under the influence to become regular. Germany wondered how often Austria had to deal with that particular problem. Probably not very often, Switzerland certainly didn't seem to be going anywhere near France, Italy or Liechtenstein whilst high, which was probably for the best, really.

Germany thought for a moment more, then decided that the best course of action would be to hook the gun freak up with someone. He reached for his phone.

"Hello, Hungary. Switzerland is becoming rather annoying. Perhaps we should hook him up with someone?"

"Well, certainly not Liechtenstein, he still hates Austria, and Prussia would also be a very bad choice. If the way he's been acting towards France in the past is any indication, he'd probably reach for his machine gun before France could smile. And I don't think he'd appreciate getting hooked up with Italy, either." she paused, "But your idea is perfect. From what I can tell, our darling landlockee hasn't had any action in his lower regions for as long as I've had cameras in his bedroom. Well, not with anything animate, anyway."

"So, who's left?"

"Perhaps England? Oh, and he occasionally doesn't come home at evenings. Do you-"

"You're probably talking about him going out to some rave, getting high with LSD or something, then wandering over to my house and sleeping over on my couch. He disappears between one and six AM."

"It seems our intel is lacking. I think we need to go spy on him before taking any further actions. Meet you at whatever country's house he's visiting right now."

"Finland's? Uh, Hungary, I really don't think-"

(*.*)

Later that evening, Germany and Hungary were perched under Finland's window, listening to him talking to Switzerland.

"So, exactly how neutral are you?"

"Oh, I will defend myself if attacked. I won't attack others, not even Russia, and I'll try my best to stay out of any war that might be declared on the EU."

The comment on "not even Russia" was most certainly adressed at someone else in the room, most likely Finland's rather psychotic elder sister.

"Erm, Finland-"

"Look, if you want to come, it's generally considered polite to announce first." Germany and Hungary slowly lifted their heads to see an annoyed Finn looking down on them through the now-open window.

(*.*)

Five minutes later, Germany and Hungary were standing at his front porch, having run all the way from Kokkola.

"And I thought … Liechtenstein … had a … violent … older … sibling!"

"Your … account may … be biased by … the fact that … there's two … of them", Germany finished.

(*.*)

"No way! I am too awesome to go seduce the chocolate whore!"

"Prussia!"

"Hey, Germany, how about someone only he could handle, like … Belarus?"

"Remember what she did to Lithuania? Oh, and she still wants to become one with her brother."

"Alright." Hungary produced from her pocket a list of nations, sorted alphabetically. "America?"

"Would be filled with bullet holes three seconds into the date."

"Not Austria... We already discussed Belarus... Belgium?"

"She's gay. I know, because I'm so AWESOME!"

"Bulgaria?"

"No."

"Canada?"

"Who is he, anyway?"

"America's hat. I know, because I'm so awesome!"

"China?"

"Well, at least the red shirt he wears wouldn't show any blood..."

"Cuba?"

"No."

"Denmark?"

"There would be a war going on in the in-between point, in other words, my living room."

"Egypt?"

"...He doesn't speak."

"England?"

"Pairing up the two tsunderes isn't going to get very far, you know."

"Estonia?"

"Have they even met?"

"Finland?"

"With Fin's siblings... They'd never get past first base."

"France?"

"No. Just no."

"Greece?"

"No way."

"Hong Kong?"

"...Would ge better with Poland."

"Iceland?"

"Bullets would fly."

"The Italies?"

"One of them is a ditz, the other a tsundere."

"Japan?"

"Sushi's gonna get turned into Swiss cheese!"

"... I believe my brother's comment was sufficient."

"Korea?"

"Have you ever met him? And you wanted to punch him? So does everyone."

"Latvia?"

"Would be a nervous wreck. Perhaps Switz would adopt him?"

"Hmm. Interesting thought there. Liechtenstein... Lithuania?"

"Well, he is the suicide capital of the world..."

"Okay, so, circle Lithuania... Norway?"

"I'd be tempted to say no. He still jumps when he hears people speak German."

"Oh. Poland?"

"Um, no."

"Russia?"

"Switzerland is actually a rather nice neighbor, once you get past the gunshots and the nights of LSD. So, no way in hell."

"Spain?"

"Call me a horrid judge of character, but no."

"I won't. Sweden?"

"Is still blindly in love with Finland."

"Well, how about Switze- Oh wait. Sorry. Turkey?"

"Isn't he a madman who runs around with a mask on his head?"

"Yeah. He could be our backup option. Ukraine?"

"Aren't you supposed to be a huge yaoi fan?"

"Ohh, my little brother's dating someone! My Awesome is rubbing off! Kesesese~"

"Hm. Well, we'll set up Switzerland with Lithuania, and failing that, Turkey."

"Wait! The awesome me has a comment!"

"Well?"

"You didn't skipped yourself and Germany."

"Well, Germany's already dating– Oh all right. I'll be backup #2."

(*.*)

A/N: Yep, pairings here will be GerUrk, Switzerland with someone who isn't Austria or Liechtenstein, Hungary getting her hands on some yaoi, and Finland with someone other than Sweden.

TBC.